Cake; after the crisis

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by 0111zerozero11, Jan 23, 2019.

  1. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Something/things bother me quite a bit on this site. Maybe it's because I'm clear headed now; out of the fog of addiction/deception/betrayal/etc.

    I see these women, married or in committed relationships, as a past version of me. Confused, angry, & can't separate reality from fiction. They say the things I used to think. Why doesn't he care? Why isn't he trying? Why am I the bad guy? He won't listen to me. He blames me. He just gaslit my ass into oblivion, but I'm going to lick his wounds.

    To this day, I don't know what did it for me. After he was caught, there were about 3 "good" weeks of "ok" effort on his part. Then, just an absolute nosedive.
    Was it because I started pressing about seeing a therapist? Was it because he was on here, reading my honesty in my feelings as my life spiraled out of control? Did he know I was starting to really put the pieces of the puzzle together? Did he get a glimpse of the girl he married? The one that was a unique, free spirit, empathetic, kind, humorous, & deeply sure of her worth....except, this girl he now saw had a backbone he apparently was unaware of & she was not afraid of speaking openly about her journey. Did he know how much more I'd find & took the little boy way out? Who knows....

    Point is, I just want to shake some of these women. I want to tell them there is a really big world out there, with amazing people & opportunities...they don't need to kill their souls for someone that just does not have an ounce of empathy in their body. Those aren't the good guys trying...those are the unfortunate men we've unfortunately signed up to be with.

    Don't sell your souls to the devil just because yay, you! They say wait a year for a major decision, so just sit there & continue spiraling into wtf is happening to you land...I just know he'll wake up & realize what he's doing.

    You have 1 life. Just 1. You are completely in control of that 1 life.

    Don't be a doormat. You are here for a reason & it is not to be the savior of a human who doesn't want saving. Go...be free & happy. Someone will love you for you & not ever want to see you hurt. I promise you that.
     
  2. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Lyrics might trigger the weak. That's what's great about this being My Journal.
    It's about my healing & things that help. All mine.

     
  3. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the reminder. One of the by-products of this experience is that after all the unfair comparisons, all the gaslighting, all the deception, the death-by-a-thousand-cuts of endless disclosures, one can begin to believe that one is utterly unlovable and irrevocably damaged.
     
  4. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    It's a lie....
    You are totally loveable & not at all damaged.
    You know this, deep down somewhere...
    Go find your self worth & let him find his. I guarantee when you find yours, things will change for you. You will see things differently. You will have a firm grasp on what you will & won't accept.

    You are in control; don't forget that ;)

    Best wishes
     
  5. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    I love this post for a number of reasons. I know you wrote it to help inspire others, but I can't help but grin at the reminder that you are telling yourself with it. Fuck yeah Cake!

    For about the first 6 months on was on this site, I didn't hold much empathy for the SOs. Every journal I read I kind of scratched my head and thought, "Wtf? Why not just leave this sad sack of shit?" It began to occur to me that many times (certainly not ALL times) the SO has her own issues that she brought into the relationship. Issues of trauma or self-worth or any number of things. And I realized that it's likely just as hard for the SO to leave the relationship as it is for the PA to leave PMO behind. It's not just a one-time decision and everything is fixed. It's a couple ENORMOUS decisions and another million medium and little ones. It takes real healing on the part of the SO to get away from the toxicity.

    I don't know any of the answers for anyone. I'm just am extremely grateful you were able to wiggle free and begin a new direction and chapter.

    Nah, that girl you were 10 years ago got blindsided and gut-punched. Find the girl you are now. The one who's learned a thing or two. The one full of experience and wisdom. Be her. She rocks!
     
  6. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Framing this & putting next to my bed.

    I want my nickel back for making me cry. *see what I did there? Lololol

    Hearing that you are doing a really awesome job with your healing & just overall crappy situations makes the journey so worth it.

    I can finally say & believe that: I'm proud of myself. Nothing will ever hold me down again because I'm worth more than that. I am a human & I choose my path. It will not be chosen for me.
     
