1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Boosting your self esteem and learning how to do small talk

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Svabo, Mar 22, 2018.

  1. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

    97
    70
    18
    My problem is self esteem and learning how to do small talk.
    I never had good foundations for self esteem: I was fragile kid, went to male-only high school and had low self esteem cunts for my friends my whole childhood. Also my brother had huge complexes in his teen years which he would take out on me and my father never left the chance to say how crappy of a kid I was (he would say literally: "you act like you are made out of crap" and "you are pretty dumb".

    Today when I'm really good looking 6ft 6" with ok body and my intelligence is >168 (I'm Mensa certified) I still lack self esteem and really don't know how to do small talk, especially with women. I generally think most of them are shallow and stupid and only seek some monkey boy to entertain them. I know most of them don't act that way but I feel most of them really feel that way and secretly desire it.

    Because of that I really don't know how to talk to them (but even talking to men is painful also): I don't watch sports, I do it. I don't watch TV especially mainstream stuff, I watch series and movies I'm interested in on Netflix. I don't catch signals of small everyday stuff happening which other people seem to consider important to notice (to me is like noticing a bird has crapped: like, yea, good for it!)

    So when I try to socialize, especially with women, I do it only with those who interest me and usually end up in a friend zone talk because I find inappropriate to complement them because if I do complement them it sounds just weird, like I want something more. Basically I do recognize that I'm not relaxed and not acting natural and that they can feel it but I really don't know what to do to be able to lead small talk and not lead it into friend zone.
    The other day I tried to use badoo to find date. So I've set up my profile and wrote about my self "nice, stable, know how to cook. If you impress me enough, I'll stuff you with roasted duck with pastry and with cream cake made from real eggs (not mine, from chicken of course!)". And few days later a girl liked me and I liked her and started conversation and asked her "what's she doing" and she replied "thinking about that cream cake..." and me, idiot, replied "oh, I can cook another cake with eggs to!". It ended in really bad friend zoned conversation and later I've realized that she was referring about "my eggs", not the cake. So as you can see, I'm pretty stupid for someone with high intelligence XD
    I think I really lack social intelligence...

    So, any advice how to change being socially stupid?
     
    IronDog likes this.
  2. meatsandwich

    meatsandwich Fapstronaut

    119
    132
    43
    I think you shouldn't go for somebody simple-minded and go for somebody who shares your interests, it will make no need for small talks and relationships aren't just about having every day new girl, but the one with who you want to spend rest of life with.

    Also if the conversation goes like that you tell, it means that person isn't from high class and probably she would leave you fast, because she would find you boring after a time, also saying text which could be toward more sexual content will attract people with who you will never feel happy.
     
    Svabo and Awakeatlast like this.
  3. dragonslayer

    dragonslayer Fapstronaut

    I would recommend you to read `How to talk to anyone` by Leil Lowndes. It has got these 92 tricks, which you can apply right away and become a better communicator.

    Good communication/social skills are very important. If you think you are intelligent, that's good. But imagine how great it would be if you can share your thoughts, feelings and ideas with others and also affect others so that you can get what you want. And, it does not just applies to getting the right woman/women, it will help you in your career, among your friends, family and much more.

    I myself am very good at one-on-one deep conversations, but suck at parties where there are lots of strangers and you are supposed to mingle and make small talk. This book has been a real help to me in diving into a group and being part of the conversation.

    One other tip I would give you is to be genuinely interested in other people. I know most of the time, we are like, Why should I give a rat's ass about them. But, even if we show a little interest in what is going on in other's lives and around the world, the topics of conversations open up hugely. Good luck !!
     
  4. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

    97
    70
    18
    thanks! I'll read How to talk to anyone. I've watched YT video about it and it really gives good advice!

