Can he really quit on his own?

I have been ramping up efforts to stop this since August 2016. It's now May 2017 and I still can't go 5-6 days hard mode without falling apart. So far, pure resolve has not helped me. But you cannot help him if he doesn't help himself. If he isn't aware of the scale of this enemy, and if he does not even care at all, (like you described), failure is absolute. It will be a long and gruelling journey. He must defeat himself, the strongest enemy in His World. Trying to quit with just resolve will not help. But you need that resolve in the first place to even fight. He should put a plan in place, like I'm planning to do. If he feels any urges, get outside and take a walk. Or work out. It gets harder the further you go. The brain gets so desperate for dopamine and justifies every possible means to access porn, so that's why many fail. The only one who can fight this enemy is him. But, you could help him keep his mind off it.

 

If you mean, "on their own" as in without any help from anyone else, then I would say it is almost impossible. I don't know of any cases of anyone giving up an addiction without help. Look at AA for alcoholics, and the sister groups for other addictions, or family, friends, and so on. Even this forum is a way for ppl to get help from others.

But also, you have to be careful in pushing him to seek help, because he could rebel, become angry because he does not feel it is an addiction (which is what it sounds like right now - if he realized it was an addiction he would be taking it much more seriously).

 

Dealing with an addictive behaviour without outside support and accountability is a rarely achievable goal, however with proper support and an accountability partner (someone who has been through the same stuff) then it is very achievable, but the person must do it out of their own free will, they can be gently encouraged but often addiction has to reach its full conclusion sadly resulting in rock bottom moments. I've been free from porn for over 2 years, I was also a cocaine addict and a daily cannabis user which I'm also sober from for over 2 years. My porn addiction started when I was 14, got involved in narcotics at 25, after 11 years of porn addiction I moved on to more extreme content and for the last 2-3 years of my addiction I knew I wanted to stop, I even sought out counselling and for all intent and purposes I had convinced myself for 2 years that I was 'quitting drugs and porn' and I was desperate to put an end to it. I kept it very secret from my friends and family, thought I could basically do it on my own...I couldn't and I ended up being arrested because of the stuff I progressed onto, it was only after the arrest I realised that my life would never be the same again, but I did choose to get proper help with a 12 step program and in combatting my drug addiction I also dealt with the porn at the same time because the steps work in the same way whether it's porn, drugs, sex whatever. you said

I knew the dangers of cocaine, cannabis, and knew what would happen if I was caught looking at what I looked at, yet that knowledge alone did very little for me because the addiction doesn't listen to reason, logic or sanity. I had to completely change my outlook on life physically, mentally and spiritually and it took months of hard work, lots of soul searching, crying, letting out locked up emotions, sitting in rooms with other addicts, watching newcommers fall to pieces in front of my eyes as they entered the room of recovering addicts for the first time. It takes a hell of a lot to overcome but it is achievable and I still have to maintain my sobriety on a daily basis. You have to ask yourself how far are you willing to go with him? and maybe ask him the question 'how bad is it going to have to get before you really stop' and do you want to be there and will you be capable of supporting him in his most darkest times? talk is cheap at the end of the day, it's action that gets results.

 

He is very fortunate to have a partner. Many of us are doing this in hard/ monk mode. If it can be done there, I am sure that it can be done in the context of a relationship. Of course, others in relationships will give you better advice than I could. I guess I just tend toward seeing it terms of 'the grass is greener on the other side'. Sometimes I think this would be sooooo easy if I only I was in a relationship.

I'd say [now that you know, are not pleased, and think it may be ruining your relationship] give him a six month ultimatum. Ask him to be honest with you, and share his browsing history. This should help him if he really wants to quit. He should be, and is lucky enough, to be directing his sexual energy toward you... not into the abyss of porn.

 

How do you know he has given it up? Maybe he is still using PMO and hiding it. The explanations you have given sound a bit convenient. Not having withdrawals, not taking traditional steps toward the recovery (which makes one wonder if he is truly taking it seriously), seemingly getting defensive. Why didn't it go down well when you suggested to see a therapist? Shouldn't he be open and communicative with you, and be able to explain why it isn't necessary without being defensive? Does it seem to you that he is in a personal fight every moment, or was that just to appease you?