  7. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I was reading Slim Aarons and I got to thinking that I thought
    Maybe I'd get less stressed if I was tested less like
    All of these debutantes
    Smiling for miles in pink dresses and high heels on white yachts
    But I'm not, baby, I'm not
    No, I'm not, that, I'm not
    I've been tearing around in my fucking nightgown
    24/7 Sylvia Plath
    Writing in blood on the walls
    'Cause the ink in my pen don't work in my notepad
    Don't ask if I'm happy, you know that I'm not
    But at best, I can say I'm not sad
    'Cause hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have
    Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have
    I had fifteen-year dances
    Church basement romances, yeah, I've cried
    Spilling my guts with the Bowery bums
    Is the only love I've ever known
    Except for the stage, which I also call home, when I'm not
    Servin' up God in a burnt coffee pot for the Triad
    Hello, it's the most famous woman you know on the iPad
    Calling from beyond the grave, I just wanna say, "Hi, Dad"
    I've been tearing up town in my fucking white gown
    Like a goddamn near sociopath
    Shaking my ass is the only thing that's
    Got this black narcissist off my back
    She couldn't care less, and I never cared more
    So there's no more to say about that
    Except hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have
    Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman with my past
    There's a new revolution, a loud evolution that I saw
    Born of confusion and quiet collusion of which mostly I've known
    A modern day woman with a weak constitution, 'cause I've got
    Monsters still under my bed that I could never fight off
    A gatekeeper carelessly dropping the keys on my nights off
    I've been tearing around in my fucking nightgown
    24/7 Sylvia Plath
    Writing in blood on your walls
    'Cause the ink in my pen don't look good in my pad
    They write that I'm happy, they know that I'm not
    But at best, you can see I'm not sad
    But hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have
    Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have
    Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have
    But I have it
    Yeah, I have it
    Yeah, I have it
    I have
     
  8. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    When one is in a committed relationship there are usually "rules" each partner abides by. These can be spoken or unspoken rules that are mostly in place as not to hurt or disrespect the other person. Common decency, you know? When these rules are broken unbeknownst to you, you experience a level of disbelief you never knew existed. How does one intentionally deceive someone they've vowed to spend their life with & the mother of their children? My God, did I feel like I (& the children) were nothing more than discarded trash.

    The shock & disbelief hit first & I became this weird sort of Stepford wife. I was on autopilot; numb & trying to make sense of things while still doing my "wifely duties". Disattached is an understatement. I genuinely supported my husbands recovery until I realized that per usual, I was doing all of the leg work for his mess.

    I was becoming more and more aware that my mind, body, & spirit were being broken down & if I didn't stop it, I would possibly be irrevocably broken for good.

    The stress & destruction I was experiencing physically affected me. I was losing so much weight, my muscles were sore all of the time, fatigue settled in until it turned into pure exhaustion, & so much more. I wasn't praying, meditating, or doing anything to help me spiritually. I was focused on 1 person & that person was the one that nearly destroyed me.

    My physical & emotional decline is what sent me into survival mode. I knew if I stayed, I'd be nothing but a soulless robot, catering to people who clearly gave no shits about me. I was terrified during survival mode. My mom has cancer, I am a stay at home mother, & nobody could quite understand what in the hell I was dealing with. I had good friends try & guilt me into staying. He had his therapist saying surely I had a hand in this mess. Every single day my thoughts resembled a carousel, constantly spinning with little horses going up & down, children yelling in the background out of fear or excitement, dizzy dizzy. During survival mode, I didn't give a flying fuck about anybody but my kids & I and it showed. I retreated into absolute defiance with a nobody will treat me this way mentality; in other words, he was on his own. I didn't need him. I needed my safety, sanity, will, soul, & life back & I would do whatever it took to see that those things returned to me. So, I forged on, not looking back. Best thing I've ever done.

    Now I'm in this wonderful, scary, unsure "new normal". I get to make my own set of beliefs. The universe I cussed is bringing me so many gifts. I'm having this surreal rebirth; one that involves honoring who I was & what I am becoming. I feel so worthy of all the things life has to offer. I literally want to high-five myself most days for being so Goddamn strong & not faltering as the tides are still constantly changing. I am transcending through this pain.

    Betrayal has been the absolute worst/best gift I've ever received.

    Oh mother tell your children
    Not to do what I have done
    Spend your life in sin and misery
    In the house of the rising sun


     
  9. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Gotta repost bc no lie, only thing giving me that extra push lately.

    On repeat. All day, every day.

    Listen to this when you are feeling the world cave in, Cake. & paint. Just paint

    - for future reference.

