choosing fantasy over reality is really fucking hard

i am 42, been in an intense relationship to porn and especially webcams for the last 10 years.

have battled with PIED since about 2 years into the addictive process - but of course with fantasy sex it was never a problem. gradually, as YBOP explains (hallelujah) real life sex became less and less of an instant turn on. i would only have sex with my GF after a strong cup of a coffee and a secretly swallowed handful of maca, arginine, butea superba, yohimbe etc...

she found out about my secret behaviors about 60 days ago and i went cold turkey for 3 weeks before relapsing very briefly. now i am 39 days without P or M. have the filters on my computers. doing therapy. didn't really vibe with the 12 step meetings i checked out for SA, i know they're related but this just seems different and quite specific. also not a fan of all the "god" stuff that somehow as an atheist i am told to just ignore or reframe so as to work the program - feels dishonest and inauthentic for me.

my GF just left town for the first time in this 39 day stretch and am i am feeling strong in my recovery/reboot, but wanted to ask for some support here for the week as i have the house to myself. my goal is to reach 100 days P and M free ( but not O-free, as we are having fantastic sex several times week, but of course won't be this week..) and then just go for another 100.

this week i am noticing my compulsion/addiction to fantasy, and there are attractive women i see daily that i fantasize about getting to be with. also, as i recover my sexual function through abstaining, i am filled with regret and shame at knowing categorically that it was the porn habit that robbed me of my real life virility - so it is hard not to fantasize about going back to the various women with whom i failed in bed when single, now that i feel full strength again.

to the long timers - please share your wisdom, to guys with less days than me, stick with it, it makes EVERYTHING better. open to dialog and support both ways.

glad to find you guys.