Codependent and Trying

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/how-do-i-trust-him-again.172158/

That's my story above so anyone reading this has a little background.

So... three days since DDay and I'm trying. I want to be better for myself and I want him to be better for himself. For me, the P isn't even the biggest problem. It's the lying and the immaturity. It's not knowing if I really even know this person, when I feel like I've shared everything with him. It's such a huge betrayal. And I just don't know if I even know it all. I am petrified of finding out that it gets worse.

So far he has admitted to the PMO, to the fantasizing and the gawking. And he admitted to two instances of what I consider a gateway to infidelity. He felt an attraction, wanted their attention, and did not walk away even though he knew it was the right thing to do. These were people at work and because of the nature of the relationships, nothing at all "happened" with them. But it was still beyond inappropriate and it was an incredibly immature, stupid, thoughtless thing to do. He said that if the roles were reversed he'd be questioning the relationship, too.

I'm hurt. I'm devastated in many ways. I want to know if there is more. For so long, every time I caught him in a lie he'd say, "There's nothing more, you know everything", but that was always BS. So at what point do I believe that? I'm stuck on this right now. Another member here wisely said that there comes a point where all the details of the past just don't matter anymore, and what matters is drawing that line in the sand and moving forward. But how do I do that if I feel like such a fool for believing him in the first place? My heart hurts.

He's on the forums and he's doing a 90-day reboot, hard mode. His goals include PMO, fantasizing, gawking. But there are also other, personal goals that tie into it including YouTube, social media, and mindless TV. All the things that reinforce his habit of being mindless and thoughtless instead of mindful and intentional.

He's told his whole family, plus a close friend/mentor. He's leaving his phone outside his bedroom and bathroom and he's installed Covenant Eyes on his devices. He's going to see his therapist on Friday and come clean about everything, then ask for more frequent sessions. He's going to join a men's bible study group. All of this sounds great, right? But how do I believe a stitch of it? How on earth do I trust him again?

He came over last night and he seemed different. I had never felt anything like that around him before, it's hard to explain. He seemed calm, not nervous or squirrelly. He was warm and deliberate and moved, talked, more slowly. He chose his words more carefully. Before, he had a habit of speaking very generally to cover up any lies or half-truths. Last night I didn't hear any of that. One of the first things he said to me once we'd said hello, was "I haven't lied once today". Not in a defensive way, but with pride and a smile.

I calmly asked him some tough questions about what happened with the girls from work (it could so easily have ruined everything for him) and he looked me in the eye and told me. The words hurt BAD, but after it was done I felt a sense of peace I wasn't expecting. I didn't feel the need to question what he had said. It felt like the truth. He was immature, wanting them to see him as friends instead of a professional, so that he could stroke his own ego. He said it felt like back in high school (he was a self-described "fat kid" who hated himself) when he was drawn like a moth to flame to any girl who paid him the slightest attention. He said it was not sexual in any way, but that it was still incredibly inappropriate and he was so sorry. He said he had thoughts of wanting to pursue a "friendship" with one of them, which gutted me. Absolutely gutted me.

How do I move past this? Were there others? Will there be more? How do I save myself from the agony of wondering what happens next? I can't stop obsessing over what happened and what may happen. I am stuck.

 

Moderators, I tried posting this in the Journals section but I'm not sure it worked? Still figuring all of this out.

 

I wasn't sure if Partner Support and Journals were separate or one in the same?

 

This is a rough morning for me. I woke up feeling pretty convinced that he's been lying to me about his progress so far. All of the little things he says he's doing to get better (not gawking, keeping his phone out of his bedroom/bathroom, and so on) I feel like he's just saying because he thinks that's what I want to hear. Yesterday I believed him and today I don't. Am I in for a rollercoaster like this for the rest of the relationship?

I know it's because he lied to me so much. He damaged our trust so badly that I can't take for granted anything he says anymore. And last night he lied twice to me on the phone, albeit he fessed up as soon as I pointed it out. But what if I hadn't? it absolutely breaks my heart that he's so comfortable lying to someone he claims to love so much. If I'm "the best thing that's ever happened to him" like he says, then why all the lies? There are too many to count and it's making me feel sick.

This morning he texted me noticeably earlier than he usually would. That, coupled with the lies from last night, led me to think that he had rolled over in bed, grabbed his phone, and texted me. Even though he said last night on the phone that he was leaving his phone outside as soon as we hung up. I don't know what to believe and I don't know how much to ask, how much to pursue. Lies are part of his NoFap counter on these forums. If I don't ask and he doesn't admit the truth on his own, will he have the humility to reset that counter and start over? Or will he do what he's always done and gloss it over, pretend like he's "got this" and everything is fine?

