Can Women Handle the Details?

If you want the best chance of saving your relationship [and yourself], do not confess [confess to a priest if you must] and get yourself right.

Once the cat is out of the bag, they will demand all the juicy details.

 

Gotta disagree with you again on this Buzz Light Year. Dishonesty is a very very bad idea. I'm a SO. What I think you all don't realize is we will eventually find out and when we do we will likely end the relationship with you because of the dishonesty. So if a man keeps it to himself all it will do is prolong a relationship that will never last and cause everyone more hurt. The original question is if you confess porn use should you give her the gory details yes if she asks you for them you must. But that answer applies to a long term relationship where you have been lying and she finds out or you decide to confess. If she wants to know you must tell her everything you must be an open book or you will have no chance in heck of saving the relationship. If she does not ask what type you view or anything further than no I don't think you need to tell the details. But if she asks and you refuse or lie then that's a relationship killer. You are continuing to hide things from her. And she will make things up in her head to answer the questions that you won't and that is often much worse than knowing. As far as a new relationship if it effects your ability to perform in bed then yes I think you must disclose immediately after your first sexual encounter. If it does not then I would say within the first two months of dating you need to say that you used to have a problem with it and you got help but you thought she should know your past and that you are in recovery. As I said in another post disclose it within the same time frame as you would a past heroin addiction. This protects you too. If she's not willing to deal with dating a man who had a prior PMO addiction then you know that right away and things can end. There is a chance of relapse and many women don't want to be exposed to that or many women may find porn use in general a turn off. You need to know where she stands. If you tell her and she appreciates that and is understanding then that's great because she chose you as you are. Your past is part of who you are. You gave her that decision you did not make it for her. If instead you don't tell her and a year in you relapse and she finds out you previously had the issue and did not tell her she will leave you then after both of you have invested a lot more because this is something she would have never tolerated to begin with or if she stays she will resent you for the rest of her life because you took away that choice. You pulled a bait and switch and you hid a very important detail from her. That is not fair and very selfish. Developing an intimate relationship relies on trust and disclosure and if you don't show your full self or pretend to be something you are not it WILL never work an it will cause a lot of pain. A past addiction is something that requires disclosure even if she does not ask. I think lots of addicts think oh I'm recovered I will never relapse and she will never know about my past. But chances are high that you may just read around the forums and she will find out. It is not a good idea. You may get the girl in the short term but in the long term you will lose her. No one wants to be lied to. And if you think you will wow her so much by that point when she does find out that she won't care, that she's already in love with you or you have kids you are wrong. Even if she stays she will hate you for it and your lives will not be happy. Don't do that to yourself or her.

 

Why does it seem so damn hard for ppl to be clear ,honest, and transparent with one another if a relationship is your goal? ?!!?? One night stands etc etc, no but if you are trying to actively be in a relationship why not just be honest?? So they don't like it, they'll leave. Trust that for every person who has an issue with something there is probably another who doesn't.

 

I agree with you. If they don't ask don't offer because some want to know and others dont. But if you are asked and you refuse or lie that's not a good idea.

 

I've felt that anger believe me but that's a tough one for the guy because if you ask he thinks you want to know . If someone asked me I would think they wanted an answer?

 

I don't know but it's very frustrating .

 

Sadly I don't mind when he comes at me with the m4m or trans porn stuff bc well even on my best day I can't ummmm hang with that on an equipment basis . But that being said i want to choke him out when he's telling me not to wear make up bc I don't need it.....wtf did I miss the au natural women porn clips....no no i think not. But that being said I don't get hung up on it a whole lot bc I work and worked in male dominated professions and I haven't seen much most men won't check out at one time or another

 

Yes, this is what I'm saying. Ideally, if they are asked, men should give up the information. But in reality, many men will just be too ashamed to admit this [and, then again, many women would be too modest to ask it]. Saying what we ought to do, is one thing; saying what many people actually do is quite another. A woman, who is neither naive or permissive about such matters, can always cunningly find out in other ways.

 

Yes, this is the ideal. But sadly we are dealing with human nature which often falls well short of the mark. Indeed, the norm for our culture has become one of selfishness, dishonesty, deception, pleasure-seeking etc, etc, etc. If you want a quality relationship, you have to be super selective today, and take the time to see through the façade people put up. We are talking about morality here, which more often than not, is a very practical thing.

 

I think what needs to be stressed is that the lying or withholding usually hurts a lot more than the watching. Definitely if she asks for the gory details you need to give them. If she does not I think it's fine to confess and leave it. My point being that lies piling on top of lies makes it worse. Certainly there is what people sc

Your original post recommend that you not confess at all because then they will ask all the gory details if you have any chance of saving the relationship. That to me reads that you are encouraging addicts not to tell their SO at all about their pmo addiction because then they will ask for the gory details and based on the comments I think that's how others read it as well. In my opinion that's just bad advice no offense. Based on some or your other posts it seems pretty clear that you are on the side of the fence that believes this should be hidden from the SO or that if that's done in practice it's okay. It's not okay because it's lying. A relationship built on lies will not succeed. The majority of SO are not going to ask potential partners if they are PMO addicts because they have never heard of such a thing! They may ask about porn use which is usually where the lying starts. But omitting to tell someone something as serious as an addiction that impacts the SO is lying and almost every SO is hurt more by the dishonesty or secrecy than they are by the porn use. So the saying goes hurt me with the truth but don't comfort me with a lie. And sure we may find out through our "cunning ways" eventually on our own but who wants to live like a detective in their relationship where it's supposed to be a safe place? As far as gory details we agree only if she asks but th problem must be revealed. It may be true that many PMO addicts lack the courage to be honest with their SO but they should be encouraged to try to be and not that it's okay if they are not. Honesty and ridding oneself of secrecy must be done to fully overcome the addiction.

