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Broken inside because I can never measure up to the women in his porn

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Just4*2day, Dec 10, 2016.

  1. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Isn't exactly that called "cure" ?

    That's very true. When you come there, you are grown up.

    I never did this. That would take a serious amount of time.

    The first is not really true, because I have training, and I was actively working in alcohol addict programs, together with experts.

    For the second: Cure starts with insight. I'm trying to give that by sharing my own experiences. I'm 44, thus I have experience, I have done therapies, I have made progress, I see things more clearly - and with 24 you see things not that clearly like you see them with 44.


    BTW, in this forum, you can see at least two types of PMO addicts.
    I'm addressing those who are using PMO to escape from reality.
     
  2. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Ah, Sir, are you my speaker ? Do we have a contract ? ;)
     
  3. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    Maybe we aren't all that far apart on this. Perhaps it's semantics and we are just simply defining or viewing the word "cure" differently. I guess where you are using the word cure, I personally would substitute the word "recovery" instead.

    My apologies if you interpreted my post to mean that you personally were trying to manage someone's recovery process that was not my intent. I was merely speaking more generally or broadly.

    Again, my apologies if you are a therapist and would like to use this forum to try to cure people. That is completely within your right and is your purgative. However, I was sharing my personal belief that I feel it is more beneficial in this medium to extend caring over trying to "cure." I see face to face counseling sessions with licensed and trained therapists as a better format for that kind of thing that you are defining as "curing." That being said, we all have insights, experience, wisdom and stories that have significant value and when shared appropriately can be extremely helpful and bring healing. I couldn't agree more that insights are the start to recovery or in your definition, bring a cure. :)

    I am a speaker for the addict men on this site. I am part of that group just as you are (I am assuming) and every other PMO addict male is. When I see us addict men, such as myself, saying things that cause pain to the SO women on these forums, I believe it is within my right to apologize to that woman for the pain that we addicted men as a group have caused. I believe that is part of the healing process for the SO's as well. If that feels like in doing so I am stepping on your toes, I sincerely apologize for that as well.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2017
  4. No_More_Lies

    No_More_Lies Fapstronaut

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    Could not have said it better myself. Having been in and out of the addiction cycle, I can attest to how letting my guard down when I had a good streak (a month or more) was followed by an eventual relapse.

    I think we need to own this addiction, take it as a fact no matter how long of a streak we may muster. Sure, that may be a depressing idea, but only by acknowledging our addiction do we have power over it. I've accepted now that this addiction of mine is a part of me. Every time I've thought I was "clean" was followed by a relapse (not immediately, but eventually. It's damn near impossible to remove triggers). Only by continually keeping our guard up and being aware it is there can we maintain sobriety. While a reboot may rewire our brain, I think those old pathways might still be there a bit, and I know I need to be aware every day that I could fall down that path again.

    But, as @Ted Martin said, we should continually try to support each other, encourage each other so that we can make it through another day, week, month, even year. And, we should continually strive to be our best, to improve ourselves with every day.
     
    Just4*2day and Ted Martin like this.
  5. Dkjnr

    Dkjnr Fapstronaut

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    In all honesty i believe your husbands porn is an escape. I say this because im an addict who watched porn for 18 years and between times i was off it never found any of it desireable.

    Lonliness and more importantly unaccomplisment in my life drives me to porn. I recently found a new job and even though its not perfect it allowed me to feel happy and find 101 things to do instead of watching porn. Thats not to say i dont have problems -insecurities about fulfilling my goals have riddled my mind and destroyed my self cobfidence and self esteem; and up until i found a new job i was much worse. Where now i will find the odd yoga video on youtube provocative as i stress about whether i should exercise or do another task that makes me feel better about myself; i would watch salacious videos to escape the salacious life i was living; a dead end job at 33 with no real savings; education and the impossible odds of being where i want to be. Whilst im still in that same river facing similar problems the new job has changed some things and made me hopeful.

    Those were my ibsecurities. Your husband needs to know his. Everyones is different. He may find getting older and feeling weaker a challenge and wonder whether he is able to be the man he wants to be. Whenever i feel unable to be the man i want to be i go down that path; so in soeaking from exoerience maybe this view can help you see what may be his problems!
     
  6. No_More_Lies

    No_More_Lies Fapstronaut

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    It is always possible to improve one-self, no matter the challenges.

    I personally know a 60-something year old body builder that started only in his late 50's, and he has gone on to win competitions showing off his work! I find that to be very inspiring, that someone can always start something new no mater their age.
     
    Just4*2day likes this.
  7. @Just4*2day I just want you to know that your age, your body, your looks has nothing to do with what your husband is doing to himself and you. I am so sorry you are questioning yourself now and it is the most horrible side effect of your husband's addiction. It is so unfair to feel like you are not enough because he is doing this. No matter how messed up this addiction makes a person, it still hurts the SO profoundly and is very difficult to not take it personally. It creates insecurities in the most secure people and it is not your fault.

    Try to remember that his addiction is not because of you. You are more than just enough for him, you should be the only one that he desires. You deserve your husband's undivided attention, respect, love and devotion. It really is worse for the SO than the addict in many ways. We have zero control over what they do or think. We have zero control over how this addiction affects our relationship and have no way to change it ourselves. The only thing you can do for yourself is take care of you, protect you, set boundaries and follow through with consequences. It is the most horrible feeling to have to leave (if that is a consequence) when that is not what we wanted the outcome to be. But you have to realize that it is your life too, not just his. You deserve better.

    I hope he can pull his eyes open and realize what he is doing to your relationship, you and himself. I hope he will do that and create a wonderful relationship. I hope he can do that before it's too late for you. But if it gets to that point, realize that again, it is not your fault.

    I wish you all the best
     
  8. @Ted Martin Addicts cannot cure addicts. Even non-addicts cannot do that. We can care, give nudges, give thought-starters, but the healing process has to start from the addict himself. Very inspiring quote from you, thanks.
     
  9. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    Couldn't agree more! :)
     

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