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At my wits end, heart broken, need help.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by heartbrokenwife92, Sep 17, 2017.

  1. heartbrokenwife92

    heartbrokenwife92 Fapstronaut

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    My husband is a porn addict. When we first got together, he was doing PMO several times a day. So much so that he was unable to orgasm with me. Not until months into our relationship was he able to achieve orgasm with me. When we first started dating, he said he hoped our relationship would bring him away from the porn habit. I was patient. But after months of no change, I asked that he get some help or do something, as it was severely impacting our sex life. Eventually, a year ago I told him I needed him to stop or I would leave. He put a blocker on the router and boomerang on his phone.

    Clean for a while, many relapses. Threatened to leave every time. Every time he was sorry and would never do it again.

    In January I feel pregnant. He asked me to marry him. I agreed, since if course the porn would stop since we were married and having a child. And it did. For 6 months. Then a relapse. I threatened again to leave. We saw a counselor., I really thought maybe it would stop this time. That long without a relapse.

    That was 3 months ago. Today, he downloaded 2 videos while I was in the bathroom. (We don't have internet, he has to use my wifi hotspot).

    I told him to get help. He promises he will this time. He will get help. But I'm at my wits end. I was in the other room. And after he did it (not knowning I had seen him) he asked for a blow job.

    To be clear, I am 25 and good looking. He's 41. He gets whatever he wants sexually from me wherever he wants it. My drive is much higher. But we have sex once a day, and he gets on demand blow jobs. Lack of sex is not an issue with us.


    I need advice. Please. I don't know where else to turn. I'm sick of being hurt. I'm sick of being heart broken. He's a very smart, emotionally intelligent self aware man. He acknowledges this is an addiction and that he has it bad. I know he feels bad for hurting me. I know he wants to change. But it never stops. What do I do? My 3 boys love him like a father. Our little girl is days old. I don't want to leave him, but I can't take this pain anymore.
     
  2. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Have you guys read any books on the subject yet? One that really helped us, specifically my husband, was "Love You, Hate the Porn".
     
  3. heartbrokenwife92

    heartbrokenwife92 Fapstronaut

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    We haven't, no. There's no way he would read a book that I suggested. See that would be trying to micro mange his recovery and he won't have that.

    I just feel like my god, what hope can there be if he was willing to turn it on in the same room as my sleeping newborn daughter while I stood feet away in the bathroom?

    It's like he doesn't want to change. He tells me how badly he does, but he won't take this site seriously. He won't read the things I "assign him" to read (ask, I never demand I ask)

    Tonight he walked out on me, leaving me to care for my rambunctious 2 year old twin boys and our premature daughter who just came home from the hospital. He blamed this on me...again. Once again this is my fault for not being sensitive of his problem. I'm irrational.
     
  4. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Really sorry to hear of the pain he is causing you. There are patterns in his behaviour that many SOs here will recognise. He seems to have all the power in the relationship - perhaps partly because of the age difference and because he knows that with four young children you cannot easily carry out your threat to leave him. You've threatened to leave before when you weren't married and didn't have a child together and never did, so why would you do it now?

    He is quick to put the blame on you for the problem he has caused. He claims to want to quit but never does. He is getting all the sex he wants 'on demand' and whenever he relapses into porn there are no long-term consequences for him.

    While he has all the power, I doubt he will ever change. You need to decide for yourself what you would do if he said - 'this is who I am, take it or leave it'. (By not committing to change, that is effectively what he is saying). Would you stay with him or would you leave? Would you rather have the problem continually resurfacing throughout your life together, or get him out of your life while you are still young and look for someone else? That is a horribly difficult choice but I think you need to be honest with yourself and come to that decision.

    If you decide you'd rather stay with him, even with porn in your life, then you should stop threatening to leave. An empty threat only undermines your position. You can explain to him again, how much this issue affects you and say that you need him to fix it for the health of your marriage. You can say you need to be involved in micro-managing his recovery, because all his attempts to manage it have failed. You need evidence of his commitment and his progress. Couples therapy might be a good place to start if you can find a therapist who 'gets it'. You need to find sanctions you are prepared to follow through on so that he knows you are serious. (No more BJs might be a place to start).

    If you decide that ultimately you would be prepared to leave, then that puts you in a stronger position. You can be more insistent about setting boundaries and spelling out the consequences should he cross those boundaries. One way or another you need him to truly commit to quitting and being open and honest with you. It sounds as if he is a world away from that at the moment.

    I am sorry I cannot offer more help. The SOs here may be able to relate more to the power imbalance and offer their own advice.

