BreatheDeeply's Rebirth - Part 2

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by BreatheDeeply, Nov 8, 2017.

  1. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    Thought I would start a journal with my personal definition of relapsing.

    In looking at other addictions such as cigarettes, I feel that there is a very definitive line that can be crossed. That can be defined not when the user thinks about smoking. Nor is it defined when they go to buy cigarettes or even put one to their lips or even light it. To me, the moment is when they inhale; when they introduce the drug into their system.

    In defining relapsing for myself, I at first had trouble figuring out what was 'okay' and what was crossing my line. But after considering the cigarette/drug user's scenario, I came up with the following:

    Anything I consciously do which works against
    my goal of being porn free is relapsing.

    So what exactly does that mean?

    Well, I've had to work through that just a little bit myself to more clearly define that. Originally, I didn't include the word 'consciously' and therefore, whenever I felt like edging and started making up fantasy scenarios in my head, I felt like I had relapsed.

    But after consideration, I didn't feel like that was fair to myself and ultimately was too strict an interpretation to be beneficial to me. If I was failing that often, my situation seemed very dire.

    My current approach is more forgiving and refined: If I feel a desire to turn on the TV to find something to edge to, that is not a relapse. Picking up the remote is not a relapse. But turning to the channel, actually seeking the imagery is.

    Seeing a nice-looking woman on the street that catches my eye is not relapsing. Doing anything in my head - lingering, looking twice, etc. - other than simply appreciating her beauty and moving on is.

    Ultimately, for me, it's perfectly okay to WANT to edge. It's not okay TO actively edge. And I delineate those two things with a state of consciousness. Wanting to do something is not something I can control. It's what I do with that desire - to actively feed it, or find a way to dissolve it - that defines whether I relapse or not.

    This isn't easy. It's a very liberal line. But it's definitive for me. I can look at every situation and consider "Is what I'm doing working me towards, or away, from my ultimate goal?" At those points where I am struggling between changing the channel or not, I feel like I am on a fence. I'm fighting between what I want to do now, and what I want for myself long term.

    And finally, there are occasions when I have found myself edging without even realizing it. Those times do NOT count as a relapse by themselves. It's when I become self-aware of the edging and what I do about it that matters. If I just continue, it's a relapse. If I immediately distract myself and stop edging, it's not. Again, it's the conscious part that matters - what I do when I am paying attention to my actions.

    Edging for two hours, then deciding "Oh, I better stop" isn't an option for me any more. Edging for even a minute is an outright relapse. I'm too self-aware now to not know what I am doing within probably 10 seconds. I used to live my life on cruise control, not really paying attention to what I was doing at any moment in time. Then I (somewhat reluctantly) started yoga and that dramatically helped me. But that's another post.

    HTH,
    BreatheDeeply
     
  2. Brooklyn Jerry69

    Brooklyn Jerry69 Fapstronaut

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    Very well thought out post. I guess if your on a diet you can't fault yourself for being hungry. Getting horny is a natural instinct,maybe MO on occasion is also but I'm sure.watching videos of others having sex is not.
     
  3. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    And so yoga... I've got the urge to write right now, so I'll throw out my thoughts about my yoga practice.

    I only started yoga at the suggestion of my therapist. He has practiced yoga for over 10 years and recommended that I give Bikram yoga a try. I don't think so. Bikram yoga is practiced in a room where the temperature is literally set at something like 95-100 degrees and the humidity is set to 40%. I was not physically fit enough to want to push my limits in that way. Instead, I looked into more introductory level courses at local studios. Still, I was hesitant to go for a few reasons...

    Argument 1: I was concerned about being surrounded by a "crunchy" group of people - those who practiced and preached eating healthy, wearing hemp clothes, etc. I like pizza. With meat toppings. Not rice bowls. I drive an SUV and don't feel guilty about it. I'm not on Instagram and use FB sparingly. I don't smoke anything and I don't have dreadlocks or drink tea from Starbucks.

