Coming out of my Porn Coma (Day 365)

i_wanna_get_better1 · May 4, 2017

pavloo91 said: ↑

@i_wanna_get_better1 I was thinking this, too, but lately I have been thinking the following: it's not that I'm a hardcore PMO addict (I had 8 months of no porn with almost 4 months of noPMO, then 5 days of relapse, then 70 something days, then relapse and nom I'm on my 5th day of noPMO) and I think that maybe being with someone would really be very beneficial.
Click to expand...

Only you can decide when you are ready to start dating again. Again, I would advise to NOT start a relationship with the idea of having her help you with the remnants of your addiction. Instead of focusing on a girlfriend have you considered other ways to reconnect with people who can give you the same emotional nourishment without the commitment. How is your relationship with your parents and siblings? Can you get caught up on old friendships that have been neglected? Can you make your current friendships more meaningful? Do you have room to branch out and find new friends?

Starting off a relationship with the hopes of her helping you with the addiction can cause weird dynamics. The relationship can turn into a doctor/patient, parent/child, or worse mother/son dynamic! You have made good progress so far and it's not easy to know when to start up a new relationship. I can only point out the pitfalls and urge you to keep a firm, stable foundation to build your recovery on.

pavloo91 · May 5, 2017

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

Starting off a relationship with the hopes of her helping you with the addiction can cause weird dynamics. The relationship can turn into a doctor/patient, parent/child, or worse mother/son dynamic!
Click to expand...

Yeah, I don't want that, especially the mother/son part. You might be right in this case - the fact that I know that I have a problem with PMO may result in me thinking that I am somehow less than my girlfriend and making me see her as a person that is much more mature and that I should listen to. I was once in such a relationship - I felt like a child :/

Oscarito · May 6, 2017

Thanks for sharing! Your post just helped me fight off the urge.

Relapse averted!

Fatheroffap · Jun 8, 2017

Great, great post sir. I take my hat off to you. You hit the nail right in the head. It was just what i needed to read today. Cheers!

fercho29 · Jun 8, 2017

Oscarito said: ↑

Thanks for sharing! Your post just helped me fight off the urge.

Relapse averted!
Click to expand...

Hi @Oscarito , we have a Spanish speakers forum here (if you happen to speak Spanish you are very welcome)
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/nofap-en-español.50547/page-60
fercho

Kris456 · Jan 29, 2018

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

Today is my one year anniversary of being PMO free. I am 43 years old and have been addicted since I was a teenager. I had tried many times to get better but always found it too difficult to quit. I never understood why I failed despite trying so many different things. My wife knew I was watching porn but didn't know how bad it was because I shut her out. I had been shutting her out our entire 17 year marriage. A year ago my wife had had enough and threatened to move out and take our children and tell others why if I didn't change. That was my rock-bottom moment. That was also the night I quit cold-turkey.

I promised to change but the promises of an addict are worthless. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was determined to do better. I had the goal of being a better person, husband, and father. I had seen a therapist about my problem years ago and started using some of those exercises again. I restarted a personal paper journal and pour out all my negative thoughts and feelings. I also started a more modest online journal detailing my story, my progress, and my research. I wrote about how disgusted I felt about myself and that I was finally going to take responsibility for my life and not be so out of control.

I had to finally tell the whole truth to my wife. It was not easy to break down the walls of secrecy I had built around myself. For the second time in my adult life I broke down and cried. She made an interesting observation that my asperger-like symptoms may have made my situation worse. It is much easier to deal with inanimate pictures than real life people. I never regretted telling my wife the truth. We talked a lot and we fought a lot. I discovered just how much I had hurt her over the years. I had to show that I was making changes before she was willing to pitch in and support me. I could have no greater cheerleader, counselor, or complement to help me get this far. Someday I hope to be able to repay her for all the patience and perseverance she showed me before I finally woke up from my porn coma.

On Day 4 of my reboot I started to research this problem. For the first time I discovered that his is not just a bad habit, but an ADDICTION. That single truth put my whole life and why I failed so often into perspective. I also understood that I had been medicating myself with porn for decades.

My detox period felt like going though hell. I was angry, irritable, an seething with raw emotions. I had no practical coping skills. I was angry at myself the most for allowing myself to get into this situation. I finally understood that it was going to take a lot of work to take accountability for my actions. For weeks I went through an emotional roller-coaster - highs and lows, normal to anger to depression, varying levels of worthlessness, questioning whether it was possible to succeed. I needed a few small successes to build on. Some people feel improvements in the first few days. I was miserable every day for months. I feared that I would never be able to be happy again. I was scared that I was too broken to ever get better.

