Boy meets boy, Boy has PMO addiction.

>*Heliogabalus levels of lewds...!*

You're right tho, in several things. Sharing fears and insecurities can and has proven really strengthening in our relationship, and I'm glad we adopted that sincerity early on. I was forced to open up from the beginning since he logically asked in the first date "What do you do in life?" and it was either telling him the whole mess (slowly) or lying, and prior meeting him I had commited to not lie about my situation, specially with him, my first male relationship, as a game/challenge. Him being male has nothing to do with anything, the same as 1st of January is not really different than other days, but it's like a reference, like "First time we do this thing, let's do it right". BUT, there are healthy levels of sincerity, or "the good" sincerity vs. "the bad" sincerity. It's not about shoveling a lot of shit in his general direction just because, because I'm feeling down and I want to drag someone else with me, or throwing a pity-fest, and so on.

I also feel really happy that I'm not feeling any kind of envy towards him. He has cool education, seemingly cool friends (as far as I can tell from pictures) and more recently a job. And yet I feel I don't need anything he has. I was worried the differences between me and a "normal person" would be impossible to handle, but the more I am with him (and the more I work to improve myself), the more I feel I already AM a normal person, or the closest version possible to it. That feels me with hope and a curious urge to fondle a certain individual.

That might not be easy since the most absurd thing happened: he found a job. In Spain. As a researcher (assistant researcher, but science-y anyway). That's ludicrous. And wonderful. And also terrible since it's in a farther town and I miss him, and we barely talk.

The good thing is, I can refocus on my reboot. The bad thing is... my brain.

I keep having cheating fantasies.

Please, before you say anything, I'm the one who finds it most horrifying. I feel so fucking sick and wrong in the head. I feel evil, and not in a fun "Aha, I'm so powerful and bisexual and promiscuous and manipulative and bisexual bwahahah", no.
Evil as in "You are a so worthless piece of shit you may even hurt the only person who has loved you unconditionally. Come on, do it you faggot, burn everything, become broken beyond repair and let's get this done already"

But I have an advantage, I know why this happens. I know it's not about my ability to cheat (which is extraordinarily low btw). It's a mix between fear of commitment (fear of missing out I should better say) and, for the most part, the inner wish and objectification of women as temptation, as the wrong thing, the uncommon. And that comes from my inner insecurity and frustration stemming from being socially forced (or at least expected) to fulfill an arbitrary role as member of "the stronger sex" (which is bs). I felt so ignored, rejected and uncomfortable that now the idea of a woman taking interest in me and taking charge of everything is of course arousing. And porn. Lots and lots of damned porn reinforcing that idea. I know this because it never happens with men, only women.

With men, however, my fantasies and frustrations are more related to my personal discovery. There are things I want to try, I feel I've wasted a lot of time (I feel "urgency") and while they don't exclusively require men in order to be done (as they are more psychological than physical), I'm more comfortable around them as personal preference. That means my SO applies to the job. But what if he... doesn't? What if he's not in tune with me in some things? Then it will be a real setback, because I'll feel I have to repress myself in order to continue to make the relationship work, and then paranoia (self-paranoia and self-doubt) will set in. I can't allow that to happen and the mere idea fills me with dread. So much that I still haven't had this conversation with my SO and it's a really important one, believe me.