Between a rock and a hard place

This is practically a journal entry but I really want people to read it so I'm posting it here.

My heart feels really heavy right now. The experiences of the past week are feeding this feeling. The effects of my porn addiction include heavy, hazy brain fog, irritability, high sensitivity to percieved slights (even if they never happened) especially when I percieve that person to be disrespecting me or talking down to me. I want (need, really) to share my experiences.

For the past month or so I've been getting really, really angry when I percieve others to not like me anymore. They either to stop talking to me, respond to me rudely, or anything else that can taken as a "fuck you" in my general direction. Just a few days ago, one of the people I work with responded to a very kind thing I said with a snarky, sarcastic, and very condescending response that included two thumbs up and a smile so disingenious that I wanted to slap them in the face and go, "Really, bitch? I just supported what you said and THAT'S how you respond to me?!" From there it took me a half an hour before I walked out of work and just went home, I was so angry and so hurt. The next few days I was felt so vulnerable and upset that I just ignored everyone I worked with thinking that walling myself up is the only way I can survive working with them. I have since then, alienated two of them, and I'm not sure if they will forgive me or not.


The point I'm trying to make is that my porn addiction is ruining my friendships and deleting any possiblity of being in a good loving relationship and that's really hard for me to handle. I'm already struggling with how to love myself and every person I alienate only solidifies the belief that I'm unlovable. I don't know what to do. I need this job to pay the bills, but I'm surrounded by people who are ultimately unempathetic of my struggles and need me to be bubbly and happy in order to like me, which is something I can't sustain because of my illness. I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place made up of a socially crippling illness and people who can't step out of themselves for long enough to try to see what is lurking underneath my antisocial behavior. There is a reason I only play video games and that's because my illness cripples any chance of human connection I have.

Now there is the very real possibility that I have to quit my job because the work environment is so toxic, created by the very illness that I cannot control and they cannot understand. Finding a new job feels pointless, as well, considering how awfully inept I am at thinking and expressing myself. It makes me wonder how any person would consider me for a job.

The silver lining on this shithole of a week? I made it 18 days without PMO beating my record by three days. I guess in the end the only thing I can do is keep up with my NoFap goals and hope for the best. Every time I relapse I learn something more and something deeper about myself that contributes to my ultimate success. That's all I can do.