Can Women Handle the Details?

I actually don't think it's all that complex at all just be honest very simple. If you are asked about your porn use be honest. In fact even if you are not asked bring it up. If you are an addict be upfront. Ask yourself this question if my SO found out about x and I had not told her would she be mad? If the answer is yes tell her. We can argue about this all day but the bottom line is be honest. If you chose not to then you will end up dealing with consequences much more severe than if you had told the truth in the first place!

 

Well you'd be surprised at how life went on a snowball descent into hell for men as far as porn habits went.....15 years means a huge difference in consumption as well as values instilled. Like they say time changes everything and in this case it did. I feel sorry for my younger male friends. Their lives are downright pathetic in comparision to their older counterparts

 

Yes, a lot of women are more liberal and open minded about porn these days, after all everyone is doing it, and yes, they well might mention it to their partners. But the intention/ context here is completely different to someone concerned about porn addiction. The conversation, in this context, depends on the values of the people involved... and whether aware of the dangers of addiction or not.

 

You also need trust, tact, forgiveness, patience, wisdom, and humor... and judgement of character. A desire for absolute honesty, that would ride rough-shod over all else, might just ruin a relationship, or ruin your ability to enter into one. But that is your prerogative... if you have been hurt in the past.

 

A general rule is the deeper the relationship the more details you need to disclose. A spouse is entitled to just about everything. There are some questions that serve no useful purpose, but those are rare. Truth is the coin an addict must pay to restore trust. A brand new relationship requires sharing the basics right up front. Maybe are how long have you been clean, did it involve porn or real people, how long were you addicted, or is there a risk you might relapse. Again, as the relationship deepens the more open you should be about your past, your weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. A girlfriend is entitled to see the real you and not someone you're pretending to be.

This is a very wise decision. No active addicts should start a new relationship until their addiction is under control. However, you might need more than 30 days under your belt. People going through Alcoholics Anonymous are recommended to wait until a year goes by before starting a relationship. Long lasting recovery is based on stability and new relationships are anything but stable (in a good way and bad way).

To answer your original question - yes, most women can handle it. Women are much stronger than what we men give them credit for. Plus, women have the option to end a relationship if they don't like what they hear... that doesn't mean they can't handle the truth... it means they have exercised their right to not date a former addict. If what we tell our SO's hurts them it's not the WORDS that hurt them, it's our ACTIONS that hurt them. There are instances where disclosing unnecessary details can permanently harm our SO, but let's not exaggerate how often this happens or use it as an excuse to hide our secrets.

 

Just be honest. If you are not sure whether you should tell tell. This applies to every situation. If your partner finds out you lied to them or kept something from them you can argue and try to justify until you are blue in the face it's not going to matter. I think everyone's values involve honesty and openness with a partner. And if you feel like you can't be honest or need to keep something from the one you love you need to reevaluate your behavior. Maybe I just value honesty more that others not sure. But you will not pull me to your side so we will just need to agree to disagree .

 

I'm not advocating dishonesty. There is a difference between not revealing something and lying. I'm still not convinced that revealing certain details is helpful. I think broadly revealing your mistakes is generally good. When details should not be revealed is a subjective decision based on the individuals, the relationship, and the particular offense.

 

That's where we disagree an omission is a lie in my book. I do not believe there is any difference between not revealing something and lying. If you know that if you revealed something to someone they would get upset and you chose not to that's a lie by omission. Good luck arguing your way of that one. Well honey you did not specifically ask me if I did X so it was not a lie. That's like saying honey you never asked me if I was cheating on you, I just omitted to tell you so it's not a lie and if your partner values honesty good luck getting out of it by saying a lie of omission is not really a lie.

 

I think there is a huge difference between not revealing something and lying. That isn't to say that when we have an obligation to reveal something that not doing so isn't a serious issue. By not revealing I don't necessarily mean circumlocutions. In not revealing you can be very honest and forthright about it. You can say, 'I am not going to tell you'. That is better than a lie. It may still be wrong but it is better.

 

Aw the old lying by omission debate. You shouldn't have to develop an interrogative line of questioning for the people you love nor should they expect you to. Jmho.

 

All of this is commendable, but here is the reality.

