Born 1981... Trying to quite Porn and shady bdsm personals sites with the aid of meditation.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eason, Sep 5, 2018.

  1. Eason

    Eason Fapstronaut

    Well.... my first attempt at quitting since finding this site crashed and burned. The furthest on the counter was about a week, and after falling off the wagon a couple of times, I eventually went back to not even trying and just letting the addiction take over.

    It's going to be hard, since I've been pretty steadily hooked on porn since I was about 18 and on the kink oriented personals sites since I was in my late 20s... mostly i just talk there (while frequently masturbating). I've met people from these sites a couple of times, but we basically only ever hung out- so it never fully developed into a real life thing. Sadly I think with this length of time and depth of addiction. (sessions often lasting for many hours) there's probably a lot of mental rewiring that's gone on, and it'll be hard to retrace my steps back to functioning normally.

    In this first post I want to try to identify a few triggers or danger points:

    1. When I have a lot of free time and no other idea how to fill it. (This is a big issue since I live alone and have a fairly undemanding job.)
    2. When I've been busy or around others, haven't had any opportunity for while, then suddenly I'm free again. (I pretty much can't think of a time when I've been in this situation and been able to resist the temptation- the saddest thing is that this often comes after my partner has been visiting me and then left :( .)
    3. When I'm feeling lonely and haven't talked to anyone in a while. (Because my addiction is more centered around the personals sites, this is a problem, because that can seem like my only way to interact with another human being.)
    4. When I've got turned on, eg by a movie I've seen, or by an interaction with a woman I'm attracted to.
    5. When I'm feeling particularly good about myself, have exercising, had recent success in some area of my life. (Often this is also when I've been a way from the internet for a while- I think maybe I feel more energetic, and thus more horny. Needless to say, the addiction can soon vanquish those positive feelings.)
    I realise that my behaviour is selfish and immoral, especially since I now have an amazing girlfriend... unfortunately guilt just seems to send me straight back rather than motivating me to stop.

    Right now, I'm exercising more, trying to meditate every day, and also put some time into language study... however a big problem is that I feel there's a big gap in the evenings when I'm too tired to do anything physically or intellectually demanding... I need an activity that's relaxing and yet enjoyable and interesting enough to hold my attention.....

    I guess I need to think about that a bit.....
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2018
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  2. mankiam33

    mankiam33 Fapstronaut

  3. Eason

    Eason Fapstronaut

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  4. mankiam33

    mankiam33 Fapstronaut

    Wish you bests.
     
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  5. Eason

    Eason Fapstronaut

    Well shit.... I went back and did it all again. I'm not expecting a sudden hallelujah moment where everything becomes easy and my life turns around all at once, and I also realise that false starts are part of the process. But I do feel really angry at myself that I can't even seem to get to a week before I'm back sexting nonsense to some random stranger.

    This time, I also broke into another new and idiotic form of perversion, having sent around 100 UK pounds to someone just because she told me to, and I got off on being ordered. I hope and pray this doesn't become a regular thing, as I've heard horror stories of findom and what it does to people.

    At this point I'm sort of wondering if this comes from some kind of hidden self-destructive desire. It just seems too excessive and irrational to just be horniness.
     
  6. GeorgeJetson

    GeorgeJetson Fapstronaut

    I know the guilt and helplessness all too well, my friend. It sucks and makes me feel isolated from the world, my family, my kids, and my sanity. The good news is there is hope. There is hope in this community. I'm brand new here and feel grateful for the support I've received thus far. I can finally share my pain and struggle with people who understand. Performing self analysis and asking why I'm like this always perpetuates my guilt. I'm personally trying to go 1 minute at a time without asking why. I'm trying to accept my addiction and not beat myself up to the point I'm deeply depressed and wanting to give up. Hang in there my friend. Keep your chin up and move yourself forward. Be kind to yourself and know you are not alone.
     
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  7. Eason

    Eason Fapstronaut

    Having vented a certain amount of self-hatred... now to focus on the positive points. There are some reasons to still hope I can make a change, no matter how long I've been doing this.

    1. This time I didn't give up trying to quit. I deleted the account I'd been using fairly quickly and came back here.
    2. I cancelled the 2nd skype account I used for this stuff. (although there's a long wait period it permanently deletes.)
    3. I'm banned myself from using the internet for leisure activities until after dinner.