I'm scared this morning. I have to go to class and I'm just a wreck. I feel like I have been for days and I don't know what to do. I want to be a part of this process with him, but I don't know how much to be involved, how much to ask, how much to keep him accountable. It's not my sole responsibility, but I know I'm a big part of it.

Praying today gets better and I find some clarity.

 

Thank you for your support, I really needed that this morning.

I think we've been lulled into this idea that sitting around and scrolling through videos/social media/netflix for hours at a time is somehow a form of stress relief, but it's really not. Just like with any drug, it's initial effects are entertaining or relaxing to some degree. But quickly that turns into something much more sinister and compulsive in which you are no longer trying to make yourself feel "good" like you were at the start. Now, you're just trying to feel "normal". I'm so sick of it.

I know he has the strength to overcome this. He's young, surrounded by very understanding support, and seems motivated (right now I'm having a lot of trouble trusting his motivations, see my last post). But that strength doesn't matter if he's not ready to tackle all that this encompasses.

 

Although I don't wish this pain on anyone, it's a comfort knowing I'm not alone. Would you mind sharing how you cope with the day-to-day feelings that come up? It's been such a rollercoaster for me. I keep wanting him to somehow feel the way the lies make me feel, even though I know that's impossible. Honestly I wish he could feel how any of this makes me feel. I know that's such a bitter and fruitless wish, but that's what's on my mind. He's trying really hard right now and I want to be encouraging, but it's hard to achieve that when I'm so hurt. I want to give him just a small taste of this gut-wrenching feeling I've been carrying with me. To what end? I'm not actually sure. Maybe I'm just angry right now.

 

Today was a rough one but I made it through without falling apart. I even managed to function well in my classes and had fun here and there. SO and I have classes together so we spent a lot of time together today. I cycled a lot between being "okay", anxiety, and anger. Underlying all of it of course is the pain still throbbing in my chest after four days. It's so early on.

He's lit a fire under himself so far. I know how easy it is to be motivated this early, so I'm not trusting all of this yet. He needs to check himself and not underestimate how difficult this is going to be. Part of this journey for him (and any addict, really) is setting aside his ego and gaining humility. He's able to admit his way hasn't worked so far, but is he truly ready to surrender? Remains to be seen.

For my SO, gawking and fantasizing are included in his reboot. For some reason those two just snuck up on me and stabbed me in the gut right before bed. The P isn't bothering me so much right now, but the notion of him gawking at other, real-life women and fantasizing are really getting to me. I can honestly say I really don't do that to him. If I ever do, it's such a rare occurrence I'd call it the exception to the rule. How can he be so blatantly disrespectful to me? Is he really so unhappy with me that he quite literally can't help but gawk at other women and fill his mind with them? If that's the case, if that's really what he wants, why is he with me? Just leave if you're so distracted by other women. If I'm not good enough for you.

I'm scared that at the core of this, he's so easily distracted not just because of the addiction, but because I am not what he wants and he's just in denial. I am scared he will eventually take the final step and cheat on me. Or we will go through all of this... Only for him to meet someone else that he wants more.

 

My boundary is that he has to fess up to it, which he did this time. I realize that isn't ideal. Ideally, he shouldn't lie at all. Following that would be the hope that he takes it upon himself to confess to any lie he tells me. He has done that a couple of times now in the last four days. Considering his addiction and that he has been lying for nearly all of his life, I think it would be unrealistic to expect him to do that regularly until he's had some time to practice this healthy habits. So while he is in reboot and trying to better himself, my expectation is that he owns up to any lie I call him out on. If he lies and I don't "catch" it, then he's agreed to find it within himself to fess up within 24 hours of the lie. That's all I got.

I just spoke with my own therapist and she thought this was a healthy boundary. I asked her what the consequences should be if he messed up, and she thinks that the only "effective" consequence would be to break it off with him. But I am not ready for that. So I don't know what to do. We don't live together, so I can't send him to sleep on the couch if he messes up. We go to school together, so I can't say that I'll refuse to see him. Even if I tried that, (as in, "No quality time spent with me for X days"), I'd be back after that time is up anyway. So how is that really a consequence?

On a positive note, I was able to follow up on the majority of these things and they checked out. I have no way of knowing if he's leaving his phone outside the bathroom when he's showering, but I suppose I could check in with his brother on that. I do want to avoid the trap of doing everything for him, though. So I'm not sure on that one.

Time will tell on this one. My gut right now is telling me that, yes, he is afraid of losing me, but that he also got kicked in the gut this weekend and gained some clarity.