Can't stop thinking about guys, but I'm not gay

I see that you are afraid that you could become gay.
Nowadays gay is not anything serious you know, first you should overcome your fear that you might be gay. You need to accept yourself.
And having some fantasies with men doesn't mean you can love women, it might just mean you are bisexual, and yeah, bisexual men does exists.
So the problem was not your fantasy, but rather, your fear. Fear itself will reinforce your fantasy, making it an obsession.
Accept yourself and enjoy dating with whoever you want

 

First, my respect for your honest text and being free from PMO for over 40 days already, while rebooting. In a way this is what makes the personal coming-out process or better, the first step on it: To admit at least before yourself, what you really want and desire and then reaching out for it.

Okay, this "but I´m not gay!" is probably one of the most common first reactions by at least 80% of boys, who discover they get a boner by thinking about other boys, cocks or men.
Simple because being gay is labeled with a stigmata still, in the past much more than today, but societies are far from a situation like:
"Oh, I have to telll you this Karen, I think little Danny likes boys much more than girls and will marry one later. Well, seems like no grandkids for me, haha"

Being gay will always stay some kind minority problem, as long bisexual behaviour has not been accepted as complete common and normal. My personal conviction is that only about 10% of men are really totally gay or straight. Meaning under no circumstances they would consider doing anything sexual with someone who doesn´t match their sex preference. The rest has preferences and tendencies, which are floating mostly in the straight direction, but often because society and peer pressure directs them so. Of course there is a natural urge to mate with the opposite sex that comes from evolution, also to secure the going on of mankind. That is why "straight actvity" has been considered the norm and probably always will be. You cannot "convert" and make up with a true straight or gay man, not even full drunk and totally horny. I just write that before, because by what you have written, reads to me like you have common bisexual tendencies, while you think and fantasize about women too. But because these same sex tendencies are kinda tabooo and been taught to you as something potential "dangerous", meaning to might get even much stronger, once you would give in to them, you also try to block them even more. Nevertheless they are there. If you would be totally straight, you would not even be tempted to fantasize about them. Like lots of proud gay men refuse even to watch any kind of straight porn, because they feel "disgusted" by pussy.

I have noticed that many self accepting bisexual men, who live in permanent relationships with women, prefer to bottom when they date other men. They enjoy or feel the need to switch the sides then and prefer to submit.

While in macho, arabic, militaristic or male exclusive jailhouse culture, where demonstrating certain masculine behaviours are important and watched, answered and rewarded with respect or higher social status by other men, admitting to enjoy to bottom will bring the man down nearly always to the "faggot" level, which is the lowest. You may "get fucked" sometimes in life by someone, but never admit you even enjoy it or look out for it, because that is considered as a betrayal to your own sex.
(ofc this is not my personal opinion, I just try to reflect the peer pressure mechanism)
Because it´s considered such a taboo among males, it has lots of potential sexual attraction, like anything declared sexual taboo. As more it´s forbidden and has been made special (pervert, abnormal, kinky) by the social environment: like for example also sex with minors, family members or sexual abuse/rape, as more it becomes a widespread forbidden sexual fantasy, especially if it´s tolerated under certain special circumstances. (in primitive societies and also asian societies people got married as soon reaching sexual maturity; people look out sexually for element of their parents unconsciously, rape was commonly accepted or even encouraged in wars and sexual actvivities between males in the military/jail are not just a myth.

I think many men have tried that, who do not feel physically attracted to men, but they enjoy the feeling being penetrated so much.
Strap-ons and transgendered person sex are so common and admired as porn scenarios for a reason. Most gay men are not at all attracted to those, because the penetration is only desirable to them, if it is performed by a masculine male, but not by a woman or transperson.

Thats definitely a point. Hooking up gay guys for free sex is available 24/7 with the right apps and body features.

So going bottom or trying with a man for real, seems to you like a one way street, or like losing your virginity. Once chosen, no return or change of the direction possible anymore?


You do not write anything about your real experiences with women.

 

Hi PMO addict, I hope I can help you with this like you helped me with a different problem a while back.

