Can Women Handle the Details?

Exactly!

 

Thank you. This right here is what I mean and I hope sharing your story proves helpful to others on here that think that it's okay to not tell or omit. As a SO I totally agree.

 

Starting a relationship with lies, deceit, omission, or evasion will not last.

And there you have it.

 

I understand how you personally feel about this, but consider for a moment that you are projecting your own feelings and experiences onto some future scenario that may involve utterly different factors to those you have yourself experienced. And because of this, things can never be black and white, as if there could exist some ideological certainty, and you had a ready made blanket policy at hand, to apply simplistically to all situations. That could be detrimental to possible future relationships, not to mention unhealthy for yourself. What I am saying is not semantics, but practical common sense.

And if I were to 'personalize' it for myself, where I picture myself meeting a partner in a porn-free future, still my 'policy' is unclear. Some questions run through my mind; was I on a par with a non-functioning heroin addict, or was I just a user of pornography that wanted to rid himself of a habit [consider that the mass of people today see nothing wrong with some porn use]; would the woman that I got involved with have had trouble with addicts before; would she mention it, would it benefit her if I mentioned it; would it benefit me if I mentioned it, would it benefit the relationship........

As you can see, there are simply too many variables. And this is life. I'd have to make my decision, the best I could, in the situation I found myself. You simply can not project your personal experience and personal values into some unknowable future situation.... that's what we do when we are anachronistic toward the past.. when we lack imagination.

 

So, would you have both prospective parties to a relationship sit down at a table, and draw up lists of all their previous improprieties? Sexual histories, perversities, drug use, misdemeanors, etc? And then only once having scrutinized them, choose to accept or decline? Like a CV for relationships of sorts. It's ridiculous.

What is missing here is the ability of people to judge someone's character. This inability is often the reason why most get into trouble in relationships in the first place. Or perhaps they rush in due to addictions of their own.

 

But if they are both wrong why do either? And you are banking on the fact that your SO carries the same standard as you do with reference to what comprises lying, chances are they don't. I don't want you to picture justifying this behavior to yourself I want you to picture having this discussion with your SO later down the road and I want you to give her the same answers that you are giving us and how that will go?

 

Well, the point of this thread, if one goes back to the OP, is whether one should 'confess' to a prospective partner whether one had viewed pornography in the past. This is something quite different to whether one should confess to having a history of addiction.

 

You took the words right out of my mouth! Spot on!

 

I have no problem admitting anything. That being said it might be easier for me bc I really have crap to admit to. Maybe I'm delusional and perhaps just want to feel I have a good sense of that person before hopping into a physical relationship with them. And yes, porn usage is a no go. I've never dated any one who consumed it on the regular to my knowledge until now. And I had a GREAT FANTABULOUS FREAKING RUN OF REALLY GOOD GUYS......until this one and it really pisses me the hell off that I got dragged into this crap. How in the hell was that even fair to do that to someone who flat out week 1 tells you this is me and this is what I definitely do not want. It's not it's dirty ,deceitful, and imo low class.

 

I still disagree with that. Addict or not if porn is something you engage in on a regular basis it should be discussed with a potential serious partner. Just like how often do you drink alcohol or do you smoke. Assessing whether you share common moral values is important in assessing a long term partner. So if you like to watch porn once a week and she finds that repulsive and would never tolerate porn use in a relationship you should find that out early on. Five years from now she's still going to find porn repulsive? I think then going forward since so many men think it's acceptable to omit this info then we women should just ask.

 

Right. If porn is a deal breaker for one party then it is just like smoking is a deal breaker for some people.

 

There are actually three different issues/ threads here that are getting confused. And so the need for distinctions:

1] That you should confess to viewing pornography.

2] That you should as a recovering porn addict confess to your addiction.

3] That you should as an ex-addict confess to your previous addiction.

Even within 2] and 3] there would be some diversity of opinion due to varying circumstances. I can not for the life of me imagine why people would argue for 1].

 

No I am not personalizing it at all look around at what the other SO say? And the issue you have is that you don't know if your partner thinks like me. If someone is going to judge you for your past why would you want to be with them? What you are saying is I'm not willing to disclose my past because I think I will be judged and she will look at me differently. Hiding it won't change that. That's what you seem to be missing. She will judge you negatively now or later and later she will also see you as a liar.

 

Bravo. Yes, you can get to know the person and their character if you wait. The desire for sex is the desire for a person. It's those that rush in to relationships... usually from an out of control libido, that get burnt.

 

Well in today's world most people have sex in two weeks! And I agree it should occur before sex the confession. Unless you are waiting for marriage then within a few months.

 

Yes to disclosure of everyone. And while you cannot for the life of you understand why anyone would argue for 1 plenty of others do. And so may your future partner.

 

What for not confessing to seeing a bit of pornography?? You can not be serious.

 

I am. If your potential partner thinks porn use of any kind is repulsive and you like to look at porn everyone once in awhile how do you think that relationship is going to go? Like I said all women need to just start asking that's it.