Boyfriend admitted to a porn addiction — what do I do?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Zigiferous_rex, Sep 24, 2018.

  1. Zigiferous_rex

    Zigiferous_rex New Fapstronaut

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    Sorry if this doesn’t belong here; I was directed from Reddit /nofap


    Over the past year I’ve seen indications that my boyfriend (33) has a porn addiction. Secret accounts, changing tabs when I enter the room, telling me things like “suck my dick like they do in porn,” etc.


    For awhile I rationalized this as, “every guy watches porn, NBD.” But, when I would bring these things up to him, telling him, for example, that I found his fake accounts creepy, and that his extensive searches for “pawgs” were making me feel insecure, he would apologize, and say he wouldn’t do it anymore.


    And yet the clues just kept popping up.


    I did something dishonest this week; I looked at his phone. Wrong, I know. Tons of searches for “big girl” porn. Like, a lot. I’m an athletic woman. I work hard to stay fit. We exercise regularly together. To find this “fetish” (?) for overweight women just about broke my heart. I’ve never felt worse about my own body, or trusted him less. He tells me, “I love all women’s body types.” If so, why are there so many searches for excessively and exclusively “thick” women? Is this another lie?


    I just don’t know what to do. He did half-heartedly admit he has has a poem addiction, and has “been working on it.” He says he can’t quit cold turkey. And, even if he addresses the issue of porn addiction, and finds help, I don’t know that I can trust him again. I also don’t think I’ll ever be able to unsee the searches I found in his phone. The searches that objectify women by classifying them by their “phat asses.”


    Should I just break up and move on?
     
  2. some_chick

    some_chick Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry you're going through this. In my opinion, it is not necessarily the porn addiction itself that means you should break up with him, but more his attitude in general (though obviously the porn addiction is damaging to the relationship). Telling you to "suck his dick like they do in porn" is extremely rude and degrading. If a guy said that to me I would walk out and let him finish himself. In addition, he does not seem to be actively trying to stop. He told the truth because he was caught - and even then, he only did so "half-heartedly" according to your own words. At the end of the day he is not acting out of love but out of selfishness. He is not genuinely trying to be honest or make improvements. And what does he mean he "can't" quit cold turkey? He simply means he does not care to even try despite how it is making you feel.

    It's one thing to date someone who feels terrible that their addiction has caused you pain and is actively trying to stop. It's another altogether for him to continue lying, make excuses and refuse to even try. But the choice is yours.
     
  3. Zigiferous_rex

    Zigiferous_rex New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. He became angry with me when I brought it up; told me I was overreacting and that why couldn’t I be “carefree.”

    He also told me that I now “control” him, apparently for asking him to address his addiction. These are not good signs.
     
  4. some_chick

    some_chick Fapstronaut

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    That is gaslighting and is behavior used by abusers all the time. Not saying your boyfriend is abusive but that's a very common tactic used by narcissists. Please be careful with this guy, I would definitely urge you to leave.
     
  5. Pinetree

    Pinetree Fapstronaut

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    Ugh ... I fear I'm gonna be the bad guy in this discussion ...

    That may be true. Look, I don't know how honest your BF is, I can't read his mind, but this is the nature of all addictions, which I have extensively researched.

    And you can find examples in many forum posts and journals posted by people trying to give up their addiction. If you read the journals it sounds like they are liars, in the sense that they promise they'll stop and they don't.

    It's not that he wants to be dishonest, but this is what happens, because that's the nature of addiction.

    If my gf asked me to do something she saw in a movie, I'd try to do it, even if I didn't like it personally. This is just personal and please don't take this as a suggestion about what girls should do or not do.


    To be honest, we may be able to find some degree of "controlledness" in your behaviour. Maybe we could find a word which is less strong, but that's the general idea.

    No reason to assume it's a lie.

    Except that it doesn't objectify women, and it doesn't classify women, but it objectifies asses and classifies asses.

    And most men have interests in certain parts of women's bodies. But that usually doesn't prevent a relationship to the "whole" (I said "usually", maybe sometimes it does).

    Personally, I also like asses and I have a preffered shape, it can be described, but it's more complicated, I don't have a google search word for it. But I'm not going to choose or dump a relationship for that reason, that would be ridiculous.

    That sadly is usually true, there's a lot of information proving this. It takes a lot of time and effort to be able to quit and not everybody is succesful.

    Fact is you obviously have strong feelings that are difficult to overcome.

    And also there seems to be a disagreement between what you want him to do about his porn addiction and what he wants to do.

    However my point still is that a good relationship should be possible when the guy watches porn. But that's theory, you have to make your own choices about your life.
     
  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Welcome @Zigiferioous,
    It belongs here...
    Well, if the rest doesn't do it, the last one sure did. That's attractive! "...suck my dick like they do in porn..." Well, that is a very tall order. Where do you suppose that you begin?
    Wouldn't do it anymore huh? There's another example of an addict making promises they either cannot or will not keep.
    This is his addiction. Do not for a minute believe that this is about you. This is his fetish.
    I highly doubt it. Quitting cold turkey is pretty much unheard of. Not impossible, but very highly improbable.
    A very normal reaction on your part.
    That is for certain. You can't unsee it just like you can't unring a bell. What's done is done.
    Well, unfortunately, none of us can tell you that. What I can tell you is that you have to do some self soul searching and decide if this is a relationship you want to continue. You have no obligations. He is a boyfriend and not a spouse. Do you have anything tying you down such as children, mutual financial interests? Then you have to take those into consideration.
    I believe the best course of action is to create your Boundaries & Consequences and enforce them. That will render the decision whether to stay or leave easy because then his actions and ownership of the problem dictates what reaction you have. If you want/need help with those, let me know, and I'll help you.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  7. hurt_

    hurt_ Fapstronaut

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    I watched porn behind my girlfriend's back even after I promised her there would be no more. I didn't think I could quit cold turkey then but I believe everyone can now. It comes down to what he really wants in life I think. There are different reasons we lie to our loved ones and maybe if you really really talk with him you may find out if/why he lies.
     

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