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Attracted to Married Woman

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Aug 18, 2018.

  1. Thanks guys. I think that maybe I was a little too harsh sounding in my previous post. Maybe what I'm looking for is just to start setting some kind of boundaries with her, like this may mean finding ways to express my discomfort, irritation, with her when it's called for, or to simply disagree with her more when it's called for (like if we disagree on how to proceed on a particular case). Just to tell her to kind of "back off" a bit.
    Barry, I really do appreciate the perspective because it is a great foil for how I normally see things with her. I don't think I would tell her how I feel at all in that direct sort of way you mentioned because that would totally pop the sexual tension and would also make the job terribly awkward and wouldn't be good for my career I don't think. Honestly, the kind of relationship we have had, as I have described it, has been great for each of us doing our best at our job. So we both do get something out of it and help each other be better at what we do. I'm just wondering what she really thinks about me, and what the state of her personal life is, so I like the idea of trying to find ways to "test" her, but do it in an indirect way, not a direct way.

    So glad I'm having this conversation :)
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. I do understand the emotions that go along with having a “work wife”. There was one lady I had strong emotions for. I kept my true feelings to myself but I was acting kinda dumb in a way. I’d show up to work sometimes two hours early to spend time with her and she welcomed the company. It was all plutonic, but wow I really thought (and still think) “This woman’s character is wonderful, really something special.”

    After she left the company I stayed in touch with her casually. Her husband died and after over a year after that I started to show how I really felt about her and she quit responding. I kinda felt bad about that since I really liked her but I guess I did need to move on.
     
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  3. Sorry to hear how that ended, that sucks
     
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  4. Just thinking more about this issue. It really feels good to be able to have a place to talk about it. Yeah it's a wonderful relationship and all, but I'm slowly realizing how unfulfilling it is. Why have I put so much stock in it? Again, goes back to the never having dated thing, the 20 years of PMO thing. If I had addressed these issues before I started this job, I'd likely have my own person to go home to, a fulfilling relationship, etc. Now this realization sort of "taints" the relationship a little bit. Like it's more a result of my own pathology. And it's not really been a relationship of choice, either, because within the parameters of the job, we have to work together. So it's been a relationship where I've been passive, not active. She provides me with an easy, comfortable, temporary way out of my loneliness. I'm just trying to understand the significance of it. I really know the solution is to look for my own person, and not waste too much time and energy in the wrong direction. I don't want to waste time worrying about "what she thinks", "testing her", "what's going on in her personal life", blah blah blah. That'll just get me in deeper, further down the rabbit hole with her. That's not the direction I'm supposed to go. Yes it's good to have such a good relationship, someone I communicate well with, someone who's easy on the eyes, someone who brightens up the job, etc. That can all still be kept in place. Nothing wrong with that. But I have to branch out and move on.

    Did I already mention it feels good to talk about this?
     
  5. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    This sounds like a really mature perspective to take. I would like add food for thought if I may.

    She is most likely the way she is with you because she feels safe to respect you. Respect you as person, your intelligence, a team mate. You would be very surprised how guarded most women are in the workplace around men. Look at as a compliment towards you but it doesn’t mean she is attracted to you sexually, or with assumptions she has problems/board at home. It shouldn’t matter if she easy on the eyes, she’s a respected teammate.

    I know as woman in a male dominated profession I am certainly more open with my male coworkers I felt the safest with. whom I felt respected me for me and my work ethics and whom I respected the most. They became good friends with my husband too even though I don’t work with them anymore.
     
  6. Hi Jennica, thank you
    Yes, I would agree that the attitude she takes towards me, is one of respect. That has always been apparent, and why it feels so good. Hit the nail on the head. It feels good to be respected. And I feel the same way about her. Respect and admiration. (I know, I know, the "looks" part is really just fluff, the "icing" on the cake)
     
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  7. One part of that respect and trust that feels great is being able to share a wide range of things in conversation and she does the same with me. Being able to share in deeper intellectual talk with a woman that cares is so much different than with male friends. Woman have an empathy that I don’t see in men.

    So being single and having that kind of relationship available at work is very nice.

    It be nice if I can find a girlfriend and eventually wife. But it’s no longer something I’m actively pursuing. I’m working on making my life PMO free by getting out and doing things outside of the house.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I do have pleasant memories of several wonderful married female coworkers for years past. And currently I have several current married female coworkers that really bright up my work experience.
     
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  8. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I’m glad it hit the nail on the head!
    The key here though that I want drive home for you is that she feels SAFE to show her respect towards you.
     
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  9. In my opinion she just acts the way with you because she knows that you never try to do something more then just work with her. I think woman often are at first cautious because they fear that it goes into a sexual thing. When they notice it is just "friend" based, they get deeper into this relationship. Maybe you just have this deep relationship only because you never did something sexual.

    In my opinion there are two very bad aspects. First the work think, second that she is married.