I discovered that the biggest enemy wasn't porn. It was myself - the addict version of myself. Addiction is a monster that will do anything to get what it wants. Sometimes it uses brute strength, sometimes it is subtle and deceptive. My addiction knew me better than I knew myself. It is an opponent that knows all of my strengths and weaknesses and knows just what to say to get past my defenses. The physical cravings are nothing compared to the mind games you play with yourself and last much, much longer. I had to get to know myself so that I could fight back more effectively. I had to continually analyze every thought, feeling, and motivation for everything I was doing. It was exhausting and tiring, but vigilance was necessary because it only takes one second of weakness to relapse.

I managed to get though my detox period but still felt depressed and empty. It was a phase I wasn't prepared for and people didn't write much about it. I was starting to feel worried that I was never going to feel normal again. But another Fapstonaut explained to me what I was going through, that it was normal, and to keep going. Only another addict could have empathized. I started to have faith that the path I was traveling would eventually lead me to a better place. Time was needed for my brain to heal.

I passed my 30 day anniversary, 90 day anniversary, and 180 day anniversary. Slowly the things I was trying were starting to be a part of me. I no longer felt like an actor pretending to be a normal human being. My wife was slowly starting to trust me again and our relationship was improving. I became an accountability partner to a few people and helped a few couples in the beginning stages of their recovery. I started to feel that I had something valuable to share. I no longer felt worthless and empty.

So here I am on Day 365. Am I cured? Not by a long shot. Every day is still a struggle. I was an addict, and now I am merely an addict in recovery. I will always be an addict in recovery. I will always have to keep my guard up. My brain will not allow me to forget how porn made me feel. Every time I get stressed or anxious I get urges. The monster is in it's cage but I feel his arms reaching through the bars trying to get my attention.

Here's what I'd like to pass on to others. (I don't have the time or space to thoroughly explain each point but I'll answer any questions).
1. Identify ALL your physical, emotional, and environmental triggers. Avoid the triggers you can avoid, address the triggers you can address, remove the triggers you can remove, and learn to cope with the ones you cannot remove.
2. Porn addicts use images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. Learn to cope with your problems in healthy ways instead of always turning to PMO.
3. Write down a detailed abstinence recovery plan. (When I feel -this- then I will do -that- instead of looking at porn.)
4. Journal. Pour out your heart. Discover your patterns. Document your progress.
5. Do not fight this alone, get others involved - a therapist, wife, girlfriend, accountability partner, parents, etc.
6. Don't trust yourself to be alone with your electronic devices during your detox.
7. Recognize when you are vulnerable and take drastic action to avoid a relapse.
8. Stay out of 'the trance' or 'auto-pilot mode' at all costs. It is a pain-free, judgment-free, stress-free state of mind where parts of our brain shut off and compromises our ability to make good decisions.
9. Porn thoughts/images happen. Adopt a 3 second rule and change what you're thinking about. Thoughts lead to action.
10. Challenge every excuse or justification to return to PMO.
11. Educate yourself. Know yourself. Apply what you learn to yourself.
12. Be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for a better life.
13. Be patient. It takes a long time to see progress. It takes time to reclaim your humanity.
14. Be kind to yourself but do not tolerate failure. It is NOT impossible to quit.
15. PMO leaves a huge void in you so find enjoyable substitutes such as a new hobby or interest.
16. Keep using NoFap as an affirmation to stay clean. Pay what you learn forward.
17. Be humble enough to seek professional help if you need it. It is not a weakness to ask for help.
18. Reach out to others. The emotional satisfaction we get from others nourishes the soul and makes porn less appealing.
19. Repair whatever damage you caused to others around you.
20. Forgive yourself for the person you once were. Start living a new and improved life. You are now a person who is worthy of love.
21. Our problem is an emotional problem. Find an anthem song that makes you feel better.
22. Celebrate your milestones. Replace unhealthy rituals with healthy ones.
23. Be prepared to change as many behaviors as possible. If you used to PMO in bed with your laptop then stop laying in bed with your laptop and wonder why you have overwhelming urges. If you used to PMO in the shower then switch to cold showers. Don't intentionally trigger yourself.
24. It is okay to admit how much you loved how porn made you feel. Accept that nothing will make you feel the same way. And be content with living a calm, balanced life. It will make you feel happier.

