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becoming a live-in slave

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Round Robin, May 22, 2018.

  1. Yeah .... no more of that.
     
    Roady likes this.
  2. That’s the spirit, mate.
     
    Immature likes this.
  3. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    5D then pmo'd. I was a bit sick the last few days, vomitted the day before and felt terrible today, on the way home a thought popped into my head that manifested, once i got home all i wanted to do was open up the labtop i did.

    At first i thought what i was doing was stupid but then i rationlized saying "i'll just check out fetish life" a website for fetish people to meet and message some dommes for a healthy 24/7 relationship, several hours and private messages sent later, i open up skype un-block re-add have another session. Since it's an awkward timezone only the more shit dommes are online so when i want a femdom session she barely speaks english and just makes me cum within 2 minutes, maybe it's a blessing in disguse.

    Afterwards i started laughing because i'd just spend 4-5 hours building up the fantasy in my head, videos, etc.. then in the end she couldn't even satisfy what i wanted which was to be blackmailed into eating my own cum, Still no matter, i will keep calm and carry on, won't binge it's kind of funny, after all that i ended up with a vanilla session.

    Will go to bed now and re-assess with a better plan of action.
     
  4. Mckell

    Mckell Fapstronaut

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    Please look up “Working” by Studs Terkel. A series of narratives of people describing their occupations. Sex workers have nothing but disdain and hatred for the pathetic “customers” they service. This woman has ZERO interest in you except as a money source. Although karma wise I suppose it’s “turnabout is fair play” because YOU have now become objectified- a (disposable) means to an end. Slap yourself in the face and get clarity!
     
    Andreas77 and Immature like this.
  5. Not healthy. Try soul-destroying.
     
  6. anewversion

    anewversion Fapstronaut

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    Read what you've written here. Is this the person you want to be?

    You CAN change. I have. Maybe not rid yourself completely. But you can de-escalate things over time.

    Step one. Stop spending ANY money on these activities. Not a single cent/penny more. It's finished.

    And no more access to your Fetish Life. You know that that is basically porn. It will lead you back to where your trying to leave. So that has to go as well.
     
  7. Joel Rengasammy

    Joel Rengasammy New Fapstronaut

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    Dude dont give your life savings away cant you see this is one of the side effects of porn fight it be strong im only a couple days nofap and im feeling a little bit better
     
  8. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    Woke up this morning felt horrible, regret for what i did, opened up skype had another session, thankfully i ran out credits and had to finish watching a porn vid, and i can't top up my account since my bank card was stolen a few days ago.

    I only keep posting here for accountability and messaging my best friend, and we have the same conversations. I'm pretty tired now. This is a 10 page thread, i don't want this to be a 20 page thread. I moved out of my apartment back home to my parents place the other day and my plan was to move country to Australia next week to work over the summer.

    I'm not bringing this shit with me, enough is enough. I'f im going to carry on this path i might aswell sabotage Australia and just go be a live in slave. But that's not life i want to live. If i carry on it's 0% chance of healing for sure. If you stop i have a good chance of healing otherwise it will only get harder.

    The bottom line is this, it's all just porn induced fantasy. If i stop i can get the same 'high' from real life woman which is what i want, this cam session shit has to stop because there just feeding off this fantasy that i have. I'm going to re-wire and rechange through real life experiences with woman. Because i tell you one thing, last weekend when i was at a club talking to a stunning girl on the balcony, i wasn't thinking about this femdom shit i was thinking about how i wanted her, and how stupid femdom was.

    But you can't have it both ways, you either decide to stay here looping the same bullshit, or pay the price to get out of the 'box'. Every box has a price to pay to get out of it, but if you pay it you're free. Life's too short, and when i re-read back this thread i realize one thing, i'm loosing a big thing, TIME.

    I'm nearly a year older and still doing the same shit, it's time to bed this for good and move on. You make your bed and sleep in it. I don't want to be fucking around doing CEI, cbt, Scat to some grizzly old woman. I want to be travelling the world meeting the girl of my dreams, then travelling with her, having great adventures.

    In saying all this as much as i want to sabotage myself i cant, because were all humans and people, no-one is perfect everyone has insecurities and makes mistakes and that's ok, and that's the secret because as Kano says in his song lyrics " But we all carry scars, we're all cut, we're grown ups" and that's ok. You don't get to sabotage your life because of that, mate haha keep calm and carry on, keep calm and carry on, and make it.

    When i wrote my list just now of top 10 things i want to do before i do, femdom wasn't even on the list. No1. Was to date my perfect girl. I'll finish this post with a quote to keep me going for the rest of my journey.

    "Keep fucking calm , and carry on and fucking make it".
     
  9. Gammakage

    Gammakage Fapstronaut

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    Assalamualaiukum bro, do you still live at home? Are your parents practicing Muslims or no? (This doesn't change my perception on you one bit but I am curious as it seems you need to immediately cut off your use of internet.)
     