    Reality 1: I couldn't have met a nicer group of instructors. The people I have met have all been down to Earth, friendly, conversational, and never push any outside projects they might have (some are massage therapists, some do acupuncture, some are nutrionists). It's only about yoga when you are there and the studio is the ultimate place of no judgement. The instructors don't care about your ability. Only your desire. If you have trouble getting into a particular pose, you either do your best, or fall into a 'safe' pose like Child's Pose. They really don't care. They don't call you out, and they won't come over to 'help you' unless you specifically ask them to. The bottom line philosophy is this: If you are doing any yoga, you are doing yoga.

    Argument 2: I'll get bored with this just like I did with my Couch-to-5K and every other physical endeavor I've tried to adopt.

    Reality 2: It's been a year and I can't wait to sign on for another year. I've attended anywhere from 1 to 7 classes a week - sometimes as many as 3 in a day. The classes vary wildly in their approach and style. All Levels classes are general yoga classes. Restorative classes find you lying in a comfortable position for maybe 15 minutes at a time with the lights turned down and you just relaxing. Yin classes have you not use muscles, but instead stretch your ligaments in poses that last from 2 to 5 minutes. And one of my favorites - yoga nidra - is where you lie in one position for 30+ minutes as you are guided through a meditation. The variance combined with the wonderful instructors has me coming back time and time again. And to this day, I'm still occasionally introduced to new concepts, poses and feelings all the time. The fact that I am getting deeper and better at my practice hasn't hurt either. It's fun to look back at my progress throughout the year.

    Argument 3: It will be a waste of money.

    Reality 3: It is among the best $400 I have ever spent. My local yoga studio offered my first class for free, then my first month of unlimited classes for half price ($30). By the end of that first month, I was sold on the positive affect yoga had on my recovery as was ready to pay the $60/month. I figured that if I went 2-3 times a week, I'd be paying about $6/class and that was worth if for what I felt I was getting. Fortunately, this was about the time of Black Friday and they offered a deal of $400 for a year of unlimited classes and I jumped on that deal. Crossing my fingers they do the same in a few weeks. It's time for me to renew!

    Argument 4: The class is a hotbed of hotties. That can't be good for me.

    Reality 4: Well, yes. There are good-looking women in tight outfits bending over all around you. And I can certainly see where this can be a problem for some men. For me personally, I doubted that this was one of my major triggers and I appreciated the introductory classes as a test. To clarify this as succinctly as a I can, where I've watched enough hardcore and have some specific fetishes, being around girls at a yoga studio was not anticipated to be a problem. If there was any problem, it would more likely be fantasizing about those girls later on. So how has this worked out? In a word: Great.

    I find that when at the studio, I'm so focused on my practice that I literally don't have time to look around. Doing yoga really does take that much of my attention. In fact, within 30 seconds of sitting on my mat, I feel myself immediately at ease. Yes, I do see other yogis if I turn this way or that, but I don't stare and therefore don't 'store' images for later. There's also the issue that if I do stare, I could get kicked out of the studio real quickly, but fortunately I haven't really ever used that as a reason not to. I just know that that is an option and so subconsciously, maybe it's a deterrent? (Not sure about this, but I've never been 'afraid' of this.) I've also begun doing a lot of my practice with my eyes closed. Not to fight temptation, but simply to get deeper in my practice - to try to better sync my breathing with my movements and increase my flexibility.

    HOW HAS YOGA BENEFITED ME?

    1. My self-awareness has grown immensely. I do not live my life in cruise control as much as I used to. Where I would edge for a long time in the past without thinking about it, now I am able to recognize what I am doing in seconds. And while I don't always make the right decision, I'm at least more immediately aware that I've made the wrong decision and more quick to rectify it. In yoga class, you concentrate so much on your emotional state, your breathing, and your posture, that you are able to not only block everything else out, but develop a level of concentration that you can take with you outside the class. I'm also more aware of simple things like if I'm slightly cold or have a minor physical ache which in the past I would not have noticed.

    2. I have a peacefulness which often carries on long after I have left class. In some cases, I can physically feel more relaxed for 24 hours after taking a class. This peacefulness helps to combat the inner turmoil of my edging by helping to keep it at bay.