1] For the previous user of porn, for the majority. When you are dating/ meeting someone, you are going to put your best foot forward for the obvious reason of attracting someone. And when is someone supposed to 'confess all their faults' to their partner... once they are deep into the relationship? Or just on the foothills? But then your partner may resent you for not having been 'honest' at the start. 'Confess' first, before getting entangled in the relationship, and you will probably scare them away. You are on the horns of a dilemma here, unless you do not feel the 'need' to confess all your faults. This 'need' goes back to the cult of sincerity in my opinion. The reality though is that it is in clothing ourselves, and focusing on, our better self by which we make progress in all the spheres of life.

2] For the addict, for the minority, but for the many here. They should avoid dating/ relationships until they are... 'normalized'.

 

This is absurd. No-one will, or should, reveal all the imperfections of their character when faced with a prospective partner.

And the addict should not even be looking for a partner.

It is actually very simple when you keep the above in mind.

 

OK, so I think this is where we are getting the 'wires crossed'. My position is an addict simply shouldn't be looking to get involved in a relationship until they have sorted themselves out. Only then will they be capable of a proper relationship.

 

Yes, and neither should you feel the need to confess all your faults, warts and all, or all past situations/ failures/ shortcomings that your partner may simply NOT want to hear. There may be a time and place for it, and there may not. Only the two people involved in a personal relationship would know if it were appropriate..

Be wary of developing a Nofap mindset/ worldview. Normalcy is the goal.

 

Not absurd at all. It's called being confident enough to own your flaws and your past whatever that may be. Anything less is cowardly.

 

I don't know what a NoFap mindset is. But you say only the two people in the relationship can decide, but how does one partner know what the other thinks is important if they don't tell them? The SO can't decide that they don't want to know about past porn use, current porn use unless the subject is brought up. So if you as the man are making the decision that you don't think discussing your porn use with her is important or your past or current addiction are, that's a one sided decision. You don't know that she does not think it's important. Why not just bring it up?

 

I think that's absolutely fine to say. If she does not ask anymore questions then don't reveal more. But you have made the topic out in the open which is good. But if she does ask you need to answer her honestly. If you say no I'm. It telling you or no I don't think you need to know that then you can kiss that relationship goodbye. And if you lie and it comes out later you can kiss it goodbye too because now not only are you doing something or have done someone your partner does not like but you are also a liar in her eyes.

 

Look, I'll tell my story and draw whatever lessons you want from it. While we were dating, my wife asked me if I looked at porn. I lied and said no. I concealed my addiction our entire courtship. After we got married my wife could tell something was off and continually probed me for answers but I continued to lie. We went to marriage counseling and I lied to the counselor. I started seeing a therapist on my own and he encouraged me to tell my wife... but I continued to lie. Finally, 5 years into my marriage I confessed my secret... and she took it well!

Unfortunately I didn't change and sunk back into addiction for another 12 years. This is when the resentment really started to build. She felt like I was not the same person she dated. While we were dating she asked the right questions and made life decisions based on the lies I gave her. She felt trapped in a marriage she couldn't escape.

I cannot give an answer as to what to tell or how much to tell. That is why I started my answer with a principle - "A general rule is the deeper the relationship the more details you need to disclose." People can apply it however it fits to their circumstances. Starting a relationship with lies, deceit, omission, or evasion will not last... even if it's information about your past. If you are just looking to hook-up then don't tell her anything, but if you are courting then you can't keep this hidden for very long. I think a majority of wives here will agree that the lies and deceit are more harmful than the porn itself... and the truth WILL eventually come out.

 

I agree with you that an addict should not get into any relationship until they are fully off porn but where we disagree is that I think that a former addict or one not using still must tell the SO about that issue in their past just like a heroin addict should. And you can argue semantics or how you think you have moral ground to stand on with me or people on here but I want you to picture arguing that with your partner who finds out that you did not tell her about your past addiction and she thinks you should have. She sees you in a total different light and feels like you did not respect her enough to tell her this. Do you really think that saying well it is was in my past, well you did not ask, well an ommision is not a lie is going to fly with her? I mean really do you honestly believe that? A future partner needs to know you used to be an addict because maybe she does not want to date a former addict? That's why it's important.