Becoming Human Once Again (27 Y/O Virgin)

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by getontop, Jan 6, 2019.

  1. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Hello friends,

    Great to meet you.

    I am a 27 year old male who’s life has been marked by a few set backs which have hindered my development. Essentially, I have had issues with anxiety disorders for the past 10 years, but have very much persevered through these and achieved a top degree from a prestigious University, gotten a good job, met good people and have a better life than I did. I travel and go to music festivals and enjoy my hobbies of playing the guitar, learning the Spanish language, photography and writing. Social anxiety really stopped me from meeting women in my life as I would become quite anxious around them, but this year I discovered a great method to recover from anxiety disorders. I am now recovering from these and I am seeing cracks of light break through the false-self I have created in restricting my enjoyment of life due to high anxiety. There is so much I want to do in the world, and a lot of potential which is not being realised. I have made a commitment to myself to resolve the underlying issues which have made moving towards a better life very difficult.

    Life is not lived with a defensive and withdrawn personality, and with insecurity in us. I have one great best friend, and have a great relationship with my family, but I’d like to get well and move on to get more from life. I have never dated and am a virgin, and at this moment I do not want to go on this way. I would like to heal emotionally and meet a good woman who I can form a strong bond with. Being balanced, productive and whole is my goal.

    It has been a long journey and a mistakes were made, but now, I know what I need to do to heal. I am far less anxious now and almost totally recovered from the disorder. I have learned the Buteyko method to deal with my physiology which was wracked by my disorders, and I will commit to a hard reset of my brain with fasting from porn, masturbation and orgasm for 120 days.

    I have previously gotten up to a 50 day streak, before relapsing and masturbating again. I did not masturbate to porn. Slowly but surely, I started masturbating to porn again. I would continuously stop and start this cycle, going through cycles of building 30 day streaks, before relapsing again, because my sexual energy would build up sky high and I was too anxious to talk to women. Well, now I am recovering from my anxiety, I am doing better socially and I want to reset my brain and get over to the other side....

    I expect this will not be easy, but nonetheless, what needs to be done must be done.

    Best wishes,
    R.
     
  2. AwesomeBeast

    AwesomeBeast Fapstronaut

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    I'm happy for you bro. There is a better life ahead, keep persevering
     
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  3. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Thank you man.

    Today is day 7 for me.

    Been totally fine, not much by way of urges. I've kept busy and am just enjoying my life, trying to push my mind and behave like a different and more balanced man.
     
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  4. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    As the first week comes to an end, I have found some refreshing solace in stepping away from the cycle of dysfunctional sexual behaviour. This alone gives me hope. There is a rich world of depth and bonding beyond this veneer of false self and dysfunctional sexual expression.

    There is a burgeoning influx of sexual thoughts, which can be a bit scary when one is trying to avoid PMO, but this time around I don't necessarily conceive this as a negative thing. What if these thoughts are necessary for the mind to expel old data and go back to balance? I can remember some hard nights in the past where I couldn't sleep due to a maelstrom of sexual fantasy, which has caused relapse in the past. Perhaps those dark nights of the soul are integral to the healing process?
     
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  5. AwesomeBeast

    AwesomeBeast Fapstronaut

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    I'm on and off in my struggle with this porn addiction and based on what I experienced withdrawal symptoms are definitely hard to ignore especially around 21st to the 30th day of recovery. What I learned is that we just needs to keep moving forward. I hate to undergo withdrawal symptoms again that's why even if how difficult it is I keep pushing through. Sometimes urges feels like forever but it will definitely past. Just have to hold on for better version of ourself.
     
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  6. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Yeah for sure. When you make substantial changes in your life it gets easier. Its about becoming the person you want to be imo.

    Day 9 :)
     
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  7. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Day 11 - smooth sailing. No real urges, no flat line, just living lfe
     
  8. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Day 12.

    I feel a lot more attraction to women now, actual physical, real world women lol.

    Also, I feel as if they find me more attractive also. An energy shift.

    I will continue to comply. The goal is 120 days for me.
     
  9. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Much more desire for women irl...
     
  10. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Day 15

    No real urges or anything, think I might be in a flatline.
     
  11. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Day 16.

    I am feeling far better in myself and am taking consistent action to improve my life.