    3. I have learned meditation. Through this practice, which I try to incorporate at least once a day for a least a couple of minutes, I am able to focus my attention on an intent for the day. This intent may be something like "I will be porn free to have a better life" or "I will fight edging today to be closer to my wife." I am also able to check in with my emotional state and better relax myself if I'm feeling stressed. My meditation practice still varies considerably from barely getting into a session, to getting unbelievably deep. In one recent five minute session, I had feelings of slow free-falling through darkness to the point where I started laughing to myself in amazement. It was one of the more incredible natural experiences I've ever had.

    4. I am in better physical shape. I'm still overweight, but I am much more flexible. I have built up a small amount of muscle tone - not as much as what I would like - but am moving more in a positive direction that I ever have before.

    5. I am better able to let things go. This is a big part of yoga/meditation and I've found that I incorporate it throughout my day. Essentially, it's about recognizing mental or physical situations, looking at them in a spectator sense, then letting them go. Essentially, not holding onto something. In Yin classes, we are told to get to our 'edge' (nice term, eh) by stretching as far into a pose as to incorporate a pain threshold of about 2-4 on a scale of 10. This gets you stretching, but not damaging, tendons, ligaments, etc. But while there, you are instructed to recognize the difference between being somewhat uncomfortable and being in actual pain (completely discouraged). Once in this state of slight discomfort, you are then able to learn to live with this discomfort in an acceptable way. In turn, I can apply this same approach to everything. Like when I'm talking to my wife about a relapse. I know that it's going to be uncomfortable, but I'm better able to recognize being uncomfortable and settle into it. This allows me to move forward in such conversations rather than running from them.

    6. I am happier. Yoga simply makes me feel happy when I talk about it, when I practice it, when I meet and talk with instructors and fellow yogis, when I think about going and immediately after I leave. There's a natural elation that goes along with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not addicted to it and sometimes go a week without attending a class. But boy does that throw me off mentally when that happens.

    7. It is an important part of my recovery foundation. Probably more than anything else, my mental state and my approach to my recovery have improved immensely. I feel empowered to beat my addiction. And when I am NOT going to yoga on a regular basis, I am self-aware of the need for it. I feel a little weak and/or lost without it. Almost like I'm losing 'intention' and falling back towards 'cruise control.' I don't look at it as a crutch, but rather as a tool. And if I'm not using it, my recovery suffers. Without a doubt. And that's motive enough for me to continue to embrace it wholly.

    In closing, if you are like I was and have zero interest in trying yoga, I implore you to give it a class or two. If you really think it is an unsafe place for you to be, then check in to see if they may have a men's only class. Placing your mat at the front of the class may also help significantly reduce the chances of wandering eyes as most of the class will be behind you and you'll be right in front of the instructor.

    I honestly did not think I would benefit from it as much as I have.
    Many people who are into yoga are there because they also had issues in their life and turned to it as a part of their solution. So grab some sweat pants and a t-shirt and get down there. The studio probably has mats you can use and they'll have everything else you may or may not need that day.

    HTH,
    BreatheDeeply
     
  4. Brooklyn Jerry69

    Brooklyn Jerry69 Fapstronaut

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    Its great to be able to do something physical .After my wife passed away I didn't weight train for a fee years,something I had done regularly for many years.About 3 years ago I got back into it.Let me tell you fapping is not concductve to weight training,it saps your energy. Save the juice for the real thing.
     
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  5. DIYAS1

    DIYAS1 Fapstronaut

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    I am also using yoga and meditation as a path in changing my approach to life and now on my reboot journey.
     
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  6. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    What I've come to learn - and it's been too long a time getting here - is that it comes down to those first few seconds.

    It's in those first few seconds that I make the decision to edge or not to edge. That is the most critical and effective time to curb the behavior. In the beginning, it couldn't have been that simple. It would be nice if the solution simply was "make the right decision as soon as you want to edge." But for me, that couldn't have been an option. Instead, there are/were lots of things I had to learn along the way.

    I needed to learn to self-awareness. I needed to learn to recognize what my body was doing (the subtle physical signs) when I wanted to edge. To override the cruise control and really pay attention to the anxiousness, the fidgeting, the disruption to the normality of my body functions. A year ago, I didn't notice any of this. Today, I am much, much better at recognizing the little physical signals my body sends my brain. I've learned to recognize when they are being sent and what to do with them.

