Balancing Act in the Grey Area

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Oct 23, 2018.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    How you balance your own self-care, relationship recovery and all the responsibilities of parenting/adulting?

    I hate the grey area in the aftermath of DDay. I am so busy tending to twin babies and a toddler but I feel like I’m constantly mentally absent, on my phone researching. Searching for something tangible in this whirlwind of betrayal, recovery, and moving forward. I’m half assing everything it seems. Everything is diluted and I go from feelings of gloomy disconnect to denial/optimism. Probably a little depression lingering.

    How long until I should function normally? Ever?

    There’s no clear answer. Sometimes I feel strong for embarking on rebuilding and sometimes I feel weak for putting up with over a decade of my husband sexually reaching out to countless other women via chats while I was neglected and at my wits end wondering what was wrong with our marriage.
     
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  2. tammygeorge

    tammygeorge Fapstronaut

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    sending you lots of love. Must be so taxing physically, emotionally, and mentally. A very smart member on this page gave me some great advice. To focus on myself. On health and happiness. I know divorce is not on the table. Especially with children! My gawd. It’s very hard to crawl out of this hole. Your words are perfect. The way you describe your situation I also know that you have no ounce of energy as it’s your kids and the emotional affair your husband is having. Maybe mentally break up with him. Start living your life. Treat him like a roommate. Take time for yourself and give that jerk some responsibility. Say I’m going to the gym, workout, walk. Please take care of our kids. Read an inspiring book. Set goals. Do anything but think of him. Build yourself up. I know how much our partners have broken us down. Best of luck from afar!
     
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  3. tammygeorge

    tammygeorge Fapstronaut

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    Me again. Be selfish back... but for the good. As he is selfish with you, you be with him. All your focus and attention to yourself. Your healing and happiness! The babies deserve a happy momma
     
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  4. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind words! I think I’m going to take you up on that advice. He lied to my face again last night. I’m so tired of him wasting my time. My energy could be spent in much better ways than obsessing on his recovery which I ultimately have no control over.
     
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  5. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Some call that ‘detach with love’ in that you don’t create things for which the SO can blame you.

    Then the blame has a better chance to land on the bad actor.

    Easily said, harder to do.

    Although strength and strong boundaries do tell him and show him what you need and what he needs to do. Someone may express it better; so many wish you an easier time in your situation.

    Worked with newly sober kids, I’m seeing their lassitude, deception and slowness to see their situation. Wish you clarity with your intuition to walk a simple enough path caring for your babies.
     
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  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    @tammygeorge, you go girl! You're giving out awesome advice.
    She's totally right ya know. How do you balance? You don't. You focus on YOU. And when you tip the scales, he has to pick up the slack. Besides, he's been a slacker in the relationship all along, has he not? Focus on you God first (if you believe in that sort of thing), you second, your children third, and the rest will just have to get in line. You have Twins. You don't really have time for anyone else.

    I'm not surprised you're mentally absent. Stop researching. That's his job. How long? As long as you are ready, willing, and able to tolerate. That's it, and not a minute more. Will it ever get better? It can, but that all depends on him. Is he ready, willing, and able? That's the real question at stake here.

    You are strong. You are resilient. You're a saint for sticking around and putting up with our shit. Don't feel weak. You did the best you could with what you knew and had. There's no dishonor in that. Think about the tenacity you have for trying to make this marriage work. I am in awe. I wish mine were as strong.

    This is the death of a bad marriage. That's a good thing. Now grieve the through the process, and know that's what it is. It is a grieving process, and you WILL go through all five stages of grief. And no matter what, you're seeking help and you're seeking answers. Whatever happens, you'll come out much better on the other side of this.
     
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  7. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Ghost. You have a knack for providing comfort and solidarity. You are right. It is dead and either something new will be reborn of the ashes or I will move on. Honestly not sure the rebirth could even happen until after he’s out of the 90 days? His brain doesn’t seem to be working.

    Last night he lied to me several times to my face. So today I packed up kids and left the state to stay with family for a while. I don’t know if it is even feasible to rebuild unless the deception stops but how would I even know? He lies relentlessly until I tell him of my evidence of the truth. I swear it seems like a mental problem. I guess it has always been. Maybe I’m getting out of denial. Sad though because he was showing progress. Tired of the crazy. Speaking of crazy, he blatantly accused me of that when I was packing up to leave. Gaslighting at its finest.

    Oh and know what was happening during his lies and potential relapse? I was at the ER with our youngest child. This is just nonsense. Hello threshold. Goodbye liar.
     
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