    I do not want to be a lonely and underachieving man, I want to set some goals, dream big and develop an unbreakable iron will to see my goals through into fruition.

    I am going to write a life plan today and will share on here.

    R
     
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  12. u376

    u376 Fapstronaut

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    I am commenting here to get updates of your journal
    Best of luck
     
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  13. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Life Plan

    To change the way I think.

    To change the way I live.

    To change the way I view sex and women.

    I want to live life at a higher level, more effectively manage my emotions, change the way I think and view the world.

    Study

    I am done with formal education, but will be studying to embark on a new career, digital marketing.

    Work:

    Start a career in digital marketing, build myown business, travel and earn while I do it.

    Family:

    I would like to strengthen my relationship with my Mum and my brother. I would also like to get a partner and have a baby in the future. I will not marry in my life.

    Friends:

    I would like to make some new friends and hang out socially with new people.

    Hobbies:

    I would like to get good on the guitar and learn to sing. I’d also like to learn the Spanish language and get fit.

    My Vision

    I would like to be fit, healthy, and strong. I would like to be in a body that moves well and is balanced. I would like to be free of lower back issues and have a strong core. I want to be lean and to look physically attractive.

    I want to be passionately pressing forwards with my career, which I will start in digital marketing. I want to be earning a good salary and eventually running my own business whilst travelling the world.

    Romantically, I would like to have a dating and sex life. I have never dated or had sex. I want to be free to date women and enjoy sex.

    I want to have rewarding hobbies and play the guitar and sing to a good level. I want to learn the Spanish language and speak it as I explore the world.

    I want a larger group of friends who I can socialise with and hang out with and enjoy life with.

    I want to travel the world and see the incredible sights the world has to offer, and experience the incredible things that are to be experienced in the world.

    I want to fall in love and have a partner I am truly into, who is mutually truly into me. I want us to grow together as people and for us to do interesting things in the world.

    In sum, I want to live my life at a far higher level and be a focused, productive, high achieving person who has high standards and hits his goals, whilst also being the life and soul of the party who people are fond of.

    Why have I not achieved a better life?

    I keep delaying things until I feel better. I have an anxiety disorder, so I want to wait until recovery for me to start achieving more. This isn’t how it works. I’ve tried in the past to take action in some areas and do things, but I ended up feeling worse because I went too hard and did it in an unsustainable way which left me stressed out. I will now take action in a sustainable and productive way.

    Stop delaying. You cannot delay any more. The stars will not align. You need to believe that you can actually do this.

    Reasons why I should start pursuing my life goals.

    • Because I really want to achieve a better life and think it will be a great victory for me,

    • Because I am bored and unfulfilled.

    • Because I have let so much time and potential slip by

    • Because it is not sustainable for me to continue being lonely, to feel the pain of underachieving, to feel the regret of not realising my potential. It hurts a lot. I don’t want to experience this. I want to be happy and light and easy.

    • A lonely life is a wasted life. We are here on earth to be balanced and productive souls who love and nurture each other. I want a partner, and to do this, I need experience and to feel better about myself.
    Urgency

    I need urgency and I need to know that change is imminent.
     
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  14. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    I'm off to hang out in Berlin for the weekend. I've never travelled solo before, so this is going to be fun for me. Was a little nervous earlier this week but excited now. I want to do more travelling and that will include solo trips, so this is a good start to 2019.
     
  15. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Journalling from Berlin today.

    In my hotel, feeling at ease after a long day.

    Some minor mishaps happened, left my travel adaptor at home, the places I tried to find to eat were shut, but found a nice supermarket and my hotel lend out travel adaptors so that solved things.

    Going to use this weekend to recharge and just enjoy the miracle of life.

    I was talking to a girl at work today. She's 2 years older than me, I think she's single, and we email each other funny memes and stuff because she works for another department in my organisation. One thing that I've worked on this year has been my communication skills. I have become a far better communicator than I was and am much more social than I was a year ago. I w to as talking to this lovely girl today and I felt really attracted to her. Hours later, I had pangs of intrigue. It would be cool to get to know her better.

    I couldn't date someone at my job because it could potentially be a bad idea. Generally I think it's not advised. I would like a girlfriend in the future and am looking forward to getting more experience connecting with women. I also am a bit overweight (15lbs) so could definitely do with taking action to lose that.