    I wish you the best of luck

    ANH
     
  5. I know that to myself I used to blame my PMO on my wife. Never to her face.
    I would tell myself she should be helping me more. If she did the things I wanted her to, I wouldn't have to see someone on the internet do them. If she took care of my every need, I wouldnt have to do it myself.
    Of course this was all just a blame game. I wanted to quit, but I wanted it to be easy. I didn't want to cultivate self-control, I didnt want to take responsibility. I could continue to live in my fantasy world and avoid the terrible overwhelming feelings I had, and it could be her fault.
    In truth there was nothing she could have done that would make me stop until I decided to. Once I took responsibility and quit blaming, I started making progress. Because of my actions, my wife isn't as kind to me even as she used to be and yet still I am making progress in recovery more than ever before.
    You can support your husband in his recovery. Support the steps he is willing to take, even suggest things that will help, but none of it is your fault, so you can't change it.
    I'm really sorry about your situation, but from experience it's all on him. He won't be able to quit if he only does it because you want him to. He has to want to for himself.
    I hope the SO on this sight can give you comfort and support so you don't feel so alone. :(
     
  6. heartbrokenwife92

    heartbrokenwife92 Fapstronaut

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    Is it possible that he honestly just doesn't have control of this situation? That's what he seems to imply. That it's not even really a conscious decision. Just something he does when his mental health is suffering or he's feeling stressed. It really does seem that way.
    Maybe I'm looking for an excuse for his behavior. I guess I'm trying to find some justification in my head other than he's malicious and cruel.

    I'm a recovering addict. Opiates. I'm on methadone. I know when I was using, it didn't matter how much I said I was gonna quit, I would fall right back into it when left to my own devices because I was really really bad off. I guess I keep trying to think of it like that. Like, maybe he wants to stop. I honestly think he does. Based on the things he says and how he acts when this happens it really seems like he wants to stop, but he's so addicted, his brain is so sick, that he just can't control himself.

    Or something like that.



    Then again, I got clean. Well, I guess kinda. I'm on methadone and if I didn't have that, I don't think I would have the willpower to stay clean. At this point In my life, I know I wouldn't.

    Even if that is the case, and he is that badly addicted, does it change how I treat the situation?

    Sorry I'm ranting. I'm just sitting here up in the middle of the night...feeding our daughter and pumping. I just feel sick to my stomach with hurt and betrayal. I couldn't leave him right now if I wanted to. I don't have the means.

    I'm sure he's gonna text me awful angry vile things from work all day. I have to get up in a few minutes to take him. It's gonna be a shitty car ride.
     
    KevinesKay likes this.
  7. Hi @heartbrokenwife92. Welcome to the forum!

    I agree with what the guys said above, with everything! The power imbalance seems to be the problem, yes. And threats never work, unless they are actual boundaries with consequences. You see, a threat is saying "You are bad and I'm going to punish you". A boundary says "I need this in my life (or for me), and if I don't get it, this is what I'm going to do to provide safety for myself". So threats are about him, but boundaries are about you. When we threaten, we are typically angry and emotional. When we assert boundaries, we just calmly do things to take care of ourselves (and our kids). Think about it.
    Here is a good article for you to read on "Requests, Demands, and Ultimatums" https://vickitidwellpalmer.com/requests-demands-ultimatums/
     
    anewhope and Deleted Account like this.
  8. And yes yes yes, he is an addict BIG TIME and he needs professional help. Enough with his bullshit about not wanting to be micromanaged in his recovery. Obviously he can't control it himself - he needs help, pushing, micromanaging, babysitting, at least at the beginning. If not by you, then by someone else, like a REAL sponsor or an accountability partner, or CSAT therapist. Forget about couple therapy for a while, he needs a sex addiction therapist first to address his issues, because it seems that's the biggest problem at the moment, and he is in denial about it all. The couple therapy, with his addict mentality, might just further traumatize you, especially if the therapist is not trained in sex addiction too. That said, you should look into getting a good betrayal trauma therapy for yourself, so you can be functional for your kids and yourself. And don't even think about relapsing to opiates, not even when depressed or at the bottom... FOR REAL! FOR YOUR KIDS, if not for you. OK, sorry for my tone, but I'm a bit too passionate sometimes.
    We have a ton of resources on this forum for both of you. Videos, articles, experience, stories, support, hugs, even uplifting music :) Just post away and ask for help on anything and everything, whenever you need.
     
  9. heartbrokenwife92

    heartbrokenwife92 Fapstronaut

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    That's really helpful, thank you.

    I really want there to feel like there's hope. But it's so hard when I see just how deep this addiction runs.

    Right now he's not speaking to me, and I feel scared of losing him. Scared that he is leaving me. Every time this winds up happening. He relapses and somehow it winds up being me that's begging him not to leave me.

    I suppose one could say I have co dependency issues. (Jk I totally do)

    Seriously tho other than this, he is an amazing husband and father. We're best friends. We have a very happy family. And the truth is I don't want to lose him.

    But I also want...need...a faithful partner.

    It's so difficult and i resent him so much for putting me in this position.
     
  10. Don't lose hope! Most guys here, the ones with hundreds of days sobriety and completely or almost recovered ones, they all have similar stories to tell. They all lied they heads of both to themselves and everyone around. Most of them were in denial about the severity of their problems, at least at some point.

