Can't stop thinking about a girl!!! Some advice plz!!

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by TheRevenant, Nov 4, 2016.

  1. TheRevenant

    TheRevenant Fapstronaut

    65
    1,769
    113
    Recently, my mind's been so obsessed about a girl that I can't almost spend my time without wondering what she's doing. This girl has been giving me all the signals that she's interested in me but after we got to know each other and got cool, I don't know if I crossed some lines but out of curiosity I started asking her so many question which I personally think they're a lot but u may disagree(I asked about her job,her work hours, where she lives and etc..). We study at the same university and I think she had grown an interest in me since the last semester(Not gonna lie, I liked her too:)). So recently I got so obsessed about her that I started helping her a lot with her lessons and even most of the time offering my help without her asking. I think I care too much about her(which could become obvious), more than I should and I should get over this somehow. I guess getting so obsessed and addicted about sth or someone is one the side effects of PMO which even after 87 clean days, I can still feel the side effects. And I also think it's because it's my first time getting to know a girl(Yeah I had never the guts maybe). So the thing is that I kinda feel she's not interested as she was before and I'm so worried if she's meeting somebody(which I shouldn't be cause we're not bf gf yet) and feel like I've been used. I can't study properly, can't do my programming stuff without thinking about her so I can't focus(like 90% of my thoughts= her)
    I really don't want thinking about her this way if she just wants me as a close friend and nothing more serious.
    Just help me get over it plz. Any tips would do.:(
     
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  2. I've been there. Its great that you know her. That you have things in common. That you can have conversations. Now comes the courageous moment...

    Do you want her to be a friend who will drift away? Or do you want to take the chance and ask her out? I hate to say it, but take it from a guy ho was "friends" with so many women its sad.

    There are 3 options:

    1. You stay buddies. But at some point she will date someone else and you can't be that buddy in the same way. If you were dating her would you want some other guy who obviously liked her hanging around.
    2. You tell her: "Hey, I like you a lot. You are an amazing woman. You're smart and you make me laugh. I always look forward to our time together. But you need to know that I like you more than I have let on. I think we should go on a date and see if we could be more than friends. Could I take you out to a movie next week?"

    And she says no, I just want to stay friends. Your heart breaks. You wish you could vanish into thin air. You wish you could take all the words back into your mouth. It feels awkward. But you cover it up and smile sheepishly and say "That's cool, no big deal. let's get back to studying." And you study. But maybe next week you miss a study session. You're still friends. But its there. That awkwardness between you. It will dissolve. It won't always feel weird. But it won;t always be the same. And she will eventually date someone else (see #1).

    3. She says "Yes. I really like you too. You're kind and you make me laugh. I'd love to see a movie with you"

    You feel like a million bucks. The world seems brighter. You feel nervous in a different way.

    #3 is so hard to do. But you can do it. And the less you PMO, the better. PMO always leaves you feeling icky (even if it feels good for a moment). That ickyness is all over you, it doesn;t wash off. You lack confidence in yourself. You think "Why would a girl want to date some dude who strokes hi dick looking at a screen" She picks up on this lack of confidence.

    But you are worth it. Stop PMO, Channel that energy towards her instead. She will feel that desire coming from you (but keep it reined in). But that energy will radiate off you and she will be intrigued.

    You can do it man!
     
    goodnice 2.0, Landypandy and Quiver like this.
  3. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

    1,191
    1,949
    143
    Wow dude, just ask her out! Things will be alright, even if she's not interested!

    Wanna hear a story of an experience I had myself? There was this girl which I got to know at the sports course at university. I liked her but didn't really consider her "my type" (which was silly). But still I liked her and seeked her proximity. At some point I left the course for orhtopedic reasons. We then only saw each other coincidentally a few times and exchanged a few messages on Facebook. Then, after four or five months of silence I just thought of her again and it occurred to me that she's actually a great woman. I texted her and few days later we had a date. It's that simple, and it doesn't have to be too late, just because you think you missed an occasion or two.
     
  4. TheRevenant

    TheRevenant Fapstronaut

    65
    1,769
    113
    Thanks a lot guys @Headspace, @FreshStartJames for your nice comments and sharing ur experiences. Will surely try my best to put'em to good use. I just don't wanna rush to her and say I like u so I guess I'm gonna tread carefully for a while to make sure it goes both ways.
     
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  5. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    what ended up happening with this girl? Have you had luck with any girls dating wise? i’m starting to lose hope in a possibility of relationship anytime soon.

    Wouldn’t girls have been swarming you on your long 500 +

    i’m questioning whether girls are worth it, but hoping the right one will come along one day. Until then it’s better to focus on oneself don’t you think?
     
