Asking a girl out

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Ub3rT1m3, Jan 6, 2018.

  1. Ub3rT1m3

    Ub3rT1m3 Fapstronaut

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    I've only ever asked girls out over text messages, the thought of rejection face to face terrifies me. Even when I get rejected over text it can be quite gutting.

    How about you lot? Do you remember the first time you did it? Did it go well? Did you ever get one laugh in your face and feel humiliated? Or did you get knocked back by a few but then eventually one finally said yes and you've never looked back since?
     
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    When you fear rejection, you're dependent on a specific outcome that you fear won't happen. An outcome that you can't control and yet you leave it to other people to decide your worth. You do this because you're unsure about your self worth. So you end up wanting to escape from reality because you fear that your idea of how it's supposed to be won't match how it really is. Then when you finally muster up the courage or motivation to ask her out, you do it out of desperation, neediness, and trying not to get hurt. You're unsure of yourself, so why would anybody else be sure of being with you?

    So the question you need to answer is... how do you build up your self worth and not have it waver like a leaf in the wind by external outcomes?

    You do this by facing your fears. Taking risks. Doing the difficult things you know you should be doing in order to become the person you want to be. Learning to handle the messy, awkward, unideal, uncertain, and painful experiences of reality. Surviving and learning from negative experiences. Solving real problems. Doing things and behaving in a way that makes you proud (self validation) no matter what the outcome is.

    It can be a long road to get there, but the more you escape from it, the harder it will be later on.

    One person deciding your fate via rejection or acceptance is ridiculous. So many factors and random variables goes into an individual's decision. Dating and meeting the right person is a numbers game. You can't reach the amount of people you have to meet / get rejected by / date / work on a relationship together unless you are able to handle negative experiences. The way to the positive is through the negative. When you escape from the negative... you also limit the positive experiences of life.

    Men that are considered great with women are able to approach 100 women and get rejected by 50 of them. While men that are considered poor with women are approaching 3 women and getting rejected by 1. It's a numbers game. You have to be able to maximize your engagement (following your desires) while least attached to external outcomes (not taking rejections personally or attaching your self worth to the outcome).

    And don't forget that not only is the woman deciding if she approves of you or not, but you also have to see if you approve of her. It's not a one sided thing.
     
    Sentinel, JPNF, Rising Force and 5 others like this.
  3. EyesToSeeEarsToHear

    EyesToSeeEarsToHear Fapstronaut

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    I first started approaching women face to face pretty late at 27 years old (early last year).

    I definitely approached at least 80 women last year and out of those got about 30 phone numbers.

    Out of those 30 about 15 even replied back to my calls and texts more than once. I only asked for numbers after they agreed to go out with me btw. So most women said they would then didn't lol.

    Out of those I stayed in touch with I only actually went out with like, lol, I can literally recall 5 now. Not gfs btw just dates.

    Now I myself did end up rejecting a few of them, maybe like 10, due to my insecurities about possibly becoming a step dad upon learning those 10 or so had kids.

    I wish I didn't reject two in particular. I should've tried one date with each. They were very nice to me and physically absolutely gorgeous. I just didn't feel ready to be a step dad.

    As a man the less creepy and needy you are when approaching the nicer they will be about rejecting you. And the more interested they'll be when they agree to go on dates with you.

    So yeah. As men we can't control most of this stuff at all. It's important to remember that. We can't control her reaction no matter how well we approach, we can't control how long they stick around when they want us, we even can't control who gets us going and who doesn't in the first place.

    Our only power here lies in the value they believe we offer based on our presentation. Both our appearance and behaviors.
     
  4. Ub3rT1m3

    Ub3rT1m3 Fapstronaut

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    Dude, you approached 80 women, that is brilliant. Even if you said they all turned you down I'd still have mad respect for you because at least you tried.

    I can't even muster up the courage to go up to one!
     
    Rising Force likes this.
  5. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Expose yourself slowly then.

    Are you comfortable with eye contact? Giving compliments? Giving a smile? Talking to random people throughout the day? Are there certain environments that allow you to meet people easier?

    Start small and work your way up. These difficult things allow you to grow and build your self worth. So that one day you won't attach your self worth to specific outcomes anymore.
     