    I promise you guys I am going to continue to execute and have full belief that I can build the life I want.

    In two years, I want to be in a well-paid career, have a wonderful partner, have moved somewhere more interesting than where I currently live, and to be fit and healthy. I am starting now because delaying things and not believing that change is imminent is what has put me where I am today, in a frustrating and quite unfulfilling position.
     
  16. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Day 18 and I've had a wonderful day in Berlin!

    Saw some really beautiful things, took lots of amazing pictures, really enjoyed myself. I went to a few places of real architectural beauty but what stood out today was the Pergamon Meseum (sp?) and the Berlinder Dom (Berlin Cathedral) where I heard evensong and took all 300+ steps to the top for an awe inspiring view from the top of the building.

    I had some moments though which I've gotta write here...

    There were two moments when I was in close proximity to a couple who were very obviously in love, entwined and happy. They seemed to be having a blast. For some reason this sent quite a profound pang of sadness through me, as a man who has been lonely his whole life. How amazing it must feel to go home to a beautiful woman who really loves you? That would feel pretty amazing.

    When will it be my time? It seems just so out of reach man. But look, I will do what I can to improve myself and get to the life I want. I will turn this ship around and set sail onto the horizon of happiness. I will NOT stop, and I WILL succeed no matter what. I have been through the grinder in this life but I will use every ounce of pain that I have felt which has broken me into a million pieces to build a life that is amazing.

    When I breath my dying breath, I will do it with pride, with the knowledge that I gave everything I could to make my life better, to be a great person, and to leave this world a little better than it was when I came into it.

    I put full faith into the possibility of change and I will work with all I have. The rest I leave to God.

    Overall, I feel refreshed, full of life and hungry for change. I will go back to the UK tomorrow a better man and will keep consistently taking action.
     
  17. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    I am writing this from my hotels lobby computer in Berlin. My time here has been very pleasant. It is my first time travelling abroad on my own, but it has been pleasant and certainly something I will do again in the future.

    Its 5pm and my flight is later on.

    To reflect on the trip itself, the trip was wonderful. I thoroughly threw myself into the trip and saw interesting new sights. My favourite part of the trip was probably the Tiergarten, because it was physically beautiful for one but also the long, open, scenic lanes which ran through the expansive park were very popular for runners. There was a plethora of people running, all of whom looked fit, were breathing very well in a calm and silent manner (I'm interested in the Buteyko methods so this is cool for me), and they seemed relaxed and happy. The sight of lean, vital, healthy people is actually inspiring to me because it reminds me of the possible human within us all.

    I decided over the course of this trip that I will take action to improve my physical health and improve the appearance of my body. I am going to significantly improve my nutrition, adopting a vegan based diet with the addition of meat. I suppose I will have to say it will be a largely plant based wholefood diet. But yes, I want to revitalise my body, begin to heal and move forward. This will allow me to get fitter, leaner, regrow my hair and have more energy and focus to go through life successfully.

    Also, I would like to get fit. Fit for me means a CP of 40 (this is Buteyko stuff), a strong and balanced body that moves well, and have a high degree of cardiovascular endurance. This means I will continue to practice the Buteyko method until I have a breakthrough that allows my CP to go up. I will enter a race this year and see how I can do! I will start the coach to 10k program this week.

    What has been quite insightful for me is how good it felt just being 'out there' living life. What I mean by that is, it felt very good to be taking action towards building an enjoyable life. It felt wonderful to just be amongst people who are living productively and engaged in the world, achieving things and living at a higher level. Reading the long post on rebooting has been my daily morning ritual this week, for it has been profoundly eye opening. People who are living successfully and happily do not wile their time away coping with life. They go out into the world and take action. People who live defensively keep their head below the parapet and engage in behaviours which are centred around keeping them safe. They cope with life, rather than thrive. Leaving their comfort zone is a problem for them. They take the easy road in life.

    Why do they do this?

    This is where I have found the long rebooting post very useful. It says that people seep into addiction from living their life at a very low level. Their are three core factors which lead to this decline. Not thinking the right way (weak self belief), not managing their emotions, and improper thinking on relationships/life.

