Being Supportive But Also Working Recovery

Hi, I'm a SO and seeking advice on how to be supportive but also work on my own recovery.

We started on this journey just a short while ago and I'm finding myself struggling with balance. I know this is part of codependency & betrayal trauma, but man it's hard.

For many years, almost 19, I've put myself on the back burner, keeping things running as best I could at home, running my own business, trying not rock the boat, finding myself doing more and more "things" hoping for connection with my husband, questioning everything I do and if it's going to hurt him or cause him to leave.

I slowly started to think I was losing my mind and my health started to decline from the stress. I've been doing a lot of work over the past couple of years before he could even see that he had SA. It was slow, scary but I was seeing a path, getting stronger and finding clarity.

Now that we have started on this journey, I feel like I have regressed backwards. Yes, the situation is different instead of denial we are in recovery. I don't know how to get out of this cycle.

Over the past couple weeks, I've made plans to get back to my self care and healing work, but I'm letting my old ways and codependency get the best of me and I self sabotage. I have some big goals for my business as well, but feeling very guilty about working on them.

I feel like I'm being neglectful, causing him pain, triggering him, or smothering him all at the same time. I don't think I'm projecting this or telling myself a story in my head. I can feel and see the shift in him and I know it's something I've done.

So my question is, how do we as SOs be supportive, not triggering, but also work our recovery?

That was long ha sorry!

P.S. Any resources for strong & active SO support would be amazing. I'm not having much luck.

 

He is trying so much which I can see that and he is growing so much for himself. That’s why this is so hard because I don’t want to do or say anything to derail that. Our connection is increasing and I find myself looking forward to seeing him when he gets home everyday. I am over the moon about that. I don’t think I pressure him about intimacy, I hope not and I do think he is amazing and try to tell him that.

 

Thanks so much for the book selection. Definitely going to check it out.

Regarding telling him how I feel. I try but usually backfires on me and then I feel like crap. I view working on things out as a step forward and healing ourselves and marriage and he, I think, sees them as step back. When we have discussions it tends to end with him being hopeless and not thinking we are going to make it. It’s gut wrenching and makes me want to stop sharing how I feel.

 

Not comfortable talking about that

 

PIED but not loss of libido

 

I think it’s great you love her so much but you need to also do this for yourself. We all are humans and fall. The beauty is we are all humans and can also rise.

 

He is doing work. Has a online accountability group, reading a book, listening to podcast etc. he has started walking every night, praying and journaling. He is not in any “official” licensed group or have a C-SAT therapist. I don’t think it’s for the lack of refusing to but we are in the sticks and have zero resources here.

Do you have any recommendations on how I am to respond during our dicussions that currently end up me feeling horrible and that I’m setting him back.

 

Downloaded the audio book from Amazon. Will give a listen thanks again.