    My problem in general is that I don't know how to approach women. I just don't know what to say to them if I don't know them.
    The other day, there was sexy girl that looked like gold digger at the bar, and I decided to indulge myself by forcing stupid situation. I had a tea which costs 2$ and only had a bill of 100$ and I knew the waitress at the bar wont have the change for it. So I gave her 100$ and she asked for smaller bill and I said on laud in front of them two "sorry, don't have any smaller bill but make it 10$. I've never tough that I'll have to apologize for having to much money". I know, a really douche remark, like super douche! The girl at the bar didn't watch me directly but was watching carefully sideways and listening. Then I went out. After that I've realized that I just wanted to burn that gold digger looking beauty and I really don't know why I have that desire. I do have trauma from my youth that girls used to mock me, not often, but there some were situations that just killed my self esteem to this day and every time I see girl that looks cocky and full of herself I just have desire to humiliate her. When I think about it, it is like self defense because I expect (know) that if I would ask her to have drink /date me, she would most certainly refuse, so I deal with that imagination rejection in advance with acting like jerk...
    Damn, I feel my whole life that I need to apologize for me being alive to everyone :(
     
  5. Digger

    Digger Fapstronaut

    31
    52
    18
    Frequent challenge for high IQ types is being so “in your head” you can’t have a simple social interaction without bringing along a lot of painful memories and fears. You’re trying to avoid rejection by controlling and bypassing the very important initial chatter. You think you’re avoiding simple minded people but your critical and dismissive attitude is actually broadcasting that you’re fearful and controlling. Self fulfilling prophecy that your behavior is causing people to hide their true selves from you so your interactions go nowhere. Instead of focusing on approaching women, you might try just practicing making brief connections with anyone several times a day. Force yourself to compliment somebody’s watch, glasses, book, car, bike, coat... and walk away. You’ll learn to notice that some of them are eager to chat more. Instead of judging people, try to find out something interesting/surprising/unexpected. Since you don’t know much about them ahead of time, you just need to get them talking about anything. Seems like trivial chatter but it’s how you build the skill of getting to know people instead of leaping to your negative assumptions based entirely on appearance. As stated on YBOP, "the opposite of addiction is connection." You really need to start building new memories of interacting with people in minor and brief chats to replace your old painful memories. Once you can get anyone talking about themselves, approaching girls is much more fun and constructive. Better yet, they’ll approach you.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2018
    IronDog and Svabo like this.
  6. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

    97
    70
    18
    thank you for your advice, it makes much sense

    recently I've visited local branch of Mankind project. I didn't know anything about them but I felt that my biggest problem is actually getting
    acknowledgment from men. It's like because I feel less of a man in front of men, I also feel less of a man in front of all women. And it worked! That organization is THE answer for being better person, a person who conquers his fears.
    In one part of the session you have to look in tho the eyes of other members and then there was question if anyone has any quarrel with anyone. Me, being new and anxious, felt that I have quarrel with everyone in the group because like when they watched me into the eyes I felt so uneasy, like they judge me. And I said I have quarrel and I feel that they judge me as less worthy. Well, the process led to my childhood trauma of my father criticizing me by saying "you are (so lousy) as you are made of sh*t" and they led me to focus the point in my body which is obstructed by that trauma. It was my throat! And my biggest problem in any conversation, either women or men is actually my throat which squeezes so my voice becomes tiny and weak. And they made me yell out that what I think of that, and I yelled that I'm not made of sh*t! And I yelled it until I yelled it from my heart with full power. And, my dear people, my throat relaxed and is relaxed since and I feel awesome in general and I just can't stop laughing! I smile like fool all day long!
    Fu*k, I feel so proud now... and I've found my brothers, I owe them my life!
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2018
    Unas, IronDog, Hitto and 2 others like this.
  7. asbgca

    asbgca Fapstronaut

    258
    772
    93
    Sounds like you had a powerful emotional release! It's amazing how we're transformed when we find a place where we can trust and be ourselves.

    Funny, I was in a session with an emotion-focused therapist last night and had a powerful release myself. He guided me through the two-chairs technique, where you confront your own inner critic.
     
