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Broken inside because I can never measure up to the women in his porn

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Just4*2day, Dec 10, 2016.

  1. I'm not unattractive many would actually say I'm very attractive but I'm not 20 anymore, I'm 47 and I fear that when my husband looks at 20 year old's naked, he judges me by that standard weather here means to or not. In the past all I ever had to do was mention sex and he was ready but now he has to either wake up with an erection or use the bathroom first, always with his phone in hand. He has not let me know what he is doing but I've opened his phone a few times to call my own phone and I've found it on a porn site. He doesn't deny watching porn but I'm afraid he doesn't see a problem with it. I'm fairly certain he looks at porn on the daily. It break my heart that I cannot be enough for him. Lately his libido has dropped off to 2 or 3 times a month from 2 or 3 times a week which drives me nuts because I really enjoy the closeness of sex but now I get nearly nothing. I know he isn't cheating(physically or emotionally) because there is no time for that. How can I help him see that his porn habit is having a profound effect on us.
     
  2. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

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    Sorry this is happening to you. I'm no good at advice, but wish you both the best.
     
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  3. Red Eagle

    Red Eagle Fapstronaut

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    Show him how harmful porn can be. There is enough material on the internet with which he can educate himself. The Nofap site, yourbrainonporn.com
    If he won't stop watching porn nothing is gonna change for the better. It's just gonna get worse. He needs the novelty of porn. I doubt you're unattractive to him but he is used to seeing many women with a simple click. There is no real woman, no matter how attractive, that can measure up to that shit. It's a drug that can easily destory relationships.
    He might not be cheating on you physically but he defintetely does so cognitivelly speaking.
     
  4. diddykong

    diddykong Fapstronaut

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    He probably doesn't see this as a big deal (conventional thinking about porn is that it's harmless and everyone uses it). Obviously we now know that it's much more harmful. I think that as this is having such a big effect on you then it has to be discussed with him. These articles might help you. I think they will resonate a lot with how you're feeling.

    http://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-can-hurt-your-partner/
    http://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-kills-love/
    http://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-damages-your-sex-life/

    There are lots of other articles there but I think these are the most pertinent for your situation.

    Good luck :)
     
  5. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

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    Recently saw a young male in his late teen's say on twitter that porn is "actually healthy," etc. SCARY!
     
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  6. diddykong

    diddykong Fapstronaut

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    When I was in school (we were still on dial up Internt back then...) porn was essentially magazines and it was very matter of fact. Our sex ed involved a video about pregnancy, a school nurse showing us how to put on a condom and some pictures of STDs. This was the generation where they made jokes in shows like Friends of teenagers stealing their dad's Playboy magazines, like this was complete normality. Many people of that generation still feel the same way about porn but porn has mutated very dramatically ever since the Tube sites came along.

    When I was younger our first exposure to "porn" was essentially seeing boobs. Now if a teenager goes looking for porn, instead of finding boobs the first thing that they'll find is really hardcore, graphic, violent porn. This is how kids now get their sex ed. They think it's healthy because it's the only way that they can learn about sex, even though it's a warped view of it.
     
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  7. Sailor93

    Sailor93 Fapstronaut

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    I'm very sorry for your situation. I hope he can see the light in time. Can you give us some more information on what you have already done? Did you already confront him with it? Did you catch him in the action yet? Is he a man who is open for conversation? I ask this so that people on the forum can give some more streamlined and to the point help.
     
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  8. Darkstar 22.84

    Darkstar 22.84 Fapstronaut

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    @Just4*2day

    If it's any consolation, you're exactly the age I find most women to be attractive. And I'm a young guy.
    So, you see, there's a niche for everybody.

    Unfortunately, I too often resort to porn to satiate my needs. Feeling the burning desire right now.
    But I can handle it.
    Why?