    If he is a good father and husband, then you have two things less to worry about :) These guys are also victims themselves and need serious help. Don't let that fool you, though. You are not the one to provide all the help. You can be supportive in his healing, but he has to be supportive in your healing too, at least after he gets how much you got hurt in the process (and that can also take some time). So, that means both of you need outside help separately, and then together, but only after some individual work.

    And don't let the *severity* of his addiction scare you too much either. Most PAs, who have been PMOing for more than a year or so, escalate their addiction to get the same dopamine high they used to get from milder material/behavior. And they typically minimize their problems/severity/frequency, etc. My BF is a really good guy too, excellent with the kids, cooks, cleans, makes me coffee. He lied so badly... He said he "might have watched P once or twice within a year since we met". Well, the *latest* truth is that he dedicated all his free time on P, p-subs, sexual fantasy books, and half-naked celebrity "news", with P being as frequent as daily sometimes. So yes, even the good guys hide and lie because of their shame and whatever other issues are their problem. The type of P they watch also escalates over time. Mine claimed to be watching "normal man/woman P". Some digging revealed that he escalated to transwomen, etc. I don't even know the whole truth probably, because he is still having difficulties with openness and/or real honesty, where you don't omit stuff, because it's embarrassing or "may hurt me". Healing takes time and patience.

    So, to make it clear to you, your situation is not hopeless. It's normal what you're feeling and sick, but normal, what he, as an addict, is doing. Scary? Yes! Doable? Yes!
     
    phuck-porn! and anewhope like this.
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  12. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear about your troubles. Seems like you have gone through a lot.

    Both of you are addicts, you with your Meth / Opiates, him with his Sex and Love addiction. Addicts attract each other. Relationships between addicts (and I speak from experience (My wife is in OA from overeating)) are either like fireworks or a complete nightmare.

    I have worked with drug addicts for years (Im a doctor), and recognise just how difficult it is to stay clean. You have done well substituting to Methadone. Well done. I don't believe one addiction is worse than another. However, Sex and Love addiction is free and at the tip of your fingers. That does make it very difficult to stay clean. Its like having gear just lying around the house...

    Perhaps the best way forward is to reflect on what you would do if you replapsed on opiates. Would your partner be supportive? Would you expect him to stand by you while you sort yourself out?

    I think you both need support. You need it from a partners perspective but also as previously mentioned trauma work. Also as sex drive returns on reducing methadone (opiates and porn activate the same receptors in the brain) it would probably do you both good to get into a recovery program. I would suggest SLAA / SAA / SA would be a good start with perhaps NA / DAA for yourself.

    Don't be harsh on him. His porn is your gear. Thats all.

    Feel free to IM if you need further info.
     
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  13. Jason911

    Jason911 Fapstronaut

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    @heartbrokenwife92 you and your husband are in my prayers. Don't allow despair to overtake you. Welcome to the forum.
     
  14. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Fantastic series of supportive posts @novibe , you are a heroine.
    ANH
     
    Kenzi and Deleted Account like this.
  15. heartbrokenwife92

    heartbrokenwife92 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you everyone for your support.

    Unfortunately, after I posted this, things went the way they usually do when I find him looking at porn. Which is he gets angry (because of his shame, but it's veiled in anger towards me) and left. Went out of town for the night to get drunk and party with his friends, leaving me alone with our 4 kids including our 3 week old daughter. Keep in mind that I had not slept in 2 days prior to all this. He has not helped me at all with the baby since she's been home. Not one feeding, not one diaper change, nothing. I literally had no way to get my kids from daycare because he decided to leave. (We only have a car big enough to fit 3 of 4 right now) and he could have fucking cared less what situation he left me in. I'm sorry, but there's NO excuse for that.

    Also, his friend gave him a laptop. So he took it back to his moms and I can only guess what he did with the unsupervised internet access he had for the time he was there.

    He's back home now. Trying to work it out. I resent him so much now. I'm trying my best but I'm so angry at him for what he did. I'm not even talking about the porn at this point, I mean leaving me and the kids to totally fend for ourselves.

    He's not the man I married. At least it doesn't feel like it.
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2017
  16. Sirkingington

    Sirkingington Fapstronaut

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    Damn, that sucks, I feel terrible for you. I wish you all the best.
    This is hard as I know the grips of porn, but I have a girlfriend and I quickly realised it was porn or her. The thought of losing her was enough to keep me straight so far.
    I honestly cannot know what to do in your situation but everyone deserves to be happy, including you. You deserve love and respect, if you are not getting that you may have to look inwardly too see what you want and how to get it.
    I wish you all the best, good luck to you, your children and hope your husband find the strength he needs to keep his.promises to you
     
    anewhope likes this.
  17. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry. This is just terrible. I can't fathom how one can be so thoughtless and careless like this. You deserve more. I hope he wakes up and realizes what he is doing.
     
    anewhope likes this.
  18. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    So sorry you've been treated so badly. :(
     

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