Boys, Bags, & Heels: Sex, Seduction, & Manipulating Sugar-Daddies for Expensive Fashion

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Jamie_K_, Jun 13, 2018.

  1. Jamie_K_

    Jamie_K_ Fapstronaut

    I am a petite, very feminine 22 year old transgendered woman who has been on NoFap (with two handles @Jamie_K_ and an earlier @Jamie_K ). I am glad NoFap added this category as it describes my issues much better than "porn-addiction".
    I am a recovering sex addict, and frankly, my use of porn was not so much to "get off" but rather to come up with ideas I could do with my boyfriends and sugar-daddies.
    And I had them because my real and true deep-seated addiction is with compulsive fashion and obtaining it by any means.

    My 3 main challenges, all interlinked and interwoven, are / were
    (1) sex addiction, (2) compulsive fashion shopping and (3) using porn for ideas and motivation in real-life, acting-out scenarios with one or more men.

    I have overcome my sex addiction by abstaining from dating anyone for the past almost-year (I only just started back dating again recently). But being away from the continual positive-reinforcement feed of sex and men admiring me was very necessary. I needed to stop being an object and learn to be a person.

    My compulsive fashion-shopping is now mostly under control, but it was the HARDEST thing to give up and get in control about. It was/is so easy to find a wealthy and generous sugar-daddy (or, in my case, multiple SD's buying me stiff all the time). These guys would provide massive shopping sprees in return for
    sex, fantasy sex, fetish fulfillmnet, and I wanted the stuff so much that it was easy to give these older guys that wild-n-crazy fantasy life with a tiny sexy submissive (but massively manipulative) Asian sugar-baby. So, learning to (i) stop using and manipulating men to buy me expensive things, and to (ii) stop thinking of myself as a walking Asian Barbie-doll in the latest outfits and heels
    has been the most difficult thing to do. Really. Giving up men and sex was easier than giving up shopping. Guys have NO IDEA the costs of things ---- a good LV bag is $5k, a Birkin bag in +$50k!!! Louboutin or Zanotti heels run from $1k to $5k per pair!!!! And Tiffany jewelry? The sky is not even the limit!!! So I stopped the sugar-daddy gigs. Yet, once I stopped dating sugar-daddies (about 14 months ago) in order to keep my habit of expensive fashion consumption going I briefly went back to another old bad-habit --- and that was to do
    live, online Chaterbate sex shows to get that extra spending money (the money is easy and flows in great quantities). I made enough each week on only a few well-timed shows to easily purchase tons of pretty heels and bags and stuff. Yet, I gave that up, again, as it was just wrong and I found my "private" sessions I did for paying customers posted all over on the common porn-sites for men, and it is impossible to get your videos off the internet once they go viral. One of the guys I worked with actually mentioned "I saw you on porn site last night...." and began to creep me out.
    But I quit and I now have that under control too. No need for tons of limitless fashion.

    Lastly, I have totally conquered the porn-as-motivation for acting-out with lovers. I can't go into it deeply here, but suffice to say THAT was really easy once I got past about 45 days on no PMO>

    Anyway, that is a pretty boring post. LOL.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 22, 2018
  2. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

    @Jamie_K_ I think you have been doing pretty well tbh. Ive followed your posts over the last year and feel you have managed a lot without the need of recovery groups etc. Well done.

    Like everyone here, we suffer from behavioural addictions. These are the hardest to give up as there is no right or wrong with behavioural addictions and everyone is different. We have to shop to some extent so you cant give it up completely...

    Well done!
    Saskia Simone, Kenzi and Jamie_K_ like this.
  3. Jamie_K_

    Jamie_K_ Fapstronaut

    ThanQ so much @Dr_prof , that is so sweet of you to reach out and say so. It has NOT been easy, ESPECIALLY the shopping part. Giving up guys was pretty easy --- the ones I picked were jerks (the hunks) or weak (the sugar daddies) and they added nothing to my life. I guess I was in the mode of "Fries before Guys", LOL.
    Now I am starting to date good people, and the difference is amazing....but going really slow on that front. Once i gave up guys for a year, the need for P was non-existent, as I didn't need ideas to "act-out".

    But the addiction to expensive fashion???? Oh My GAWD!!!! I was like a crack addict or something. I was so so so hooked on obtaining the latest and cutest of everything, and sadly, I used (yes, right word: USED) lost and lonely wealthy married cheating men to get things I wanted, and in return I provide what they thought they needed. In hindsight I was a total manipulator and selfish beyond imagining ---- but that is behind me forever.

