Boyfriend a Recovering Porn Addict and Trying to Figure Out Our "Set Point" for Engagement.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by smuckers743, Mar 29, 2019.

  1. smuckers743

    smuckers743 Fapstronaut

    15
    14
    3
    Hello eveyone!

    So, interesting situation currently. There's a lot of history to this, but I'll try to keep the initial post shorter, can provide details as needed. General is that I'm in a serious relationship with my boyfriend, who is fighting porn addiction and such. We've been talking about engagement/marriage and all that fun stuff, and we're super excited. But I have had to make sure to keep myself leveled through this all. He is a fantastic man, he has grown a lot through this journey, he is not perfect, but I see what he is doing. I had a realization that I want him to be at a "set point", kind of a goal, before we move to getting engaged. I know that this will be something that he will struggle with, it happens for you guys (I'm sorry), but I just feel that our further relationship would be healthier and easier to combat these things if it's to a certain level.
    If I've been clear on this, we're both trying to figure out what this "set point" would be or look like. I don't exactly know, as it's not something I personally struggle with. So I'm seeking the help of you guys. Thank you so much for the feedback, we really appreciate it.
     
  2. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Good for you for wanting to protect yourself before going into marriage with him. Consider yourself lucky to have known about the issue in time to do that, too. Many SO's didn't have such an advantage. I would say whatever you decide your 'set point' is, it should be multi-faceted...possibly to include not only a certain amount of time without relapse, but also several completed steps of recovery work, consistent honesty, notable behavioral changes, etc. I know of some couples who just set a time line of continued sobriety as their set point, and IMO, that alone is really risky and not enough to prove anything. Addicts can abstain from addictive behavior for periods of time without getting anywhere in recovery, especially if they know there's an endpoint. I think it should include consistent effort in real recovery work, whether it's a 12-step, support groups, having an AP, journaling, therapy, and/or whatever else shows the desire for change and recovering from the addiction for good, beyond just abstaining from the behavior.

    Stay strong and continue to protect yourself. I think you're very wise for going about it this way.
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2019
  3. smuckers743

    smuckers743 Fapstronaut

    15
    14
    3
    Thank you for your reply!

    I think you are completely correct in having it be multi-faceted. Because why wouldn't I want the security of him having a firm foundation in all of that instead of just one area . But the amazing thing is that he does have a good chunk of that covered. From the initial struggle and start before, I watched the ups and downs. It did start with the "false motivation" and him not doing everything he needed to. Since then, he's actually tackled changing himself and building up a collection of resources. He's got a couple accountability partners, blocking/monitoring software, church groups, reading materials, turning eyes and thoughts from physical temptations, and a bunch of other examples. So as far as taking steps and trying to get through this, he is on the right path. It really is about figuring out how to use these effectively now to get through each time that it gets rough. When I talked to him about this though, we both really didn't know what to make our goal. I still don't really know, I was debating about having both of us go to counseling and see what came from that. Fingers crossed we can figure this out, it's still a bunch of new territory to me.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  4. SodaSuds

    SodaSuds Fapstronaut

    11
    14
    3
    @smuckers743 it sounds like the two of you are doing a great job in communicating and he seems motivated to change. No PMO seems to be a very long journey and not necessarily something to dictate your love/commitment over.. how long have you two been on this journey together? I find that my no PMO goals and goals for our love life are a bit distinct from one another. While I intend to support him with his no PMO, I also have the goal of him being able to finish with me more easily and maintain an erection. I've realized overtime that those are my hard stops for our love life. While I'm willing to love an nurture someone through no PMO, I need a partner who is more enthusiastic and able to make love with me. Those may be two distinct things for some but not others. Which components are more important to you? First and foremost ensure that your needs are fulfilled.
     

Share This Page