    Rising Force and Ub3rT1m3 like this.
  6. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    Fear causes hesitation and hesitation causes your worst fears to come true. I prefer to ask women out face to face. I have only ever asked out one girl and she let me down easy and was very considerate and professional. We reconnected sometime later and I asked her out over text and she said yes. It's scary and one of the most difficult things to do. However you got nothing to lose. It's up to you to facilitate that interaction and make things happen. It's one of the best feelings ever to experience mutual interest with someone.
     
    Ub3rT1m3 likes this.
  7. Ub3rT1m3

    Ub3rT1m3 Fapstronaut

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    I very rarely talk to random people. Most my interaction is with colleagues and customers at work. The eye-contact comes and goes and I rarely smile around people I don't know too well.

    I don't think I'd pay a random woman a compliment, but I could give it a go. Got to be careful in the current climate though :eek:
     
  8. Merovingian

    Merovingian Fapstronaut

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    I believe I have everyone beat on this hands down!

    So one day I seen a pretty girl standing in line at Starbucks. She had one of those keychains hanging out of her pocket with a girls name on it so naturally I figured it HAD to be her name. It was, so as I introduced myself and made small talk like we were long lost friends she's giving me this perplexed look the entire time screaming "How do I know this guy!"

    I eventually let her in on my little trick she laughs, etc. We talk a few more minutes and get our coffee, just as we finish up I hand her my cell phone that's opened to a "New Contact" creation window that says "You're Beautiful" with the input cursor at the Phone Number entry section. I make up some line about "If she could fix it". Either way the point is she's holding my phone, It's (me) am telling her she's beautiful and all she's gotta do is type in her number.

    She giggles and laughs, types in her phone number and I feel quite pleased with myself.

    I don't text back immediately, some stuff I've read saying you don't need to come off being too eager, etc. I give it a few hours.

    I eventually text her back saying, how great it was to meet her and everything and I'd really love to get to know her, to which she replies.

    "Never text this number again, I didn't know what to do, I've never been CONFRONTED like that in public I panicked..."

    To which I'm making the most WTF face I've ever made in my life.

    Point... Why in the HELL would she give me her actual phone number in the first place...

    Anyway, just get used to rejection. What's the worst thing that can possibly happen anyway, you might end up having a funny story to tell for the rest of your life like me.
     
  9. Ub3rT1m3

    Ub3rT1m3 Fapstronaut

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    That made me chuckle. I like how you've taken it in your stride though and can even look back on it and laugh. I know I dwell far too much on minor things and I think that's partly because of my SA. So if that same thing were to happen to me instead i'd be constantly worrying about word getting out and everybody laughing at me behind my back.
     
  10. Merovingian

    Merovingian Fapstronaut

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    Let it be then, there was also the very real chance it could have gone in my favor though too, in fact it has before many times. Failure is the precursor to success.
     
    EyesToSeeEarsToHear likes this.
  11. EyesToSeeEarsToHear

    EyesToSeeEarsToHear Fapstronaut

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    Man you win. Lol.

    I think that girl was clearly mentally unwell. Unfortunately you had to face that. That would mess with me.

    I've had one girl call me a "Fucking creep" and just walk away. I've had plenty look at me like I was a serial killer then walk away.

    Then one extra weird one who gave me her number and replied to everything for weeks but then said she didn't know I was trying to date her. Lol.

    Like God no. From the beginning I was asking her out. Like she agreed to go out then said she didn't think I wanted to date her.

    Our gender roles are getting more and more warped and confused as cultures "evolve". Soon asking girls out without touching or commenting on their bodies at all will be considered sexual harassment.

    God help plz
     
    Merovingian likes this.
  12. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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    Asking women out on a date used to scare me. Now I embrace it and feel that its very liberating no matter what her answer may be.
     
  13. devinheppy82

    devinheppy82 Fapstronaut

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    I’m 19 now, but when I first started dating at age 16, I only asked girls out face to face. It was nerve racking each time, and only about a third of the time they said yes. Once I got through high school, taking some classes where I constantly had to talk in front of people, my nervousness went away. Just try it a couple times, and the more you do it the better you’ll get. And remember this, when you ask a girl out on a single date, you are not asking them to marry you, all y’all are doing is going out to have fun and get to know each other better
     
    EyesToSeeEarsToHear likes this.
  14. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

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    How many times did you fall down before you learned how to walk?
     

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