Can't stop thinking about her and it sucks!

I've never been the type to get emotionally attached to people and generally considered myself to be a loner. I switched schools a ton growing up, so I've never had a lasting friendship, much less a lasting dating relationship. I have never attended a single school for longer than 2 years. I've always been able to walk away from people in general without looking back or feeling anything. I am used to people coming and going. I even went to 3 different colleges.

ANYWAY, to get to the point, I met this girl 2 years ago. Since we had the same major, we pretty much had all the same classes. I saw this girl everyday and we started talking a lot. We had pretty much everything in common. It was weird how similar we were and I have never connected with another human being the way I connected with her. Due to my immaturity with dating and hell even friendship, I let myself fall way too hard, way too quickly. I asked her out on a date after we had been texting and talking to each other every day for 8 months. I thought for sure she had feelings for me, but she turned me down. She said she was scared it would be too awkward because we were in the same program and basically had all the same friends. BUT, she said, " I think you're so awesome and I will totally go on a date with you after this is over!"

Like a damn fool, I believed her and I didn't give up. We continued to talk and hang out as friends for another six months, and I continued to get to know her better and discover yet even more things we had in common. I was hooked. Anyway, long story short, she met another guy after going home on summer break and started dating him. She tried to hide it from me by not changing her relationship status on Facebook and always saying she was going home to visit family/friends, but I'm not that stupid. I knew what she was doing and it broke my heart. I eventually confronted her about the issue and she confessed saying, "You're a wonderful person and I think of you as one of my best friends (gag), and I know that this time next year you'll be with someone who is perfect for you!" You know, the typical crap girls say.

I stopped talking to her pretty much altogether and threw our friendship away. But, lucky for me, I still had to see her every day for another six months until graduation. But what makes me sick is that I haven't seen her in 8 months, and I still find myself thinking about her every day. I feel pathetic and think to myself, "You're weak! Get over her! She used you, lied to you, and disrespected you. Move on!" But I can't. I am too immature when it comes to relationships because I've never much had an opportunity for one. So for you guys out there who have gone through this sort of thing before, how do you stop thinking about someone?

 

Thanks sandwich77 and SkyDoge. I know I should get over it, but somehow she keeps creeping back into my head. Although, she did help me to stop being a nice guy. I've try not to be one of those guys. I think they're overly emotional and wimpy. However, I allowed myself to become one with her because I though I "loved" her. Went on a couple dates a few months ago with another girl, but that didn't work out. I thought she was cute, but I wasn't all that interested in her and she could tell it. I was honestly kind of a dick to her. She eventually just said she didn't want the relationship to go any farther and I was ok with it. It was nice though because she helped take my mind off "the one that got away." But I've sunk back into a rut lately and started dwelling on that girl because of I've been stuck inside for the past two months studying for a licensing exam. I have to pass it before I can start my job. It's forced me to be by myself a lot and I haven't been able to socialize much. There's other women out there and I will get busy finding them as soon as I start work.

 

The headstrong warrior attitude is something I've been working on for years. I'm hoping that I can get there, but progress is slow. My biggest problem is that I worry too damn much about offending people or making them upset. The thing is, people will get offended no matter what you do. It's unavoidable. So it's better to just walk around not giving a damn, only focusing on doing what is right and best, despite how it may make others feel. For me, at least, that's easier said than done.

 

I think the reason you are obsessing with this one is because you are telling yourself a story about her. Some of the story is that she was "the one" and you've never had a connection with anyone like her. Then when she didn't return your feelings you have thoughts like "she ruined my chance for happiness". It has nothing to do with the girl but to do with the thoughts about the girl. The fact that you threw away a great friendship because she didn't like you romantically is not very mature. She kept things from you because she really liked you and when you are a girl who has a guy for a good friend inevitably it always ends up with the guy liking you (or vice versa) I was in this exact position with my husband once. We were good friends, he liked me but I didn't like him back romantically. Luckily he liked me enough to not hold it against me, we remained good friends and now we are married. I am not saying you could have one day married her I am saying that the "friend zone" doesn't exist and a good friendship whether it be between people of the same or opposite sex is hard to come by and she knew that. She didn't rub it in your face she wanted to spare your feelings. No matter how much you want her to be, she is not a bad person and you know this. This makes it hard for you to let go.

Write down every thought you are having about her and challenge it. Is it true? What makes it true? Are you absolutely certain?

 

It appears that we have two very different viewpoints on what was said in the original post. I gave my opinion which doesn't mean I am right. Just my view of the situation.

I was my husbands first crush and the first girl he ever admitted to liking. My perspective is from a woman looking at the situation so I will think differently having been in the situation myself with a good friend...my husband. I didn't want to "lead him on" or make him feel like there was a chance which is the mistake she made but does that make her a bad person? I don't think so. A huge part of the reason I didn't want to get romantically involved with my husband was because I valued our friendship. I was young and stupid and thought romance would mess up our friendship which was ridiculous. When I wised up and realized I was being stupid I gave it a chance. My husband had to spend many nights angry and jealous because I was seeing this guy or that guy but he valued our friendship too. I guess he thought he'd rather be friends with me than lose me. Life is messy and complicated and people do things for all sorts of reasons. Saying that this woman is a bitch or was intentially out to destroy him is probably not the truth. The truth is probably more like, she is young, stupid and made wrong decisions.

 

That is exactly how it was. You're not projecting mundanehaiku. She never did anything nice for me that wasn't in response to something overly kind and thoughtful that I did for her. I invested tons of time, energy, and sometimes even money into our friendship. I carried the entire burden while she contributed next to nothing. I could count on one hand the number of times she initiated contact with me via text, Facebook, or in person. And when she did, it was only because she wanted or needed something, not because she just wanted to talk to me.

