Boyfriend's porn/fap induced ED

It's awesome you are here and so invested in his recovery.

That being said, if he isn't ready there's nothing you will do to help.

Do a week long getaway somewhere with no Internet access and lay in bed for a week. See how it goes

 

Try learning the facts yourself and presenting them to him when the opportunity is right. Watch the YBOP and Great Porn Experiment videos, possibly with him in the room, and then ask him questions about it later.

As you can see here and other places, PMO is one of the most dangerous drugs out there: highly addictive, easily accessible, massively time consuming, rewires the brain, strains relationships, causes ED, and mostly acceptable by society.

You may be the only help he gets but realize that you won't be able change him on your own. Learn what you can, give him what he can take, and hope for the best. Nofap can liberate him.

Wish you well.

 

As for the sensitivity question this may be caused by "death-gripping". Google it, but basically squeezing the penis (especially the tip) tightly during PMO. I know for me this makes it hard to have regular sex because no vagina can compare to that death grip. This also causes ED, but if he is doing it too much it could be making the penis sensitive and sex un-enjoyable.

The other thing (which I hesitate to bring up) is that he may not be truthful about how often he PMOs. I know I lie about it or down play it when questioned and for me if I PMO say twice in a day or a few times in a couple of days I am in pain and sex would be VERY uncomfortable. Also add in the shame, guilt and so on...

 

Is this it is probably right. He is most likely pmo'ing more than he's saying, especially if it's so sensitive. I know that has definitely been the case for me in the past. And when pmo addicts are asked to stop for a period of time, they are usually unable to. I'm not saying these things apply to him, but if he's addicted, they probably do. As to the reluctance, it's really, really hard to accept that you have a problem, especially in today's society where porn & porn references are e-ver-y-where. If he cannot orgasm during sex, but can with porn, then he has a problem. Every single guy in here has experienced the same thing. You should ask him to at least read up on the symptoms/effects, and compare them to his own experiences. When I first did (7 years ago), I openly wept, and I am Not a crying man. Hope this helps. Stay positive. The best thing is that you're so very supportive, an ability which is rare in this area.

 

Jaydom, I applaud your efforts for trying to help your bf. I think some of the other comments about your bf wanting to stop it before he can seriously attempt it are true; until and unless he recognizes he has a problem he will not be able to address his problem, whether he calls it an addiction or compulsion or whatever. I call my problem an addiction because it helps to identify the problem as one that can be addressed, as opposed to some vague undefined problem. I an uncertain from your post exactly how to conceptualize your bf's issue. You mention a fapping problem, but your post is in a porn addiction forum, and while both potentially sexual addiction/compulsion problems, they do not have to be one in the same. I had some of the problems your bf has. I began my recovery about 18 months ago, and got much more serious about 4 months ago. My problem was porn masturbation orgasm, or PMOing. Like your bf I could not orgasm with my wife. My wife asked me to address the problem as it was badly effecting her self esteem in that I could not orgasm with her, but could with P. But...I lied to her, lied to myself, told her I was quitting, probably meant it, but did not for a while take the serious steps of recognizing I had a problem, getting educated, and using the tools that sites like this represent. One of the tools of my recovery is to read posts, and respond. I also use porn blockers, which I used to think were ridiculous, but I now see are a valuable tool that will not stop me from seeing P if I want to, but slows me down and gives me a moment to pause and remind myself that I am in the process of attempting to completely stop PMOing. I suspect your bf is lying to you about the seriousness of his problem, meaning he probably does it much more than he is admitting to you. That is very common; before a recovery of PMO addiction occurs the guy (or sometime woman) lie to themselves about having a problem. We think we are in control, but are not. I appreciate that you don't have a problem with your bf PMOing, but, respectfully, maybe you should. Part of your bf's problem is his inability to O with you, and that is a problem for you. For me, I began 18 months ago and could not O with my wife. Now I only O with my wife, not every single time, but 95% of the time when we have sex, and so about twice a week for months now. I still have PMO urges, but don't act on them, and my sexuality is by a lot of standards normal. But...and this is important for you and your bf to understand...I could not have gotten here keeping PMO in my life. It looks like you have more education than your bf, and if so you must know that your bf's brain has rewired itself to prefer porn. I know you have no problem with porn itself, and frankly, neither do I, on a moral level. Maybe it is more accurate to say the morality of porn does not effect how I deal with the problem of porn addiction in my life. But I do know this, to the human brain, at least for some of us, porn is a drug. If your boyfriend could not have normal sex because of a drug I am sure you would not be fine with him taking the drug, but would want to get him off of it. I would not go to your bf with a morality lecture, but with a more forensic, scientific, approach. Tell him porn is a drug that is adversely effecting his life and his relationship with you, tell him you want him to stop using the drug. I can see you are very supportive of him, to the extent of allowing him to keep his PMO habit but, my wife was the same for a while until she realized it was effecting my ability to have normal sexual relations with her, and then she asked me to stop. If he is serious, he won't try and stop cold turkey, he will get a plan, first get educated, understand about rewiring brain chemistry, and use the tools that are available for him to avoid porn. If he is like me, and some others, the beginning of the process of quitting PMO is to divorce the P from the MO, which will over time reduce all of it. Recovery is a process, not an event. He will have failures along the way, but with work, and a bit of luck, those failure will be first days, then weeks, then months, then years between times. I have not watched P for a while now, and have not compulsively MOed for months, or maybe longer than a year, and I am back to Oing only with my wife. But first, you both have to realize that your bf's brain chemistry has been altered by P, and that if wants to get his brain back to normal, he has to break the PMO cycle. Good luck.

 

The porn makes him less able to get his erections and truly enjoy the sex. But there might also be another problem.

Because you want him to be hard and enjoy it (which is very, VERY logical) he might consciently or unconsciently feel "pressured" to get it up. This can make it even more difficuly for him. It could even lead to a point where he doesn't want to have sex because he is afraid to "fail".

Remember that we are men and that we have our pride, so he might not admit this or he might not even be aware of this. However, this could also be a problem next to his porn.

 

With me performance anxiety, failure to get or maintain an erection with a girl led into chronic porn and masturbation. I used porn to 'prove' I could get an erection. I dont know which came first to be honest, was the lifelong porn the reason for my performance anxiety in the first place? Its a vicious circle.
I feel that refraining from penetrative sex or even you going near his cock would help. Focus on massages and just touching and exploring each other. If he gives you oral, let him, but tell him there is no way he is going to to have penetrstive sex with you. This will really ease the pressure he is putting himself under and with the ease in pressure comes enjoyment and the erections. Google sensate focussing. It works, im talking from experience. With me though, all the good work was undermined by the porn addiction and its only now im recovering. Good luck

 

I can relate to what you are saying, good advice!