 

In the original post by @Surfing Poet, to which I replied, no mention was made of addicts:

Perhaps your personal experience with an addict, terrible though it have been, is coloring all your thoughts here. There is only mention of men viewing porn. This may involve up to 70-80% of the male population. Near all women today will assume that near all men have seen porn before.

Cases involving addicts, recovering addicts, and recovered/ ex-addicts are quite different things. And even then, each particular case would have to be discussed on its own terms. And even then, you'd have to distinguish between different perspectives, ideals and pragmatics. There are just too many moving parts to discuss this in the abstract; there are way too many variables to generalize. But this is beside the point considering the first post above.

 

1] Two situations are conflated here. So first the majority of women are not going to ask if their partners are PMO addicts... because they have never encountered this problem before. And I agree.

2] But would they simply then just ask about porn use? Probably not if they have never encountered a problem with a PMO addict before. It's really only women who have been exposed to relationships damaged by porn use that may have their defenses up here.... and rightly so.

Most women [those yet ignorant of the destructive nature of porn addiction] would assume men had viewed porn, and would most likely NOT want to draw attention to it unless circumstances [of addiction] demanded them doing so. And likewise, most men will NOT feel a need to 'confess' his viewing porn in the past [though a recovering addict might]. The interests of both partners is to, first and foremost, build a relationship.

 

'In a relationship' is very vague. There is a huge difference between what you should tell a girl you've been dating, a fiancé, or a spouse.

Even with a spouse I don't think that all the gory details is helpful. It isn't a question of whether the spouse can 'handle' the details. It's a question of what purpose it serves. Does it help the individuals or the relationship?

Consider another topic. Would a husband want to hear intimate details about the sex acts his wife engaged in with other men before they were married? Probably not. He may well ought to know, indeed should, that his partner isn't a virgin. But the specifics, at least at some level of detail, aren't going to necessarily be helpful.

 

Ahhhhh freaking men!!!!!

 

If you are building a relationship you need a foundation of complete honesty. If you're just pitching a tent then so be it, omit, lie, whatever.
You got me thinking.....I would drill everyone I dated about porn use before getting serious. I also invaded personal spaces looking for gaps in their stories . I got lucky a lot of guys were great, some never viewed porn, some admitted to it as teens, some never as never masturbated on a basis that exceeded once a month. One guy said masturbation never felt right to him as a kid so it wasn't even something he got in to.....all of this led me down to why did I evendors question porn activity.
The I remembered being about 8 and using my older sisters bathroom and there was a stack of penthouse mags...her husbands....I flipped through them and felt disgusted even at a young age bc I literally could not fathom she allowed this from a guy I already was creeped out by at age 8. He was way too damn touchy even to me as a kid. I trotted out of the bathroom magazine in hand and asked my sister wth? She then says oh hehe boys will be boys....even as a kid I was like not my f-ing boys that's disgusting......and here I am today :/

 

Total different scenario when you are speaking about events prior to marriage versus things that happened after marriage. I am not asking if you ever previously viewed porn before you met me and to tell me the details. I am asking if you are viewing it now in our marriage or relationship. You are comparing apples to oranges. The correct comparison is a man asking for the gory details about the sex that she had with another man DURING their marriage and yes of course if he wants to know that he is entitled to. In fact most counselors would recommend she tell him whatever details are asked of her to restablish trust. If you are an addict former or current you do owe a duty to tell your partner about your addiction whatever it is or was too. Certainly to your fiancée or wife! If a woman asks about your porn use before you met just be honest addict or not. Why? Because if she freaks out that you look at porn even though you are not an addict then she's not the one for you. If you lie to her and say oh no honey I never looked at it ever and five years in she finds out you've been viewing it everyday for the last five years then you are a liar and she questions everything that you ever did. Would it not have been easier if you just told the truth early on ? I guess I don't get the complex nature of this issue it's very simply just be honest. And in cases where the partner has been lied to about porn use addict or not it's the partner that answers the question what is best for the relationship not the person that lied about it? not all women care about whether their men view porn. In all of mt prior serious relationships I had zero issues with it. So about 8 relationships where I asked or they brought it up and it was no problem! The problem with my current partner is when the subject came up he lied. And he could not perform in bed because of his PMO and continued to lie. Again the dishonesty is the problem addict or not. Here's what you all are missing if you like to view a particular type of porn or you have sort of fetish so long as it's not an addiction would you not want to share that with your life partner early on? Then you find out she's not into that and guess what that means you are not compatible. When you have said fetish or regular use of porn and don't tell her you are keeping part of your sexuality separate from your life partner when you should be sharing it all with them. Guess what happens then you cheat to fulfill the need or you get addicted to porn because you forced a relationship where you are not compatible! When you could have found someone you are compatible with. The assumption is that all women find porn use disgusting so we should lie when that's just not true.

 

I always asked my past partners and I knew nothing about addiction to porn then. It was not to shame them at all it was to explore what they liked.