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Can’t O with BF unless I think of P.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PureProphecy, Jul 25, 2018.

  1. PureProphecy

    PureProphecy Fapstronaut

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    So it’s been a little over a year since I started my journey on here and I’m now realizing I still have work to do sadly. I have been in a relationship with an amazing guy since January. I have been honest with him about my past addiction to PMO and he has been nothing short of understanding. I have only relapsed once during our relationship in February. Since then I have not PMO'd and I was pretty proud of it until I realized that when my bf and I got intimate I had to think about P or something kinky to reach O. I didn't think much of it and thought it was just part of letting go of P so I continued to do it until last night when I felt guilty and awful about it. I confessed to him and he felt sad and discouraged. It's painful to see the person you love and care about hurt over your addiction. I would absolutely love some advice or recommendations to not need to think of P and just be in the moment with him to reach O.
     
  2. Hi @PureProphecy,

    Get it more practice and time. As a PA and SA, I also identify as a fantasy addict. That is the hardest part to kick in my experience. I really haven't kicked it completely to be honest. I just practice and get better over time. It is one thing to stop a behavior. It is another thing to stop a train of thought. The best approach I have found is to replace it with positive behavior which gradually leave less and less room for the fantasy. For example, I try to do some spiritual reading at night before bed. I used to go into fantasy every night before falling asleep. Rather than trying to stop that, I just tried to develop a healthy habit in its place. Gradually over time, the fantasy urge has been edged out.

    Regarding the need to fantasize during sex, first thing to do is forget about the O. You can come back to that later. Just focus on your partner, your own experience, and your experience together. Since you have confessed to your bf about this, you two can work together. Every time you start to go into fantasy, stop and say to your bf you need to cool off for a minute or two. Stop the physical and talk to your partner. Tell them what is happening and that you love them. If you _both_ can do this without judgement, you'll get through it. Focus on being present in the moment. Make that the goal of sex, not the O.

    It's ok to feel guilty and awful about it for a little while, but then let it go. When I was in a couples counseling, I remember something came up that I felt that way about and the therapist said "that's fine, now can you take that and put it aside for a while so you can be present?"

    I hope this helps.
    Peace to you,
    -Quinn
     
  3. This too is a huge problem for me, and it's one of the reasons why sex with my wife can often be a trigger to PMO. The problem isn't the intimacy, but rather the fantasy I allow myself to indulge in while with her so I can reach the O quickly. The fantasy is what lingers with me, regardless of whatever satisfaction or relief I get. I've struggled to do as @TheMightyQuinn suggested and to focus mainly on my wife and on our experience together (which is the best advice me or anyone else can give you), but the only success I've had is to stop making our time together mission oriented (as in I need to O), and simply know when to stop when fantasy threatens.

    Congratulations on your recovery from PMO. 169 days is phenomenal, and it's of huge value that you can be open with your SO about this.
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 and PureProphecy like this.
  4. PureProphecy

    PureProphecy Fapstronaut

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    @TheMightyQuinn

    I personally am not too concerned about reaching O but my SO is because he wants to know that he can satisfy me I suppose. I thank you for your time while responding to my post. I will take your words and tell him to see how we can work around this. Hope your recovery is going well.
     
  5. PureProphecy

    PureProphecy Fapstronaut

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    @daemonwithin

    Thanks for the congrats and also sharing you experience with a similar battle. It can be tough expressing all this to a SO because sometimes they just don’t get it. Even though I have explained my situation to my BF I think he still thinks he isn’t doing something right. I am going to take both you and Quinn’s advice and just focus on the moment and not worry about O.
    Hoping your recovery is going well. Best of luck.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. Oh ok, in that case just help him understand that your O is not his gauge for success but it's up to him to ultimately adapt his view in that regard.

    And, btw, enjoy the journey, it can be actually be quite fun :)

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
    PureProphecy likes this.

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