Bitter Root Judgments & Bitter Root Expectations

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by GhostWriter, Dec 31, 2018.

  1. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    It's no secret, or should I say it shouldn't be, I have issues with Bitter Root Judgments & Bitter Root Expectations. A Bitter Root Judgement occurs when you have perceived that you have been wronged, and then when you have been wronged enough, you have a Bitter Root Expectation. For example, if I have been betrayed in relationships multiple times, I have come to expect to be betrayed in a relationship. If you have been lied to in a relationship often enough, you come to expect to be lied to in a relationship. I'll come back to this in a moment.

    I'm writing this message, partly as a learning opportunity and partly as a VENT. And if the person reading this thinks it is about them, and you know who you are, you're right. And that's OK, because you told me "...Leave me the fuck alone...I'm not going to ask you again" All I had to hear that, was ONCE (ironic considering you have to ask someone the first time to "...ask you again..."). Because at the end of the day, unlike my previous life as a PMO Addict, I respect Boundaries no matter what. If they want/care to talk about it, they can come back and ask for it, for I refuse to violate that Boundary. As others can testify, I have done that on numerous occasions (talk about it) for people who I have pissed off. And let's be clear, I have pissed many addicts off.

    Yesterday was a most frustrating day for me because I was totally baffled by what was unfolding and going on. And the individual who brought it to my attention, bless his heart, I think it really shook him up. It was the weirdest thing I had ever experienced here. I'm going to stop short of saying "crazy" because God knows, so many of you have been led to believe you are crazy. And you're not. We have made you crazy. Besides, that would be Gaslighting, and I'm not going to contribute to it. I'm not going to call them out by name, quite frankly, because I will forever and always uphold that honesty, integrity, and confidentiality that I so preach about. I have my PT to thank for that, along with "Truth is Freedom" and she is a source of strength and quite a beautiful resource that I can bounce stuff off of. And she provides me with incredible resources if I need them for someone.

    I can't speak for someone who makes a flying leap from one view of a person to a completely different one in what amounts to a moment. But as our addiction flourishes, we become so very good at covering our tracks, that when you do discover something, you are so taken aback and so shocked, you just don't even know where to turn. It makes you "gun shy". And that's the cruel reality of addiction. If anybody in here thinks that I am anything other than what they see in what I publish, I cannot help that. That's on you. I'm not going to waste my time defending it as it is a very unproductive use of my time. I am, and always will be, the person you see me post as until such time I am convinced that what I am posting is wrong. And then I'll change it.

    So, why am I posting this message? Yesterday on here marks the single most weirdest day of misunderstanding bar none. I'm just flabbergasted by it. Initially, I was like WTF is going on. Then I was angry. Then I wanted to understand it. Now I am at peace with it. That's what 24 Hours of "shelving it" does for you. I choose not to let it bother me or affect me. A) Because it's not true and B) Because we "Accept the things we cannot change". I will continue to help people, including this person if they so choose, because at the end of the day, that's the person I have become as opposed to the person I used to be. I'm going to heed my own advice and take the high road no matter what it cost me. That's what forgiveness looks like, and it's something I need to practice more than anything. I've talked about how resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I'm not drinking the poison.

    Be careful what you wish for. Be careful the conclusions you jump to. For your Bitter Root Judgments will likely, like that of my own, turn into Bitter Root Expectations. I'm here to tell you, when you choose to believe in your "Gut Instincts", your "Women's Intuition", your "Sixth Sense" or whatever you choose to call it, you better be sure that you have your "I's" dotted and your "T's" crossed, your facts straight, for you might just be making a huge mistake you cannot change. I have learned not to hold grudges as I've learned not to judge people. I knew something was amiss when you said "...leave me the fuck alone..." Well, there ya go. I will "leave you the fuck alone". But as you stand alone, I wish you nothing but the very best. That is my hope and prayer for you. Like everyone else, I will forever and always be there for you as well, even as I am crucified for doing nothing less than the right thing. Because that's in line with WWJD!

    And that's what genuine healing looks like.

    Have a Happy New Year Everyone!
     
  2. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    PT means what again?
    Thnks.
     
  3. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    PT = Primary Therapist.
     
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  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    If there's one thing I've learned on these forums, it that no one is ever alone here. Personalities may clash and some people may not get along, but no one ever stands alone.
     
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  5. The Black Dog

    The Black Dog New Fapstronaut

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    I had something like this happen to me recently. I was trying to help someone and it simply didn't work out. It gets confusing sometimes. Even with the best of intentions, sometimes the trauma that some folks have been through, with respect to this horrible disease, doesn't allow for the door to always be left open for well-intentioned people like yourself. I just try to remember that I have had more positive experiences on this site than bad experiences, else I would be gone. Fortunately, it doesn't keep good people like you from trying to do good in your little corner of the world.

