BF is dealing with a porn addiction and has lied to me constantly throughout our relationship....

boygeorgie · Apr 18, 2017

Hello, I don't really know where to begin on this. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world, but the last year we have been together he has done nothing but lie to me, and I know a lot of it has to do with his addiction (the lies are related to his porn addiction).

When I first met him, I had no idea he had an addiction, he wasn't aware of his fully either and sort of waved off the behaviour as "something guys do".

When we would hang out it would be hard to grab his attention. I understand there are attractive people that pass by and we all have eyes, but it would begin to feel like 90% of the time he couldn't stop himself. He would rarely look at me when we went out and most of the time I would either see him eyeing other women (even if they weren't 'attractive' imo, which made things worse for my self esteem), or he would do this thing where an attractive woman walked by, he would wait a second and then turn his head in the direction they walked away to, pretending as if he just decided to casually look in that direction. I know it sounds crazy, but it was happening before my eyes, and up until then, I'd never seen it happening so obviously before. It really crushed my self esteem.

When we first started to hang out he would never let me touch his computer, and when I did, all of his stuff wouldbe wiped clean. His search engine and even the history of recent tabs that pops up as soon as you open your google brower. He even asked me if there was a software he could download to clear up a messy pc. I was either stupid or naive or in love or all three, and with me being very tech savvy I gave him a program to clean up his pc (which Im sure he still uses)

He has done things like saving pictures of women on his phone, constantly visited female acquaintances' profile pages that he doesnt actually have added to facebook, and stalked women he had met before me at conventions and school. He even frequently checked up on some of his "female friends" and has made comments about their bodies before His addictions to other women got so bad that he wasnt even able to finish with me in the bedroom. How can you be aroused enough with the person you love when you're seeing something similar or even more beautiful online when they aren't around?

I feel like I am rambling but I will try to get to the point. There has just been a lot of mistrust and I am extremely frustrated

Whenever I would confront him, he would get violent. He wouldn't ever put his hands on me but he would swear, rage and throw things around. I've come to understand that this behaviour means that he is either frustrated, lying, or both, as it always happens when I am telling him something he either does not want to hear, or I am asking him if he is telling the truth. On many occassions he has held me in his arms, looked me in the eyes and told me that he wasn't lying, when n reality he was. And it never took long for me to find out he was lying.

He recently attempted to begin nofap and was doing well for a whole 3 months. I gave him the resources and showed him this subreddit along with the official sitee and forum to help him get more motivated. It felt like it was working, and it was hard at first. Our sex life improved, he was able to perform better in bed. But after a while, I started to get an off feeling. At the end of every week he would say things like "i made it through this week!" after a while he stopped saying that. I had to remind him how long it's been and his reply would be "I stopped counting. I just go by months now" On top of this I know it is completely normal to relapse or fall back into it, and he seemed to act as though his transition was seamless and like there werent any struggles. So I would always ask him and let him know it was okay if he messed up because as long as he was honest with me, things would be okay, and he could try again.

I went over to his place a few days ago and he had left an incognito tab open, and things all went to shit.

It turns out he had only successfully been on NoFapp for a month and a half, and lied about being clean for 3 months. He went into a rage and said that he can't be fixed, even when I asked him why he wasn't being honest with me. I have tried for so long to help him. I am not trying to be that girlfriend that wants to change a person, I just want the person I love. When he is in this cycle he acts like two different people. A guy who loves me and has fun being with me and then theres the angry guy who rages and thinks its okay to look at any woman he wants. It has become so hard to trust him though because even when he seems most convincing it turns out to be a lie. Should I delete him and never speak to him again?

