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Being Alone lead me to camgirl

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Mixtec, Apr 11, 2017.

  1. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    I'm at this point in my life where I just feel alone. I relapsed and binged heavily back in the beginning of March to a camgirl. I haven't had an actual girlfriend (with sex) since 2008. Every girl I've tried to be in a relationship with afterwards has always ended up with her moving away for school or me expecting too much from her. So technically I haven't had sex with a girl since 2008. Not that it matters but I just miss the human bond/connection. The ability to feel a woman's body, warmth, and affection. I miss hearing a woman telling me she cares for me. I miss hearing a woman speaking to me in Spanish or English because she knows I will respond to her. I've been praying for a girlfriend but I don't even know why anymore if every girl ends up with another guy but me.

    Anyways so I never knew about camgirl porn until March (yeah kind of lame) but Ive gotten hooked. To one girl in particular. She talks to me in a conversational way in spanish. Asks me to bring her to meet me or me go meet her. She's told me how her father passed away. Told me how she's catholic. Told me she's actually new to the whole cam scene. Tells me she likes hearing someone who she can actually conversate with during her day.

    But I know what's happening. It's not reality. It's a fantasy. She's only making a "returning" customer out of me like a sucker. But at the same time being one who has done missionary work, when I was in my late teen years, I know I am part of the problem. I know she is probably being used by some dude to use her body to make a profit. She probably genuinely wants someone to help her out of this. I know that I am only making excuses for being lonely. I know that the reason I keep going back to this camgirl is because I THINK there is some connection when really she is just using me to make her money. Than I'm back to feeling lonely and so fustrated. Today I had some previous tenants call and threaten me since I kicked them out for always being late on rent. I just wish I had a girl who would tell me that they would just come along life's journey with me while understanding Im battling this porn addiction.

    Sorry I know some may read this and not think it's bad but loneliness is the worst. It eats from within the soul.
     
  2. J247

    J247 Fapstronaut

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    What's camgirl?
     
  3. what are the benefits you see so far, on 44 days? that is a long time!!
     
  4. J247

    J247 Fapstronaut

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    34 days. And not much really. MW happens more often than not, I get like 80-90%, but it goes away quick. Like really quick. I'm not experiencing the flatline like others, I'm more energized and happy all around. Unless I purposely think about a fantasy, they rarely pop into my head nowadays which is nice, and if they do I can block them out (or just focus on something asexual like a boot or a slug).

    Still waiting for spontaneous Es to come along, and an increase in sensitivity. I think that'll happen around the 5-6 week mark though.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. most likely that's about when the Es will come back, try not to have to many fantasies, that might help, maybe your not already. I quit fantasies, I don't even need them any more. I don't know if you do or not
    better then nothing, at least its alive :) I think your right after about 5-7 weeks you should notice more changes. did for me anyway.
     
  6. J247

    J247 Fapstronaut

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    Did you read all of what I wrote?
     
  7. yes, what did I say wrong?
     
  8. @Mixtec Amigo, eso que cuentas es triste, pero ten esperanza. I'll write to you in English for international convenience. Do you have enough friends and connections, or is this loneliness only about a wish of having a special girl in your life? Also, that missionary work you mention is awesome. Devoting time to a cause bigger than yourself and helping others is wonderful to feel purpose and take your self-consciousness (that insecurity and fear of not finding a significant other or "being left behind") out of your head for a while.

    I don't know personally about the topic, but have you tried religious counseling/support groups? I heard they can be quite helpful to some people. I don't know about catholics, I have a strong prejudice about them and their ways, but you could try nonetheless. You need a connection and accountability, ideally in real, daily life, so if you are a believer probably they would be a good first choice to begin. They would probably understand you and give you support. You can also keep writing here and getting involved, or both things too. What do you think?
     
    Mixtec likes this.
  9. J247

    J247 Fapstronaut

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    I said I don't have problems with fantasy, and you ask if I did/I should stop them lol
     
  10. vulture175

    vulture175 Fapstronaut

    This actually happened to me before. Even the feeling is genuine, you can do nothing. You should stop going to cam sites man. If this continues, the person who will get hurt isn't her, it's you. The feeling you are feeling is so real eh, it's not, and you know it. And you know being addicted to camsite is even more than dangerous than casual P cuz camgirl can affect you emotionally while P only physically. That's is not enough, when you have feeling for a camgirl, you don't mind spending your day waiting for her go online, even days, and then you keep watching, and this unbelievably consumes sooo muchh time and energy. All the cam girls i once "had", now they never appear on that cam site anymore, maybe they already quit, and i'm happy for them, i quit too. This game is over. Oh forgot to mention, i wasted a lot of money on the site too, i feel so guilty and stupid. This must not happen to you, cuz you gotta listen to me, YOU HEAR ME. Sorry :D, just stop going there man
     
    Mixtec likes this.
  11. Rivverson

    Rivverson Fapstronaut

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    I fall in this trap too. At the end I just lost money and time to gain shame.
    Keep faith in the future. I never have a girlfriend. No woman tells me what she care for me. It's hard every day but we have no choice to keep going and to improve ourself. It's the only thing that we really control.
     
