Broken

My partner of 10+ was addicted to P and M before we met. He used to M 3-5 times per day until we became active. He stopped P but the M never wavered. Once in the morning, once before bed, and whatever else throughout the day plus any real experiences we had. His constant need for stimulation led to a relapse to P a few years ago. He hid this from me, becoming more and more distant as time went on. He resented me for meaningless things whenever I got close to his secret. (Thinking he was cheating or worrying about his erectile issues when we were together)

I have felt so alone in this relationship and so damaged by his constant lack of interest in me. I feel completely unattractive and like there is something wrong with me and my body. I've always stayed as thin as I could, I bought lingerie, makeup, whatever else I could think of to get his attention and he barely paid me the time of day. (I'm 5'3 and have weighed at max 125lbs)

Years of this his resentment and blame combined with my self talk that somehow I must be at fault here has left me broken. Eventually I turned to P and M for my sexual needs...which have always been higher than most woman I know. (When we were okay, 3-4 times a week M. Now at least once a day P, M, or both) I did this because my self image is non existent and too much loyalty to cheat on someone I still care about.

Now he's told me and I am feeling a combination of inadequacy, jealousy, and comparison to the people he's chosen over me time and time again. I constantly compare myself to anyone I see. I have been struggling even more with my addiction to PM after he told me. It's an escape from this pain that all of this damage. He's telling me that I did the same thing...but that's not what this feels like to me. To me it feels like I have tried over and over, like I'm in constant competition with his computer and he chose the screen over me. There is nothing more lonely than being alone when you are sitting next to someone you thought cared about you.

 

It's not about wanting to leave him but I know I should. The issue is I feel so broken and unattractive from this I dont think anyone would want to be with me anyway. I don't feel like i have any options.