Chasing Dreams

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Reboot Logs' started by a-5000, Nov 20, 2018.

  1. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone!

    This is where I will be updating daily about my PM reboot.

    Porn and masturbation have significantly decreased the quality of my life over the past few years. Specifically, I find it extremely difficult to be aroused by real people, and constantly feel "down" when I am not consuming pornography or masturbating.

    I am fortunate enough to have a loving, sweet girlfriend but sometimes I spend hours on porn or masturbating while she waits for me to finish "working." This leads to many broken promises--I tend to always be late and sometimes never show up after arranging to meet. This has caused many arguments in the past, but I have been unable to fully confess why I do that to her. I believe that she thinks it is because I do not love her enough, and realizing that hurts deeply.

    If PM does not directly affect my relationship, it indirectly affects it by causing me to procrastinate on multiple projects. I am now consistently staying up much too late and never get enough sleep because I binge on porn and masturbation during the day and rush to catch up on the work I have missed very late at night, when I start panicking. This, of course, leads to less and less time with my girlfriend, further straining our relationship and even endangering my health, as I am always very tired from a lack of sleep.

    Rebooting and learning to control my desires will not only free me of these problems but will also teach me self-discipline, a skill that I have never mastered. Porn and masturbation are not the only routes I have to escape from reality--I also sometimes binge on video games or surf the internet mindlessly (usually ending up at porn) to avoid doing what I need to do. I will have to watch out for these habits during my reboot so that they don't simply replace PM.

    Ultimately, I hope I will learn to set myself up for success each day, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep.

    It's time for me to take control.
     
    Buddhabro likes this.
  2. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 2

    I last masturbated 2 days ago so I am starting at Day 2.

    Today was surprisingly empty of urges, but that's probably because I was with people almost the entire day. I've taken the time to write out common rationalizations I use to convince myself that PMO is okay (it's really not when you have a bunch of deadlines looming over you) and I am trying to think up of simple but effective counters that I will try to commit to memory. Most of the time, I just randomly decide to look at a triggering picture on a whim--if I can beat these stray thoughts away with a solid counter, this reboot should come much easier.

    Won't be having much to do this week so hoping I'll be able to spend more time with my girlfriend--she deserves it.

    Feeling pretty proud of myself for staying clean for two days... never actually counted before but I don't think I've managed to keep a streak this long more than 10 times in my entire life. Impressive.
     
  3. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 3

    Forgot to state how long my reboot is going to be for! I am shooting for 90 days for now.

    Was also busy most of today... the morning could've been more productive though. Didn't spend a lot of time with my girlfriend, unfortunately, but was able to cheer her up a little at night after what had been a hard day for her. A few urges here and there, but nothing significant.

    Onwards!
     
  4. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 4

    Today was a pretty rough day.

    Nothing really happened to me, but I just felt like giving up and doing nothing for 12 hours. I surfed the internet and binged on YouTube for hours and hours, not stopping because I felt like it was "too late" to redeem myself. My girlfriend and I ended up fighting again and she keeps saying she hates herself.

    The idea that I should do more of what I know I shouldn't do just because I've done it for a few hours is ridiculous. Things need to change for anything to improve. I don't feel happy when I'm binging like that--I just keep doing it to avoid facing the realization and shame of what I've done when I take a break from it. But that shame and realization is good. It's a jump back to the real world and another chance to start moving and improving. I will think about this next time this happens.

    The one thing I am proud about is that I did not PM today. I recognize that mindlessly surfing the internet was very, very dangerous as there are triggers lurking around every corner, but I got lucky this time.

    Onwards!
     
  5. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 5

    Today was pretty much a repeat of yesterday, but I guess my one consolation is that I did spend smaller blocks of time mindlessly surfing the internet, although I always went back after an hour or so. This was because I told myself that continuing to waste time just because I was already wasting time made no sense (what I was talking about in my last post), so I guess I'm starting to learn to break those long, painful blocks of zero productivity. Now my challenge is to stay off of YouTube (or whatever site I was on) after I leave.

    I'm in a pretty precarious situation right now, because I think I'm using these long binges as a replacement for masturbation. If I keep this up, I'll just have another addiction on my hands! I need to keep reminding myself that this could potentially become my new PMO...

    I have a general idea of what I want to accomplish tomorrow--maybe this will help me keep on track!

    Onwards!
     