    I sold all my ill-gotten goods on eBay, etc after a suggestion made here on Nofap by the ever-wise and always loved (and occasionally brutally honest-for-my-own-good) @D . J . ...and I donated the proceeds to Houston charities. I guess it helped wash away the guilt as well as doing right by others. I still do volunteer work even though i am full-time at school now. It was the best idea ever!!!

    I am happy now. Back in school, finishing up a degree that will launch me into my dreams. Two years ago I was just hitting clubs at night, meeting sugar daddies on shopping trips, and loading up my closet in my townhouse (also paid for by you-know-who'sies!) from Rodeo Drive, 5th Ave, London, Paris, Rome, etc etc.
    I was pretty on the outside and totally hollow and heartless (yeah, I hate saying that but it is true....I faked relationships routinely) on the inside.
    Now? I am same inside and out. Happy. Working hard towards dreams :)

    FASHION ADDICTION and IMPULSE SHOPPING are attempts to cover the real person with fake signals ---- the glitz and glam couldn't hide the true me from had to stop.

    Thank you for following my babbling narratives and posts over the past years ---- that is so cool, and u r so sweet :)
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018
  4. u376

    u376 Fapstronaut

    376 days...........really inspiring
    god bless you
    do well in your will sure give you inner peace
  5. Jamie_K_

    Jamie_K_ Fapstronaut

    ThanQ @udit376 for reaching out and your encouraging words of support. I appreciate you :) I wish you success in your efforts as well.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Glad to hear that you are doing well and came back!
    Saskia Simone likes this.
  7. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut


    No worries my fellow fapstronaut. You have tremendous support here on Nofap and are well liked - who else has 13 posts and over 900 likes :) LOL

    I think you as well as others on here have done amazing things. We all have to be humble. Having been in recovery groups over 15 years (SAA/SLAA) I know when someone is doing well. You are one of them :)
    Hitto likes this.
  8. Jamie_K_

    Jamie_K_ Fapstronaut

    Awwwwwwww <blushing>, ThanQ. There are so many wonderful people here (and a few Neanderthals) ...I learn so much from everyone and their experiences.
    Well, thank you. I think I have this "sense of urgency" that if I do not get my life in order soon, and fast, that my window of opportunity to grow and change and become better will close and the bad habits I developed will become permanent habits that I can't break. Hence, I am like crazy-serious about fixing me first AND driving in a more positive direction in life.
    The stuff I was doing was really crazy shit. It was obsessive. And dangerous physically and emotionally. STD's? Violent lovers? Also, the collateral damage of causing affairs and break-ups. Between the age of
    17 and now (I am 22) I had 9 (yes, 9) serious sugar-daddy relationships with older (mostly married) men providing me every imaginable luxury I could want. In return I was this forbidden-fruit fantasy that allowed them to live out their dreams. Making love in luxury-hotel suites, midnight rendezvous, having a pretty bit of eye-candy to take to dinner or parties, and just dressing me up in the fashions or lingerie they thought worked to bring out my best sensual side. Being a sugar-baby seemed, at first, like living the Princess life but it was hollow shallow and ethically and morally wrong.
    I look back on it now and know that I caused (at least) 3 divorces. The math on that? ---> Six adults and seven children in aggregate have different lives because of the role I played in seducing the 3 adult men from their money and their wives and family. <---I hate knowing that. I am ashamed of myself.

    But I have grown and it will never happen again. I never want to be that person again. Ever.
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2018
  9. Jamie_K_

    Jamie_K_ Fapstronaut

    K_E_N_Z_I !!!!! The GoDDeSS of REALITY!!!! My role model.

    I am well, really healthy, and glad I came back. That one bigot on my last account just chased and bullied and bludgeoned me out of NoFap hurt me deeply ---- but never again!!! LOL

    Oh boo, I am so happy we have reconnected .....I missed your crazy-ass wit and capacity to hit the point on target. You really are the fighter I try to emulate. Tenacious. Stubborn as f+<k. Hopeful and at the same time determined to grind in the mud to push forward. Motivated by LOVE. You run on LOVE!!!
    You @Kenzi are this amazing blend of so many strengths in all your posts and all our chats --- I said it before ---- like a combo of Oprah, Michelle Obama, Lara Croft, my favorite auntie, BatGirl (I think you must be BatGirl), and Notorious RGB all rolled up. I wanna hang with you!!!! I wanna be like you.
    Love ya!!! XOXO
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2018
    Jennica likes this.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I can just see the glitter filled posters next time I'm out that way... Lol... They speak of shoes and Frappuccino.
    All good things.
    All good things :)
  11. ShockTheSystem

    ShockTheSystem Fapstronaut

    @Jamie_K_, you can’t put all of the blame on yourself. Those people were in control of their own actions too for whatever reasons they had to do.