    It could go this way: you test her and she accepts it and starts a work affaire with you. But never forget, she is married and will surely go back to her husband and kids. And with the sexual work stuff it is always really dangerous. It can all come back to you. You are the bad one. You get fired becuase of sexual harassmant. You lose the deep relationship, your favourite job and it will get hard to find a new job.

    Second bad way: she looks through your intention and it will damage your relationship. she will get rejective and fears that it happens again.

    Even if she accepts it and you will get a couple. Work couples are not that good. You need your empty space in a relationship.

    No matter which way it comes to, it won't be healthy for your job imo.

    I had a gf at university who studied same stuff as I did. After we broke up we see each other every day. It took me twice the time of our relationship to come over it. If you get rejected it hurts both of you.

    So I guess you should'nt change anything. You will regret it. Some distance can help, but imo you should'nt do more.

    Hope I could help you and you can understand my point. :)
     
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  10. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    This is so relate-able
     
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  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hello, I didn't read alot of the comments... I wanted to offer my perspective however.
    It sounds to me, like she isn't getting mental or emotional fulfillment from her husband and she knows she can get that crutch from you.
    You are the void fill.
    Maybe her husband is a porn addict? We don't know.
    I do know if she had emotional stimulating conversations at home she would not be over dramatizing work problems.
    You need to set some boundaries.
    She most likely has a mental set of her own that she will never cross because she is in her own world with this and has been for awhile now.
    I'm sorry that you are being dragged along, you are nobodys "pet".
    You sound like a nice guy and I hope you have a good relationship in the future with someone who appreciates you.
    Good luck
    -Kenzi
     
  12. Thank you!!
     
  13. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    If you figure out any ways to overcome this then let me know, because I think about this girl at work all the time. I can't get her out of my head. I've had the same thought processes as you. In my dreams / imagination she breaks up with her partner and we begin a whirlwind romance.

    However, I know this is on the highly unlikely side. It is also wishful thinking. Part of me considers, moving job, but the reality is, I would be broken if I never saw or spoke to her again. Sometimes in passing, she mentions her weekends / holidays with her partner and I feel like the world is crashing down, I try to change topics immediately, although she never mentions anything lovey duvey she does with him. When she's on the phone to him she sounds quite hostile actually. But this guy is nothing like me, I'm like the polar opposite of him which makes me think she would in no way be attracted to me.

    All I'm focused on now is rebooting. . .
     
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  14. Hi Tweeby, for me I think the best way to overcome it is to really start looking at available women instead. I'm working on that, lots of deep-seated issues with that too, but I'm working on it. Doesn't mean I can't have the great work relationship with her, but I shouldn't care about anything more to it than that. I shouldn't be trying to figure out why she acts the way she does, it should not be any of my concern. If for whatever reason she's not happy with her personal life, well that would make me feel bad for her, but there's no way for me to know any of that for sure and really it shouldn't be my problem, it's her problem. If there's ever a day when she says "I'm divorcing my husband", then that may change things, but I'm not holding my breath.
    You sound a little more attached to your colleague, than I am to mine. Doesn't sound like it's healthy for you. You're focused on rebooting, but how would you say your love life is, outside of this colleague?
     
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  15. I should add that a reason this issue is so important to me and feels good talking about, is that this colleague of mine is also a trigger for me to PMO, if that wasn't apparent. Especially more so lately I think. And more of an issue while I am trying to abstain from porn too, because without porn I'm increasingly likely to be thinking sexual thoughts about "real" women, including her. I see that as a good, positive sign, as long as it doesn't lead me to PMO. Like I might see her, or talk to her, and I just get sort of a restless, excited feeling, briefly think of sex with her, and then that'll lead me to PMO later on, so I have to watch out for that
     
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  16. Something else that helps me with this issue, is being aware of what I see as her flaw(s). So for example, even though we work as a team, I have more of a therapeutic approach to the job, she has more of a law enforcement approach. I really respect her for what she does, however sometimes I find myself disagreeing with her law enforcement approach to things, and sometimes I doubt that she really understands the people we work with and their mental health issues. Like she could work on her empathy for people. Keeping this in mind helps dull the infatuation feelings I have for her sometimes, and helps me feel less powerless in the situation, kind of like "aha, your charms don't work on me, because I know this about you". And then I'm able to go on my own way, until the next time we talk/meet. Helps to have kind of a skeptical eye
     
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  17. David stone

    David stone Fapstronaut

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    You already spend much time on it. Trying to figure it out...just go with the flow. And try dating outside workarea
     
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  18. Yeah I know I spend too much time on it.... but the difference is that now I actually have a place on this thread to talk about it openly and get feedback/perspective from other people, whereas I just kept it to myself for 7+ years before.
     
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  19. Bman101

    Bman101 Fapstronaut

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    We all need somebody with whom we can talk openly about some issues. We also want you to get to find a great person with whom you can resonate and date!
     
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