Broken hearted and hanging by a thread :( <3

Hi. I am the partner of a PMO addict and recovering drug addict. I wasn't aware of his addictions when I met him and only found out after almost a year into our relationship. I feel undesired and deeply unloved by him often. I'm always longing for a deeper connection with him, but no matter how great of a girlfriend I am I can never seem to achieve that. Since discovering his addictions and him opening up to me about his struggles I have tried everything in my power to help him abstain; to help him overcome these demons in his mind, but to no avail. I feel hopeless....defeated. I am no stranger to addiction but yet with all my life experience/personal struggles/ and knowledge, I'm still finding it so hard to understand why?? I'm left hurting so badly every time I found out and it throws me back 10 steps from my own healing!! I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor of 13 years and a survivor of physical abuse and sexual assault; his porn addiction affects me so deeply because my whole life I felt only loved for my body and here I am with a man that I love with all my heart and soul and he'll barely blink an eye at me standing in front of him naked....I long for him to desire me the way he desires other women....I long for him to initiate sex and to touch me like I'm the most amazing girl to him. I try so hard to be sexy and beautiful for him but it's never enough. I know he loves me so much...he tells me all the time...he trys to show me in other ways. Clearly he feels horrible for the way he is; I just want him to have true peace. I know his heart is in the right place....I wish so badly that I could help him but his addiction to porn is so strong and he's struggling to break the habit. We've been together almost 3 years now. Hes stuck in his own personal hell and we are falling a part. I have held on this long even after knowing the truth and how many times he has been unfaithful to me. I love him and I want to fight for our love. I feel for him and i pray for complete freedom from his chains. I know he can beat it I just don't know how much longer I can hold on....I'm breaking here....i have nothing left to give....I have honestly been such a loving and supportive partner but I don't know how much longer I can take of feeling like a stranger to the love of my life....I miss the real him

 

Thank you so much ✌️

 

Thank you; I've already asked to be in the group and I'm just waiting for a response

 

Nvm I think I got confused! I'm gonna get on that forum now. Thanks again!

 

Thank you...honestly...I really need a push and at the same time it gives me hope to hear that you and your husband have had healing in your marriage. It is so painful...I just want it to stop and I know I have the power to end the pain; that's the crazy making...I continue to put myself through what I know I can stop!! There will be change and I'm gonna be that change!! Thank you for sharing your heart with me...❤✌️

 

Thank you so much for sharing this! I am going to look into buying that book and giving it a try. I agree with everything you said. I am an addict myself and very open about it; an addict to pleasing people, an addict to doing whatever I have to do to not be alone, an addict to needing to help others so that my brokenness feels better, and I've been addicted to drugs in my life. I am overcoming these demons but I have just recently, since meeting my guy, fell back again in to old destructive thinking patterns. I'm trying to save myself before it's too late. I don't want to go back there. I wasted almost 30 years of my life living there! The good thing is that I completely understand where he's coming from and that is what's held me here so long. I know his story, I hear his voice and I want to honour that for him; I want to help him but I need to find a different way to help...separate myself from his addiction...stop blaming myself for it, stop trying to be a detective. I've been too busy trying to fix him instead of just fixing myself because my pain was too deep. His addiction is teaching me so much about myself, others, about addiction and past trauma and how they're connected as a whole; and my trauma and overcoming, the wisdom in bringing him are teaching him so much about life! I am so thankful for all the lessons but it's just so painful some days to remain positive. I think one of the biggest struggles we have is that we are 11 years a part...he is 24 and I am 35....we are so far a part in life experience; it's hard to navigate through that. You are right. I need to focus on completing myself....I'm almost fricken there! I just gotta stop getting in my own way. Decide today that enough is enough. I need to find the strength to love him through this without destroying myself. Thank you again for your understanding and compassion! ❤✌️

 

Im glad to hear you guys are trying to work it out and that you've put in an awesome effort to make change. 19 months is great! I can only hope that for my guy. Anyone can do it; we just gotta want it bad enough. A lot of people don't realize porn is a problem because society has made it so normalized. I like what you said about being able to tolerate discomfort for personal growth; this is what I try to share with my guy so often. We are gonna find great discomfort in beating these addictions but if you can tough it out you will find a life on the other side that is so abundant and you will finally find your true self. Life is a struggle but it builds character right; the greatest warriors come out of struggle! I really wish you the best in your marriage. Keep doing what your doing man. Fight for love; love for your wife, love for yourself. Always have hope! ✌️

 

Yeah sometimes it seems so crazy saying that cause almost everyone's watching it, but why were we watching it in the first place? Making love was supposed to be for two people who love each other. How did we as a society let it get this far where now marriages are ending? Men are depressed and ashamed? Women are feeling worthless? Women and men both are feeling inadequate? Why is it this way? Where is the sacredness of love? It's a tragedy. God did not design us this way. We were meant for so much more! I fight for my guy to be released of these addictions so that he can know how truly loved he is; to bring light to his darkness. Not me, no women in those videos, none will ever love him as much as Jesus Christ!! ❤