    I have been on the other side and recently spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on a cam girl, phone sex girl, along with “donations” for both and not receiving anything ever in return except for temporary comfort and empty fantasies. I deeply regret my actions and this urge and desire put me into a deep financial peril but now I have to get out of it and learned that I’m glad I did not physically do anything(although what I did is still wrong) but I didn’t push the limits and end up in a worse situation.
  12. Jamie_K_

    Jamie_K_ Fapstronaut

    ThanQ @ShockTheSystem I appreciate your reaching out and saying so. I know this in a way, but also know that men -- especially older, lonely, married men---can be very vulnerable if not helpless when a younger attractive woman sets her sights on them. I feel in some ways like a predator yet I know that there are men with higher morals and self control that would not succumb to flirtation like those guys. I am more focused on the true victims of their cheating --- their wives and children.
    Trust me, while in hindsight it seems so stupid, I bet at the time it seemed so necessary for you, for whatever reasons. Guilt is so easy to weigh on us after time has passed.

    Thank you for sharing your story as well. It is a VERY UNFAIR game that gets PLAYED between older men and younger women....and the sad part is that the men usually are the only ones that get the blame. Women in these cases are either (1) victim or (2) perpetrator of the activities. The loudest feminist voices screaming about men being "pigs" and such because of affairs seemingly leave out the fact that there was another WOMAN involved. It takes TWO to hurt a third person (or more), yet men get the brunt of the blame.

    I am saying it clearly: I am to blame too. If not equally to blame, possibly more to blame, because these men just lost their judgment and morals when faced with the enticement of something very intriguing and taboo in our society -- a petite, feminine, Asian trans-woman. It is not easy being a guy with all the weight of the world on ones shoulders. Then some pretty little crazy thang shows up, rocks his world, and messes up his wiring when he has a lapse in judgment. We girls know it, and take advantage of it, and then act like we were never aware of the consequences. That is BS when a gold-digging woman acts innocent -- the fact is, I targeted these men for money so I could buy expensive fashion and baubles and stuff. They were pretty helpless once it was unfolding.

    I am to blame too. Yeah, they are, but they had no idea this little thing was such a focused danger to their sanity, judgment, and marriage until it was too late.

    You're a good person for sharing and observing what you have for me. I thank you so much.
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
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  13. Jamie_K_

    Jamie_K_ Fapstronaut

    You are always giving me the coolest ideas!!!!
    It would be fun to do 5th Ave or Rodeo Dr shopping and eating and gossiping and checking out all the cute guys. Glitter included....!!!

    Love ya XOXOXO !!!!!!!!!!!!!
  14. tweeby

    tweeby Fapstronaut

    I didn't read everything, but just skimmed through.

    Now, I'm all sure we've done things or said things we later regret. So no one should judge you for being a 'homewrecker.'

    ^But here's what I think, if those guys cheated on their wives, then they probably would have cheated with anyone. You just happened to be the one they were cheating with.

    Second, I think a lot of your behaviour, can be attributed to 'acting out' or your 'voyage of self discovery.' I mean it can't be easy to go through that process especially when society / friends / family are largely unaware of the thoughts and emotions you KNOW you are feeling. Typically, a trans-gendered individual blows it up outta control or goes the opposite - hides it from everyone - to begin with of course, I don't believe either of those are the real you.

    So, anyway, that is all in the past. And you probably realise you want to settle down and find 'the one' but doing so in a way that doesn't affect the lives of others, and that's awesome.