 

Hi I'm a SO of an addict with PIED. I do think that some people can stop cold turkey with no help just like some people can quit smoking cold turkey or drug addicts etc, but these people are the exception not the rule. I think with PMO if you are dealing with someone that repeatedly has tried to quit they may have an easier time or an addict with a partner that gives a final ultimatum or a man who can no longer perform in bed. Everyone has their own rock bottom. Also people have varying degrees of addiction. Some watch for hours daily, they miss work they withdraw, they spend money. Others only watch a few times a week and everyone else falls somewhere in between. That's not to say the person who views a few times a week is not an addict many if not most are. But the less they use the easier it could be to taper off. In my situation my partner had severe PIDE and he was never able to O from me, from the day we met until about a year in. He however was not willing to accept that PMO was causing his issues so he just kept on doing it and lying. What was his rock bottom? Two things first he finally had an O from me after a three week period away from PMO while we were on vacation and a light bulb went on. Second I caught him lying and lost my mind. I am really easy going he never saw me like that before and it was then he realized the pain he caused and his words were I realized it's bad for us and I don't want it anymore. He did seek counseling but not until I caught him lying. I asked him to before. But to his credit he took the initiative and continues to go. He put up blockers he tells me daily he does not PMO and we talk openly about any urges he may have. But he too did not have a ton of urges. But he did have other symptoms. Lots of anger, changes in mood, and he did flatline meaning had a period of no drive. How do I know he does not PMO? Our sex life has totally changed and the PIDE is gone. So you can't verify of course but you can ask him. It's possible as well that he did have urges and it was a lot tougher than you know because he felt too ashamed to tell you. The only thing I can suggest is that you open the lines of communication and ask him these questions until you get the answers you need to have. As hard as it is you just have to trust what he's saying. Tell him what you need and ask him if he's still using. See what he says and does. Best of luck!

 

Dedelph,

I am in your boat with you. My SO was caught almost two years ago. The first few months he did everything right. Went to therapy, 12 step meetings and we saw a marital therapist. Now, maybe one meeting a month and that's if it happens at all. He told me that the fear of losing everything is what helps him. It wasn't until I read all of these replies to what you posted that I realize that my biggest fear is true. It's just not possible. I should know, I researched so much for so long, I could probably be an expert on this. I know how it re-wires the brain and all of the other great stuff. Yet, I believed him. He is away on a business trip as I type this. I have forgiven so many discretions, lies and betrayal. I love this man. I have given up so much. I have a child with him that I know would be ruined if I left. I have been supportive. At the end of the day though, I can't make him want to be sober. I can forgive the past, but, only if he is committed to ensuring what happened in the past doesn't happen again. I don't think that is too much to ask. I would walk this difficult journey to healing, but, not if my SO isn't committed to it just as much as I am.

 

No. I'm saying that I/we will never really know. My SO has a program on his phone so that I can watch what he accesses. I just fear that where there is a will, there is a way. Mine swears he isn't using at all. Claims the fear of losing everything was enough and has supposedly stopped completely. I hope and pray he is telling the truth. I guess the nature of addiction is what makes me so skeptical.

 

For me personally at 30ish days into this process I feel different and I act differently. My wife has noticed and commented on the change. Do you see a different duse just in everyday interaction or the same dude? If its a different dude then maybe things are just going well and thats great. If its the same dude maybe not.

I am pretty new at this and only speaking from my own experience so take with a grain of salt.

 

I do believe he acts a lot different. I just fear that it was hidden so well for over 10 years, that I don't trust my own ability to read whether or not there is anything to be worried about again. Thank you for your perspective. It means much more to hear from someone who lives and breathes it. Congrats on 30 days! Keep up the awesome job!

 

We started out just as you did. I didn't want to monitor and have to be his "parent". There were times when I would question something and he kept offering to put this app on his phone that only I could control and I reluctantly agreed. I never check it and have only once had an issue where it suggested I review content. Only to find out it was nothing that was viewed, but, nonetheless it got flagged. I am thinking of removing it because I don't think anything is happening. I truly believe that it's just me being anxious. The marriage therapist helped with a lot. Unfortunately, I have been very hurt in the past and when I married my Spouse, it took a lot for me to learn to trust again. Once that trust was broken, I honestly just fear that I am the one who is now broken. I have no reason to believe my SO is doing anything, except that he seems to be completely fine and not dependent on meetings and therapists. What my takeaway has been from your post alone and the several replies is that I either need to grant the trust and put myself out there one last time or move on. This man is a wonderful man. Especially now that his issues are no longer hidden, there is a calmness about him that I have never seen before. In addition, when I express my needs, he reacts. This was something missing prior as well. So, I guess I am going to give one last shot and trust with all that I have got. It's just so hard to quiet that inner voice of "what if" after being hurt the way I have. But, on the other hand, life is short and I may as well be happy.

 

A deteriorating relationship with a spouse forms a vicious cycle where you are driven apart we use porn and that drives the wedge further. I find that an improving relationship and removing porn is a virtuous cycle. Same idea but getting closer instead of further away.

Hoping for success for all.