Boy meets boy, Boy has PMO addiction.

It's my first relationship with a man (I'm bi). My first healthy, non-toxic, romantic-comedy-standard relationship.

The first time I fall in love. Though he doesn't know it yet.

He is kind, understanding, supportive, a light and a shelter in almost every situation. And I've never been so much sexually attracted to anyone else in my whole life. I feel like burning and melting inside just from thinking about him and making love to him. Now I understand how it feels, after hearing so many people talking about it before. Passion, longing, yes I get it now.

That fills me with hope after reading a fair share of horror stories about flatlines and desensitization. It also scares me. I'm about to reach 12 days without PMO for the first time thanks to being busy with a travel, and while my first goal originally was getting rid of PM only, I'm scared I will lose all my momentum and the positive benefits I'm already experiencing if I have sex with him when we see each other again.

But the urge is really, and I mean really strong.

What should I do? Opening up to him about my struggle seems a legit solution, but I'm already a recovering videogame addict high-school dropout NEET. It's just too much for a single person to handle someone so troubled, and I'm his very first relationship no less. He lost his virginity to me (and in some way, both physically and emotionally, I did as well). Just figuring out how to understand our new feelings about each other is already a huge world for us. We haven't been dating for so long. We don't even call us "boyfriends" yet!

On one hand, he will most probably understand and support me, even if that means no sex. But he has his own concerns and insecurities about intimacy, we've been making wonderful progress with mutual trust and I don't want to put a stop to that. I don't want to lose him.

How should I approach this?

 

@bearishDGS Yes, we're basically on the same page for almost everything. We're going "fast" by our standards, and we're equally scared about it, but we share those fears together. Or probably, we're scared because things are going so well and we don't have experience handling romantic bliss (oh boy, I'm gritting my teeth thinking about what will happen when the first rush of love ends). Generally speaking, I can positively say the only major thing he doesn't know about me is my NoFap journey. Considering what he already knows (high-school dropout, past gaming addiction) it shouldn't be that much, right. Riiiiight...?

UPDATE: Major emotional development. We met and while there was several Os involved in our reunion, I could convey my feelings for him profusely, both in actions and words (words are my milestone to consider anything being official). He also reciprocated lively. I'm going to tell him. I am.

 

@fercho29 Thank you for your kind words, really. (y si, hablo español, tenemos la broma de que soy "el español" en GameQuitters porque fui el primero en unirse, y se quedó). You're right about religion, but it's hard to tell apart sometimes (if there's something really typical spanish too, that's catholic bigotry, you know). But about my sexuality, nah, I was pretty ok with myself when I first realized. But, you're probably part right in the sense that one of the biggest struggles of my life is asserting myself in front of others. So thank you as well for your honest opinion.

But something keeps bothering me. Would addressing this problem hurt our relationship in every case? Would there be any option for our relationship to be strengthened? I'm fairly sure that will be the case, but I'd like some reassurance from complete strangers before taking the leap. Which doesn't sound too logical in hindsight but well.

 

@bearishDGS The irony, it's me who comes from an alcoholic family and the one afraid of falling into codependency

He comes from a pretty stable family, his life has being quite straightforward. Actually his main issue is having to make the first multiple choice decisions in his life after finishing his studies (what to do next, etc). But there's something we can relate heavily, despite the difference in background: we were both the respective "listeners" and "tissue friends" for our relatives and friends, so apparently we were both in heavy need of someone else to listen to us after our whole lives patting other's backs (He recognized knowing he's being listened and understood is one of the main reasons for his feeling towards me, but I'm probably not ready to tell him the same because I'm proud as f*ck).

@fercho29 I don't remember saying I was ever addicted to alcohol, actually I barely drink, hah. But you're right in various other points. When I began to quit in December, I was concerned about how I would handle being horny all the time since yep, I'm young and healthy. My fear is using him as a substitute for PMO, as an instrument for achieving O, but you're also right, if he's being the object of affection (and believe me, he is) then it should be ok.

 

@mondays_suck Maybe I should marry a pillow after all, in Japan they dig that shit already

@Matrix Intel Sigh yes, the chaser effect and the flood of unwanted images unrelated to my SO. I guess that's also part of the rebooting process, they will become less in number and more manageable with time I hope. It feels like I'm slowly healing and it's an awesome feeling, specially to share with him (even if he still doesn't know). You're right about sex also, there's absolutely nothing similar between the feeling of euphoric love and connection after sex and the dull, depressing self-deprecation after PMO. I pray being aware of the difference will keep me strong. Precisely because those good sensations being so good, I'm afraid to grow increasingly dependent on them, but now I also have him to help me sort this out. Together.

 

I fucked up and relapsed, thrice. I didn't want to believe it but now I know for sure, the chaser effect is stronger than me. I seriously want to cry and despair. I feel weak and hopeless. What can I do now? Now I must tell him. I can't think straight now.

 

Thank you @fercho29 . I can relate a lot with your thoughts about PMO (Point 1 of your Emergency Toolbox). That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. In my case, it all comes to one single issue: I'm afraid to be myself, to accept myself, to accept what I want and don't want for myself and fight for it, and accept the fact that I'm not entitled to anything I desire because my existence is nothing but temporary and it should be that way.

I just can't find the strenght to get up of bed consistently in the mornings. I do stuff, I achive small goals, silly distractions, no matter if they are comforting. Travels, experiences, milestones? A SO? Whatever, I'm still a stupid NEET in a hostile, unforgiving universe doomed to die. Yes, pity-fest, ok. It's still true. I'm saying it to highlight my background of existential angst that is making me relapse in this fucking thing.

I need help. Shit how I hate needing help.

 

I told him. I told him about my PMO addiction as a way to escape from existential anguish. He stared at my eyes and with a mix of surprise and amusement said: "Well, I was looking for the moment to tell you I have a similar issue, I waste a lot of time MOing as a way to try to cope with my anxiety".

Well, that was unexpected. I feel a little silly for all the previous drama. Uhm, sorry about that.

We discussed the topic between cuddles and connected as never before. He literally said he tried to cut it down when he met me. I just... damn it. That stupid idiot and his stupid ability to make me feel loved. Stupid lovable idiot.

So what now? Should I start a PMO streak together with him? Maybe just PM? How much time should we invest into intimacy? How will we cope with the chaser effect? This took a completely new turn.

 

@fercho29 He said he doesn't consume that much P, only when he's "lazy to use his own imagination", but I'm not sure how much that is. But my gut feeling is I am the one consuming more P, so I will remember your words. What I can do is talk to him to begin a NoM streak together, and commit to only O with each other AND do other non-sexual activities in our dates as well.

The question is: Am I "entitled" to ask such a commitment from him? He already hinted some willingness because he felt his performance was not the best, but... No, scratch that. What I need is an activity to deal with anxiety, to fill the void, both mine and his. It could be an activity together but I'm always paranoid of the spectre of codependency...

 

Update: I just had a conversation with him about my journal here and this forums. He seems interested and wondered if he's actually addicted to MO. What should I tell him? How I should introduce him to some kind of begginers reading material? This might be the beginning of a joint streak, it could be a really positive thing, right?