Building Trust

i would like help with this too. its hard to believe anythign he says because so much of it was lies built on lies. i really hope someone has help

 

i need help with this too

 

We redo the workshops our original CC gave us.
It's in my Lists.
You do them together.
One is called Problems
And another, Solutions.
It puts it all out there.
And then you have to switch and solve.
And aren't allowed to help the other person.
It's interesting.
Really helps see how much work the other person wants to put in.
Another is a fun activity, and another you do in silence.
Just to name a few.
These can take weeks to finish.
It's rebuilding... And you do it together.
If your therapist isn't giving you take home homework, maybe try them?

I totally thought they were stupid when we first got the list.
I never thought we would be redoing them later.
But they are helpful, or I wouldnt have written them down on NoFap.

 

We made our own version of @Kenzi boundaries lists. Just knowing that there are certain things he's promised not to do, and that there will be consequences if he does those things gives me a little peace.

We talk a ton. Before D-day, we had gotten to the point where we would only talk about the kids, maybe something that had happened at work. Afterwards, I told him to come talk to me, if he's having a bad day at work, text me. When the kids go down for bed, we sit for a while and just talk. I feel like he spent so long trying to hide everything from me, and I put up walls so he couldn't hurt me, that we don't really know each other now.

I know others have said that making your wife your accountability partner is a bad idea, but it works for us. When he's feeling tempted, he let's me know. If he caught himself ogling, he tells me immediately. It shows me that he's being trustworthy and trying to keep himself accountable. It also helps me to know what's going on in his mind.

 

Us too, it’s helped with the communication and trust in both of our sides of the recovery.

 

Actions must match words. Clearly stated boundaries and follow-through is HUGE. If a woman doesn't follow through on a consequence, then the guy gets the message that he'll always get a pass. The wife/partner needs to think carefully about "if X happens" then to make myself safe, "I will do Y." The person stating the boundary is the one to take the action b/c we can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do. We only have control over ourselves.

For example, "If You go to a strip club, I will leave the relationship and we will talk to a divorce mediator." For something this severe, the woman needs to have a pre-arranged exit plan. Kids, pets, finances, etc. all worked out in advance, or the boundary carries no weight.

Or, "If you relapse with porn, I will have an in-house separation for x days." or "I will leave and take the kids to my mother's home for at least 30 days and won't return until we are in counseling."

Our pre-negotiated boundary consequence is that my husband will leave the home b/c I have had waaaay too much change and stress over the past (almost) 2 years. He agreed.

Follow-through on boundaries helps to rebuild trust. Staying sober rebuilds trust (this is on THEM, not us.) One good book about boundaries is V T Palmer's book _Moving beyond Betrayal_ and another good book (if the guy is willing to read it - this is the key the guy mst want to be sober, make repairs, put in effort - we can't MAKE them) --- anyhow the other book my husband is reading is called _Worthy of Her Trust_. My husband initiated that one.

 

There is no "one size fits all" for this stuff. If it works for you, and helps you feel more secure b/c there's communication, then it works!

The reason why some people say it's a bad idea is b/c an accountability partner gets contacted (supposedly? - sort of like a sponsor in AA) any time the guy feels an urge or is tempted to act out. If the guy is telling his wife 10x /day that he got the urge to do X and he handled it by going for a run, shoveling the drive instead, etc., the woman could be triggered like mad. It could hinder the woman's recovery if the addict is really struggling with recovery and going to her constantly to share his urges and if he succeeded/failed. It becomes all about HIM.

So - defining what an "accountability partner" is key as well.