Becoming a virgin all over again and performance anxiety

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Knight81, Jul 14, 2019.

  1. Knight81

    Knight81 Fapstronaut

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    It's basically how life has been and of course this journey is putting me in a new state of mind. Especially being single for awhile and an occasional girl comes into my life and I get the opportunity for that "roll in the hay". But of course i get new girl anxiety and can't get my unit up for the life of me ....and hers. I've only been able to get it up for two women in my past out of maybe five opportunities after. Although my brain was saying, "hell yes, go for it!" Im picking apart myself and the mental block to my love machine is taking the day off.
    Its making me feel like i was before everything, a virgin. I've viewed lots of porn in my past and had no problems with it. So it's definitely not from PIED or ED because i can get hard alone no problem. Just not when a women is ready to go all the way.
    Has anyone else suffered this and has anyone had any success getting the issue solved? I don't think it's just a nofap thing, but i could be wrong.
     
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  2. Kexas23

    Kexas23 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, i suffered from it. Try to masterbate without porn or fantasy. Keep your eyes open and just concentrate on the feeling. Learn to love yourself, this will help.
     
  3. Knight81

    Knight81 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, fortunately I can get aroused and even finish without looking at porn.
     
  4. ReachYourHighestPeak

    ReachYourHighestPeak Fapstronaut

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    I had the exact same thing bro. That's essentially what PIED is; you can get it up for P or M, but not for a real woman. Scared the hell out of me at 19.

    I had to abstain from P for weeks before I could even get a semi with a girl, and even then it would take time.
     
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  5. Knight81

    Knight81 Fapstronaut

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    I hear ya! I was a horn dog with my girlfriend and then wife through my late teens, 20s and early 30s. Had no issue getting going with her but her sex drive was low and i would check out porn when i wasn't getting any.
    After the separation/divorce, my porn viewing skyrocketed! So in turn below average women threw themselves at me and had those chances to get laid and build my self esteem back, but most of the time couldn't get it up or keep it up. Thought maybe it was because they weren't attractive, but my ex wasn't that attractive either.
    Fast forward till i did get to sleep with a very attractive chick and still couldn't get it up. Felt like my brain was blocked from the rest of my body and it made things worse.
    Now that i stopped watching that filth, i get aroused easier, but not sure yet with a real woman yet. Maybe someday ill find someone that i can get comfortable with. No hurry though, im really enjoying single life, going out and doing what i want without answering to someone.
     
  6. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    I am more afraid that my lack of experience is going to cause me rejection in the future and it is that lack of experience that has been a mental block for me for years. Although the main reason for me beginning the NoFap-journey wasn't to get laid (it was self-improvement rather) it feels like that threshold still is so high for me to get over that I wonder if I ever will be able to have a normal and functional sex-life in the future (if that day ever arrives in the first place).
    Although 18 months of NoFap (plus some additional good habits) have made me a much better version of myself overall, those thoughts come back once in a while and almost haunts me. It doesn't get any better by having a heavy production of prejizz where only a few minutes of arousing thoughts make my underpants sticky.
     
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  7. Knight81

    Knight81 Fapstronaut

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    Atleast now that you get sticky just by thinking of those thoughts means you are on the right path and it is only natural.
    I have days where I'm in that same boat. Sometimes it's not. Lots of morning wood and i wake up from sex dreams and even just romantic dreams feeling glad for them but, lonely because I forget what it's like to have that in real life and am falling back into the virgin realm. Sad about it and also great with it other times. Stronger emotions have come back. I found myself crying to a semi sad part in a movie lol
     
  8. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    I used to get sticky during my PMO-days too but the amount of prejizz wasn't as large as it is nowadays. Because these days, it literally takes me a minute of arousing thoughts to produce some and I feel the need to find the nearest bathroom to wipe it up. At least, it's not seeping through my pants which had been even worse but it still bothers me whenever it happens.
     
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  9. Knight81

    Knight81 Fapstronaut

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    That is good! Hopefully it doesn't become destracting for long, or let alone wake up having to white water raft out your bed! Keep it going brother. You are inspiring me to get there someday. I feel like it will be soon. I met up with a date a few nights ago for a drink and she turned out to be not so attractive, didn't look as good as her online profile picture did anyway. Even though I wasn't at all into her, i still had a sexual thought while hugging her goodbye and walked out with a little bit of feeling sticky. I was laughing about it and pretty excited that the ol sexual appetite is starting to come back
     
  10. userSCP

    userSCP Fapstronaut

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    I have been feeling similar to this for a while.