    Mixtec and vulture175 like this.
  12. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    Sorry haven't logged in for awhile. @TheSpaniardDude I've lost track of actual friends man over the years...everybody I grew up with is now married or in the military. I don't like hanging out with married guys because they either bring their kids along or they always aware of their wife. And my friends in military well theyre too far away. One of my friends in Kuwait wanted to commit suicide because his girlfriend cheated on him while he was away. No I am not catholic more on the "reformed" side.

    I think Ive always being lonely but never noticed because I was soo hooked on internet porn. Now that I did sort of stop watching it everyday Im actually noticing it so thus I ended up on the camsite. Its been 2 weeks since I stopped going to the sites

    I have looked into getting involved in some kind of christian outreach

    Thanks for your response!
     
  13. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    @vulture175 @Rivverson
    Yes I stopped going. I've actually set my computer and tablet out in the kitchen to avoid the temptation of watching at night before falling asleep. It has been about 2 weeks since I've watched any porn or camsite
    It's just fantasy and I realize it. I'm beginning to understand now that maybe this whole time I was always lonely, and kept ruining relationships with all the girls in the past, was because I was hooked on Internet porn that I became addicted to the fake pleasure that comes with masturbating to online porn. Also with porn there was no trust or any kind of relationship issues one must fight to overcome compared to a real relationship with a girl. So it has destroyed my sense of what a relationship should be

    Yes cam sites are money traps. Like any addictions and Im waking up and realizing it. Just like I'm realizing that my loneliness is my battle to overcome and so I must get out there and start making friends again. Also I realize how selfish porn has made me. Like I feel its a waste of time being friends with a girl/female if we are not going to be in a relationship. That is very selfish and so I've been trying to change my mind and change myself as a person.

    Anyways thanks for listening /reading!
     
    Rivverson and odonkor like this.
  14. Rivverson

    Rivverson Fapstronaut

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    Take conscience of your problem it's a huge step. Now you have identity your enemy it's time to fight !
    I'm in the same position, I totally understand your feelings.
    Doing Nofap may not leads you to meet a girl but it certainly leads you to be a better man.
     
  15. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    I've been on and off with NoFap since last year when I realized had a mild dose of pied. But I've managed to quit just thinking porn. I mean I used to just sit at work and think about porn videos or fantasize about my few female friends. But after being on NoFap I managed to control myself a little bit more. It was the darn camsites that I discovered that me addicted once again and I realized it. One day I got triggered and drove home just to log on and see a camgirl. I knew then and there I was addicted once again. So anyways Im back again trying to resist and have more self control. I try to meditate more on positive words from the Bible. But its just so amazing how much we realize about ourselves once we remove porn from our lives. Now that Ive been off porn again Im starting to realize therea a void in me that I've always tried to fill thru using porn and getting fake pleasure. My sister (my only sibling) left and moved or ran away back in 2010. Since she left I have no brother or no sister to talk to. I was so mad at her for leaving without ever saying goodbye. She called me a year later asking for help to come back home but out of my bitterness I hung up the phone and never talked to her again. Now Ive asked for her forgiveness and have started talking to her again. I guess porn was or became a sort of a drug or to get high and forget/mask my troubles
     
  16. Time2FixThis

    Time2FixThis Fapstronaut

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    Never pay for cam girls, they are just sales people. They aren't looking to be rescued, they are just looking for money.

    Sounds like you need to find something else in your life. A female/partner should be the icing on the cake not the cake.
     
    Mixtec and Rivverson like this.
  17. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    Wow you sound so right. My daily schedule consists of wake up, 8-9 hour work day, come home and work on other small projects. After work has been my issue. Although I have been going out a little more now even if it means going alone. A good friend told me something similar to what you said a good woman should be your friend before your girlfriend if you ever intend to keep a romantic relationship to keep growing. All these years I've been in such a rush to get my feelings fulfilled and my happiness going. It was always one sided...always about me and mines. I realize that only now.
     
    iWILL123 and Time2FixThis like this.

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