Here are my final thoughts. Addictions are a nasty thing. Our addiction is much tougher than others. It takes one second to feed our addition and throw away all the progress we made. Addiction invades every corner of our brain and corrupts it. It is not easy to break free from it. You have to look inside your heart and find a determination to fight back that is greater than the addiction itself. It boils down to this - JUST DO IT. It's easy to say, but it's hard to do. But it encompasses everything an addict in recovery must do to stay clean.

For all of you new ones... don't look at my post and think it's impossible for you. I thought it was impossible for me - I was addicted for over 25 years and failed repeatedly! But I broke it down and fought my addiction one urge/impulse/temptation at a time. I still do. You can only fight the battle that's in front of you right now. Don't worry about what happened yesterday, this morning, 5 minutes ago, or tomorrow. Be clean now... be clean when the next urge hits... and then be clean tomorrow... and then the day after that... and before you know it you're at one year. I hope all of you can join me and share with us your one year anniversary story.
Click to expand...

This is one of the most helpful posts I’ve read about fighting this battle. Thank you.

movetointegrity · Jan 30, 2018

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

Today is my one year anniversary of being PMO free. I am 43 years old and have been addicted since I was a teenager. I had tried many times to get better but always found it too difficult to quit. I never understood why I failed despite trying so many different things. My wife knew I was watching porn but didn't know how bad it was because I shut her out. I had been shutting her out our entire 17 year marriage. A year ago my wife had had enough and threatened to move out and take our children and tell others why if I didn't change. That was my rock-bottom moment. That was also the night I quit cold-turkey.

I promised to change but the promises of an addict are worthless. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was determined to do better. I had the goal of being a better person, husband, and father. I had seen a therapist about my problem years ago and started using some of those exercises again. I restarted a personal paper journal and pour out all my negative thoughts and feelings. I also started a more modest online journal detailing my story, my progress, and my research. I wrote about how disgusted I felt about myself and that I was finally going to take responsibility for my life and not be so out of control.

I had to finally tell the whole truth to my wife. It was not easy to break down the walls of secrecy I had built around myself. For the second time in my adult life I broke down and cried. She made an interesting observation that my asperger-like symptoms may have made my situation worse. It is much easier to deal with inanimate pictures than real life people. I never regretted telling my wife the truth. We talked a lot and we fought a lot. I discovered just how much I had hurt her over the years. I had to show that I was making changes before she was willing to pitch in and support me. I could have no greater cheerleader, counselor, or complement to help me get this far. Someday I hope to be able to repay her for all the patience and perseverance she showed me before I finally woke up from my porn coma.

On Day 4 of my reboot I started to research this problem. For the first time I discovered that his is not just a bad habit, but an ADDICTION. That single truth put my whole life and why I failed so often into perspective. I also understood that I had been medicating myself with porn for decades.

My detox period felt like going though hell. I was angry, irritable, an seething with raw emotions. I had no practical coping skills. I was angry at myself the most for allowing myself to get into this situation. I finally understood that it was going to take a lot of work to take accountability for my actions. For weeks I went through an emotional roller-coaster - highs and lows, normal to anger to depression, varying levels of worthlessness, questioning whether it was possible to succeed. I needed a few small successes to build on. Some people feel improvements in the first few days. I was miserable every day for months. I feared that I would never be able to be happy again. I was scared that I was too broken to ever get better.

I discovered that the biggest enemy wasn't porn. It was myself - the addict version of myself. Addiction is a monster that will do anything to get what it wants. Sometimes it uses brute strength, sometimes it is subtle and deceptive. My addiction knew me better than I knew myself. It is an opponent that knows all of my strengths and weaknesses and knows just what to say to get past my defenses. The physical cravings are nothing compared to the mind games you play with yourself and last much, much longer. I had to get to know myself so that I could fight back more effectively. I had to continually analyze every thought, feeling, and motivation for everything I was doing. It was exhausting and tiring, but vigilance was necessary because it only takes one second of weakness to relapse.

I managed to get though my detox period but still felt depressed and empty. It was a phase I wasn't prepared for and people didn't write much about it. I was starting to feel worried that I was never going to feel normal again. But another Fapstonaut explained to me what I was going through, that it was normal, and to keep going. Only another addict could have empathized. I started to have faith that the path I was traveling would eventually lead me to a better place. Time was needed for my brain to heal.

I passed my 30 day anniversary, 90 day anniversary, and 180 day anniversary. Slowly the things I was trying were starting to be a part of me. I no longer felt like an actor pretending to be a normal human being. My wife was slowly starting to trust me again and our relationship was improving. I became an accountability partner to a few people and helped a few couples in the beginning stages of their recovery. I started to feel that I had something valuable to share. I no longer felt worthless and empty.

