"As long as you're here with me, I know we'll be okay"

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by AnonymousAnnaXOXO, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    STOP! Breathe!
    STOP! Breathe Again!

    You know this. Remember! "We accept the things we cannot change".

    It doesn't mean we "Put up with the things we cannot change".

    From my outside view? Cut her off from babysitting Baby A. Find somebody else. After a half dozen times of this foolishness, I'd been done too. When you're paying someone, it behooves them to get off their ass and do the job they are being paid to do. If they don't want to do it for that amount of money, no problem. Go the fuck on. We'll find someone else. I understand your protection of Baby A. I get it. Between you and Jak, it would be a good idea to cultivate some other more meaningful relationships with others you could trust.

    Have a great weekend in spite of it all. And I hope you don't have to forfeit your internship. That's tough and the only thing standing between you and your degree.
     
    AnonymousAnnaXOXO likes this.
  2. So I left my internship today. I broke down crying last night about it and this morning. Jak stayed home. It was really nice. He ordered the Married and Alone books. We read a relationship book today. My supervisor was understanding and it seemed like they wanted to see if I could stay in any capacity. Unfortunately at this time, no. They told me to tell them when my situation changes. They seemed disappointed and my coworkers were sad and said I was doing amazing there and was really skilled. I hope that by the time I graduate in a year that there will be a job opening and I'll apply. They also said that if I ever need a recommendation letter to ask.

    Today has been okay with Jak. Okay because it's painful where we are. Him staying home, ordering the married and alone books, and taking the time to read with me was all very positive. He also did laundry which was nice. He is about to go to his dads tonight... and probably talk about his sister and stuff. Then he is going to run to the grocery.

    My BMW needs a lot more work than expected. We need new brakes (aprox $300 which I have), and a new steering rack (aprox $500), oil pan gasket (we have one), valve cover gasket (aprox $50), shocks/struts (aprox $310). Luckily we don't need it all NOW. Brakes are a NOW thing. Then we need to change oil pan gasket, and then valve cover, then steering, then shocks. Then oh, hazards/lock buttons cuz that's broken too lol. But I love my 330xi...
     
  3. Jaks been in excruciating pain from his teeth for the past 3 days. Seeing him in that much pain sucked. But honestly.... as I watched him in pain, crying, shaking, there were moments I wanted to be like, "Yeah try feeling that every day for 2.5 years"

    I didn't though.

    I comforted him. Held him. Tried to do everything to just be there for him.

    Jak had to go to the dentist and then to a surgeon to pull the half decaying tooth that was the source of the problem and causing other cavities in the teeth near it. Jak video'ed me crying at the dentists. Jak crying in public,..... well there is something new. I mean he was crying last night from the pain and today. But in public. That was hard to see. I couldn't be there because I was taking care of Baby A, who had just been put down for a nap. Honestly... it's hard to be empathetic or sympathetic when he has chosen to neglect his teeth and wouldn't schedule a dentists appointment. I have reminded him about the dentist many times and he ignored it. I did my part. It was his responsibility to take care of himself at the end of the day.

    Actions have consequences, case and point.

    I might be coming off distant on here, but I haven't been that way towards Jak. I've been supportive... even though I wanted to scream at him at times or just let him know my feelings.

    I didn't though. It wouldn't have been productive or helpful and would have made things worse.

    I hope Jak and I can have a good evening now that his tooth is pulled. Though apparently, he can't talk cause of the gauze... so... idk.

    Is it mean to tell him my feelings? Like ina non-chalant way, "hey the past three days have been the past 2.5 years for me. I just don't cry everyday anymore about it, but am always feeling it on the inside"

    Idk...

    On the bright side I wrote my 5 page paper that was due today and turned it in.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  4. It's my birthday.

    I am 5 days late now.

    Praying for my period.

    If not, I know my choice.

    And Jak and I will probably be no more.
     
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I saw your other post. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Is there a reason you can't use birth control for yourself and had to rely on Jak? There are lots of options for females that are not hormones that cost the same as condoms. If you aren't pregnant, those could be options for you.
     
  6. Jak wouldnt let me get my tubes tied and insisted he get the vasectomy.... I told Jak that until one of us is sterile to not touch me sexually and that we are not having sex and that I might want him to move out or into another room for a while until I can figure some things out.
     
  7. Jak is home from dentist, and I took the test, it's negative! Thank the gods. Jak says he will call his doctor by tonight to schedule an appointment to discuss a vasectomy. I am not holding my breath.

