"As long as you're here with me, I know we'll be okay"

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queen_Of_Hearts_13, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. So BD went to work this morning to fix the old 330xi brakes and do some other things needed on the car, and I had woken up from a horrible nightmare where he was with this old girl friend and his sister and her bf were there and the girl was flirting with him and clearly into him and he was also flirting back and I just had to watch it, as his sister was watching me for a reaction and I just left... and later in the dream when I saw him I confronted him about how I knew he had to have cheated and he lied and lied until I broke him down and he cried and admitted he cheated and the dream ended... I think I actually screamed out for BD twice in real life when the dream was going on.... but he had left for work....

    I told BD that and then he was like wow you are really anxious about my family aren't you and I admitted that yeah I am. I have to constantly be perfect and on good behavior and have no opinion or reaction and support anything you say do in front of them even if I disagree/ or it's painful damaging to us.... simply because they will take anything and use it to validate their negative opinion so I've basically stayed quiet at gatherings and tried to be on my best behavior..... it's exhausting....

    30 minutes later I told him that a german shepard was on our street with it's owners (since we love GS and want one one day) and then he didn't even reply to that but told me, "I've been thinking about this for the past 30 minutes, I need to talk to my parents, I've been imagining what to say" and I was shocked he was all, "the more I think about it the more pissed I get. I just hate how they treat you and it's not ok. I love you so much and I want you to have the big family you always wanted. It hurts to know what they think of you, which tells me what they think of me"

    Impressed is all I have to say. I do hope he does go through with talking with them, not sure if he will do it today or after finals given he has only a couple days to get an entire semesters work of work in....
     
  2. So things are overall good...

    My husband is talking about wanting to get a bachelors... which good... but also anxiety provoking and so he was tlaking to his dad about money and tuition etc. and I am really feeling BT over this given he hasn't yet addressed his dad's behavior/attitude towards me and so I am just feeling really hurt and angered by his dad at the moment and I am doing my best to be supportive of my husband wanting to further his education one day and stuff.... but his dad.... depending on how did dad reacts to my husband telling his dad that he has to respect me and can't treat me like that.... like if his dad owns it and apologizes and Works to really build back the trust with me then cool his dad can stick around in our lives.... but if his dad doesn't apologize or understand how bad his behavior was towards me.... like does my husband even .... or is he ready to make that choice of me or his dad.... because third strike and usually you're out, and it's been 3 strikes with his dad... and if his dad doesn't apoligize... I fear my husband will just continue to have a relationship with his dad and idk.... I won't be chosen or defended/protected. He will be sending his dad the message that his dad can treat me like that and he will still keep all of us as a family so to speak..... like... idk.... just so many anxiety BT things going through my head right now and I feel like I am going to break down crying and just have a BT episode..... I am trying to do breathing exercises and just realize that there is no danger at the moment.... it's just hard.....

    I hope my husband actually sticks to what he said he was going to do weeks ago.......
     
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  3. We ended up addressing it and it went okay... it was up and down last night....

    and then today... we are sitting in Baby A's playroom when my husband is like, "Guess what's on tomorrow? The F-1 Race" and I was just....sad. Idk. Maybe the whole Mother's Day thing is stupid. I mean my husband said he would take care of Baby A tomorrow....which.... is that supposed to be special? Weekends are his time anyway to primarily be with Baby A since Baby A doesn't get much time with him except week day evenings for bath time and bed time and then weekends to play.

    Idk. It's stupid. I asked him yesterday if he remembered about Mother's Day and he was like "yea" and I was like "is anything planned?" and he was like, "Ummm breakfast in bed? I didn't know what to do." and I was like.... "A letter would have been nice" he was like "Right I forgot you like to get letters"

    I just feel.... unimportant. Not only from him but from my parents as well. I feel like I am a robot/slave and not a person in this house given that it seems like everyone has this attitude of my only purpose in life is to take care of Baby A and Clean. If I have other things I need to do, like go to a doctors appointment or god forbid have a work meeting.... apparently it's a huge inconvenience if I need my mom to watch him for a bit. And I had warned my mom this was finals and the kitchen might not get done and the one night it didn't this week it was a shit show and my dad was like, "it doesn't matter what you had going on in your life, the kitchen should have gotten done."

    Yesterday in the meeting, Baby A got into the room I was having the meeting in and my mom was like, "Can you change him? He also seems sleepy, can you take him down?" and I was just mortified. I am trying to be professional, run a company, and that happens.... my mom eventually took him down, but still... I had asked her to watch him while I have my meeting and she agreed to do so. She could have said no and I know I would have figured Something Out...but it's a million times easier if someone else is watching him while I have my weekly meetings with the team. I know that the team doesn't mind and totally get's it, but for me it's a huge distraction and I can't fully focus on what's being said and keep up with all the important things we are discussing.

    And then I know my husband says he can't imagine what it's like to be a stay at home parent as when he is with Baby A and hangs out with him on the weekend, he just... can't do it effectively. I know he has finals, and he has homework, and so I am trying to help and I am with Baby A right now.... but Baby A wants his dad. I can only do so much. It's been 15 days of me taking care of Baby A mainly, and yes I now have someone who comes over on Thursdays so I can get a couple hours of 100% laser focus on my company... but.... it's not enough. It's what I will work with, as I adapt to my situations... but I constantly feel like I am behind and I hate it.

    My husband came in and sat down in the playroom with his computer to do homework, so at least he is in the room with Baby A now.

    But last night with his dad, and then his mom texted and I was like, "You know, I have no issues with your mom because she apologized to me, and I stood up to her, I called her on her shit and she owned her shit and apologized, and even the other week she apologized for assuming I was taking up your time, she owned it. Your dad still hasn't"

    I know he is waiting to get the check from his dad and then talk to him, which yes we need that check, especially with my husbands medical bill coming up this week.... but it just sucks.....

    I guess I wanted Mother's Day to be special.... to be appreciated for being the stay at home parent, the parent who actually takes care of the child all day and gave up their life/sacrificed/compromised so HE can go out and keep his career and stuff. I just.... I love my husband, and I am proud of him and how far he has come, I just wished he understood the sacrifice it takes, I wish he would appreciate what I do more.... and actually show it.

    And don't get me wrong, being with Baby A every day is awesome, his laugh makes the world seem like a good place, his smile melts my heart, but I also would love to pursue and be filled with my passion of helping people every day. I just... miss being "me"

    I feel like all I am is "mom" this name, this title, this expectation to fulfill and if I deviate it's not okay. I just want to be a person.... and treated like a person.

    My husband left the playroom and is in the dinning room which is connected because Baby A was rocking and it was I guess moving the table and he moved Baby A and Baby A freaked and I was like, "You can't take him away from his rocking, it's his coping mechanism" and yeah.... I know finals are stressful... but I just feel like I have the short end of the stick.... it doesn't matter that I have finals and clients later today it feels.... again... it feels like my "life" shouldn't exist and I solely am here to serve/clean.....
     
  4. Mothers day turned out to be super nice... he did a great job and even apologized that he defaults to me taking care of Baby A whenever he is here because he knows I will.

    Today totally exhausted. Have finals tomorrow. Bleh. I cant wait for tomorrow to be done with cuz then no more finals
     

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