    Here is an analogy that I have to remember from time to time. Think of our faithful, four-legged friends. I have two that weigh a little over 20 lbs. combined. While I barely tolerate them, because they are attention sinks, I will admit they are cute, fluffy, and wouldn't hurt a flea. I have a friend that has had dogs all her life. One time she got nipped by one of her own dogs. It wasn't traumatic, but she did need a stitch or two to close the wound. While she did sustain an injury, she understood that the dog was confused by the situation and that this incident was just an accident. To this day she is still comfortable with dogs because she has never been traumatized by a dog.

    Continuing the story... I have a neighbor who is about 60. Unfortunately, she was the victim of a pretty serious dog attack when she was young. While I have never seen her scars, I imagine the ugliest scars are on the inside and may never heal. She knows my dogs are harmless; she has even told me so. Regardless, it doesn't matter how well she rationalizes that my dogs are harmless, even if I have them on a leash, she goes running into the house when she catches a glimpse of my dogs, out of fear that she will be attacked again.

    For my neighbor, she can't unwind what happened 50 years ago. She knows that not all dogs bite. She probably knows my dogs won't bite her either; however, she does know that some mean-spirited dog once tore her ass up a long time ago. To her, she just doesn't trust dogs. It isn't a matter of whether she likes them or not, she just can't tell a friendly one from a mean one. It is my neighbors right to say 'stay the fuck away dog, I just don't want to be near you." This is her God-given right to do so. She may even say it twice, because not all dogs listen the first time they hear a command.

    Unfortunately, there is opportunity cost associated with my neighbors dislike for dogs. This opportunity cost is the foregone enjoyment the rest of her family might get from having a friendly dog as a pet. It might even do her some good for some company and security when the family is away. But to her, she couldn't care less about any good that might come out of owning a dog, because not owning one reduces the risk that she will be attacked again by a dog. It is worth it for her to keep her distance, regardless of the potential benefits her family might gain through dog ownership.

    Back to the subject at hand... what some folks have endured very well may be much worse than a dog bite. Dog bites usually don't result in broken families and divorces. For example, some women may be so traumatized that they swear off men and their addictions forever. No matter how cute and friendly we are, you can't change the fact that we are men. Some people may very will just tell you to stay away for the simple fact that you are a man.

    My neighbor can see with affirmation that my dogs are small and friendly. Conversely, in the world of anonymity this website offers, it is virtually impossible for someone to tell if you are a well-intentioned human or a ill-mannered monster. Its understandable; its the world we live in. To that end, some members, say SOs of PAs, simply cannot take the risk that they will be harmed again by another man and any one of us may get the door slammed in our faces. And this is okay.
     
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  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    You're right. That IS OK. And I love the dog analogy. I will continue to hope and pray for this individual because that's what I do and that's all I can do. I don't/won't/can't get caught up in the drama of one's betrayal trauma to the extent it affects my recovery. I simply won't do it. But if/when anyone wants my help, I am always there to help them.
     
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  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Happy New Year! May this be the year that we all experience the recovery of our dreams!
     
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Every Tuesday, I meet with my Men's Group. We talk about all of these things so openly and honestly, and the things that have contributed to the destructions of our relationships. So today, I get to go back to the meetings. It's been three weeks (since both Christmas Day & New Years Day) both fell on a Tuesday this year.

    Maybe there is a reason and a lesson for me in this bitter root judgment. And in spite of my bitter root expectations, I refuse to be held hostage to them anymore. If people want to jump to forgone conclusions, that's not my problem. That's on them. I will continue to pray for them that God shows them grace and mercy and enlightenment and that they can figure out a way to navigate what they're experiencing in the truth and the light.

    As a total side note, I feel compelled to say this: I am so glad that Clemson gave Alabama a genuine ass whoopin'(sic) for the National Championship! I wouldn't have cared who played them as long as they beat them relentlessly (well accept for Auburn. LOL, I'd hope they would beat each other with neither of them coming out the winner). Just sayin' Congrats Clemson! Well done young men!
     
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  9. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I didn't watch it. Now I wish I had. I've got nothing against Alabama really. I just think Saban has gotten way too damned big for his britches, and it's about time somebody knocked him down to size. As for Auburn though? I had some sympathy for their pristine oaks that were poisoned years ago by an obnoxious Alabama fan. Other than that? None! Of all the fans in the world that I have ever experienced, those are the most redneck obnoxious individuals ever to grace the planet. Fitting they have one of the best, if not the best, Vet school in the country. They're a bunch of animals!
     
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