    Best Birthday Present ever. Not Pregnant.

    Anyways, there are some hard boundaries now about sex and our relationship. He can't say he loves me. He can say "I want to love you" because honestly actions are love, not words. He can say he loves me all day long and not act like it, so he can say he "wants" to becuase that to me is more honest. No touching sexually and no sex until one of us is sterile. We are strictly being co-parents, friends, who date, cuddle and kiss until further notice. I can't go further than that right now, not until things seriously start changing. I might still want him to sleep in another room or on the couch some times if I am not feeling great about us.
     
  8. Venting for a moment (and not about Jak!)

    Coaching:
    One half of my couple I am working with was a no show. I am so sad. It's disheartening because today's session was about porn in relationships and he had a (in my opinion) temper tantrum about 2 minutes prior to the session and was in his room refusing to leave his room when my Cx tried to see if he wanted to join. I have a $50 fee for no show/cancellation within 24 hours. I sent him an invoice.

    I am sad because I had put a lot of thought into today's session, and honestly Jak had to help me calm down last night because I was so anxious about addressing the topic because well, as a spouse of a PA, with the history of gaslighting and everything I was worried that the male Cx might try that on the female Cx and on me. I was really anxious but really looking forward to today's session. I knew this was a subject that needed addressing before moving onto the other sections of the program. I guess next week's session will address the porn topic then. Anyways, I feel he might have a problem with using porn. I can't say if he is dependent or addicted, but just from interactions, HW, and today, it seems this topic might be more sensitive then he was letting on.

    I will email him with a book to read by Gottman. I think if he reads one chapter a week that will really help him understand his partner's perspective.

    Jak and Me:
    We have couples today. Honestly, since I set the no sexual touch/no sex boundary I feel so much more relaxed around Jak. I feel like I am safe. I don't have to worry if every time he reaches out it will be sexual. I plan to discuss this as we try to see how to move forward. I think the Married and Alone books will be arriving within the week so once they are here we will dive back into the IA and Ill do Married and Alone. I pray he tries. That's what I talked about the last session. I need to see the effort.

    I honestly don't know where Jak and I are right now. I feel we are in that co-parenting with attraction towards each other place. Definitely not in a married and team place. There's lots of work to do to get to feeling married and like a team.
     
  9. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Well, that was stupid. He should have gotten on the call. I'm sorry this turned out the way that it did. I did want to point out however, this book you want him to read? Don't count on it until such time he embraces "I have a problem". He has to take ownership of it.

    Hopefully, tomorrow will be much better. And so too will Jak!
     
    AnonymousAnnaXOXO likes this.
  10. Jak had a breakthrough in therapy last night. He had his IA relapse of giving up because he thinks someone else should have me.

    Yeah. I know. To me, ridiculous. To him, he doesn't understand WHY he gets to have this chance to be with me after all he has done. Last night before bed I was like, "I love you. I've loved you and been with you at your worst, so please, let me love you and be with you at your best" and he started tearing up and hugged me.

    I want Jak home already but know he is saying late tonight to catch up with the fact that he missed hours at work becuase of the tooth thing this week.

    I, for the first time in a while, have a free friday night! This is the first week I think I've had with no Cx's. It's nice. I get to relax (kind of...). I have to write a 10 page paper. It's due monday. Haven't started it. I've been avoiding it. I have to analyze a magazine and TV show for my class and use articles we've read. I guess I just am anxious about applying theories and looking through a magazine. Due to my anorexia I've sworn off magazines (except Psychology Today, and I get family mags but don't look through them too much). I know I will find triggering things but it's an assignment and I have to buck up.

    I have an insane amount of reading I've been avoiding as well... but would love if Jak kicks my ass tonight to get it done.

    I feel hopeful because Jak had this realization. It seems like we can work with it, and we can work on him being able to forgive himself. He apparently worries about the future, like 10-15 years down the line, and if I still get triggered will he always feel horrible and have this sense that I should be with someone else. I never knew that. I am frustrated because I clearly want this. It's like he just can't get past the shame or guilt enough to see that I WANT HIM. lol
     
  11. Jak and I werent good last night, nor this morning.

    This cycle of one second we are close adn then he is a million miles away is excruciating.
     
  12. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I've got you in my prayers. You, Jak, and Baby A.
     