  6. @Gurdeep_Singh

    @Gurdeep_Singh Fapstronaut

  7. TheRevenant

    TheRevenant Fapstronaut

    65
    1,769
    113
    That didn't go as I planned. I mentioned liking her more than a simple friend a second time and that made her say what I didn't want to hear. She said didn't want to enter a relationship and only wanted a close friendship. That's when we parted because I couldn't stay friend with someone whom I had feeling towards. That was hurting me. She wasn't even coming out with me.
    But it didn't end up that bad either. I learned a lot. I transformed. I understand her more now, because after her I'm also not into starting a relationship with someone and I only want friends right now. After her I had a terrible time until I got back on my feet but that was worth it. I started to realize that being so in love with her I was closing my eyes on all the other beautiful things in life. I could think, study, work, interact and etc.. After I spent like 2 years being so kind to her only to make her love me, I figured that wasn't really the right way. I was so into her that I forgot all the other girls around me hitting on me.
    So I started being more frank and straight-forward with girls. I put the shyness away. I wanted to know right from the beginning what was going on between us and didn't want to waste time analyzing her behavior to figure it out. So I said words that made every girl I approach show what they really wanted. I got rejected a couple of times but felt so much power being able to do those stuff. I'm way more confident with girls now thanks to that first girl that rejected me. If she asks me now to be only friends I would say 'Yeah, sure.' because I don't have those feelings toward her anymore and now I prefer friendships to relationships until something special happens.
    So this was my experience in short while I skipped most of the details.
    About girls swarming me during my streak I can kinda say yes. Maybe me looking better, standing more straight, having more confidence, working out and other related stuff that were the fruit of no-fapping worked because I was noticed more eyes on me. Girls started approaching me and sometimes hitting on me. It's not just no PMO that causes girls to come, it's the other benefits that come alongside it that make that happen.
    I love your last question and that shows how much of an adult mindset you have. You've kinda figured out what I figured after a longer period. Look, men and women were created to have relationship and keep balance of the universe. I can't say girls are not worth it. Girls are awesome, the thing is that should take responsibility for your actions and don't blame it on girls. I was the one to blame in my relationship in my opinion even if that's not totally true. But having this mindset helps you a lot in life. I don't say don't go around girls cause they're all the same and they're gonna throw you away like garbage. I'm saying learn how to be with girls and don't run away from them. What matters is the BALANCE you must keep in your life. If you're so obsessed with girls that you can't focus on any other thing in your life or if you're so against being with girls is the same to me. There is a third option and that is having them both in balance. I definitely recommend hanging out with girls and having fun and most importantly getting to know them more cause they're so complicated while at the same time I recommend looking for what you love to do with the rest of your life and focusing more on your future cause girls aren't gonna run out but your days will. I found out how much I love programming and now I'm putting my everything into it and it's making me feel good. Try to find your interest and make that your career so that if years later you wake up and wanna go to work, you don't find it difficult. You don't regret wasting all your time and energy on girls.
    And YES that special girl will come at the right time. Any time sooner or later will make your life not what's best for you.
     
  8. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    Omg bro, thank you so much!!!! This post is a blessing and i’m really glad i met you and got to hear your wisdom and insights. It seems we share a lot of similarities. For instance we both were obsessed with height, i actually am doing programming as well, we struggle(d) with the idea of relationships and girls and came to similar conclusions, we both have been on long streaks, felt things work, we’ve both fallen hard, but we both rise.

    Im gonna reread your response to let it sink in a few times.and my mom said it’s best to form friendships with the girl first, without any expectations. From her experience that is the best way

    I thought i would be ready for a relationship after around 60-90 days. but i’m not really close to ready still. The emotional/underlying issues have just made themselves known and i’ve been struggling a lot the last couple of days trying to deal with them without resorting to pmo.

    But i had some really helpful talks with my mom so id recommend calling your mom or close friend (someone who truly knows you) if you are struggling

    I love what you said about balance. i’ve been in one extreme or the other in regards to being obsessed with girls vs being totally against them.

    Finally, you said you love programming, im glad to hear that as not only will you make lot of money but you will have a job doing what you love. I’m still ambivalent and not sure how much i love it.

    Did you develop feelings and come to like programming or did you always like it
     
    selfimprovement8008 likes this.
  9. TheRevenant

    TheRevenant Fapstronaut

    65
    1,769
    113
    Always bro. Thank you, I'm so glad to have met you too. Wow all those similar experiences are really odd in a good and interesting way.
    What your mom has said is invaluable and comes from experience. I always had high expectations which had bad consequences. If we expect the girl we like to do certain things and act in certain ways while she doesn't have feelings towards, it's only gonna be a dagger in the heart. While even if it goes both ways and the both of us expect too much from each other that's gonna ruin the relationship too. That relationship is gonna be more stressful than enjoyable. The opposite of what we want from a relationship.
    I hear you. I also thought I was ready and that things would've gone the way I wanted them to. But I wasn't. Now I know that while couldn't believe this back then. I think life (destiny, god or whatever we want to call it) knows way better than us that what is better for us even if it may seem bad to us. So I guess we just better wait and go with the flow of life until we're ready. And we'll know it then.
    Moms are the best. I also talk with my mom about these stuff too. I also go to a psychologist whom I really like and am really attached to (not that I have feelings toward her only that talks are awesome and make me feel good.)
    I was too until recently which I'm creating that balance.
    Thanks bro for the heart-warming words. Don't worry if you're ambivalent. We change a lot and so will out interests. My interests changed a couple of times until I found programming. Go on this path and don't worry about anything, if you'll see something you're more interested in you can change your path. That's life. Just do what you love not what others say is good.
    The former since I came across it less than a year ago and have made so progress so far. I always thought I couldn't pull it off and that's way beyond my skills and ability. Until I figured it's not. I was only making a big scary unbeatable giant out of it. You may also fall in love with things you never thought you would.
    It's interesting we have all these stuff in common. We can talk more about it later in private.
     
  10. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Temporarily Suspended

    1,009
    1,920
    143
    you got whats called "oneitis".
     

Share This Page