    Internet addiction is definitely a part of this. Often the sequence starts with throwing away a whole day off watching videos on youtube etc and being in that mush-brained passive state where there's no resistance once the idea of watching porn or going to a bdsm personals site emerges.

    I guess at this stage, I need to focus on trying to cut the whole process off further down the line. Rather than trying to have some kind of battle with myself when I'm already on the verge of transgressing.
     
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  8. Eason

    Eason Fapstronaut

    Thanks! I appreciate it a lot. Yes I'm really grateful both to be able to see that I'm not alone, and that it really is possible to escape. And it is great to be able to inject some positivity into this hidden side of what's going on in my mind.
     
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  9. GeorgeJetson

    GeorgeJetson Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your experiences. I like that I can dump of a lot of junk I'm secretly hiding here at NoFap. Even if I fall off, I know there is a place to welcome me back with open arms. Hang in and stay strong.
     
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  10. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    How many days has your longest streak been?
     
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  11. GeorgeJetson

    GeorgeJetson Fapstronaut

  12. Eason

    Eason Fapstronaut

    Without porn, I think I may have got up to about a week. Without masturbation, I honestly can't think of a time since puberty when I got past three or four days.
     
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  13. Eason

    Eason Fapstronaut

    Until Friday at least I'm going to check in here and make an entry every evening just to keep myself focused. I don't have much to say today. Just want to note that even with just 24 hours porn and sex-chat free there is some sense of well-being and engagement with the world that is so much better than than the tense, befuddled, groggy mindset when I'm deep into this fixation and not trying to get out. And whatever excitement the addiction offers, I know it isn't worth it.
     
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  14. DaveHana

    DaveHana Fapstronaut

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    I was born in '81 too and can really relate to everything you said @Eason. I like the 60+ tips post that was shared and hadn't seen that before.

    I was a total computer geek when I was younger. I found bulletin board systems with a dial up modem that had (mostly softcore) porn images on them. It would take me like two minutes to download a naked picture lol. Then when AOL became a thing, I found sex chat rooms on there and spent countless hours of sexy chatting with "girls". When I think about how primitive the technology was compared to what horny teenagers can access now, I feel really sorry for those younger guys. Over time, as technology has developed my addiction has craved the newest and best porn. Through this community of dedication and brotherhood, we can take control of our lives and rid ourselves of this porn addiction.
     
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  15. mankiam33

    mankiam33 Fapstronaut

    born years later but i still remember dial-up connection with websites being mainly sett of image galleries.
    i feel bad for younger generation too, but maybe everything is not novelty and shock. maybe they are feeling less guilt around what they are doing and maybe this lessens the harms ?
     
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  16. Eason

    Eason Fapstronaut

    Yes I remember the old dial-up internet of the late 90s, when online porn meant still images that took ages to load. I used to have my own computer (not online) and when my parents were out I would frantically try to get as much porn from their (online) pc onto floppy discs as I could to use later. When that wasn't available, I'd tape any sexy part of a movie or TV show onto VHS cassettes and had a stash with innocuous looking labels. In retrospect I think even then I was much more 'into' this stuff than most kids. At the time I didn't realise it and just thought everyone else was doing similar things behind clothes doors. But thank goodness there is a way out. And yourey totally right that it's time to take control and be free!
     
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  17. Eason

    Eason Fapstronaut

    Yea. It's interesting question. I know some people think there wouldn't be any issues around sex if it wasn't for guilt and repression bottling stuff up and twisting it.

    On the other hand there's always the danger of escalating to something more extreme to recover that novelty and excitement.

    For example since coming to this site I've read so many stories of younger guys especially getting deeply into this 'sissy' fetish thing. I'm very very glad that wasn't around when I was a teenager.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2018 at 12:39 PM
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  18. Eason

    Eason Fapstronaut

    Checking in before going to bed... I definitely was tempted today. I was watching a movie and a train of thought, which started with something completely nonsexual in the film, went in a sexual direction. Normally I would straight away be onto one of the two big fetish websites, or making a new profile if I didn't have one at that time.

    It's actually become a very rare experience for me to face temptation without giving in. I credit it to two things: 1. My girlfriend is having some family troubles right now and I know she needs me to be strong for her. All night porn and sexchat binges wouldn't help that. 2. Being on this site and making a committment to quit, rather than just a vague aspiration.

    Well... it's still only a couple of days since I was 'using.' Really a tiny amount of time. And I know there will be greater challenges ahead. But for now I'm feeling good.
     
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