  13. I just need to vent

    I am super annoyed about Jak and finances and cars and recovery work. I am stressed with school and clients.

    Jak is just... so cars. Cars, cars, cars, cars, endless cars. I hate it. Jak and my mom were talking about her leasing being up and possible leasing a BMW through Jak ---- WHICH MY PARENTS DO NOT WANT TO DO AND THAT IS FUCKING STUPID! My dad cleared it up when I went to the other room to talk to him about how stupid my mom and Jak are with money/instant gratification (which means long-term goals don't get achieved). My dad said that my grandads nissan lease was going to be shipped here for mom.

    School.... I am almost done with this 4 week super sped up class. turned in my 10 page paper late last night.... don't know how I did. I have a 5 page paper to start tomorrow due monday.

    Clients... current client couple a bit anxious about them (mainly because I haven't heard back from male cx nor recieved the noshow fee and trying to figure out best way to handle it if he hasn't paid by next session). Potential clients... two potential couples. One couple... I figure I'll turn away becuase it seems like he is currently in his addiciton and I don't work with couples where one partner is an active addict because that undermines all the relational work. The other couple, I am unsure about, but it could go either way.

    I think I am going stir crazy by being in the fucking house now 7 days a week, only leaving for couples therapy once a week. I am getting my hair done this weekend because I'll be starting facebook live videos for the business.... and well I need my hair done.

    Finances are a shit show right now. Trying to pay credit cards off. But Jak doesn't understand the concept of his credit card and spending. Just because he has his own card doesn't mean there is extra money, it just means he has a card in his name with the same budget we always have had.

    And Jak hasn't listened to me. I think it's sweet he thinks about me when grabbing shit at a store, but I've told him many times to stop bringing junk food/candy into the house. It's excrutiating to try to eat healthy while you watch your partner down candy, chips, and other food that is unhealthy/delicious. I can't just eat broccoli, chicken broth, chicken, and oatmeal without wanting what Jak is having. I am doing my best, but what do I do? Toss all the candy Jak got me? Eat it slowly until it's gone? Like I don't want to be rude about Jak's efforts even though I've told him no candy.....

    AHHH I just am so stressed. I feel like I don't know how to talk to Jak at the moment. Like, I've stated clearly what not to do, what to do, etc. But either he doesn't listen or hear me or he is forgetting or he is blatantly ignoring.

    Idk.

    We are supposed to start the IA/Married and Alone stuff today (we were supposed to start it yesterday but Jak forgot....). I wonder if Jak will remember. I did my shit today (talked with my sponsor).

    I just ..... I am anxious, wound up, and wondering if we will work...

    I talked to Quick Silver all last night about everything -business, school, Jak, Baby A. Quick Silver told me about his shit. I just derpy. Nice to talk to a friend, but felt so empty and alone still. I want to connect with Jakkkkk like.... it's not fair. I just want connection. Is that so bad? Is that so hard?

    Fucking IA.

    Jak's dad gave Jak 1k for 2 e46's and Jak will fix up one and part out the other. I guess that is also SUPER stressing me out. It's good in the way that we can use the part e46 for my car, but also stressful in the way of Jak isn't sure of all the problems with the other one.... which honestly already from what I've heard sounds like a lot.... and yeah yeah we can make 2k on it.... but.... the time it will take... I have no idea... is this going to be used to fuel the IA???? I have no idea.

    I feel left out and lost.

    Hence I will focus on my school and work and obviously still be trying with Jak but also I need to not be super hopeful.....
     
  14. Not to mention the rape anniversary on the 18th.... maybe that's getting me so worked up....
     
  15. Did IA/MA stuff.

    But when I knew that there was no way to really connect with Jak after I got out of a shower, I suggested watching our show, but he insisted on talking, and is falling asleep during talking. I am in EXCRUTIATING pain from that. I would have rather watched TV than experience this.
     
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  16. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I feel you....
    I have experienced this so many times with my partner too.
    It's so invalidating, and makes you feel so insignificant.
    I've even taken photos to show him snoring away, while we're meant to be talking.
    Try and let it go, and take the opportunity to do something nurturing and positive for yourself xxx
     
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  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  18. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry. Lots of love and hope and prayers your way!
     
  19. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    There is something to this.

    I am glad when my wife
    is clear and blunt,
    Telling me what she needs.

    Better if I can divine it,
    but I’m a guy...
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019 at 10:24 AM

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