    It has been very insightful to see where I have been going wrong in my own personal life. Delaying living my life for when I feel better. Because I have an anxiety disorder, I generally feel anxious and can get panicky in a range of situations which are non-threatening. This is purely a psychological habit, ingrained from a lifetime of defensive thinking and low self-belief. I picked up the anxious habit and stopped taking action to live my life at a level which could bring me joy.

    So I decided that I will now allow myself to achieve my goals and live my dreams.

    I want to get into shape and be fit and healthy. I can do this, it is completely possible for me, and because it will take a long time it will be best for me to start now. I will continue performing the Buteyko exercises 3 x a day, complete my back rehab program (2hrs a day), improve my general mobility and begin to train physically once again. I am going to overhaul my diet and consume a diet far higher in plants and 'live foods' to bring vitality back to my body. In Berlin, consuming a higher level of live foods did immediately have a positive impact on my energy levels. I generally feel tired, but this is because my anxiety is very draining. So what? I will not allow a psychological habit rule my life with sensations. I will carve out a great life and eliminate my anxiety. Because I will be building my cardio up very gradually and slowly, it will be manageable and not overwhelm me. I did once totally overdo it and went running every day one summer and supplemented this with some body weight exercises. That was too much and I experienced some hair loss and inflammation. I also tried to box once and that was far too intensive for me and led to me becoming more anxious and more depleted.

    As such, I will bring my cardio levels up very gradually. I will be consistent with my breath work and bring my CP (control pause) up. Yes, my CP is chronically low, but breathing exercise alone will not allow me to bring it up. For me to heal myself, I will need to take action to improve my life and live at a higher level than I currently am. This will allow the anxious subconscious habit to be broken down and let my body begin to oxygenate. It is important not to throw oneself into very intensive exercise in a compromised health state because I have found this leads to a lot of inflammation and hair loss follows.

    Moreover, I am looking forward to being in a fit and strong body. I look forward to restoring my back and core to proper function and to recover from my low back pain.

    I will practice mindfully on the guitar and improve.

    I will also be working towards a career in digital marketing. I will complete the course I am taking take action to learn google adwords.
    All of the above is completely, completely possible. It is very attainable and progress can be fast once you get moving.

    NOTE TO SELF: Yes, you are tired. Yes, you feel like crap. Yes, your confidence took a huge hit and you do not believe in yourself. Yes, you have an anxiety disorder and can struggle with it at times. But overall, you are getting better, and by taking action you will continue to get better and get the life you want.

    If you say YES to life today, and if you do not allow your anxiety and symptoms to control you, they will abate and you will move forward. This IS the way others have recovered and you will too.
     
  18. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Day 21

    I am busy pushing forward with my goals and feel very motivated in life.

    I feel tougher and more confident. I am less of a pushover and can stand firmer when people are trying to exert themselves over me. This is very positive for my development.

    I will continue to focus, to become stronger and will divert my energy towards achieving my goals.

    I am going out to socialise again from next week on. I feel better about myself and will start to socialise with more women, to start the process of finding love and a partner.
     
  19. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Just want to add a note: I have not regained my morning wood yet....21 days no PMO so far. Going strong tbh, keeping myself focused on my life goals.
     
  20. getontop

    getontop Fapstronaut

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    Day 22.

    Worked v. hard lately - my friend and colleague at work forced me to take today off :D

    I have been going to bed at 12 and getting up at 5am. I will now go to bed at 11pm and get up at 6am. I am trying to relax a bit more, but, the focus I have found is amazing! I am so much more efficient than I was before.

    My develop is going well. I have formed some good insights in terms of making change happen and effective learning.

    Will do a write up tomorrow I think.

    Also in my life, I have been very inspired by the British Businessman, Claude Littner. He is a trusted colleague of Sir Alan Sugar and is famous for his interviewing style on The Apprentice UK. He is a sterling businessman and a highly successful man who has achieved an incredible amount. I am reading his autobiography, Single-Minded: My Life In Business, and it is so remarkably inspiring. This man's work ethic, focus and determination to succeed are infectious. I have learned a lot from reading it so far and will continue to work hard in my life to achieve my goals.

    Also, started running again. Went for a run on Monday, now will be going out for another one tomorrow (Thurs).

    Thanks all.

    Hustle hard :D

    R
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2019
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