Can Women Handle the Details?

This is the norm for the on-line dating/ pick up culture that is prevailing today. I thought you were more concerned about people being responsible, honest and decent with each other. On the one hand you settle for the norm, and on the other you want excellence. Which is it you want? Where are your standards?

 

You are reading/ projecting your own particular experience here into the universal. Most potential partners, in this liberal age of ours, simply don't feel that way. Only if a partner I met had had your experience, then I'd imagine she'd be the one to bring it up, and a conversation would be held. BUT this would be more the exception than the rule.

Do you get it?

 

OK, here's the thing.

'1] Should you confess to viewing pornography in the past' does not refer to your partner first asking whether you have viewed pornography... and you then deciding whether to deny it or not.

What it refers to is you 'out of the blue', bringing it up first, and saying 'oh, by the way, I have viewed pornography before'. That is the nature of confession.

 

Dude I never said that I do that, I don't or that I think it's okay I just said that was what happened in today's dating world. Please stop attacking me personally. If you do not think you need to confess or discuss porn use with a future partner in a serious relationship then don't and deal with whatever consequences come from it. All I and many of the other posters are trying to get across to you is that there is a very high likelihood that your future partner is not going to see this matter the way that you do so it's better to just be honest and upfront. I understand you don't like that answer and it's because you are embarrassed of your porn use and think the person will judge you. But the answer is still the same. However your own moral compass leads you that's your decision to make. But in making it you need to take into consideration that a SO may be hurt, feel lied to or leave you when she finds out and that same SO may not have if you were just upfront and discussed such topics. Maybe as you progress in your recovery you will be able to see this point of view more easily. The point of having input from SO others is so you can see how women who have dealt with these issues view things and that they may view them from an entirely different perspective than you do. If you want to close your ears to that and say my way is the only way then that's fine. But at this point I am done discussing this matter with you and will no longer comment. When you have a legitimate argument you argue it. When you don't you personally attack someone's character because you know you have nothing else. Best of luck to you.

 

If a woman brought it up, I'd have a conversation with her and meet her halfway.

If she didn't bring it up, I certainly wouldn't.

It's very simple.

Good luck~~

 

When I say it may be wrong I mean it also may not be. If refusing to answer a particular question is wrong then you should not respond by lying or not answering. We agree on that.

My consideration in this discussion has been more about when it is actually appropriate to not disclose something, such as gory details. An example unrelated to PMO would be if someone you were dating asked how much money you make. You shouldn't lie. And if it is not proper to reveal then not answering is perfectly acceptable and even right.

Even in marriage the spouse is not entitled to know everything. For instance you should not reveal confidential details of a client to your spouse. I'm not making any particular claims about what a spouse should reveal. And I generally think a spouse should share and be open. That being said I do think some things, mostly details of a certain kind, are better not shared.

 

I don't find all porn use repulsive never said that. But if you are of the opinion that most women don't have any issue with it then why not just be upfront about it? It would be the same as saying I like pizza do you like to eat pizza

All I can say is after reading all the comments by men on here it absolutely astounds me the lengths that you all will go to to justify not disclosing your porn use to a wife or a partner. If there is nothing wrong with what you are doing than why the need to keep it from her? Just tell her! As far as the gory details if you disclose you use porn which you should and she asks for the details tell her. Again if there is nothing wrong with it why the secret? And saying that as part of your job you have to keep certain confidences from your spouse is the same as not telling her that you like to look at naked women on a regular basis and not tell her is ludicrous! It's not even a close comparison! i give up! Keep it from her. Don't tell her you all use porn on a regular basis, refuse to give details if she asks, hide a big part of your life from her. Sit in your rooms alone and play with yourselves while looking at women that you have no chance in heck of every having while a woman that wants you sits in the next room alone. Don't tell her about your porn addiction because it's in the past. And when she finds out tell her that since she never asked you you did not have a duty to disclose. Tell her you did not think she could handle the gory details. Tell her omitting to tell someone something is not a lie. Tell her she should trust you. Tell her not telling about your porn use is the same as keeping client confidences. Go for it. All the excuses in the world are not going to do you a bit of good if your partner feels deceived. If that's a risk you all want to take all I can say is get used to your hand and the computer screen!