    Svabo likes this.
  8. asbgca

    asbgca Fapstronaut

    258
    772
    93
    Thanks for sharing your story, @Svabo. I can relate to a lot of it. I've always been over-intellectual. In school I felt like a failure if I didn't achieve 'perfection' and if I wasn't at the top of my class in any subject. I chose subjects that allowed me to stay away from people and messy relationships. My father is a hands-on man, always self-absorbed and indifferent to me. He never fully trusted me with anything, no matter how well I did. My mother is over-indulgent but was critical about school performance. I saw my older sister get criticized a lot for doing poorly, so I learned that 'failure' is completely unacceptable. I wasn't conscious of it, but I was looking down on people all the time while growing up. Kids asked me "why are you so demeaning?" and I didn't even know what they meant.

    I know that feeling of being unable to express your sexual nature. I also grew up to be tall and attractive, but it's like I was paralyzed when it came to letting someone know that I like them. I felt that doing this wasn't permitted and would get me punished somehow. Whenever girls showed interest in me, I just froze and avoided them. The more attractive they were, the worse my avoidance got because I wanted them that much more. Then I'd beat myself up about it and take it out on myself in PMO. Sometimes I would drink and try to play the hot-shot with women, only to hate myself even more. One time I was out at a bar and got arrogant towards an attractive waitress, hoping she would like me. Then I felt so bad that I tipped her 100% thinking I could buy her affection.

    I think this goes back to family too. There was never any conversation about sex in my family, ever. There was very little playfulness and games. It was seriousness and work, work, work all the time, doing your 'duties'. No one ever discussed wants or needs. I rebelled against that in my own dark world with PMO, alcohol, occasional drugs and self-harm. I think my family liked it that I was arrogant and pushed people away. In a way I was helping them get revenge on the world. It took me a long time to uncover just how much I'd learned to hate and distrust myself (and from there everyone else). It's still a work in progress. Over time I've been able to come out of my shell and gain confidence. Learning about attraction and how to approach women has been a huge boost.

    I'm glad you've found a group that you can trust and start letting your true nature come out. A lot of things have helped me along the way. Therapy has been a great help in learning to face my emotions and accept them. Doing a nofap reboot is also a must. I almost got to 90 days last week, then relapsed - but thankfully at this point it's with (casual) sex. My need for P and M is much weaker than it used to be.

    Happy to chat more if you're interested. Stay on the path and take care of yourself.
     
    IronDog and Svabo like this.
  9. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

    97
    70
    18
    I know what you are talking about, I have the same (or had, I need to test it after mankind project mediation).
    You have mental blockage and you need to clear it out. I tried to clear mine my whole life (I'm 37 yhrs old) and went far and deep to do it and always failed. I altered my state of mind via various tehnics and also using psychedelics and it only builded my knowledge but it didn't give me courage to remove that blockage. And it is because the blockage is caused by other people so it can be only solved by other people. I solved it via mankind project mediation process and now I feel that I can talk my mind without any judgment and fear because I know I'm esteemed and supported by real men, not some artificial and TV/net corporation projection of people, but REAL people, people just like you, me, everybody
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

    97
    70
    18
    Problem is that maybe your mind isn't the problem at all like in my case: in my case it was my throat and because of it starting to squeeze, my mind would start to panic. It is easy to blame mind in that situation because well it panicked, but in reality it tried to express itself but it just couldn't because of the blockage in my throat and although the blockage was psychological, the "mind" part of me wasn't in charge of regulating that body behavior. It's like trying to lover your blood pressure by your mind - maybe some meditation guru or sort can do it but us normal people cant, and need to find the answer elsewhere. So yea, maybe you being drunk can help but I don't see it like long term solution (aka you can't count to be drunk in every situation that requires you to deal with the blockage)
     
  11. Svabo

    Svabo Fapstronaut

    97
    70
    18
    Masculine vulnerability, yes, but needy being weak vulnerability, no. Most of women want men who will make them feel like a woman
     

Share This Page