Coming out of my Porn Coma (Day 365)

Just as a way of an update.... I would have figured that after 16 months I would be completely free of this thing. I keep circling around to the phrase, "Once an addict, always an addict." We never reach a point in our recovery where we successfully eliminate all our triggers and we never feel an urge. We may reach a point where we are no long a slave to the compulsion but life will not show mercy on us and free us from all temptation.

It is my belief that certain triggers or discomforts cannot ever be eliminated. Some brain wiring cannot be changed. The distorted pleasurable memories of PMO never disappear. Delusional thinking is always looking to exploit a weakness. So the number of days below everyone's name does not always paint a clear picture of progress. Someone can be at a strong 30 while someone else is at a risky 300. Vigilance is the key to keeping that number going up, because every day we stay clean is another day that we've won.

The only time the war ends is when we die, but until then we continue to battle one day at a time.

 

This is only partially true. In the calm light of day reasonable motivations like this would seem to be enough. But once the urge hits then reason goes out the window and the emotional addict rises to the surface. It only cares about making the pain go away. Also, addicts have what's called 'selective memory' where we remember only the enjoyable parts and forget the harm our actions cause. When we slip into the trance parts of our brain shut down. Our decision making process is compromised and we can easily justify taking a peek which leads to much more. Yes, associating intense pain should motivate us to come up with a more complete plan of attack.

 

I have experienced significant improvements since I started. I don't believe it's possible to become fully cured. I think we reach a point where we can manage our lives in much healthier ways. I believe it's possible to get control of the compulsion part of our addiction and build up our willpower to the point where we can keep the addiction at bay.

I believe there are certain parts of our brains that can be rewired but others are more hardwired. For instance, I cannot rewire the parts of my brain that cause me to have Asperger-like symptoms, but I can learn to cope with those symptoms using other parts of my brain. The depression caused by being addicted and going through my detox has gone away. I still have emotional triggers that surface from time to time and I have to be on guard and prevent my addiction to use those emotions as a justification to medicate myself with porn.

I feel my dopamine levels have gone back to normal. The few times during my reboot that I have been exposed to porn hit my brain like a lightning bolt. My brain reacted like it did the first time I saw it. All the old feelings came storming back and I had to make a conscious effort to reject sliding back into that life. The brain never forgets what used to make it feel good.

One thing I have to fight more than anything is being content with living a calm and subdued life. My brain craves excitement and stimulation and even a minor erotic image, sexy thought, word or phrase, and outfit someone is wearing can make me reminisce about how alive my brain would feel while PMOing. Our addiction makes us have selective memory and recalls only the good feelings and conveniently forgets all the negative consequences. So, it can be challenge to live a calm, balanced, emotionally stable life. The addictive personality still lurks below the surface and is tempted to latch on to anything that will both medicate and excite me. Constant vigilance is the key to a long and successful recovery.

 

Absolutely get rid of your addiction first. A girlfriend cannot act as our accountability person, policewoman, therapist, mother, or priest. They deserve to have a relationship with a healthy person. A new girlfriend should not have to be burdened with helping their new boyfriend get clean. They can feel deceived and used.

The qualities you develop during your reboot will make you a better boyfriend and husband. Recovery teaches us to be honest and truthful. We develop self-control and are able to resist temptation and being impulsive. We become people of integrity and principle. It makes us more compassionate and empathetic of other people's problems. We become less selfish and are more willing to help others.

Courtship should be a time of joy. But if you are harboring secrets then you will dread the time when you have to tell her. Detoxing makes us moody, irritable, angry, and depressed. This will confuse a new girlfriend. This is a time when we should be putting our best foot forward, not hiding who we really are. Women want someone who is stable, comfortable with themselves, confident, and assertive. These are not qualities we possess while addicted or recovering... that comes after we have conquered this problem.

Aim, not just to be porn-free, but to become a better man. Recovery is about discovering yourself and learning to be human again. This addiction robs the best parts of our personality and we need to reclaim it. It is a journey that starts within ourselves because we want something better. There is no better motivation than that.