  10. I would look into software that blocks websites. Also find out a way to completely get rid of skype. Try to find a way to both block and delete any phone numbers so that you cannot access them by just unblocking them. You can do it.
     
    Gammakage likes this.
  11. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    You are healing, keep going
     
    graham55 likes this.
  12. Albundy33

    Albundy33 New Fapstronaut

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    Hey graham55. I’ve been reading your thread for about an hour now.

    I have had a femdom fetish as well.

    I have been struggling with this particular porn genre for 4 years now.

    At this point in time, I have emended clarity on the situation and feel like you can benefit from reading what I’m about to say.

    I understand that you have been through the mud, feeling defeated and willing to try almost anything to beat this.

    After all of the posts on this thread, I’m surprised that nobody has mentioned prayer.

    May I suggest something.

    The next time you have those strong urges(demons), I want you to search on YouTube for prayers against sexual sin.

    Some of the prayers on there will lead to an actual breakthrough.

    The problems that you and I are having are not mental or physical, but spiritual.

    It’s not your fault. Jesus loves you more than you can even imagine.

    I love you

    It’s time to rise up!
     
    Deleted Account, Immature and Mckell like this.
  13. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    Only solution i see - get professional help from a licensed sex therapist - NOW. An online forum won't help you entirely.
    Find friends, find hobbies, talk to people.
    Get out of isolation.

    Go see a sex therapist.
    Go see a sex therapist.
    Go see a sex therapist.
    Go spend all your money on online doms...?
    ...NO go see a sex therapist.
     
    Immature and Mckell like this.
  14. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    25 days in, Australia was going great andddd a lapse just now. Maybe part of the reason was because I hadn’t used my labtop for over a month, as soon as I opened it up and check Twitter/emails a few things popped here and there and I got triggered.

    I reached that point of no return and crossed it , and after reading my previous post it’s a minor slip up.

    I’m pretty sure if i never had to use my labtop again I could have carried on but I need it for work and projects.

    25 days and 1 lapse, isn’t a terrible effort, 1 lapse doesn’t undo all that work, similar thing this time messaging dommes in Sydney eventually watching a porno in the hostel bathrooms.

    I’ll finish with my quote from my last post, right back on the horse, “keep calm and carry on”
     
    Immature and Deleted Account like this.
  15. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    Woke up this morning was going to start my day off right then it was like my mind got hijacked and I started the searches, messages and eventually watching porn cei and gave myself a facial. Luckily I rationalised and didnt eat it.


    It’s like the same loop over and over again. I’m in a hostel now so I feel bad leaving my room feeling and looking like shit so I prefer to stay in my room and watch porn.

    2 lapses in 26 days still not terrible, but I can’t let it slip again into a binge.


    You can’t control something that triggers you in this case it was my labtop, then a 2nd session, before that it was a homeless woman and thoughts.

    What you can control is your reaction to it. I will put certain lengths in place from now, no more checking that specific email, no more Twitter.

    The other week I went on a date with a stunning girl, my type to a T , and when I think about that now, I want her not this femdom shit.

    I’ve kinda already decided now the life I want to life so I can either keep looping the same bullshit or go out and get it.

    Ye I lapsed twice so what, that doesn’t mean I stay home now forever jerking and ruining my life why?

    Because no one is perfect like Kano said “ we all carry scars, and cuts were grown ups”

    The difference this time compared to every other time I’ve said this is one thing. I’m paying the price to get out the box, occasional thoughts and desires to keep the fetlife going but it will eventually cease in return I get to make my dreams a reality.

    Signing out now with a quote

    “Keep calm and carry on”
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2018
    anewhope and Themadfapper like this.
  16. Buzz Rees

    Buzz Rees Fapstronaut

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    What a journey, man!

    Find a replacement behaviour and try and automate it. Someone you call. A place that you go. Something harmless you do when the urge to relapse comes. Stuff you can do immediately and with vigour, without much thinking and any prep.

    You'll get there. Persist. Be strong. Say "no" to the dark urges next time they arise. You know you are and deserve better by now.
     
    graham55 likes this.
  17. yyz33

    yyz33 Fapstronaut

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    I understand the porn addiction. I would recommend trying out pluckeye it's a free chrome extension it blocks all videos and photos and you cannot get around it for a certain period of time however long you set it.
     
  18. pranav02

    pranav02 Fapstronaut

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    I haven't read all the posts here yet. But if I were you, I'd use the money you were planning to use to become a live-in slave to set up sessions with a therapist. I feel like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would be really effective and necessary in this situation.
     
  19. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    Another lapse just now. 4 days.
    The thought come and go it’s up to me now whether I’m going to keep letting it get one over on me or I’m going to fight and pay the price, get out the box and live my life.

    I’m going to make that little version of me proud now, I’ve had enough.

    “Keep calm and carry on”
     
    Immature likes this.
  20. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    You’ve got this @graham55 the more you fight, the weaker the urges will become
     

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