     
    Max Fisher likes this.
  10. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I speak a lot about my growth spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc throughout my betrayal healing. It helps me to speak of the positives despite the shit I go through. Not often do I speak of the other side of this journey.....the one that stays locked down tight because who likes a Debby Downer?

    Right now, I'm going through the most intense loneliness I think I've ever experienced. It feels as though my children & I have been dropped on some deserted island with 1 juice box they'll fight over, & that's it. There might be a native on this island, but I don't trust them. I trust no one. Except the children fighting over the juice box not realizing they better save that, because it's rainwater from here on out unless mommy can find a job on this deserted island.

    My mom, who is actually dying, bears the brunt of my goods & sads because friends have gone silent. Those that peak around the corner every now & then might talk to him, so I can't be open. Regardless, who even really understands being a full time mom of toddler twins, the wife of a deceiver, & the daughter of a cancer patient? Nada.

    Idk, maybe I didn't really understand the enormity of my particular situation & now I do? I always tell my mom that this is the stuff we see in movies, not my actual life. I don't remember dreaming of this life when I was a little girl.

    I am forced to isolate? I self isolate? I see & talk to plenty of people but there's always that sadness/lonliness trying to overtake the connections.

    What's the difference in a pity party & legit feeling sad for yourself?

     
  11. Yes, this journey sucks .. Yes, it will be lonely. But you have this forum, this community. And YOU WILL get through it.

    We are all here for you...this is a safe place. You are among friends, hurting friends yes, but we are all here for each other.
     
  12. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    This is the most ironic situation I've ever found myself in.

    I'd have it no other way :)

    Best group of misfits I've ever met
     
  13. Have you ever considered looking for a group meeting in your area? I go to a Celebrate Recovery (CR) group in my area every week. It is for both mem and women...and the second hour, everyone breaks into groups...men groups / women groups....by topic/problem area. A group dealing with alcoholism, a group dealing with sex addiction. The women have groups for being a spouse of an alcoholic, spouse or a sex addict, etc.

    CR is a faith-based/Christian-based 12 step program....I find the same vibe as here on NoFap: everyone there is walking through difficult life circumstances, judge-free zone, etc.

    I have also heard of something called LIFE Groups:
    http://liferecoverygroups.com/meetings/?tsml-day=any&tsml-type=W
     
  14. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I'm afraid that's just not for me...

    I'd sit there thinking of a million other creative things I could be doing instead of telling my sob story.

    I know, I know...I would meet others sort of like me & be able to have real face-to-face connections. This would be so wonderful for anybody but me....

    It sounds horribly pretentious & I really hate this part of being an only child INFJ, but I just am unable to form generic relationships. I will literally vet someone for months before I let them into my world. I don't share a whole lot if you're not in my world (or on this site, ha!)

    I'll be good....just a stage in this crazy ride. When I embrace these stages & do some self-reflection, I just grow that much more ;)

    Thank you, though...that was solid advice for anyone but Cake, lololol ahhhhhh. FML
     
  15. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    And so Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
    Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I heard you say


     
    TryingHard2Change and Max Fisher like this.
  16. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    Pretty good cover. They didnt try to weird it up. :)
     
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  17. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I thought so, too....I really did have to check phone & make sure it wasn't Oasis.
     
  18. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    My mom is getting weak & it's happening so fast. I just...

    What am I going to do?

    I am so fucking terrified that this most beautiful of relationships between a mother & her daughter is coming to a close when I need her most.

    So, I guess a positive out of this is that I know what's co-driving my sadness.

    I've got a lot of tough days ahead. Lots of stages of loss & grief to recycle. Jesus fuck, I wouldn't wish this series of misfortuate events on the devil himself.

    Thank God for the babycakes. They are my light & bring me so much joy in the hard times. God & the universe knew what was up when I was blessed with those two pure humans.

    I will somehow gather the strength from this mysterious energy well I have attached to me & make it through.

    At least when I die at 100 years old I can honestly say my life was anything but boring & I am pretty sure God will be waiting for me with a You made me proud, Cake!, cake......what a surreal & sad experience.

    What a humbling experience.

     
  19. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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  20. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    It aches for me, too.
    If this was a movie, I'd be the girl ugly sobbing into her popcorn.

    Don't let my troubles get you down, my friend.... there's a gift in this madness. Surely there is, right?
     
    Max Fisher likes this.

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