So here I am on Day 365. Am I cured? Not by a long shot. Every day is still a struggle. I was an addict, and now I am merely an addict in recovery. I will always be an addict in recovery. I will always have to keep my guard up. My brain will not allow me to forget how porn made me feel. Every time I get stressed or anxious I get urges. The monster is in it's cage but I feel his arms reaching through the bars trying to get my attention.

Here's what I'd like to pass on to others. (I don't have the time or space to thoroughly explain each point but I'll answer any questions).
1. Identify ALL your physical, emotional, and environmental triggers. Avoid the triggers you can avoid, address the triggers you can address, remove the triggers you can remove, and learn to cope with the ones you cannot remove.
2. Porn addicts use images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. Learn to cope with your problems in healthy ways instead of always turning to PMO.
3. Write down a detailed abstinence recovery plan. (When I feel -this- then I will do -that- instead of looking at porn.)
4. Journal. Pour out your heart. Discover your patterns. Document your progress.
5. Do not fight this alone, get others involved - a therapist, wife, girlfriend, accountability partner, parents, etc.
6. Don't trust yourself to be alone with your electronic devices during your detox.
7. Recognize when you are vulnerable and take drastic action to avoid a relapse.
8. Stay out of 'the trance' or 'auto-pilot mode' at all costs. It is a pain-free, judgment-free, stress-free state of mind where parts of our brain shut off and compromises our ability to make good decisions.
9. Porn thoughts/images happen. Adopt a 3 second rule and change what you're thinking about. Thoughts lead to action.
10. Challenge every excuse or justification to return to PMO.
11. Educate yourself. Know yourself. Apply what you learn to yourself.
12. Be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for a better life.
13. Be patient. It takes a long time to see progress. It takes time to reclaim your humanity.
14. Be kind to yourself but do not tolerate failure. It is NOT impossible to quit.
15. PMO leaves a huge void in you so find enjoyable substitutes such as a new hobby or interest.
16. Keep using NoFap as an affirmation to stay clean. Pay what you learn forward.
17. Be humble enough to seek professional help if you need it. It is not a weakness to ask for help.
18. Reach out to others. The emotional satisfaction we get from others nourishes the soul and makes porn less appealing.
19. Repair whatever damage you caused to others around you.
20. Forgive yourself for the person you once were. Start living a new and improved life. You are now a person who is worthy of love.
21. Our problem is an emotional problem. Find an anthem song that makes you feel better.
22. Celebrate your milestones. Replace unhealthy rituals with healthy ones.
23. Be prepared to change as many behaviors as possible. If you used to PMO in bed with your laptop then stop laying in bed with your laptop and wonder why you have overwhelming urges. If you used to PMO in the shower then switch to cold showers. Don't intentionally trigger yourself.
24. It is okay to admit how much you loved how porn made you feel. Accept that nothing will make you feel the same way. And be content with living a calm, balanced life. It will make you feel happier.

Here are my final thoughts. Addictions are a nasty thing. Our addiction is much tougher than others. It takes one second to feed our addition and throw away all the progress we made. Addiction invades every corner of our brain and corrupts it. It is not easy to break free from it. You have to look inside your heart and find a determination to fight back that is greater than the addiction itself. It boils down to this - JUST DO IT. It's easy to say, but it's hard to do. But it encompasses everything an addict in recovery must do to stay clean.

For all of you new ones... don't look at my post and think it's impossible for you. I thought it was impossible for me - I was addicted for over 25 years and failed repeatedly! But I broke it down and fought my addiction one urge/impulse/temptation at a time. I still do. You can only fight the battle that's in front of you right now. Don't worry about what happened yesterday, this morning, 5 minutes ago, or tomorrow. Be clean now... be clean when the next urge hits... and then be clean tomorrow... and then the day after that... and before you know it you're at one year. I hope all of you can join me and share with us your one year anniversary story.
Click to expand...

Brilliant...thank you for this post. It resonates on every level.

Pikacchhu · Jan 30, 2018

Woww... Happy reading ur story!

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

Today is my one year anniversary of being PMO free. I am 43 years old and have been addicted since I was a teenager. I had tried many times to get better but always found it too difficult to quit. I never understood why I failed despite trying so many different things. My wife knew I was watching porn but didn't know how bad it was because I shut her out. I had been shutting her out our entire 17 year marriage. A year ago my wife had had enough and threatened to move out and take our children and tell others why if I didn't change. That was my rock-bottom moment. That was also the night I quit cold-turkey.

