Can't Think

This is only day 4, and now i'm at home.. where I grew up. And I can't even think straight. I've been helping decorate a christmas tree, but I had to come up here just so I could shower. I feel like a 13 year old boy (no offense 13yr old boys ha) amd feeling like this.. I changed from PMO to just P for now, but they go together so tightly. It makes me crave P. The day before I left Boston, I kind of "spent" the night with my RA, in ways I shouldn't have. But I didn't really get off or anything.. but just having to deal with someone. She kept asking me while we were laying there "so what kind of porn do you like?" And then talking about what she likes. She didn't even realize how difficult that was, and then kept trying to get me to make a move on her, and I wouldn't.. so finally, she did. And I just went with it.
I don't know. This just feels like a failed week.

 

I definitely just failed today.. having to reset, I suppose. Also, i'm not very interested in her. But she is pretty much a warm body, which I would feel bad about, but she doesn't have feelings for me. She just wanted to mess around, so I went along with it. Even though it didn't do much for me, it was nice to be wanted and have someone..

 

I'm sure this is still applicable, and I appreciate it.. lol.. but for the record, I am a female. Which makes the situation a bit weirder for me haha.

 

@Ongoingsupport haha thats okay. RA means my resident advisor for college. The person who lives on my floor in the dorm to make sure we don't do bad things in the dorm and whatnot.. and we're at a Christian college, so really the whole situation is a bit messed up. A series of unfortunate events.

 

Yeah, I feel a bit guilty about the whole thing, and I didn't even really enjoy it. I don't really know what to do about the situation, because I definitely have feelings for a guy who is a really strong Christian. But this just adds to all the reasons i'm never going to be good enough for someone like him. I feel like I'm self imploding.

 

I appreciate that. I probably needed to hear that. To be honest, its really hard right now, because its like I use PMO as a coping mechanism or to not have to think. But i'm just trying to keep my goals in mind. I just feel such like a failure this month.