My immediate thought is that this is related to the childhood abuse you spoke about in a different thread, I'm not a psychologist or therapist so dont take my word as gospel but based on what you have revealed to us it seems like the abuse may have affected you very deeply and has caused a complex in you now. Your fascination with the sex acts you describe seem like they stem from this complex and not from "natural" sexual maturation or from just being naturally kinky. Being abused at a young age has robbed you of this which is frankly tragic, so I would make the effort to work these issues out and hopefully overcome them BEFORE you make any other action, even if it takes years. While it isn't at all on the same level, my low self esteem and lack of self worth (or to be more specific I should say inconsistent self worth) is what affects my sexuality and sexual desires, although in my case this manifests itself in different ways to how it affects you. I consumed a lot of the same material you did and for a time entertained similar fantasies but I always knew deep down that it was just fantasy influenced by porn and other external stimuli, nothing more. I hope that one day you can rest easy knowing the same.

In the meantime my best piece of advice that you didn't mention is to take the initiative by researching self-help techniques and tricks that could assist you in overcoming this. First things first, take up meditation, I did that to deal with my general anxiety and stress levels and honestly it works very well. Just find a style that works for you and stick to it, letting your mind go completely blank as worries and anxieties wash away is very satisfying and fulfilling. Secondly, I would also put some research into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, which is something you can do at home without the need of a professional therapist. Practicing things like positive affirmations, challenging limiting beliefs, breathing exercises and mindfulness can all help, and thats just the tip of the iceberg.

Finally, I would like to invite you to message me privately to discuss anything you dont feel comfortable talking about on the forums or to just have someone there ready to listen. You really helped me when I posted my "I am a porn addict" thread and I want to return the favor. If that sounds like something you are interested in just send a message my way. Good luck!

 

The advice on this thread is very good. Maybe you could turn it into a checklist for when you feel unwanted thoughts and desires. Something like:

1. Be mindful/conscious of the unwanted thought/desire.
2. Accept it without judgement: 'this is what I'm feeling at this point in time but it doesn't define me'.
3. Understand it as a common thought/desire which the majority of people experience, and which is not immoral.

 

I know i might get censorship for saying this, but here is my view:

I just wan't to say that i totally disaprove of homosexuality, and i don't recommend you go that way. I think ultimately it is a choice, a subconscious choice made over life.


Hope i won't piss off too many people, that was not my intention

 

Acutally I'm in the opposite situation )) I used to think I could be straight when I first notice that I sometime like women.(well mostly gay now)
And yeah, homosexual activities does have higher risk, mostly anal sex. O
And just like you, I'm afraid of STDs, sometimes it was like an obsession. If you afraid of STDs, always use condom.
And if you afraid of bad guys (also like me), just stay away from dating apps )) Build relationship with people only after u understand them well. I met someone try to hook up with me in the gym once, luckily I don't go to the bath room

 

If you did a 12-step program to encourage yourself away from dating women before, I would be indeed careful restarting dating with a gay/bi app, because it can be very tempting, to change from a before serious manifested porn addiction directly into a real life sex addiction instead. Especially because it is so easy and most guys look only for a sex date there anyway, so no personal attachments included and discretion secured.

First risk is rather minimal absurd, as long you don´t lose all your common sense, because of horniness. (I mean, how many John Wayne Gacys or Jeffrey Dahmers have you heard about in the last twenty years?) STD´s are also preventible by using condoms. There is even a possibility to prevent HIV infections now, with taking prophylactic meds few days before the planned sex. (it´s mostly an option for gay men who want to have sex without any condom or planning a wild weekend, other topic)

Mostly by checking out if he is generally an honest person. If he fakes pictures/age/occupation/relationship state it´s already an obvious hint, he might fake other stuff also in this way, if it suits him.

I agree those risks exist also to less degree with women. But because you are mostly thinking about to bottom and maybe even with several guys same time, you are correct with the potential restrisk.