I promised to change but the promises of an addict are worthless. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was determined to do better. I had the goal of being a better person, husband, and father. I had seen a therapist about my problem years ago and started using some of those exercises again. I restarted a personal paper journal and pour out all my negative thoughts and feelings. I also started a more modest online journal detailing my story, my progress, and my research. I wrote about how disgusted I felt about myself and that I was finally going to take responsibility for my life and not be so out of control.

I had to finally tell the whole truth to my wife. It was not easy to break down the walls of secrecy I had built around myself. For the second time in my adult life I broke down and cried. She made an interesting observation that my asperger-like symptoms may have made my situation worse. It is much easier to deal with inanimate pictures than real life people. I never regretted telling my wife the truth. We talked a lot and we fought a lot. I discovered just how much I had hurt her over the years. I had to show that I was making changes before she was willing to pitch in and support me. I could have no greater cheerleader, counselor, or complement to help me get this far. Someday I hope to be able to repay her for all the patience and perseverance she showed me before I finally woke up from my porn coma.

On Day 4 of my reboot I started to research this problem. For the first time I discovered that his is not just a bad habit, but an ADDICTION. That single truth put my whole life and why I failed so often into perspective. I also understood that I had been medicating myself with porn for decades.

My detox period felt like going though hell. I was angry, irritable, an seething with raw emotions. I had no practical coping skills. I was angry at myself the most for allowing myself to get into this situation. I finally understood that it was going to take a lot of work to take accountability for my actions. For weeks I went through an emotional roller-coaster - highs and lows, normal to anger to depression, varying levels of worthlessness, questioning whether it was possible to succeed. I needed a few small successes to build on. Some people feel improvements in the first few days. I was miserable every day for months. I feared that I would never be able to be happy again. I was scared that I was too broken to ever get better.

I discovered that the biggest enemy wasn't porn. It was myself - the addict version of myself. Addiction is a monster that will do anything to get what it wants. Sometimes it uses brute strength, sometimes it is subtle and deceptive. My addiction knew me better than I knew myself. It is an opponent that knows all of my strengths and weaknesses and knows just what to say to get past my defenses. The physical cravings are nothing compared to the mind games you play with yourself and last much, much longer. I had to get to know myself so that I could fight back more effectively. I had to continually analyze every thought, feeling, and motivation for everything I was doing. It was exhausting and tiring, but vigilance was necessary because it only takes one second of weakness to relapse.

I managed to get though my detox period but still felt depressed and empty. It was a phase I wasn't prepared for and people didn't write much about it. I was starting to feel worried that I was never going to feel normal again. But another Fapstonaut explained to me what I was going through, that it was normal, and to keep going. Only another addict could have empathized. I started to have faith that the path I was traveling would eventually lead me to a better place. Time was needed for my brain to heal.

I passed my 30 day anniversary, 90 day anniversary, and 180 day anniversary. Slowly the things I was trying were starting to be a part of me. I no longer felt like an actor pretending to be a normal human being. My wife was slowly starting to trust me again and our relationship was improving. I became an accountability partner to a few people and helped a few couples in the beginning stages of their recovery. I started to feel that I had something valuable to share. I no longer felt worthless and empty.

So here I am on Day 365. Am I cured? Not by a long shot. Every day is still a struggle. I was an addict, and now I am merely an addict in recovery. I will always be an addict in recovery. I will always have to keep my guard up. My brain will not allow me to forget how porn made me feel. Every time I get stressed or anxious I get urges. The monster is in it's cage but I feel his arms reaching through the bars trying to get my attention.

