Awful HOCD (or that´s what I think)

Hello. I´ve through several forums searching information about what the hell is happening inside of me, but NoFap is the one that has made me attemp a real change on my life. I became a fapstonaut 32 days ago but, at the moment, I have to say that my sexual sensations are quite bipolar, I am not better I think. I´d like to get out a lot of things out of my chest.
Firstly, I´d like to explain my story. I began to watch porn when I was a very little kid. I think I was around 10 or 11. Since the beggining, I became addict without knowing it. I had no Wifi, so I get advantage of every time I got Internet to download a lot of porn, even porn that, in that moment, was too hard for a child. Everytime I get alone, I went to my computer, play several videos and then... you know. I have lost a lot of time watching porn. I also watch a lot of porn acompanied by friends. Then, while we were watching porn, we played "games" like waking each other, or even try anal (we only tried, now it is a disgusting memory).
The time flied and we keep on doing that thing but, along the time, the intensity of that stuff was decreasing until we rarely wank each other (we only wank together but not touching one another). One year ago was the last time we wank together. I didn´t have sexual desire for my friends, I only have that obsession on their penises. When I watched theirs I got an instant erection. Outside that, I must say I have masturbated thinking on another´s penises for a long time but never stopping considering myself as straight, it was an obssesion more than a definition of my real sexuality. It´s important to say that along all of this time, I dreamt on being with a girl. I have always considered them strange and I have very difficulties to understand them but, anyway, I have love them for my entire life. I´ve looked at them with desire for almost all my life.
Here is what all HOCD began. I was 15 and one simple thing drove me mad. I noticed that one of the girl I had a crush on that time asked if I was gay. She were so pretty and I wanted her so much. For that, it was so important in my mind. At the beggining, it felt normal but when days passed the obssesion grow up. I was very obsessed about that. I began to watch guys differently and, sometimes, a got a groinal response only watching them. It was so strange. Eventually, it dissapeared but soon it came back. On a period of distress and a low self steem, I began watching gay porn. I was like tired of watching straight porn. I did it ejaculating but it felt so strange, ejaculation was not plesaurable. Despite that, I continue watching and wanking to that, although I have never stopped watching straight porn (I have to masturbate with straight porn after doing it with gay porn to feel "clean"). That year I had a crush on a beatiful woman, but I could not do nothing (or I did not want to). After this, my eternal failure in love, HOCD exploded when I ejaculated to gay porn being my flatmate talking outside the bath. I noticed I had a problem there, addiction and also an identity problem. I felt so horrible. Since then til today I have been on the worst part of the HOCD. Checking, cheking and cheking... mental compulsions and a lot of porn material to check. The problem is that gay porn was more arousing to me, although I did not identified with that and, in the end, I don´t feel as good as after thinking on a woman.
One big problem has been that, along this ardous path, I have a lot of sexual desire for women. I think the excesive consumption of porn has made me be a person with no sexual imagination, in addition to the false concept of sex given by porn. It is difficult to me to imagine myself (in the real world) penetrating a woman, I know that I would love it but when I try to expand my imagination, I notice that it is blocked.
It has been said on this forum that with NoFap, your true sexuality comes out. Well, right now, I feel like that images of penises or gay porn are still more powerful, altough I stil get aroused by straight stuff, but with less power. Lately I have felt something I had never felt before: I feel like I like almost every boy I see, even the ugly ones! It is like I had two brains fighting each other and, by the moment, the gay brain is ahead. I still think I am not gay because this may be perfectly a symthom of HOCD, but right now I don´t now what to think. My arousal with woman is almost dead and with men... it is somenthing strange, I don´t feel that in real life I could be with a men. I wouldn´t like kiss or hold a men, that is something that always has been on my head but when I think about I usually get groinal response which made me mad. Right now, I am like I should get out of the closet, becausemaybe my real brain is the gay brain and the other one is a bulding of the society in me. I have doubts about that too because I have never been guided by what society says and I feel that I were gay I had noticed earlier.
But I don´t know, it is an eternal hesitation. I had to share this and watch what you guys think and also to tell me if you have or had a similar experience. Thank you reading guys.

 

Firstly, thank you for your answers. I appreciate your advices.
HEADSPACE. You message is very inspiring. Along my sexual history I have masturbated thinking about penis but not about the whole person, nor even thinking about touch him. Its the others penis whats give me arousal. I have no doubt that it may be because of porn. I also have looked cufflinks and ABS, but I didn't do it on a sexual way til the HOCD exploded. At this moment, when I began with the obsesion I grew up a new one: watching obssesively at feet, hands or noses of another boys. I think thats because I read an article by that time in which it was said that if you have that parts big, then you will have your penis big. Its very strange. Before that I havent thought about being with a men and their feet, their hard and hairy bodies doesnt call me. It wasnt my thing and when I thought about it, I got even nausea. Now it is different.

 

Moreover, I wanna add some things more to explain my case.
My relationships with girls have been quite weird along my life. I was a very shy boy and dont talk to them too much, but I liked them. I am an only child and I had a few friends when I was a kid, I was bullied in some way. I think one of the main reasons of the problem is overprotection from my family.
When masturbation began, I thought wtf is that they are doing? But then i begin for myself and I was interested on doing that with others, like a way of making friends.
Returning to the girls theme, when I was a child I fell in love with several girls. I remember when I was very young that I was like "dating" with other girl. Well, I only remember that we were on a swing and suddenly she ran away crying. Thats very disturbing.
I have noticed along the years that I tend to fantasize platonic relationship but im scared of a real one. I think i am philophofic too. Its like women are so complex... Now my desire for girl is almost dead but time ago just a little touch was worth for an erection. Or if a girl I considered pretty talked to me I began to overthink about even our future on a relationship. Its an illnes that dont let me go on.
I gotta few more things to say, I'll write them later