Back to day 0 :(

Back again to the first day, very annoying. It started from yesterday. Exactly last night. Initially, I wanted to open a website on my iphone. Unintentionally, I opened my pornography history. Arrrrgghh, I really hate the moment last night. I think I'll be strong. I still remember watching a woman masturbate. Fuck this. Then I moved upstairs to satisfy my lust, and finally I masturbate to ejaculate twice.


I'm so sorry what I did after that. I've removed history from my browser. Today, I'm sexting with my instagram friend. I want to excite this desire. I do not know if I'll be strong. My friend please help me to get through my first day. Now, in my country it's 7 o'clock at night. There are still many possibilities for me to masturbate. My mind is screwed up, very messy.

 

Day 0


Failed, again failed. I hate it. Very hated this all. I masturbate again just now. Half an hour ago I masturbate again. This all started when I chat with my instagram friend. I even invited him to sexting and I ended up masturbating. And the second masturbation today with my girl friend while we were video call, I was very horny to see her face and she was playing her lips. I really hate it today.

 

Day 1 & Day 2


These two days are an exhausting day. my head was dizzy, the condition still can not focus on something. Everything was broken and I could not concentrate. It's a tough day. yesterday almost I failed. Luckily, yesterday I was always with my family so I did not have time alone. Yesterday I invited my instagram friend to sexting, but I already remove the conversation with her and I pursued my intention to continue sexting. I need to tell you that I have a bipolar disorder, and right now I'm having therapy in the third month. This is my last month of therapy. I went to a psychiatrist.


I thought my bipolar disorder was why I was addicted to pornography. But I do not know. Sometimes I also notice that pornography causes my bipolar disorder. There will be no end if I think about it.


Last day I went through preparing material about HRD. But I'm a little disappointed because I did not find a single person to share my material. Almost masturbation again yesterday.


I want a different life. My life is like this, getting worse from day to day. I want a better life. I do not know, I'm dizzy. What should I do.


Today I took my sister to ciamis for the marriage process. Next year my sister is getting married. May I strong today hold back my lusts.


To suppress my lust I try to dhikr "Laa ilaaha illallahh" every day in the heart. I do it with my lips closed by moving my tongue inside. Hopefully today I can hold my lust.

 

Back to days 0 & 1


Tired me out with this trip. A struggle whenever will be succeed. Failed again. Yesterday I masturbate again. I can not control my lust. Today will be my first day when I succeed.


I like a woman. I will not mention her name here. And now I am practicing the practice with the prayer dhikr "Allahumma layyanta qolba ___________ kamaa layyantal hadiida lidaawuda alaihissalam". This prayer I got from my mother. She said if you like the woman amalkan this dhikr to melt the heart of the woman to remember to God. So, her heart will always remember Allah because of the intercession of your prayer.


Hope this becomes one of the ways to avoid from my masturbation. Remembering that woman, I remember God. So he intercedes for me to recover from my masturbation. I've had so much of my life.