Beaker's Journal of Reboot & Recovery

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Beaker, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. Beaker

    Beaker Fapstronaut

    In bed. Tired. Today was a long day and tomorrow will be worse. Haven’t been intimate with my wife and I wish she were more proactive with regards to intimacy. I also know that is a big wish. She has said before that she doesn’t need sex as often as me. I suppose what I really wish for is that she would be my partner in the aspect of our marriage.

    Oh well. I can’t control people and I want my wife to have all the freedom she needs

    Have a good night brothers!

    Beaker!
     
  2. Beaker

    Beaker Fapstronaut

    Decided to take my frustrations out with tennis shoes. 6 miles down again. Was back to bed at 1:00 am.
     
  3. Beaker

    Beaker Fapstronaut

    Really struggling today. Not sure why. Maybe I just need a release and my best friend is singing like a siren.

    So...going to do a 30 minute workout to see if that helps.
     
  4. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    My 90-minute workout just helped me. Sometimes a blazing fire requires more oxygen deprivation :)

    Hang in there, bro. You know it will be worth it.
     
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  5. hopefuldude

    hopefuldude Fapstronaut

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    I had a hard time with it this afternoon too, heart just not in it. Let's both make it to the end of the day clean.

    HD
     
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  6. Beaker

    Beaker Fapstronaut

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  7. hopefuldude

    hopefuldude Fapstronaut

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    How ya' doing Beak?

    HD
     
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  8. Beaker

    Beaker Fapstronaut

    @hopefuldude, doing well. I had a busy weekend and I realized I need to check in, almost as a form of therapy.

    Busy and stressed out are sure triggers. I am learning that I can get good things done in the morning when I choose to focus on the right things.

    For years morning has been a time to get some exercise going! Only now am I learning that morning is a good time to get some work done, especially when I am stressed out with multiple projects on my plate.

    I am grateful for this personal revelation that I know has come from my Maker.

    So I’ll squeeze in a workout in the evening or during my lunch break.

    Hope all is well with you too @hopefuldude and all my other brothers!!
     
  9. hopefuldude

    hopefuldude Fapstronaut

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    So true. There's no way I could ever stay clean more than a couple of days without journaling on NF. It gives me a chance to reflect, plan, receive support and advice, and at times just confess.

    Have a great day Beak!

    HD
     
  10. Beaker

    Beaker Fapstronaut

    On a much needed family vacation. We love Moab, UT and look forward to some good adventures this week. This morning we drove to Dead Horse Point State park and did a 4-mile hike. We were all laughing and having a good time.

    At some point the thought hit me that I haven't looked at a girl and lusted after her or undressed her for some time, that includes my wife.

    I don't know if the "super powers" are true, but I started this journey hoping that I would experience many of them. That sounds really superficial. Stated differently, the super powers were the original hook. But now that I have some history as a newbie and find that being myself is coming more easily. I am less afraid of speaking my mind (maybe that comes with age). I am talking with strangers more freely and I am also not pursuing perfection.

    Nothing big, but to me it was worth posting.
     
  11. hopefuldude

    hopefuldude Fapstronaut

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    Totally worth posting. Nice.

    HD
     
  12. prettyboichad

    prettyboichad Fapstronaut

    I used to live in California, and hiking was so great! The view, wind, smell, nature, everything.
    ah, you're making a lot of progress! And it is everything I wish I was! So happy for you :3
    Congrats on 54 days man, it is a huge feat.
    Yay, success for you Beaker!
     
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  13. Beaker

    Beaker Fapstronaut

    Thanks @prettyboichad for your support and encouragement! I can’t believe I’ve gone this long either and hope I can continue with my progress, even if that includes a few or more steps backwards.

    I once heard an addict say that he spent all of his years researching his addiction (learning everything that didn’t work).

    In all honesty, I think I am successfully castrating myself from sexual desire. I don’t know if that is good or bad. But it has had a good impact on my life so it must be good.

    Thanks for spending some time with me today in my foxhole!
     
  14. prettyboichad

    prettyboichad Fapstronaut

    Your amiable personality just attracts me, it's tough to think you could be addicted to porn with such a great and awesome self. Your foxhole is awesome. Beaker is awesome.
     
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  15. Beaker

    Beaker Fapstronaut

    Bahahaha!! Thanks brother.
     
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  16. Beaker

    Beaker Fapstronaut

    Today was mostly a success. Emphasis on mostly. Conducted necessary actions to prepare my family for a year long separation for Army purposes. Snuck in a promotion. Ate dinner with a friend I went to Afghanistan with.

    And I also took a nap on the couch with my two chihuahuas!

    Then I woke up, hazy and lazy and read “news” from an app that came highly recommended. This is where the mostly comes into play.

    I had no business reading the “news” in my feed because it was a triggering event after being lazy and hazy. I said to myself, that’s why I deleted that app!!! I deleted the app but I get email notifications of interesting articles which I wanted to read. Non-triggering articles. So I downloaded the app again. But for me that app is a gateway drug and it should be avoided at all costs.

    So P for anywhere from 30 - 60 minutes. But no MO.

    I know it takes time to detox from anything from drugs to stress to driving for several hours. So I need to be patient with myself. After 20 years my brain has been trained to use P to relax.

    I will continue to fight this drug and with the grace of my God, I will beat it!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2019 at 11:39 AM
  17. hopefuldude

    hopefuldude Fapstronaut

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    So are you seperated from your family or are they going with you?

    HD
     
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  18. Beaker

    Beaker Fapstronaut

    @hopefuldude, We will be mostly separated. I will have weekends free and holidays...at least that’s what I’m told. Can’t wait for reality to hit me square in the face!

    Interestingly, I am looking forward to the challenge of full in PMO mode.
     
  19. hopefuldude

    hopefuldude Fapstronaut

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    Your a tuff cookie! I will be praying for you and I think I can speak for our brothers here at NoFap that we will continue to walk through it with you.

    I hope you still have opportunities to journal.

    HD
     
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  20. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    Yes, detox as necessary! Cleanse diet of no media for a week or two is one approach I take. News sites are a gateway for me, as well. Knowing your not alone in a weakness might help you not to be too hard on yourself.

    You've got a difficult path ahead. Thank you for your sacrifices!
     

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