Here's what I'd like to pass on to others. (I don't have the time or space to thoroughly explain each point but I'll answer any questions).
1. Identify ALL your physical, emotional, and environmental triggers. Avoid the triggers you can avoid, address the triggers you can address, remove the triggers you can remove, and learn to cope with the ones you cannot remove.
2. Porn addicts use images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. Learn to cope with your problems in healthy ways instead of always turning to PMO.
3. Write down a detailed abstinence recovery plan. (When I feel -this- then I will do -that- instead of looking at porn.)
4. Journal. Pour out your heart. Discover your patterns. Document your progress.
5. Do not fight this alone, get others involved - a therapist, wife, girlfriend, accountability partner, parents, etc.
6. Don't trust yourself to be alone with your electronic devices during your detox.
7. Recognize when you are vulnerable and take drastic action to avoid a relapse.
8. Stay out of 'the trance' or 'auto-pilot mode' at all costs. It is a pain-free, judgment-free, stress-free state of mind where parts of our brain shut off and compromises our ability to make good decisions.
9. Porn thoughts/images happen. Adopt a 3 second rule and change what you're thinking about. Thoughts lead to action.
10. Challenge every excuse or justification to return to PMO.
11. Educate yourself. Know yourself. Apply what you learn to yourself.
12. Be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for a better life.
13. Be patient. It takes a long time to see progress. It takes time to reclaim your humanity.
14. Be kind to yourself but do not tolerate failure. It is NOT impossible to quit.
15. PMO leaves a huge void in you so find enjoyable substitutes such as a new hobby or interest.
16. Keep using NoFap as an affirmation to stay clean. Pay what you learn forward.
17. Be humble enough to seek professional help if you need it. It is not a weakness to ask for help.
18. Reach out to others. The emotional satisfaction we get from others nourishes the soul and makes porn less appealing.
19. Repair whatever damage you caused to others around you.
20. Forgive yourself for the person you once were. Start living a new and improved life. You are now a person who is worthy of love.
21. Our problem is an emotional problem. Find an anthem song that makes you feel better.
22. Celebrate your milestones. Replace unhealthy rituals with healthy ones.
23. Be prepared to change as many behaviors as possible. If you used to PMO in bed with your laptop then stop laying in bed with your laptop and wonder why you have overwhelming urges. If you used to PMO in the shower then switch to cold showers. Don't intentionally trigger yourself.
24. It is okay to admit how much you loved how porn made you feel. Accept that nothing will make you feel the same way. And be content with living a calm, balanced life. It will make you feel happier.

Here are my final thoughts. Addictions are a nasty thing. Our addiction is much tougher than others. It takes one second to feed our addition and throw away all the progress we made. Addiction invades every corner of our brain and corrupts it. It is not easy to break free from it. You have to look inside your heart and find a determination to fight back that is greater than the addiction itself. It boils down to this - JUST DO IT. It's easy to say, but it's hard to do. But it encompasses everything an addict in recovery must do to stay clean.

For all of you new ones... don't look at my post and think it's impossible for you. I thought it was impossible for me - I was addicted for over 25 years and failed repeatedly! But I broke it down and fought my addiction one urge/impulse/temptation at a time. I still do. You can only fight the battle that's in front of you right now. Don't worry about what happened yesterday, this morning, 5 minutes ago, or tomorrow. Be clean now... be clean when the next urge hits... and then be clean tomorrow... and then the day after that... and before you know it you're at one year. I hope all of you can join me and share with us your one year anniversary story.
Click to expand...

zakes · Jan 30, 2018

wow, congratulations on your 1 year mark!

FreeTheSoul · Feb 15, 2018

This paragraph of yours exactly describes why for many of us, porn addiction is one of the worst addiction to get hold of.
At the age of 26, I have tried leaving porn many times during the year of 2017. But, the addiction version of me always gets the hold of me, as it takes only a couple of seconds to reach out to your fantasies, then boom the relapse happens.
If I am having a slight depression, the addict me says to look for porn and all the depression will go away.
As I am in front of a computer for 8-10 hours with high-speed internet, the fight with addiction gets even worse. It is like a boxing match with Muhammed Ali (the addiction me). It doesn't knock me out instantly but the brain slowly craves, like the light punches of Ali. Slowly the light punches get the hold of you and you get knocked out (relapse).
Your post is truly an inspiration for someone like me, a beginner practitioner of Nofap. I will save your other posts of 30, 60, 90 days to get motivated for my upcoming battles with the addicted me. For now, "The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" and "If you want to change the world around you, first change yourself".

James1986 · Feb 15, 2018

Congratulations, and thank you for the advice.

Deleted Account · Feb 18, 2018

written by someone who has been through it. Much appreciation cheers

Deleted Account · Feb 18, 2018

Great read! Amazing stories like this are what motivate me to do never do PMO again! Keep going brother, and crush PMO from your life like a bug ✊

LoyalKnight · Feb 21, 2018

Really well-written, I have to say.

I am fighting this addiction for a long time. Unlike you I did not succeed in one attempt. I am trying to quite PMO for good since September 2016.

I had many long streaks, quite many +40 day streaks and also one of ~80 days. But I failed, and after every relapsed I relapsed so often until I felt like utter dogshit. Only after then I could rebuild a somewhat decent streak, like now. I relapsed 2-3 times in quick succession and after the last time I felt like a zombie, dead.

Your post really motivated me.

In strengthened my willpower to conquer this devilish addiction - that is certain.

Thank you for this great post of enlightement!

