Coming back to nofap because this shit is becoming unbearable

Hi everybody.
I don't really know where to start so I'll take out all of the painful things first then reorder them.
Now, my mother is completely fucking neurotic, K? She's unable to take care of herself and smokes an unelievable amount of weed (not that I'm against weed, but she's pathologic) from the first to the last minute of her day to cope with that. And I grew up without my father until last year because of her lunacy. And she did fucking horrible things as a mother so I came up shy and aggressive at the same time. That pretty much sums that part up.
As a small child I didn't always do it but for some periods I heavily masturbated, like till my dick started bleeding to put it bluntly. I was 3 the first time I ever discovered it I think.
I watched my first porn pretty late for today's standards, like at 11 or so. Now I pretty much found myself just genuinely flat out attracted to some guys but it's very rare, I'm surely not straight but bisexual is just too much of a word from every possible angle. Well, soon after I started diving deeper I started convincing myself I was bisexual without knowing anything about sexuality. And I firmly believed it for quite some time because of how bored I was of vanilla scenes.
The transwoman stuff came about at 13 I think. Not long after it I started shoving anything I could in my ass. Or fantasizing about pissing. Never got into sissy hypno though luckily. Did cum in my mouth more than once, I was also so horny I let the dog I had at the time fuck me in the ass then blew him several times.
Then it became gay hookup fantasies on telegram anonime chat bots. Now it looks like I got to child porn. Yes, you heard me right. That's why I have to cut this now. For evermore. Or it's gonna fuck me up bigtime.
I started nofap 4 or 5 times with a different name and lying about mostly everything. My longest streak was 21 days, yet the counter on my signature was all cool and fancy and shit. It was just a way to feel a little better. I never really felt free from porn deep down, and I think my incorrect usage of nofap has worsened things if possible. Although, everything about my life seemed to get suddendly better though about one year ago, so I left it because I felt no need for it. You see, I finally got back in touch with my father, his wife and my sisters and we all love each other really a lot. All of my mother's family has no problem whatsoever with him and we all live very much in peace. My mother won't talk to me or her family now, but i can't do anything about it so I moved on.
I stopped being angry at people and arrogant, I have a purpose through my day: to take care of my family. Also my father is a musician and a carpenter/engraver and I like both playing music and his job very much so I'm aways busy for one thing or another. It's better than most people's lives in fact I think. I feel like an extremely lucky person most of my day, and in a meaningful way, not in a shallow way, because of what I own but for the beauty and kindness the people around me offer me every day. And I stopped using porn compulsively. Still gave it a look once in a while but it didn't affect my mood at all, excpet when I was feeling really depressed for my mother, back then I did do some binging. But it seemed to be over. I would go for a week or more without fapping and i didn't even realize, I just seemed to have a normal relationship with masturbation, like most people have.
And yet, lately, porn has come back, with more stress and self-loathing attached to it that ever and it comes in the form of pure abuse and violence, what I thought i would never ever seek out: fucking child porn. My father, before I was born, gave about 10 years of his life to heroin and pretty much any other drug he could find, and I'm very similar to him. Too fucking similar. If I didn't have him and his experience by my side I would be the perfect canditate for a future junkie, so now I know I just have to stop seeing any kind of porn or it'll always take me to terrible places, sooner or later.
I need to quit or I'll have a shitload of sexual issues to deal with as an adult.

 

I believe I do too, but can't at the moment. You see, my father isn't legally my father, so, the only person with enough parental authority over me to be able to give consent for me to a therapist is my mother, and she refuses to see me. My grandparents from my mother's side have my custody but not parental authority. So I can't legally see any therapist. And public stuff here is shit.

 

Oh no well thank goodnes at least I'm in peace with my "real world" sexuality. I think I just AM attracted (and yes implying sexually attracted) to some guys, very few guys actually, but still it happened and it was completely genuine. But at the same time I'm not really attracted to the male sex per se. If I see a female with what are considered very attractive features I'll probably almost always be surely find them, let's say, interesting, on the other hand just a couple of guys ever gave me that. Nothing to do with gay porn.