    Because I know that IF I go through this hell, there's a mature woman waiting for me at the end of the rainbow.
    And her libido will be off the charts

    Take comfort in knowing that your struggle is also the struggle of others and that the truth will prevail.
    One way or the other

    Communicate with your husband, though. Silence is the Relationship killer.
    Keeping silent on such matters only makes it worse
     
  9. OpenEyedSneeze

    OpenEyedSneeze Fapstronaut

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    You have to tell him how you feel and that you think porn is the main factor in this.

    However, I can tell you for a fact that his lack of interest in you has absolutely nothing to do with you being unattractive (it's possible that it's something else, but very unlikely by the sound of it). I'm just over 30 years old and my wife is a few years younger and she's completely gorgeous and her body is amazing. Even so, I was totally off sex and rejected her all the time. We had sex maybe 2-3 times a month, at best! The reason? I was PMO'ing every day, up to 3 times a day at my worst times. That was the reason and the only reason. Now that I'm 35 days into Hard Mode I can't keep my hands off her and every day that goes by I see better how good she looks. However, we're not having sex and I'm rebooting for at least 90 days.

    Also know that the people in P isn't real and they are in fact very very damaged people themselves. They don't compare to you in any way :)

    Don't know if this helps but you need to assure yourself that your looks is not the problem. Talk to him, introduce him to the possibility of a porn problem causing lack of libido and interest in real sex.
     
  10. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    It's mutual.

    My girlfriend has similar fears like you.
    The more she has fears, the more I flee myself.

    That's because it triggers a "helping syndrome" in me, which draws off energy, and then I flee.

    Of course I know the mechanism, and I'm working on myself to be strong.

    Interestingly, when I focus on myself, then also the relationship goes best.
    A good relationship means that both partners are strong and not dependent from each other.
     
    Just4*2day likes this.
  11. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    I would suggest researching a practice known as karezza it could be beneficial to your relationship and this situation.
     
  12. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

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    @Son of a Bitch and I failed karezza. Big time.
     
  13. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    I never tried it just seems interesting
     
    Deadlihood likes this.
  14. Thank you, truth is it is happening to both of us, he doesn't even realize the power porn has over him, this makes him a victim also.
     
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  16. Yes, that is a bit of a reality check. By looking at other naked women, he is definitely not forsaking all others. thank you
     
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  18. Thank you. I am so impressed with how helpful everyone is and how understanding.
     
    SMK likes this.
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  20. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband. Sounds like he doesn't understand just how damaging his problem has become. Many addicts deny the seriousness of their problems until something wakes them up. This problem also destroys their wive's self-esteem. If it were any other addiction then you wouldn't draw a comparison to yourself, but this addiction becomes incredibly personal.

    Even though this is a sex addiction it is not about sex. Addicts seek to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative emotions or feelings. This is more of an emotional problem than a sexual one. Yes, it involves sex and has sexual side effects, but addicts are looking for an emotional state of nirvana that they are forever chasing. Addicts start preferring the fantasy world of porn over the real world. The fantasy world is pain-free, judgement free, and requires no work to cultivate. Addicts live in a world of illusion of their own making and it is not satisfying nor does it lead to happiness. The illness is that addicts believe that they can perfectly control their emotions with porn and that it doesn't hurt anyone around them. I'm sure once you start digging I expect that there's a world of hurt that he is concealing and medicating with porn.

    The only way to wake him up is to create a rock-bottom moment where continuing the addiction is more painful than the consequences. It's time to let him know that the status quo is no longer acceptable. Explain to him how his behavior makes you feel. Explain to him the changes you have seen in him. Let him know that things are going to get worse unless he changes. Help him appreciate that this is an addiction which is causing him to be blind to his actions. It is time to let him know what you expect from him and that there are going to be consequences if he doesn't live up to them. Assure him that you are not overreacting and that he is sick and needs help getting better.

    I assure you that you are not the cause of his problems, nor did you make them worse. You are not competing against the models he sees in porn, you are competing against the fantasy and illusions within his own mind. No one can compete with that. You shouldn't have to compete. He needs to give it up. You deserve to have his full and complete attention. Healing for him and you and your relationship is possible if he wakes up from his porn coma. I hope you are able to reach him and that things change.
     

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