    Good luck. Oh and I'm totally into Buddhism too.
    Kenzi likes this.
  15. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

    Get to know Dave Ramsey.
  16. Jamie_K_

    Jamie_K_ Fapstronaut

    You are right about that. They were super vulnerable and open to any options, I think.
    It was, absolutely no doubt about it. You nailed it. Realizing my new-found feminine and seductive "powers" over men was like a drug. I realized this in my early teens as I sneaked into str8 clubs in Houston, dating college boys and older, but by the time I hit 16/17 years of age I had the game (flirting and seducing) down cold, and the feeling was like some addictive drug (it was, dopamine) was like crack cocaine -- the hit I took from watching guys swoon was a totally and immediately addictive. I was hooked, and my ability to "play" men, especially older lonely guys, was irrefutable. I was amazingly good at it. I loved the power, I loved the spoiling, I loved the sex, the romance, and the skills and techniques of seduction. Masculine men always used to scare the crap out of me because they were bigger and more powerful than tiny me, and here I was, all of a sudden, able to control them and manipulate them and get them to do what I wanted ---- little itty-bitty me. It was intoxicating. Sad, huh??
    I went all-out once I decided to go in the direction I took. I was boy crazy always, and started dating in my earliest teen years. But, you are right. Now that I am in control of myself I have taken all that back to a normal appetite ---so neither were the "real me".
    Effectively I think I used men to reinforce my femininity. Their inability to push back or resist reinforced my own needs to assert that I was indeed a pretty girl, a seductress, and I went all out to become what they desired.
    I molded myself on what they wanted me to be for years.
    Now? I am molding myself to be what I want to be.
    It is, all in the past, forever.
    I definitely want to just find "the one", my soulmate, fall in love forever, and marry and live out a normal life with him. I am done with being the party girl. I wanna be the girl of some nice mans dreams, and make a life together.
    Normal happy life :)

    Thank you for reaching out and providing such encouraging words and insights. I really appreciate that you took the time to write to me @tweeby :)

    It is such a peaceful path to travel, isn't it? I wish you peace and love.
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
  17. tweeby

    tweeby Fapstronaut

    I still think we've got a long way to go in terms of society being totally accepting of people and who they are, but as long as the good pave the way it's all gravy!

    And yes, Buddhism is definitely a peaceful path, I was brought up Catholic, or should I say, indoctrinated, aren't all religions that way heh?
    Some bits of Catholicism I agree with, some I don't.

    But luckily we are self aware individuals and we're able to react to life situations in ways that foster compassion and love. Most of us just need to 'wake the fuck up.'

    Kenzi likes this.
  18. Jamie_K_

    Jamie_K_ Fapstronaut

    So very true. The behaviors and rhetoric in American society over the past 1.5 years has brought out a side of society that I thought was relegated to the past --- but bigotry and hatred of "the others" is alive and well, and frightening. Even on NoFap, I am amazed at the open and willing bigotry and name-calling that happens, and the tolerance that the site has to allow such things.
    Agree!!!! I think it was MLK who said, in effect, Darkness is pushed back by Light, and Hate is pushed back by Love....people of all colors and races and religions and sexuality should ALL enjoy the benefits of society, not just the historically privileged few.
    Agree as well. Sadly, making someone aware does not necessarily change behavior. Awareness should lead to introspection, should lead to internal change for the better, and then lead to better habits. I wish that was always the case.

    I enjoy your thoughts. :)
  19. tweeby

    tweeby Fapstronaut

    I don't live in the US, I'm in the UK. . . But *this* lack of enlightenment for want of a better word, is prevalent amongst most cultures, and demographics. IMO it stems from ignorance and fear rather than hate.

    What you are observing on nofap on a day to day basis is curious, because the most of the folk here are probably in your shoes but haven't yet become 'self aware.'

    Christ go ahead and read the Trudeau's eyebrows thread it's a train wreck.

    I mean, this is kinda like a black African American inciting racial hatred at a Klu Klux Klan rally. There are two ways to react to this. . . Fall on the floor laughing with side splitting hysterics, or square up to them.

    ^I'd opt for the most OBVIOUS option

    IMO that's why I think so much bigotry is allowed to filter through without much intervention. It's probably helpful to them for their own journey of self discovery. It's amusing for casual observers but kinda sad for those involved - just keep that in mind before you react, but you seem like you're pretty switched on. That's why I'm readjusting how I interact with people on a day to day basis here. So far, it's proving difficult! You can only save so many.

    Additionally, I'm not sure if you know this, but despite the bigotry you're experiencing, you're in fact paving and seeding the way for individuals on here, who desperately want to be in a place where you are now - happy and confident in your own skin. Don't ever forgot that.

    P.S thanks for the likes!
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
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  20. Jamie_K_

    Jamie_K_ Fapstronaut

    I think you are right about this....very good perspective
    Isn't all that INSANE!? Geez.
    Brilliant perspective. Thank you.

    Hve a great weekend. Hope it is nice :)
    Kenzi likes this.

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