Can't do monk hard mode.My wife needs her needs met.

There are a few reasons why someone would do Monk Mode or Hard Mode. Sounds like you might not be a candidate for these kinds of reboots.

A person who has porn flashbacks, who is not mentally present when having sex with their wives, who want their porn fantasies to come to life in the bedroom, or who objectifies their wives might want to take a break while rebooting. A person who gets an intense chaser effect and wants to look at porn soon after sex might also need a break. A couple who have very strained relations because of the trauma of discovery might want to take a break. A person who feels the need to have sex every night or multiple times a day needs their mind to return to a normal calm state of mind so they would need a break from sex for a while. Single people who's addiction included one night stands, sexting, massage parlors, escorts, etc. also needs a break from all sexual contact because their previous sexual activities were part of the problem.

Having sex while rebooting in a relationship can be healthy. Going through recovery together can bring a couple closer together and that should be expressed through healthy sex. Isn't that part of the goal?! PMO also hijacked our reward system, so using healthy sex can be a motivating reward.

Also, the decision on which mode to do should not be a unilateral one. Denying your spouse sex under the auspices of fixing yourself can lead to bitterness and resentment. Your recovery isn't all about you. It's also about the pain you've caused her. You need to consider what she needs from you. We have the dual responsibility to fix ourselves and fix our relationship. Talk to your wife and see what she feels. If the current decision of going Monk Mode isn't working then it's ok to change the plan.

 

I think @i_wanna_get_better1 responded perfectly. I would just add that, personally, I don't see a problem with having an O with wife if you fit the above criteria.

 

I think that Oing with you wife and thinking about her during sex can help your brain to rewire and get you on the track of focusing on her during sex. I have read that it can take a little longer for the rewiring to occur, but it still can be done. The one thing that you showed concern about is the chaser effect after you have sex. That can be a hard one to overcome sometimes and have caused people to relapse. So be careful of that. One of the things that I have found to help with blue balls is to take a cold shower after sex. Let that cold water run on your testicles and that will take away the pain. You could also try using an ice pack. Another positive thing with not Oing with your wife is that you are teaching your brain that it doesn't need the reward. You can have intimate time and not to expect a reward. When it comes to PMO the brain gets used to the reward at the end and that is damaging to our brains.

My next thought that I have, which more of a question for you. Does your wife know about your PMO addiction? If not, and the choice is yours to make, but maybe you could talk to her about it and see if she would be open to not Oing during sex. If you look at the bottom of my post at my signature there is a link for FANOS. My wife and I have benefited from this and sensations are amplified like you wouldn't believe. During my reboot, we also found out that my wife is addicted to Ming. She abstains from that and you can't believe what a difference that makes as well.

I am not saying this is the concrete answer for you and your spouse. Just something to think about and to see another view. Stay strong!

 

I recommend looking into karezza might be helpful to this situation

 

Stay away from your computer and phone when no one is around for at least a few days, maybe even longer after you have sex. Chaser effect can come even days later.

 

I can see why this would be a concern when rebooting. I'm just starting my reboot and my instinct says not to O for at least 30 days. I do plan to pleasure my girlfriend with no sex and no O and no attention on me. I wonder if anyone has taken this approach and if so, when did they introduce sex and O back into their relationship?

 

Thinking about, being in the moment with, and O'ing with your wife is the epitome of a healthy connection, so YES! Have a good O time with the wife.

 

For me it worked out preety good to just have sex a second time with 20 - 30 minutes in between.

 

WOW, Blumpkin you are going for it big time. I am probably not the right person to chime in but I felt I had to after reading your experience with having blue balls...I didn't think it was humanly possible to do that, bravo sir!

Saying the above, while reading I thought to myself 'poor guy, does he really need to put himself through that much pain when his loving wife is so willing a partner?' As I said I really am no expert and I am new to this. I guess I am on monk mode light, I have stopped watching porn, masturbating but I am doing it to bring intimacy back to my marriage. Yesterday I told my wife what I was up to as I realised that this is all about honesty. I don't want to be dishonest to me or my wife, if something is wrong I will be man enough to confront it head on, that includes telling my wife what is going on.

So I told her, and it all became a bit of a light hearted and amusing conversation, she was a little surprised but almost instantly was flattered by the fact I was making this huge effort to change myself. All those years of hiding and weakness just melted as the truth was out.

Now moving on, I want to have great sex, that's one of the reasons I am giving up porn, because I want to have the real thing, not porn sex, but deep intimate sex, that is the aim of all this, so I am going to share this with my wife. I will not take the mundane anymore, I will not settle for fake sex I am going for the real thing with the woman I love. My wife used to be really hot in bed and I am sure it's been my addiction to porn that has put out the fire. So while most people here might applaud you for overcoming blue balls, hell man, do your wife a favour and make passionate love to her for a change. If you need to re-set the next day don't sweat it, it was for a good cause, you have given your wife what she wants. that's your duty as a man and husband.

Just my thoughts.