    I needed to really understand when my addiction truly begins which is just before I begin to edge. It begins with a desire to edge. There is that moment when my body is telling me that I want to edge. And when that happens, I've almost always automatically jumped right to edging. I'm learning to recognize that first few seconds and slow my thoughts down - to analyze what is going on in my head - and give myself a chance to respond correctly.

    Today, I am learning to incorporate a key component at the moment I am fighting the desire to edge: Compassion. Through meditation and yoga, I have learned that when negative thoughts or postures are presented to me, the solution is not to meet them with disgust, frustration, anger, or other negative emotions. Instead, I have learned to simply observe them and then let them wash over me. I have learned that emotions are not good or bad, but simply are. Simply recognizing them and letting them go is critical. Why? Because if I'm struggling with whether or not to edge, I'm subconsciously also beating myself up over the indecision. A part of me is angry with myself that I'm even having the conversation and that just exacerbates the whole scenario.

    Instead, I am working to offer compassion to the equation; to realize that it's okay to have inner struggles and feel frustrated and appreciate the fact that I'm self-aware. It sounds a bit circular, but for me, being aware that I'm being aware I believe will be more helpful in that I will have that much more time to really consider my actions and weigh their consequences.


    Today, I am hoping to put compassion in place. Even if I find myself edging today, if I stop and apply compassion to my thoughts (not hate myself) and prevent my edging from continuing, I will have learned a lesson and and a new tool and therefore will have moved forward in my recovery. I know that I can as I do it all the time in meditation. Now it's time to apply it somewhere else in my life.

    HTH,
    BreatheDeeply
     
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  7. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    I agree 100%. I've tried weight training, jogging, etc. Nothing like that has worked for me. However I do enjoy trail hiking and geocaching. Those get me outdoors where I feel so 'clean' from my addiction. Wish I had access to them 24/7, but alas, I'll take what I can where I can.
     
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  8. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    How long have you been practicing?
     
  9. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    Today I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    After having a pretty bad day on Sunday, I've had three outstanding days. I rate my days on a percentage scale based on how 'clean' my mind felt from edging. If I feel the desire to edge a bunch of times, but fight them off, I might give the day a 90-95% rating. If I haven't been tempted at all, it's a 100%. I've had 90%+ days in the recent past. But these last three days have been close to 100%.

    So that has me worried a bit. I feel as though these past three days are result of my personal 'snapback' from Sunday. Like I'm so disgusted with my behavior, that I've gone all the way in the opposite direction.

    Every time I fail, however, I learn something new. I 'fail better', to use an oft-quoted line. I don't doubt I'll relapse at some point. But as long as I'm learning from it, I'll be that much stronger and thus I'm a happy camper.
     
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  10. DIYAS1

    DIYAS1 Fapstronaut

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    Intermittently for about a year. Reasonably regularly for the last 6 months. Mostly following sequences from various online communities. I started attending a weekly class about 6 weeks ago. As I am a shift worker I have found it difficult to get to regular classes.
     
  11. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    Yep: Fail better. Don't knock it because it works.

    Martial arts training has sparring thousands upon thousands of hours: perfecting blocks and improving strength. What yoga positions /moves do for the body is similar. What the nonphysical part of yoga does for the mind is similar as well. Not a blackbelt overnight, and not fully rebooted in an instant. Keep it up and you'll get there just fine. Respect.
     
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  12. DIYAS1

    DIYAS1 Fapstronaut

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    I have a background in martial arts achieving a black belt in tae kwon do 14 years ago followed by a journey through a number of styles. As much as I loved the martial arts it is not something that resonates with me quite the same anymore. i enjoy both the practical and philosophical natures of yoga. Also pursuing a life of internal and external peace.
     
  13. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    I'm on the road today so it should be another strong start to the day. I find that I'm much less likely to edge when I'm driving or riding somewhere, even though if I want to edge, I often make it up completely in my mind. In those cases, I often rely on a person and/or setting I've experienced in the past 48 hours, bringing then back in some inappropriate situation.

    In talking with a friend last night, the term "tied up" came up in a joking, but sexual nature. I had a thought of a bondage situation, yet is was extremely vague and nondescript. It was more like I had imagined a concept than an image. It didn't bother me much as I was very aware of the slight trigger and responded to it well by not chasing it.