My ex was addicted to porn but with this new guy it seems far worse than anything I've seen before as my ex was honest enough to tell me what was going on and wasnt violent

I'm sorry if this message is scattered but I really need to know what I'm suppose to do now. He told me his is sorry for ruining things and that I am a good person, but I don't want to lose him. I just can't take the lies. In order for him to tell the truth, I usually need some kind of proof, and that hurts more. Is this normal? I feel like I lost the most important person in my life (I wanted to have a life with him) to a bunch of pixels on a stupid computer screen.

i_wanna_get_better1 · Apr 18, 2017

Welcome to the forum and thank you for telling us your story. Addiction is a nasty thing that destroys the addict and those around him. It's not unusual to have limited success on NoFap and then fall right back into addiction a short time later. In a way it's worse for the SO because the addict knows what he should be doing and chooses to not take that path. Ignorance is one thing but willfully choosing to not get help is unforgivable.

Addicts are very much Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It's almost as if two people are inhabiting the same body. And that makes it hard for the SO to decide to stay or leave. If the guy was a jerk all the time then the decision would be easy, but where there are still lovable things then that small glimmer of hope can keep the SO hanging around longer than they should. Unfortunately the good parts slowly fade away and only the addict version remains.

We can't tell you to stay or to leave. But I suspect deep down you already know what you need to do. If he was actively trying to get clean then we might advise patience. But if he continues to rage, lie, gaslight, or minimize his problems then he's really not good relationship material. As his addiction escalates then so too might his rage. Addicts form relationships with their addiction and it becomes the primary relationship in their lives and they will protect it at all costs. It's not fair for you to come in a distant second place to porn.

Since you are here and he is no longer here then our concern is for YOUR emotional welfare. We want to reassure you that his problems are NOT your fault. You did not cause them nor did you make them worse. You are not responsible or obligated to stay and fix him. Do not feel guilty for putting yourself first. It is okay to feel however you feel. You have feelings that are valid and wounds that need to be healed. You deserve better. I hope we can help inform you, advise you, and support you through this period in your life.

boygeorgie · Apr 18, 2017

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

Welcome to the forum and thank you for telling us your story. Addiction is a nasty thing that destroys the addict and those around him. It's not unusual to have limited success on NoFap and then fall right back into addiction a short time later. In a way it's worse for the SO because the addict knows what he should be doing and chooses to not take that path. Ignorance is one thing but willfully choosing to not get help is unforgivable.

Addicts are very much Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It's almost as if two people are inhabiting the same body. And that makes it hard for the SO to decide to stay or leave. If the guy was a jerk all the time then the decision would be easy, but where there are still lovable things then that small glimmer of hope can keep the SO hanging around longer than they should. Unfortunately the good parts slowly fade away and only the addict version remains.

We can't tell you to stay or to leave. But I suspect deep down you already know what you need to do. If he was actively trying to get clean then we might advise patience. But if he continues to rage, lie, gaslight, or minimize his problems then he's really not good relationship material. As his addiction escalates then so too might his rage. Addicts form relationships with their addiction and it becomes the primary relationship in their lives and they will protect it at all costs. It's not fair for you to come in a distant second place to porn.

Since you are here and he is no longer here then our concern is for YOUR emotional welfare. We want to reassure you that his problems are NOT your fault. You did not cause them nor did you make them worse. You are not responsible or obligated to stay and fix him. Do not feel guilty for putting yourself first. It is okay to feel however you feel. You have feelings that are valid and wounds that need to be healed. You deserve better. I hope we can help inform you, advise you, and support you through this period in your life.
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Thank you

jesusson · Apr 22, 2017

Hey boygeorgie , i am also a porn addict since 8 years ago , i always think in my future relationship and i always find it like you have described above , Porn split human into two as you mentioned the first one want love and the other just want sex with no love , imo you did a very good job in helping your bf , but if he didn't change for you it means that nothing can change him except his religious background or his own will , i don't think breaking up would help , cause if you did he would be worse than now and he will binge in porn , so my suggestion is to advice him again and motivate him to do a 90 day of no porn or fab and during this period you have to stop any sexual acts in order to let his brain cured from porn addiction , and this period gonna be for learning how to love only and you can exchange real love between both of you . wish you best life.