Nor am I and I even watched straight porn often more interested than any gay porn, although I define myself as a gay man. If I compare and relate the number of women and men I had sex with, my heterosexuality is at 5%. Nevertheless I really liked and enjoyed the sex with the women too. I would not have to be drunk or drugged to have sex with a woman at all, I am just not in the erotic mode with them. There is no sexual intention or interest by my side, that goes beyond flirting. But I cannot exclude, that I will never have a serious relationship with a woman, because I really like them. Probably more than men, at least for the emotional part.

You have no idea how many well respected married with children family dads do exactly this way. I do not assume my high number of covered and secret bisexuality out of the blue, I have observed, experienced and watched kinds of lot male sexual behaviour in the last 28 years. Real life, not just online.

Might be unlikely, but not impossible. As long you do not want her to hide her true identity completly, because someone conservative might not approve it.

If you say so, maybe it is.

If she is a conservative woman, she would probably reject you then, I agree.

So several girls and women, but no man yet, although lots of fantasies. Reads like you would be bisexual to me.Whatever the reasons for this may be.

Emm, no, have to disagree. I never got any STD by a gay man. Partly luck, partly I have very seldom chosen a douchebag to have sex with. But I and a woman I had sex with both got scabies some days later. I went to the dermatologist, and he gave me something to fight them. Done, after lots of stress with changing and washing all clothes, sheets, etc.

You are writing about HIV, because nearly all other STD´s can be cured with probable treatment.HIV can be treated only, but not be cured yet.

If you intent to describe by "them" horny irresponsible men in general and not exclusivly gay men, there might be a little truth in this.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay! If you can get your mind around that, I'd say that's a good first place to start.

Now I'd highly recommend continuing on your no pmo journey, see where that takes ya, and if in the meantime (or after) you find a girl or a guy that you like and it's healthy, why the he'll not?

 

Hiv victims are something like 70% male homosexuals and drug addicts. Anal sex is 50 times more risky for aids.
Add to this the crude reality of male homosexual lifestyle, which is often caracterized by a great number of partners, unprotected sex....
Well my post is going to get burned but you get the picture.

 

literally all women think like this but you doesnt make you gay

 

i really feel sorry for you here. that bi phobia and toxic man hood is messing with your head.
reading your first post sounds like you are bi or you just want to experiment with being a receiver of anal play that doesnt make you gay!. as a bi women who is in a relationship with a man i say 'give yourself a break darling and forget society'. as a women it would not put me of if you wanted me to do that to you neither would it if you had been with a man and now you want to be with me.
im sorry life has been cruel to you and i hope one day you meet a nice women(or man) and you can let go experiment and have fun. good luck

 

This thread is not about your personal aversion or fear of homosexuality or AIDS. It was started by PMO addict, because he is bothered by the outwritten situation. So please, stay on topic and do not derail it into anything else.

 

I think theres a difference between wanting to experiment due to normal curiosity and being influenced by porn, that seems to be the OP's issue here. I'm not inherently against other sexualities, or less vanilla sex acts, (I even entertained the idea of being bi myself for a while and like OP struggle with various porn-induced fetishes), but what I am against is people acting upon compulsions created by porn as I believe that to be unhealthy. It seems to me that this is nothing more than anxiety, and that acting upon the compulsion will do nothing more than heighten the anxiety. Now if after a full reboot, OP feels the same, then thats another matter, but right here right now even thinking about acting upon these urges is counting the chickens before they hatch in my opinion.

I also have to ask, out of simple curiosity, what part of the original post was "biphobic" or the result of "toxic manhood"? I'm not sure how that factors into this so please enlighten me.

 

Did a quick ctrl+F search for "HOCD" (homosexual obsessive-compulsive disorder) and the term didn't show up. But what you write sounds a lot like that. So, there are other people with similar issues, enough so there's a quasi-clinical term for this. Make sure to inform yourself about it before making plans of acting out with a guy (which you will hopefully never feel the need to do). There's a link in my signature on how to deal with it.

 

I think the root cause of the indecision is the abuse. Our brains react weird in those situations in order to survive. I recommend professional help that can dig deep on the effects of your situation. After that you will be able to clear up your mind and make the right choice. Stability is needed for long time relationships.