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Bi, gay, ssa? Help

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by passionforus, Jun 24, 2018.

  1. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    Trigger warning. Really struggling with the fact that I found out my husband has been with transsexuals/transvestites. To each their own. I have gay friends a 110% support the community. Whether it was before me or during our relationship is beyond the point. I just struggle with why this wasn’t disclosed or talked about when asked if this was a thing?

    If I know he was a swinger before me, (after I found out of course) and I beg him to “come clean now with anything because if we go on in our relationship and I find out something later, it will destroy us” . And he hide this for 4 years. . . Being asked multiple times to open up. Without judgement. Then I find out he hired a male escort right when we started dating and has been with a transsexual. . This part of you just doesn’t shut off right? He’s telling me it was just an experience. Yet he’s still addicted to porn.

    Openly fantasizes about being topped occasionally . . Acting out in the bedroom in ways that have made me uncomfortable

    How can he claim to NOT have an addiction, NOT be gay, AND NOT be bi?

    I their is denial. He could be going through the stages of grief as well?

    Can someone with experience with this please help me through this?

    Has anyone has ever gotten past SSA with their partner and been able to trust again?

    As of right now, I don’t think I would ever feel like enough again. EVER.

    I feel like there is no rebuilding of this trust that was demolished after so many non judgmental opportunities for him to open up and be honest.

    I love him with everything in me. I saw him yesterday at his girls dance recital and just watching him walk by makes me happy even with all the anger. I just want to hug him, hold him, but then the anger hits again and I struggle because why isn’t he holding and hugging me?

    I went through our box of memories last night. Smiled. Laughed. Cried. Well actually sobbed. I was reading the cards he wrote me the first couple years and it’s like that person is not the same at all as the person I am married to.


    Thank you all for being there. I know I post out of desperation sometimes and in the heat of the moment.

    But being gaslighted day in and day out, I get to a place of desperation where I just need reassurance.

    My SO grew up in a cult. He is all too familiar with gaslighting, denial, love bombing, and shunning. I’ve now lived with him through all the stages.

    So coming here is my safe place. My friends and family just don’t understand
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2018
    u376 and Deleted Account like this.
  2. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Oh, I feel for you. I really do.

    What is your gut telling you? Trust your instincts.
     
  3. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    That’s just it. My gut has told me something was not right all along. Like he’s never been truthful. But I even at one point told him if he was open and honest about it that I would embrace it. I just wanted him to be happy.

    Right now I think my heart and mind are craving and are desperate for disclosure and honestly. Validation aside from screenshots that I was right. That I’m not crazy. Validation from him. Maybe reassurance that I am worth loving completely. For me and only me.
     
  4. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    I know this is a very sensitive situation as I'm NOT emotionally involved it would be easy to give advice.

    But you MUST separate your emotions for sake of logic, for your children and most importantly for yourself.

    I had a friend who was in the closet and he had a double life, he was very sexually active, would drink copiously and always need to take a blue pill before he would have sex with his gf. Although he confided in me with this through tears and how he had an encounter with another male friend in our group, I was placed in a very awkward situation because it is not my place to say anything.

    They tried to keep their relationship going for years but eventually it broke down, and they too had children. I really do wish you all the very best. I know you probably aren't thinking about this, but he will need support to get through his own issues, and you will be the only constant thing in his life thus far that he can trust.
     
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  5. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Also, don't blame this on yourself, you're totally worth loving, this really has nothing to do with you.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  6. I can related to almost everything you have just said about your husband from his persepective. I too have never disclosed things to my wife about my past because I have tremendous shame in my behavior and what I did for sexual gratification. It’s almost a hate towards myself, and a part that I don’t like about myself and if I told my wife when we were dating I felt safer trying to bury it, then to share it and risk losing my wife.

    it’s a fear and vulnerability even when someone says “without judgement” no matter how close they are, it hurts revealing such information. Some experiences for me are bad and unpleasant and it hurts bringing those up and coming face to face with it.

    I think that maybe if he admits it then he will be labeled and being labeled is judgement. If he has an addiction, that’s different to admit to then a label of sexuality. The porn can be very influencing to his sexuality and the porn is the actual problem if he acting out but the bedroom that make you uncomfortable. The porn needs to be confronted.

    For me, the fantasies with guys and trans are there, but I do not have an urge to act upon are not as strong as the desire I have to sex with my wife and my wife only.

    Communication is the key to reassurance. To this day, me and my wife communicate towards what we want, and even with my struggles I have only turned to one person in real life to help me walk the line, and I have only shared a handful of information with him.

    Same here. You’re not alone, and I find comfort knowing that I can be better than before since I have confronted my problems. I really hope that anything I said has helped you. I know it must be extremely hard and I’m not trying to make excuses for your husband but maybe see why it’s hard to be honest at times, because for me it hurts to come clean because I have spent my whole life lying to myself.

    Have a good and better day, @passionforus
     

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