Selfcontrol1 · Jun 18, 2018

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

Today is my one year anniversary of being PMO free. I am 43 years old and have been addicted since I was a teenager. I had tried many times to get better but always found it too difficult to quit. I never understood why I failed despite trying so many different things. My wife knew I was watching porn but didn't know how bad it was because I shut her out. I had been shutting her out our entire 17 year marriage. A year ago my wife had had enough and threatened to move out and take our children and tell others why if I didn't change. That was my rock-bottom moment. That was also the night I quit cold-turkey.

I promised to change but the promises of an addict are worthless. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was determined to do better. I had the goal of being a better person, husband, and father. I had seen a therapist about my problem years ago and started using some of those exercises again. I restarted a personal paper journal and pour out all my negative thoughts and feelings. I also started a more modest online journal detailing my story, my progress, and my research. I wrote about how disgusted I felt about myself and that I was finally going to take responsibility for my life and not be so out of control.

I had to finally tell the whole truth to my wife. It was not easy to break down the walls of secrecy I had built around myself. For the second time in my adult life I broke down and cried. She made an interesting observation that my asperger-like symptoms may have made my situation worse. It is much easier to deal with inanimate pictures than real life people. I never regretted telling my wife the truth. We talked a lot and we fought a lot. I discovered just how much I had hurt her over the years. I had to show that I was making changes before she was willing to pitch in and support me. I could have no greater cheerleader, counselor, or complement to help me get this far. Someday I hope to be able to repay her for all the patience and perseverance she showed me before I finally woke up from my porn coma.

On Day 4 of my reboot I started to research this problem. For the first time I discovered that his is not just a bad habit, but an ADDICTION. That single truth put my whole life and why I failed so often into perspective. I also understood that I had been medicating myself with porn for decades.

My detox period felt like going though hell. I was angry, irritable, an seething with raw emotions. I had no practical coping skills. I was angry at myself the most for allowing myself to get into this situation. I finally understood that it was going to take a lot of work to take accountability for my actions. For weeks I went through an emotional roller-coaster - highs and lows, normal to anger to depression, varying levels of worthlessness, questioning whether it was possible to succeed. I needed a few small successes to build on. Some people feel improvements in the first few days. I was miserable every day for months. I feared that I would never be able to be happy again. I was scared that I was too broken to ever get better.

I discovered that the biggest enemy wasn't porn. It was myself - the addict version of myself. Addiction is a monster that will do anything to get what it wants. Sometimes it uses brute strength, sometimes it is subtle and deceptive. My addiction knew me better than I knew myself. It is an opponent that knows all of my strengths and weaknesses and knows just what to say to get past my defenses. The physical cravings are nothing compared to the mind games you play with yourself and last much, much longer. I had to get to know myself so that I could fight back more effectively. I had to continually analyze every thought, feeling, and motivation for everything I was doing. It was exhausting and tiring, but vigilance was necessary because it only takes one second of weakness to relapse.

I managed to get though my detox period but still felt depressed and empty. It was a phase I wasn't prepared for and people didn't write much about it. I was starting to feel worried that I was never going to feel normal again. But another Fapstonaut explained to me what I was going through, that it was normal, and to keep going. Only another addict could have empathized. I started to have faith that the path I was traveling would eventually lead me to a better place. Time was needed for my brain to heal.

I passed my 30 day anniversary, 90 day anniversary, and 180 day anniversary. Slowly the things I was trying were starting to be a part of me. I no longer felt like an actor pretending to be a normal human being. My wife was slowly starting to trust me again and our relationship was improving. I became an accountability partner to a few people and helped a few couples in the beginning stages of their recovery. I started to feel that I had something valuable to share. I no longer felt worthless and empty.

So here I am on Day 365. Am I cured? Not by a long shot. Every day is still a struggle. I was an addict, and now I am merely an addict in recovery. I will always be an addict in recovery. I will always have to keep my guard up. My brain will not allow me to forget how porn made me feel. Every time I get stressed or anxious I get urges. The monster is in it's cage but I feel his arms reaching through the bars trying to get my attention.