She always tried to keep me at arms length, yet would act annoyed or angry whenever I would act the same way towards her. If she ever saw me talking to another woman, she would walk past me without saying hello and/or give me an angry stare. So I was always confused. I was thinking, "Well, she seems to like me talking to her and doesn't like it when I act distant. And she doesn't want me to talk to other girls, so she must like me. She must value me as a person. Perhaps there is a future for us." She would also make a point to post pictures of her hanging out with her new boyfriend on Facebook whenever I spent time with another woman (without calling him her boyfriend). I did this a number of times and she always responded the same way. But she still would always come up with excuses as to why she couldn't hang out me, and would not text me or contact me without me first contacting her. So I finally asked her about the other dude, and I took as my sign that I needed to get away from this girl. Like you said, mundanehaiku, this was the first real "relationship" I'd ever had with a woman, so I didn't know how to handle all of this. I should have walked away from her as soon as she turned me down for that date.

Listen, I hear you as well, Limeaid, but this girl was messing with my head badly. Basically, she enjoyed the attention I paid her because I was sacrificing my self-respect to stroke her ego and make her feel special. Being friends with this girl only benefited her, meanwhile I was caught up in disappointment and confusion. Keeping her around was not making me a better person, but I've since learned from it and bettered myself in the time apart from her. Looking back, this girl was immature and selfish. She hid her relationship status because she felt guilty for going back on her word. That's it. I am way better off without her. My biggest regret is that I ignored other potential dating options while I was in school because I was too caught up with this one.

Yet, I still find myself thinking about her at least once a day. I wouldn't date her even if I had the chance and I don't want to rekindle our so-called friendship. But I guess I'm still hurt by the experience, and it is a scar on my subconscious. I've been talking to other girls, but I haven't established any close friendships with them. I don't feel a strong urge to date them either. I'm mostly just curious about them. I think I'm looking for someone who will make me feel the same strong feelings of attraction that I felt for the "one that got away," even if it's a good thing that she got away. I've never cared for someone so much in my life.

 

Also, I deleted all of my social media accounts a few months back (Facebook and Instagram) for a number of reasons and I like my life better without them. However, one of the reasons I did it was because it would prevent me from checking on her.

 

You're right, Tweeby. But I learned a lot from the experience. I do have some game. The girl in question did in fact have feelings for me. I heard from her best friend that she did like me, but was genuinely concerned about us having so many classes together and having so many mutual friends. But I allowed the pain of the rejection to turn me into a fawning nice guy, and that doomed the entire thing. But that doesn't mean that I think highly of her. She did have her problems and I learned all of her issues well. I swore never again would I allow myself to become a nice guy.

I actually found another girl I liked a lot earlier this year, but it did not take long for me to notice the similarities between her and the first girl. She liked me and feelings for me too. That was obvious. However, she was too unwilling to break up with her boyfriend. After a few weeks of dropping hints that I was interested, I walked away. I refused to be her friend and just an acquaintance. I took the attitude, "If you want me, you have to break up with the loser boyfriend. Until then, I'm going to evaluate other dating options." She ended up moving to another town, and that was that. I'm not hurt though. It's her loss because she clearly wasn't all that happy with her boyfriend. All she needed to do was work up the courage and dump him. I have a hell of a lot more to offer her than that guy. She is a fool, but she chose her road.

 

Lol very true, Tweeby. The first girl was the first one I've ever pursued, and she came right at the time I decided to lose weight and get in shape. After that, I suddenly had much more confidence since I was getting a lot more attention from girls. However, I hadn't yet learned how to NOT be a nice guy, so like you said, it took me a long time to work up the courage and show my hand. Back then, I had zero game. I blew up her phone and behaved just like one of her friends. The mutual friends and classes thing wouldn't matter to me, and it didn't matter to me since I was trying to date her. I think she just didn't know exactly what she wanted to do with me, so she led me around in circles for months. Nevertheless, she's the first girl I've ever really cared for, and thus I had a hard time getting over her. She just, I don't know, got in my head somehow and won't leave even though she's very much out of my life.

Since that time though, I'm less desperate, more sure of myself, and have a better understanding of what makes women tick. My problem now is not a lack of women interested in me. I have a few of those. Rather, there's a lack of interesting women in my life. I'm very picky, perhaps too picky.

Thanks for the book of Pook, by the way. Interesting reading.

 

Ok so that was a completely different story than the original one. If she was seriously so horrible to you why are you having an issue getting over her and also why were you so interested in this person to begin with?

The truth is you liked her and for a good reason and now you are pissed she didn't reciprocate. We have ALL been there, it's life. Game and pickup is not the way to go. You did nothing wrong except like a girl who didn't like you back. That is part of life! Thinking that anyone who is not into you is a fool is also not a good idea. I am sure there are girls that liked you that you did not like back, does that make you a fool for not wanting them? I am sure you are a great guy and will meet someone who likes you back one day. Don't harden your heart!

Anyway just my 2 cents.

 

I know. My pickiness is more in the girl's personality and beliefs. I'm a Christian and I want a Christian. But attractive Christian women who are single are very rare. At least, they are where I live. Anyway, the girl with a boyfriend had a lot of things I look for in a girl, so I couldn't help but develop a crush :/. It's not like I was constantly pushing her to break up. For the most part, I just kept her as an acquaintance and patiently waited, while also keeping my eyes open to the other women in my life. But I called her a fool because the guy she was dating didn't have much going for him, but perhaps she saw something in him I did not. I don't know everything about her situation. Who knows?