Runtilmylegsdropoff · Apr 22, 2017

You need to be straight up with him and ask him, "do you really want to hurt me, do you really want to make me cry"?

stygian · Apr 24, 2017

It sounds to me like he is in denial. Maybe the interest in nofap was just to appease you. From your description, it doesn't sound like he is interesting in changing, and he is willing to lie to you to hide the addiction, which he probably doesn't know he has. I think it is perfectly normal for you to want proof that he is not lying.

If he is not interested in changing, then I do not see how things are going to get better. If he doesn't change, are you willing to stay with him? That is how I would look at it.

boygeorgie · Apr 27, 2017

We met up recently and I told him I'm willing to wait until his addiction is over, and he flat out said he just has a bad feeling about me. So it went from "It's not fair for you to have to wait" to "what if I dont change" to "i have a bad feeling about us"

stygian · Apr 27, 2017

I'm really sorry, that sounds terrible.

The only reason I can think of why he would make this about you (when it is really about him) is to try to get you to look at yourself and get you to think there is some issue with you, and not him. Just a way to change the subject and deflect attention away from him. He's probably still addicted and that is going to take precedence over anything else.

GG2002 · May 2, 2017

I am the partner of a PMO addict who lied to me and had PIED. We can't tell you what to do but what I can say is this man does not seem like he's someone that wants to stop PMO. But it's not just causing issues in bed or trust issues from what I read he's manipulative and gas lightening you. Being betrayed from lies is horrible and very hard to recover from. If he's not willing to heal that and work at it you will never feel better. He's just not ready to stop and the only thing you can do is say it's me or PMO but you can't make him change.

boygeorgie · May 2, 2017

GG2002 said: ↑

I am the partner of a PMO addict who lied to me and had PIED. We can't tell you what to do but what I can say is this man does not seem like he's someone that wants to stop PMO. But it's not just causing issues in bed or trust issues from what I read he's manipulative and gas lightening you. Being betrayed from lies is horrible and very hard to recover from. If he's not willing to heal that and work at it you will never feel better. He's just not ready to stop and the only thing you can do is say it's me or PMO but you can't make him change.
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It took a lot for me to realize he is toxic and abusive and not willing to change. After a week of being broken up he is acting as if he doesnt even want to be friends, he wants nothing to do with me and he also told me I WAS A DRAIN ON HIM and that I'm the reason he has chronic hand pains (he took time off from sports because he was having tendon issues). I spent all this time caring for him only for him to turn around on me and say that I ws the cause of his hand issues. He even said "All I know is, as soon as we broke up my hand got better"
He's a terribly mean guy

i_wanna_get_better1 · May 2, 2017

boygeorgie said: ↑

he wants nothing to do with me and he also told me I WAS A DRAIN ON HIM
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Only a small, petty, and vindictive person would say such a thing. Knowing the truth and understanding the problem was him all along hopefully empowers you. You no longer are a victim of his manipulation. After being enlightened his emotional games no longer have any power over you. Don't let the words of this developmentally challenged person hurt you. I hope you are feeling better after getting your freedom back.

GG2002 · May 2, 2017

boygeorgie said: ↑

It took a lot for me to realize he is toxic and abusive and not willing to change. After a week of being broken up he is acting as if he doesnt even want to be friends, he wants nothing to do with me and he also told me I WAS A DRAIN ON HIM and that I'm the reason he has chronic hand pains (he took time off from sports because he was having tendon issues). I spent all this time caring for him only for him to turn around on me and say that I ws the cause of his hand issues. He even said "All I know is, as soon as we broke up my hand got better"
He's a terribly mean guy
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I am glad you see this. You will move on to someone who treats you the way you deserve. I know it's hard but right now this man is not behaving like a good person. Maybe he sometimes does or used to and you were holding onto that. It's often difficult to accept that the person you loved is no longer there or he was never there he was pretending the whole time! He's got some very serious issues none of which are your fault. Addicts engage in a lot of blaming of others. It's a way to avoid dealing with their own issues. He needs help. The best thing you can do right now is cut off all contact IMO.

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