 

I think you don't understand the role shame plays in relationships. Does this mean we are 'hypocrites' if we hesitate to 'confess' viewing pornography in the past? Not at all, we are just human, all too human. Generally speaking, just as a person who had viewed porn should not 'strip themselves naked' by unnecessarily, without good reason, talk about this, so too a woman would not need to discuss her past sexual history, if it were less than perfect, unless of course she felt the need to do so.

There is an art to relationships where we have a role to play. If you took a 'realistic' approach to them, where they were absolutely exposed to the cold light of day, many would not survive. Rather, we keep an eye on the ideal and strive towards that.

PS, A lot of the confusion in this thread comes from the failure to keep different situations distinct. When it all gets mixed up, everything then is simplistically painted with the same brush.

 

I told my wife about PMO. I didn't hide it and I'm not advocating others do. I did not go into every single detail. It may be that I'm trying to justify my stance. But it also might be that I honestly don't think it is always best or necessary to disclose certain details. If I understood my therapist correctly he agreed.

There is something wrong with what I was doing. I wouldn't not disclose a detail because I thought what I was doing was good. The reason why I wouldn't disclose some details is not for my own sake but my spouses. Some details may be harmful to them and be of no benefit to know. The detail wouldn't help them and could in fact harm either of you or your relationship.

 

Great post, where you've outlined various circumstances.

I'd add Example 5: the person has happened to view some pornography in the past [the example of the OP]. He or she should not feel obliged to divulge this information. It should be a non-issue... hopefully. This person is not an addict.

 

I understand what you are saying but the only issue I have is that you are making the decision for your spouse that not hearing the details are what's best for her. You don't know that. Usually it's actually what's best for you. So in your case when you said I have a problem with porn I watch it too much I want to be honest with you if your wife asked you how frequently you view it, or what type you watch then you do need to be honest with her. If she does not then I think you should say honey do you want me to tell you all the gory details ? In your case you are trying to rebuild trust. The only way you can do that is show her you are an open book and that you have nothing to hide from her. Deception hurts a lot more than any type of porn you vowed

It seems like you really do care and you want to make this work so I am going to speak specifically to your situation. First if you say to your wife "do you want to know all the details of my porn viewing or my addiction is that something you need ?" And your wife says no that would not be helpful it would be more hurtful and not help in my healing then this conversation is over. She's made clear to you she does not need that. In your situation you say that the details are not necessary that they would hurt her more if you told her and not be helpful and your counselor thinks that and maybe the butcher the baker and the candlestick maker think that's what's best for her too. I digress but I hope you see my point. There is one really important person being left out of the conversation about what's best for her and that's your wife. People are making decisions about what she should and should not know and what is best for her like a parent would for a child who does not have the maturity or ability to decide for themselves. What makes you think you have that right? Do you not think that your wife has the capacity to make these decisions herself? And you may be right maybe it is what is best and maybe she does not care but you also may be wrong. And if you are in a situation where your wife questions your honesty or feels betrayed and you are wrong and she finds out you hid details from her that she feels like she had the right to know them you have just lost all the trust that you rebuilt! That's why it's usually recommended that you are an open book so you show you have nothing to hide you lay it all out there and then your wife says okay he is being totally honest he's offering to tell me whatever I need to hear even though I know it's hard for him to do, wow he really has changed. You have the right to make decisions as far as what is best for you. But you can't make decisions about what you think is best for your wife or your relationship without consulting her. That's not fair to her.

 

Hi honey! what's for dinner tonight? Oh, by the way, I saw a gorgeous woman down-town today in those skin-tight yoga pants. Couldn't help but have a perv.... so how was your day?

 

If you are in a serious relationship and watching porn then you have a pretty big problem that you need to fix. If it is impacting the relationship for whatever reason then you need to mention it when she/he is complaining about the problem you are having.

If you arent in a relationship then sort out the problem before getting into one.

If you have sorted out your PMO issues and are in a new relationship there is no need to mention it unless asked. Even then I wouldnt be getting into the nitty gritty of it.

just my 2cents