    I opened up to this friend about a week and a half ago. He does not share my addiction, but has been very supportive so far. (I'm working on not only opening up to him, but sort of curating him to be a better accountability partner.)

    We have very similar personalities and our sense of humor is all over the place. Nothing is off-topic. And sexual jokes have always been a part of our repertoire. In carefully considering this, I have insisted that we don't change a thing in this regard. I told him that I have no problem making jokes about sex or my addiction. He knows when I'm serious and I know when he's joking and we can switch gears in a second if necessary.

    I believe this really allows for both of us to feel more at ease and not get hung up on the ugly details of my problem while still being helpful.

    As I distance myself from my problem, I learn how such subtle things can be triggers and how successful I can be if I practice my self awareness and really live in the moment.
     
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  14. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    My foundation is of critical importance.

    Here are the current components of my base foundation - those things in my life on which I rely to strengthen my recovery and keep me from sliding:

    My Therapist: I've been seeing a therapist for about 18 months. He's very good, but he's not a recovering addict like I am. His insights into all sorts of aspects of my life have been invaluable.

    My Wife: Although she hasn't yet been able to assist my recovery in ask the ways I need, she's getting there slowly. But she's a rock in so many other ways. She's a warm and loving person and the yin to my yang. When the rest of my foundation is no longer there, she (hopefully) will be.

    My Yoga and Meditation: Nothing has done a better job of helping me stay afloat on a day-to-day basis more than my practice and what I am able to recall from it each day and each individual struggle.

    Craig and Matt: These two gentlemen, through their video and audio podcasts have really given me the strength to open up to others about my problem in detail. They have truly made me feel like I and my problems are far from unique.

    This Group: While I am fairly new to NoFap, I'm already considering it a valuable resource tool in exposing the darkness of my secret and suffocating it in the light.

    My Best Friend: A month ago, I never would have imagined opening up to him. Now our friendship has strengthened and he is a small, but albeit growing accountability partner.

    My Daily Plan: I'm not as reliable with this ad I should be, but each day I try to meditate for a few minutes, ask myself what I want to get out of that day, and figure out at what times during the day I anticipate I'll struggle and what I plan to do to avoid a problem.

    My Carrot and Stick: My carrot is getting a new yoga mat. My stick is giving my credit cards to my wife so that I won't be able to buy morning coffee or donut.

    My Calendar: I've started keeping a calendar making my success level as well as whether I've completed my Daily Plan and whether or not I've practiced yoga that day.

    My Filters and Locks: I've edited this post to include my internet filters and the lock code I asked my wife to put on our pay channels' heavier content. These help greatly on a daily basis.

    At one point, my foundation only consisted of four of these things. When three of them faltered (wife got sick, I got injured and couldn't do yoga, etc), I felt lost and weak and faltered as well.

    With my foundation now growing and strengthening, I feel I can face moments of weakness much more empowered.

    HTH,
    BreatheDeeply
     
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2017
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  15. DIYAS1

    DIYAS1 Fapstronaut

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    Can you post a link to these guys?
     
  16. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    I've found that I DO NOT agree with everything they say or their approach to everything, but certainly enough to be beneficial to me. Keep in mind that they also both sell products (life coaching, etc), but this is a fairly small part of their overall message and I don't find it distracting.

    I started with Episode 1 with Matt and am working through from there. His website and podcast can be found here:
    http://recoveredman.com

    I can't give you a link to Craig Perra's videos as I have YouTube blocked on my phone. But you can find them by simply searching his name on YouTube. His website is http://www.themindfulhabit.com

    I would encourage you to give either of them a reasonable amount of time before making a decision about them.

    Personally, I like Craig better. He really gets it.
     
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  17. DIYAS1

    DIYAS1 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, I will give them a look.
     
  18. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    I've got internet filters on my work computer, my home computer and my smartphone.

    I was initially using K9 and was fairly happy with it. It was the first one I tried, was free, and fairly configurable. Then came the blue screens of death in Windows. This is a real problem and certainly wasn't going to work at the office. Fortunately, I was running Windows 10 and it was advanced enough to point me right to K9 as the problem. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any updates and the company seems to have been acquired by Symamtec (Norton). Ug.