    I'm a PMO abuser since 12yo (now 27), and I lost my virginity at 19. So, I was jerking off extensively before I lost it.

    Just 2 weeks off PMO, the shame I used to feel (associated with being a virgin with only PMO as a release) is starting to fade. Constant PMO definitely enforces this shame.

    However, other insecurities are starting to surface as my private PMO-shame fades. Chief of which, for me, is the poor physical shape I am in currently. This is now my detractor from seeking sex from the real-life females I am attracted to. I fear I will perform badly, like getting tired quickly.

    So I guess like a lot of people here on NoFap say, stopping PMO is only one part of self-improvement. I just have to accept there is no instant gratification in achieving this goal.
     
  11. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    Good for you! Although I don't want to sound sour, I strongly suggest staying away from the Dating sites. Not only will you spend a lot of money on them but you will also find plenty of damaged goods there (the leftover women most men of value would never consider dating) for sure.
    There are also plenty of psychos and gold-diggers out there and to make a long story short, my own dad was caught by one of those and I haven't seen him (or talked to him) for almost two years now.
    She (and himself) has made sure to alienate me, my siblings, his siblings, friends, relatives, everyone from them and we have no clue about how damaged and broken he has become.
    So my advice is: stay away from the dating sites if you want to keep your sanity and health!!
     
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  12. harris37

    harris37 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I've had this problem, my expectations were so high from watching porn that when it came to the real deal of suffer with not getting erections, my standards had also got really high, especially after sleeping with lots of escorts. Have you tried the V that's what got me out the shit at first then I had no problem but that being said my standards are still well high... I have to be well attracted physically and emotionally
     
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  13. Knight81

    Knight81 Fapstronaut

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    Both of you guys are so right! Dating sites are just bottom of the barrel damaged goods and extremely unattractive women that think they are hot stuff. Ive been opting out of the three apps ive been using. No such luck and its pretty depressing using those.
     
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  14. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    These entitled bottom of the barrel damaged goods also have the nerve to go for the rules of the sixes for the men they seek while bringing nothing to the table themselves. Fortunately, these high value men (making up less than 0.5 % of the population btw) do mostly find a high value woman:

    1 Must be at least six feet tall
    2 Must have a 6 pack (Or be extremely fit)
    3 Must make at least 6 figures ($100,000 per year or more)
    4 Must have at least 6 years of college (Possessing a Master's degree or higher)

    Keep in mind that height is one factor no man can't really do much about. Also only 5-6% of men are 6ft or taller in the Western world. Whereas a man only demanding a woman to be: Sweet, feminine, cooking well, and not being fat (all of these which are in every woman's control) is considered as sexism, misogyny and having too many requirements. It's laughable to say the least.
     
  15. Zapster21

    Zapster21 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry, but you sound bitter.

    From my experience, women are attracted to confidence more than anything. And if a woman values the 4 things you list above, she's not worth dating anyway (which means that you're lucky that you avoided her).

    Back to the original topic, I have the same experience regarding meeting a new girl. I can't get it up for my life when I'm with a new girl. Very annoying when you got her clothes off... :/
     
  16. userSCP

    userSCP Fapstronaut

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    Depends on her age, the relative (objective) physical attractiveness gap, and whether she is leveraging her pussy or not. Also, whether she has experienced trauma (sexual, mental), or thinks she has experienced trauma; this can cause some outlier and deviations in the trend. I guess I can mention deep social circles, and childhood friends; this also causes irregular matches.

    Confidence helps, but means little without money and/or looks. You could argue that confidence without the prior is irrational. Still, I feel that in western society, there is a stigma about dating someone with a relatively large, objective, physical attractiveness gap.
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2019 at 1:07 PM
  17. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    I am not the least bitter. I just consider dating sites a waste of time and money, plus the women on those are usually not worth pursuing anyway. By going out and approach them in real life builds more confidence and experience with time as well.
     

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