Here's what I'd like to pass on to others. (I don't have the time or space to thoroughly explain each point but I'll answer any questions).
1. Identify ALL your physical, emotional, and environmental triggers. Avoid the triggers you can avoid, address the triggers you can address, remove the triggers you can remove, and learn to cope with the ones you cannot remove.
2. Porn addicts use images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. Learn to cope with your problems in healthy ways instead of always turning to PMO.
3. Write down a detailed abstinence recovery plan. (When I feel -this- then I will do -that- instead of looking at porn.)
4. Journal. Pour out your heart. Discover your patterns. Document your progress.
5. Do not fight this alone, get others involved - a therapist, wife, girlfriend, accountability partner, parents, etc.
6. Don't trust yourself to be alone with your electronic devices during your detox.
7. Recognize when you are vulnerable and take drastic action to avoid a relapse.
8. Stay out of 'the trance' or 'auto-pilot mode' at all costs. It is a pain-free, judgment-free, stress-free state of mind where parts of our brain shut off and compromises our ability to make good decisions.
9. Porn thoughts/images happen. Adopt a 3 second rule and change what you're thinking about. Thoughts lead to action.
10. Challenge every excuse or justification to return to PMO.
11. Educate yourself. Know yourself. Apply what you learn to yourself.
12. Be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for a better life.
13. Be patient. It takes a long time to see progress. It takes time to reclaim your humanity.
14. Be kind to yourself but do not tolerate failure. It is NOT impossible to quit.
15. PMO leaves a huge void in you so find enjoyable substitutes such as a new hobby or interest.
16. Keep using NoFap as an affirmation to stay clean. Pay what you learn forward.
17. Be humble enough to seek professional help if you need it. It is not a weakness to ask for help.
18. Reach out to others. The emotional satisfaction we get from others nourishes the soul and makes porn less appealing.
19. Repair whatever damage you caused to others around you.
20. Forgive yourself for the person you once were. Start living a new and improved life. You are now a person who is worthy of love.
21. Our problem is an emotional problem. Find an anthem song that makes you feel better.
22. Celebrate your milestones. Replace unhealthy rituals with healthy ones.
23. Be prepared to change as many behaviors as possible. If you used to PMO in bed with your laptop then stop laying in bed with your laptop and wonder why you have overwhelming urges. If you used to PMO in the shower then switch to cold showers. Don't intentionally trigger yourself.
24. It is okay to admit how much you loved how porn made you feel. Accept that nothing will make you feel the same way. And be content with living a calm, balanced life. It will make you feel happier.

Here are my final thoughts. Addictions are a nasty thing. Our addiction is much tougher than others. It takes one second to feed our addition and throw away all the progress we made. Addiction invades every corner of our brain and corrupts it. It is not easy to break free from it. You have to look inside your heart and find a determination to fight back that is greater than the addiction itself. It boils down to this - JUST DO IT. It's easy to say, but it's hard to do. But it encompasses everything an addict in recovery must do to stay clean.

For all of you new ones... don't look at my post and think it's impossible for you. I thought it was impossible for me - I was addicted for over 25 years and failed repeatedly! But I broke it down and fought my addiction one urge/impulse/temptation at a time. I still do. You can only fight the battle that's in front of you right now. Don't worry about what happened yesterday, this morning, 5 minutes ago, or tomorrow. Be clean now... be clean when the next urge hits... and then be clean tomorrow... and then the day after that... and before you know it you're at one year. I hope all of you can join me and share with us your one year anniversary story.
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Thank you for sharing you're story and all that practical wisdom. Thank you very much

Tired Of Being Lied To · Oct 3, 2018

Hi, how are you doing?

i_wanna_get_better1 · Oct 3, 2018

Tired Of Being Lied To said: ↑

Hi, how are you doing?
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I am still doing good. My counter has now passed 2 1/2 years. It has not been easy. I haven't been perfect, but I have not relapsed. Life will always be stressful and you can only rewire the brain so much. But it doesn't matter if you're on Day 1 or Day 1000, you still have to live life one day at a time. I'm staying busy helping others and that brings me a lot of satisfaction.

control your life · Oct 3, 2018

great read,,,thank you for your time,,the points are spot on

green lion eating the sun · Oct 3, 2018

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

I am still doing good. My counter has now passed 2 1/2 years. It has not been easy. I haven't been perfect, but I have not relapsed. Life will always be stressful and you can only rewire the brain so much. But it doesn't matter if you're on Day 1 or Day 1000, you still have to live life one day at a time. I'm staying busy helping others and that brings me a lot of satisfaction.
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Amazing, I started relapsing after completing 1 full year PMO free. It has been difficult, i had struggled a lot but i made it through. I am learning to think twice and to control my emotions because my emotions lead to all my relapses every single time. I feel now more in control of my mind and not the contrary. 39 days victory so far, I feel mentally stronger. i was very close to relapse last week I wanted to punish myself but i didn't give in and fought for my happiness. Your story is very inspirational, thank you Hope is what keeps us going! Sharing it with @hope breath meditate

Jim Michael · Oct 3, 2018

That's brilliant mate, great job.

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