    I tried Norton as well, but didn't like the interface or the configuration. Worst of all was how it caused apps that used to open in 20-25 seconds to take over two minutes to load. I repeatedly tried to get support from them, but just as was my experience 15 years ago with Norton, they are absolutely horrible. Their tech support takes forever to interact with you and their cookie-cutter responses have you wasting literally hours of time. In the end, the problem continued to exist and so I dumped them.

    I also gave NetNanny a try, but it just isn't designed to keep adults off of porn sites. It's born out of protection for kids and seems like they have sideways migrated to providing more coverage and options rather than being built from the ground up. Again, I wasted weeks trying to evaluate the program and found it lacking.

    I'm now with Covenant Eyes. I tried them early on, but thought they slowed my computer down dramatically. Later I learned that Windows was performing background operations that had nothing to do with CE. I've since reinstalled the program on all devices and have not really noticed any lag time or problems at all. The reporting feature regarding the individual pages I have visited is a bit clumsy to wade through, but it's all there. So far, so good. I've been happy with it and feel like I'm getting my $13/month's worth.

    I did have an interesting experience recently where a number of websites that got flagged were brought to my wife's attention and which led to some distress on her part. Some of them were 'webchat' or dating websites. Fortunately, she brought them to my attention fairly quickly and I was able to track down what had happened...

    In one case, I had installed the Microsoft Jigsaw Puzzle app. This program was generating a dating website advertisement (like eHarmony) which I clicked on in order to try to mute it, but instead, it opened a new tab in my browser. I thought nothing of it at the time, but obviously had some explaining to do. Why the heck had I been on that site? Was I not happy with my wife? No. It was actually a coincidence. By itself, it might have been more suspicious, however...

    What caused even more of a problem was a movie streaming site. No doubt it was hosted overseas (from the US) and due to the nature of it displaying movies illegally (non-porn but new releases, etc), it also hosted advertisement services for 'questionable' content sites. Even though I had an adblocker on my browser, I had to disable it to get the movies to play. Whenever I clicked on a movie to start, a popup would open and I would close it before it had a chance to load. Covenant Eyes, however, was catching the URL of each one and obviously, many of them looked inappropriate. While they were were not porn sites, the URL names didn't look safe. In the case of these URLs, most were reported as having been visited for "less than one minute." This correlated with my closing the windows right away. However, there was one site which reported that I had visited it for 90 minutes. While I had no recollection of a tab for that site being opened, the time frame did correlate with the amount of time I had been on the site. I have since blacklisted that site and have told my wife that I will not frequent it any longer so as to avoid this issue in the future.

    HTH,
    BreatheDeeply
     
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  19. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    I have really enjoyed reading through your journal, as it has in fact caused me to re-evaluate what a relapse is for me.

    Interesting post on your experience with filters. I began with CyberSitter back in 2000. I have come to the conclusion that filters never really worked for me, but the caveat I would add for myself is that if my wife felt more secure, I would use them for the accountability.

    Since those days, I do not use a filter. There are times I do think a filter would have saved me, but at best, filters prolong recovery.

    Take what I write with a grain of salt as I have not exactly been a poster-child for a successful recovery.

    Have a great weekend.
     
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  20. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    New Focus,

    Thanks for the feedback.

    Regarding filters, what I've really come away with is this: Hardcore porn, while I do miss it, was not the real problem. The real problem for me is edging to whatever I can get my hands on (or make up in my head). So when I was filtering only XXX websites, that wasn't very effective. When I started holding myself accountable to searches on Google Images and YouTube, I really started taking my recovery to a new level. It opened my eyes significantly to how far I was willing to search for what I needed. By taking those things out, my edging has become MUCH less intense and MUCH less satisfying. I would have a real hard time getting off today to what I limit myself to. It wouldn't be impossible, just a lot harder.

    Regarding the wife... I'm working on repairing the damage I've done to her and us, but that will take a while. After too many relapses and lies, I realize that the ONLY things that will help now are time, and the examples I set through my actions. She certainly needs to help herself before she can help me, but I cannot let her level of readiness prevent me from moving forward on my own. As I stated in a previous post, she is one of the parts of my foundation, but having all of the other parts there are important for the times she can't be.

    Thanks again,
    BreatheDeeply
     
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