  6. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 6

    I am reconsidering what a relapse means in my recovery.

    Yesterday started off really well, with me working hard at something for a few hours. Then I decided to give myself a break (which I am totally fine with). Unfortunately, I didn't really set a limit and ended up binging until I went to sleep again. This is already starting to look like an addiction, and I am thinking about setting my counter to reflect PM and unnecessary binging on the internet, but I am not sure how I would coordinate that. I still want to reward myself for abstaining from PM, but I cannot let this habit continue.

    From now on, if I am working, I will only allow myself breaks if they are planned 15 min in advance, with a set start and end. Let's see how that turns out.

    Onwards!
     
  7. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 0

    This is hard.

    I've been relapsing multiple times every day since I last posted. It all started on another mindless internet binge, and at that point, I was so low that I thought "why the fuck not," and broke my streak. This, unfortunately, led to stronger urges as well as decreased morale, and I suffered a lot the past few days. I'm going to be changing things up a little by resetting my day count every time I internet binge. However, my badge will still reflect the number I have gone PM-free. My goal is to reach Day 90--with NO binging OR PM.

    It's kind of weird how low my pain tolerance is. I'm not talking physically; I mean stress, or just doing something not fun. Most of the time, I just binged or watched porn or masturbated purely because I wanted to avoid doing things--except some of these things were fun in their own right! It just shows how conditioned I am to the pleasure you get from PMO. It's like only eating one type of food for a year--when the year ends and you have a feast, everything would taste kind of disgusting, simply because you're not used to it! (okay that was a really bad analogy but you see what I'm going for here). There's a lot of things I do enjoy, once I get caught up in them: playing piano and saxophone, reading, talking with my girlfriend, hanging out with friends, the list goes on and on.

    It's totally possible to live my life without porn and masturbation. All I need to do is go for it.

    Onwards!
     
  8. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 0

    Was tired today and started binging. Ended up on some suggestive material and PMO'ed.

    I really need to figure out a game plan for my urges--I said I would write down a list of possible rationalizations and counter them, but I am still not finished. I will do that tomorrow; I have a girlfriend to attend to now.

    I will never give up.

    Onwards!
     
  9. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 0

    This is getting kind of ridiculous.

    I didn't do what I had planned today at all. I binged, I PMO'ed--I don't know what to do.

    I did change some settings on my computer so explicit material would be blocked. I know how to override it though since I don't want to limit my computer...

    I'm not sure where I'm headed, but onwards!
     
  10. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 1

    Success!

    I finished my counter-rationalizations; there are 12. Now I just need to memorize them and apply them...

    I'm feeling pretty motivated and did not waste time at all today. It's been a while since I've reached 1 day and I'm proud of myself.

    Onwards!
     
  11. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 0

    Pretty satisfied with how I managed today even though I wasted 1 hour total on the internet. A lot of stress has been piling up and I need to face it some other way...

    Onwards!
     
  12. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 1

    Busy day. Did spend around 20-30 minutes doing nothing but I'm okay with that. I'm counting this day. Overestimated how late I could stay up working... should've probably focused my energy on an earlier time and just slept earlier.

    Onwards!
     
  13. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 0

    Two more relapses. The sad part is that after I relapse once all of the energy from my body leaves me and I end up wasting so much more time.

    I've decided to memorize my list of counter-rationalizations. I have 10, and I'll memorize and commit one to heart each day.

    Today's rationalization is: 1) "I've already relapsed and am binging. There's no point in going back."

    Response: By staying the same you're further reopening the wound that is healing.
    Change is the only way things improve. Improvement is a change.
    You don't really feel happy while doing this--you feel guilty. You just keep doing it because you want to avoid breaking away and facing the shame and realization of what you've done.
    But the shame and realization is good. It's a jump back to the real world and a fresh chance to start moving, changing, and improving. Embrace it.

    I feel better just writing that! I think I'll pick up the habit of writing these or at least reading these often--it might do some good.

    The fight continues.

    Onwards!
     
  14. a-5000

    a-5000 Fapstronaut

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    Day 1

    Just a very busy day. No relapses :)

    Today's rationalization is: 2) "I'll only do it for a little."

    Response: You're doing this because you don't want to face the urges--the signs of your healing. There's better ways to kill them.
    You're just teasing yourself now--if you're really not going to go full-out, then why are you showing yourself what you can't have? Do you want to be unhappy?

    Onwards!
     

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